Sherry Stringfield's ass in 93 by 40Deuce, a Blog on Senior Sizzle

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Sherry Stringfield's ass in 93

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Estonian pie	Posted:Apr 6, 2012 5:12 pm Last Updated:Jun 30, 2012 5:46 pm 92987 Views
Hey everybody a hot babe in Estonia winked at me ! How long before you think we're in flagrante delicto ? Just a couple days right ? I mean someone more than 4000 miles away wouldn't just casually flirt with me for no reason right ? I bet she's on a plane right now , I can't wait ! Today at work I was thinking about how cruel our society is and how I could cash in on it - and there's what I came up with . We round up some hot babes and dudes and then randomly select some losers off the street to have sex with them ; in our room with hidden camera of course . Then , just before they're about to "pop off" someone busts in and sprays them in the face with mace . I think that's the kind of thing people these days would really enjoy . You can't tell me that website wouldn't make money . I was playing Candyland with my niece the other day (by the way they don't have the Molasses Swamp anymore which is bullshit) and I came up with an idea for a really marketable board game . The board would be a layout of a zoo and each person playing would be a different kind of animal escaping from the zoo . There would be a bunch of bystander human tokens that would move around randomly and the animals would get points for slaughtering them . Each animal would have their strengths and weakness . For instance the lion would not be able to use any doors or technology cards but they'd kill double the amount of humans in any space once a turn . And the elephant would be really slow , but it could go to the aquarium and carry and shark in its trunk for double the killing power . BUT if the elephant has the shark and doesn't end its turn next to water space it loses one health . The chimp would have no natural attacks but it would be able to drive the gold carts and use all the equipment cards . Stuff like that . I'm still working out all the details . I'm not much of an artist so the board looks pretty crappy right now , but the gist is there . This morning a lady from the mail room was going around to everyone quite frantically and asking them if they were going to church on Easter and where their church was and so forth . It was weird . She seemed like a person who had stopped taking their meds . Anyway , she talked about religion at work so I'm sure she's 100% fired . I've worked at my job 4 years and I've met about 6000 people who deserve to be fired for being terrible at their job . Only 4 people have been fired in the time I've been there and they were all good at their jobs . One lady was fired for stealing paper A married couple was fired for getting it on in a conference room . I've talked about this before , but it boggles my mind . Most married people never have sex . And if they had reserved the conference room they never would have gotten caught . What were they thinking ? One lady was fired for failing her background check after working there for six years . I've never seen any of the American Pie movies because I don't like Jason Biggs or that blonde dude (Sean something something ?) and they seemed not funny at all . But honestly fucking a pie is a waste of good pie . I like pie . I want to eat pie . Don't waste it dude . And if you think sticking your dick in a pie feels anything like a vagina you are a god damn fruit loop . I'm not sure anything can replicate that feeling . I know mashed potatoes are another popular choice for food fucking . I say nay to that too . When I had my shop one time an old dude came in and out of the blue said that a piece of liver in the microwave for 10 seconds was the best vagina substitute . For a long time after that my friends and I would all say "Ding , she's done !" whenever we saw an attractive woman . Trust me , it was HILARIOUS . Happy Easter Senior Sizzle people
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Lock up your daughters ! Assuming they're of legal age and still under your authority to lock up	Posted:Apr 5, 2012 5:39 pm Last Updated:Feb 12, 2013 12:45 pm 93439 Views
Someone spit out their gum in the elevator at work . In the elevator . I can now no longer deny that the concept of civilization , or rules and morality , of any kind of human decency is a joke . Begin cannibalism now . Its been pointed out that my blog has sucked recently because I've been talking about my "stupid and depressing" personal life too much . Agreed . But since I'm in a down cycle right now anyone I will continue . In response to my blog about having an orgasm in 7 minutes or being blown up superbj55 explained to me what a politically correct orgasm was - which was nice of her , but also depressed me . This is her ; [blog superbj55] Isn't she adorable ? Also I would recommend her blog if I was the kind of person who gave recommendations but I'm not . The fact is I couldn't delay an orgasm if my life depended on it - which is a bummer and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about . That whole "think of something else" BS doesn't work . Have you ever had sex with a lady ? Yeah , try thinking about something else . I haven't looked around much but this seems to be how most advice columns about the problem seem to go ; Doucheballs77 "I have a problem , I can't last more than 7 hours during intercourse ." Dr. Goodnsexy "That's a problem only a small percentage of men (called pussies) experience in their life and the sad fact is that you will never satisfy a woman sexually and should castrate yourself with a dull knife right now to eliminate your filthy pussy genes from the gene pool ." The strange thing is if the lady is on top I'll never have an orgasm no matter what . But any other positions and you're lucky if you get the mad minute . Does this make me less of a man ? Of course , but that's not what bothers me - it makes me seem like I'm a selfish lover and I'm not . Well , not because of that anyway . But here's the part I understand , women are quick to mock those who cum quickly , but allegedly most of them don't have vaginal orgasm anyway . So why does it matter ? Don't you want it to get over quickly so you can get back to your Gilmore Girls re-runs ? Ah snap - Gilmore burn Anyway , that completes the personal whining - next blog will be totally about something else . In other news I was looking for a Tree of Gondor t-shirt and I found this picture ; [image] I'm not a big tattoo fan , but that is officially awesome .
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Metric boobs	Posted:Apr 4, 2012 4:14 pm Last Updated:Jan 28, 2015 4:54 am 93443 Views
In the wee hours of the night yesterday I was chatting with one of the many fine sensual Senior Sizzle babes I will never ever see in real life when she asked how long my cock was (never a good sign) and I replied "2 decimeters" (not true) . Which reminds me , before I get to my main point , why do you cock askers beat around the bush so much before asking ? Start with that , you can reject me right up front and we can all get some time back in our day . Anyway , the point is it got me to wondering , why isn't there a metric unit of measurement for breasts ? I mean A cup , B cup , C cup , D cup - what kind of system is that ? And what's the deal with double cup sizes ? What the crunk does that even mean ? And lets face it , there's a lot of variation in there right ? I mean there's C cups and then there's C cups . I think we would all be better off with a metric unit of boobage . And I suggest that we call this unit the arvitas and make the standard one handful (using my tiny girl hands) . Don't you think 3 Arvitas sounds better than a B cup ? I do . In other news it was one of my friends birthday last week and his grandma got him a wallet which he has no intention of using . So he was wondering what he should tell her when she asked about it . Now , I am in no one advocating lying to grandma (or anyone really , also I'm not a fan of the whole gift giving in in general) but if you're going to lie I think that lie would be this . Put a bandage on your head and tell grandma that someone mugged you , and they commented on how handsome the wallet was while they were taking it . Also the memory is so traumatic you do not want a replacement wallet to remind of you the event . Problem solved . In other other news I had kind of a weird feeling all day today . In my rush to get to work (also I was distracted trying to think of a good way to measure boobs metrically) I left the house without brushing my teeth for the first time in living memory . My mouth felt weird all day . It threw me off my game . Then when I got to work the big boss of my department was having a conniption fit because she lost her badge . I always knew she was kind of a drama queen but this was beyond the pale I say . I kind of wanted to slap her . Then of course my boss boss told me not to work anymore overtime , I assume so then he can rake me over the coals for not getting things done "timely" . And then my sister (who I lived with in the past) called to tell me an ex sent a package to her house addressed to me . I can only assume this is a bomb . Begin shouting WHY DO SO MANY OF EXS HAVE PROBLEMS LETTING IT/ME GO ? Logically I realize that in order to go out with me you have to be insanely desperate so that's why - but its hard to make myself really "get" that you know ? There's another girl who broke up with me , yes , SHE broke up with ME, six years ago and she still e-mails me every couple of months saying she just wants to hook up . Which I was dumb enough to fall for once a long time ago . Amusingly enough the only girl I only felt like I might have been in love with had no trouble ditching me - with extreme prejudice . Also she was pretty cool with lying and cheating on me too . Self esteem issues aside here are the facts ; I am not attractive I have no discernable personality I am lame in the sack I have no money I have no style I am not very nice I smell bad And I'm okay with all of that - I am as God made me . BUT IT SHOULD BE EASY TO GET OVER ME . Going out with me is the hard part . Also you know what else is the hard part ? MY DICK Also the stone in my urethra .
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All Flesh Must Be Eaten - the Final Chapter (mercifully)	Posted:Apr 3, 2012 4:53 pm Last Updated:Sep 16, 2021 1:39 pm 94210 Views
As they limp painfully back into the zombie-ravaged streets of Sueno Beach and away from the marina where DD has met her final reward , our three remaining heroes face a grim reality . They’re on their last legs – physically , mentally , and emotionally . They have to somehow make their way past hordes of ravenous undead fiends to reach the channel 14 television studios – and even then they’re pinning their hopes on 40Deuce for once living in the same reality as the rest of us and actually being able to fly a helicopter . 40Deuce is actually the best off of them . Aside from a bad limp resulting from having shot himself in the foot , missing an ear , and a few assorted zombie bites at various places on his body he’s physically in pretty good shape . Mentally ? Well he didn’t have anything there in the first place so nothing lost and nothing gained . Emotionally ? He seems to be doing okay there too – his mind wrapped in a protective cocoon of madness . The idea of the dead walking the streets isn’t so alien to a man with imaginary friends who thinks that the Senior Sizzle is run by the Potato King who has some personal vendetta against him . Smartass’s death doesn’t seem to have affected him too much – maybe in his insanity he doesn’t think he’s not going to see her again . Maybe in his mind she’s still right beside him ! But maybe , deep down inside , hidden away in that part of 40Deuce that’s still a rational , normal man – maybe down there he’s silently screaming his pain and anguish . In contrast , physically Sonic and Karl are fading fast – 40Deuce has to help support both of them . The body can endure a lot , and the body of a pervert even more , but it has its limits . Blood loss , exhaustion , shock , they all take their toll . Karl is the worse off of the two – and not just physically either . With Smartass’s horrible death and his perceived abandonment of her fresh in his mind he’s in a spiritual K hole of sorts . Add that to the mind-numbing horror he’s experienced and his rapidly worsening physical condition and he’s ready to just lay down and die . If 40Deuce wasn’t there carrying him forward he’d surely do just that . Sonic’s savaged arm and shoulder are dragging her down – she feels dizzy and light headed all the time – but she can still walk . Seeing DD disappear under the waves like that rent her heart in two , but its only served to strengthen her resolve to make it out of here alive . DD was nothing if not a survivor , and she’d be disgusted if Sonic even though about giving up for a split second . The memory of DD spurs Sonic onward , despite the pain , despite the horror , despite the empty feeling in her chest – she’s going to get out of here and that’s that . As they go down a street with burning cars lighting the way and assorted human body parts laying strew about and chewed on 40Deuce is singing loudly and enthusiastically . 40Deuce – A zombie’s life can be easy ! If they change all the lights ! But zombies . . (Sonic bites him on the arm) ouch ! Whadja do that for ?! Sonic – Because I didn’t want to waste any energy slapping you . Do we even know which way to go to get to this television station ? I suppose it doesn’t matter anyway since we just have to take the path of least zombie resistance . Karl (stumbling badly) – What are we going to do if we get corned anyway ? We don’t have any weapons anymore and I don’t think I could fight anyway . Sonic (shrugging) – I don’t know . . . . I guess we’ll probably get killed . 40Deuce (making a face) – That doesn’t sound like very much fun , couldn’t we do something else instead ? Sonic – Actually , now that I think about it we probably won’t get killed right away – more like we’ll be eaten alive . Eventually we’ll knock off from blood loss or something , but unless they eat the heart or brain first it could take a while . I’d wager that’s what all the screaming we’ve been hearing tonight has been about – aside from the general screaming that people would do just at seeing zombies or what have you . Karl (weakly pointing ahead of them) – Hey , there are some zombies now . 40Deuce (letting go of Sonic and Karl – who both drop to a sitting position) – Yes , those certainly do seem to be zombies . (squinting) And unless I’m mistaken they’re not wearing any pants . (checking back the other way) And they’ve got us surrounded . Sonic (laboriously getting to her feet and smacking 40Deuce on the back of the head) – Shut up . 40Deuce (rubbing his head and pointing) – No , I’m serious ! Look ! Sonic takes a closer look , which isn’t easy because her vision is getting pretty blurry – but it does indeed appear that most of these zombies aren’t wearing pants – although some of them are wearing blood-spattered silken robes . Sonic (wobbling on her feet) – He’s right , they’re all at least half nude . (shaking her head) (untranslatable Canadian gibberish) . Karl (looking around) – Well , I think there’s a around here somewhere . (Sonic looks at him blankly) You know , a “” , you know ? Sonic (frowning) – Massage ? 40Deuce (nodding with a grin) – You know , the kind of massage that you take your pants off for ? (laughing) We’re under attack by zombie hookers ! And their zombie johns ! It just doesn’t get any better than this ! Sonic (shaking her head and muttering something in Canadian) – So how do you know where this place is so well ? Karl (not able to stay sitting anymore and laying down on the ground) – Oh . . . . uh . . . . I think I saw it on my paper route as a . 40Deuce – You didn’t grow up here . Karl (glibly) – It was a big route . Anyway , the zombies are getting pretty close – are you two going to do something about that or what ? I’m fine with just laying here and accepting the inevitable , but I just want to know what you’re going to do . Sonic (determined) – Nothing’s inevitable here . (looking around) We can get away in one of these (untranslatable Canadian gibberish). (dragging Karl towards a car) 40Deuce (dragging a half-eaten dead body out of the driver’s seat) – Yes , yes , a capital idea – just look how well it worked for the previous owners ! (poking his head in) And the keys are still in it , what luck ! (turning and shaking his fist at the zombies) The is a Toyota Tercel you sons of whores ! You’re all in big trouble now ! Sonic (pulling Karl up to his feet – they both lean against the car) – I don’t know how to drive . Karl (shaking his head) – I haven’t got the strength . 40Deuce (sliding smoothly into the driver’s seat) – Don’t worry , 40Deuce will take care of everything – I’m a regular driving machine , which is what car is too – that’s why we get along so well , birds of a feather you know . Get in , get in , get in , we don’t have all night ! (as Sonic and Karl spill into the back seat) You know , I won the Ah’hinei’ai time trials in Hawaii back in ought nine driving a rutabaga powered sportster . The trophy and the prize money were nice , but it was nailing Miss Australia 1993 that was really the good part . You see , she had come back in time with a talking robot squirrel that was from the year 2245 . He had come back in time to 1993 and they became good friends even though his mission was to . . . Sonic (smacking him in the back of the head) – Just shut up and drive . 40Deuce (chuckling) – Oh , you sound just like her ! That brings back memories – her accent was atrocious , but she had a killer body . Anyway , let’s get this road on the show here . Zombies are climbing onto the car as 40Deuce carefully puts his seat belt on , adjusts the mirrors , moves his seat back and forth a bit , and then finally turns the key in the ignition and starts the car up . 40Deuce (looking down at his feet) – Now which pedal is the velocitator and which is the accelaratrix ? And what the heck is this third pedal down here ? Some kind of gyomomater or something ? (a zombie punches through the window and grabs him) Oh well , I’ll figure it out as we go . He mashes his foot down on one of the pedals and they take off like a shot – zombies flying off the car as the tires squeal and throw off smoke . The zombie that grabbed 40Deuce flies off with a handful of skin and chest hair . 40Deuce (turning around and looking out the back window) – Cripes ! That hurt – and I look like a girl now ! Karl – Are we going backwards ? Sonic (nodding) – It seems so . 40Deuce (as they run over a blocking line of zombies) – Of course we’re going backwards – this is how a trained professional does it . (scornfully) Driving straight ahead is for amateurs – you get so much more control and touch this way (as they run over a mailbox) Hey , where did that come from ? (he yanks up the parking break and they some skidding and screeching to a stop) Sonic – What are you doing , get us the hell out of here ! 40Deuce (looking around) – I’m trying to find the lights on this thing , I can’t see an ever-loving thing ! Karl (as zombies are closing in) – Who cares ?! Just go ! 40Deuce (preachy) – Oh , that’s a fine attitude for a motorist to have isn’t it ? It’s that kind of thinking that leads to dozens of automobile related deaths each year . Safety if the watchword of the day when you’re driving my friend , and that’s a fact jack . Who cares ? Just drive off into the night ? Well you’re sure as hell care when we slam into a brick wall won’t you ? You’ll care so much you’ll be dead ! (turning on the windshield wipers) Ah , there we go . (taking off again , crunching more zombies) Hmm , we seem to be getting a lot of grinding . Karl (wearily reaching up and releasing the parking break) – Is this how you fly a helicopter too ? 40Deuce (laughing) – Of course not you silly girl , a helicopter goes in the air – not on the ground ! Duh . (chuckling) So anyway folks , where to ? I’ve got the meter running so you better make up your minds . You from outta town ? Newlyweds ? (laughing) Just a little taxicab humor there . I drove a cab in New York back in the fifties you know – in fact I was cabbie of the year in 1954 . Which , coincidentally , was the year I nailed Greta Garbo in the trunk of my yellow and black . Hey , remember that show taxi cab confessions ? 40Deuce keeps up a constant chatter as he drives aimless around Sueno Beach running over zombies with gusto . In other circumstances surely Karl or Sonic would be annoyed , but they’re not even really hearing him – they’re too hurt , too tired , too mentally drained to pay any attention to his patter . It’s just like the buzzing of a fly to them – only noticeable at the very edge of their consciousness . But something snaps them out of their reverie toot sweet – namely a zombie smashing through the windshield and into 40Deuce’s lap at high speed . The car starts swerving wildly and 40Deuce is screaming his head off as the zombie bites into his stomach . Sonic and Karl and doing their best to help – which isn’t much , as the car fishtails and starts to spin wildly . Between the three of them they manage to hurl the zombie out the broken side window . It slams into a lightpost and folds over backwards – his heels slamming into the back of his head with a loud cracking noise . Seconds later the back of the car crashes into a building and they end up in the lobby of some bank . After a moment Karl and Sonic flop out of the car onto the ground moaning . A little while later 40Deuce steps out of the front of the car and looks down at them . 40Deuce (pointedly) – SEE ? That’s why you should have been wearing your seatbelts – driving is about three things people , safety , safety , safety , and safety . (looking around) A bank hmm ? I wonder if the vault’s open . You two stay here , I’ll check it out – I hear zombies are notoriously easy to bribe – just like prohibition agents . (walking off) You know you don’t see them much anymore , I wonder if their funding has been cut or something . Karl and Sonic recover enough to save 40Deuce from a zombie back teller – bashing his head in with one of them things that holds up the velvet rope , and what’s better , they take the revolver off a dead bank security guy – and for some morbid reason 40Deuce puts his uniform on too , but keeps his big puffy clown pants . 40Deuce (adjusting his new hat) – Why do you get the gun ? I’m the one wearing the uniform ? (pointing to the bloody whole in the middle of his new shirt) See ? Sonic (as she and Karl lean on each other) – You don’t get the gun because someone needs to shoot you if you can’t really fly a helicopter and I don’t trust you to do that . 40Deuce (insulted) – I’m very trustworthy ! If you wanted me to shoot myself because of something like that I would ! His word is the only thing a man’s got ! A woman has her word too , but she’s also got fun naughty bits so it’s not quite the same thing . My word is my sacred banner of trust – I’m nothing if my word isn’t good . I wouldn’t even think about it for a second , I’d blow my brains out without even stopping to . . . . wait , what were we talking about ? Karl – There’s no way we’re going to get there now anyway , the car’s trashed . 40Deuce (twirling his nightstick) – It shouldn’t be too hard (jerking his thumb over his shoulder) the TV station’s just across the street . Luck ? Or is there a method to 40Deuce’ madness ? The world will probably never know – Karl and Sonic don’t really care either – against all odds it looks like they just might get out of this alive . If 40Deuce can really fly a helicopter that is – and let’s face it , that’s a big if . They wait until the street is free of zombies and then make a mad dash across to the TV station – home of WSBF channel 14 , the local NBC affiliate . In the lobby there’s a couple of zombies , but Sonic seems to have picked up target shooting pretty quickly because she takes them all out with shots to the head . Sonic (tossing the empty revolver aside) – Well that’s the end of that . Karl (pointing to a TV on the wall , amazed) – Look , they’re still broadcasting . The TV shows a commercial for some kind of fat-free muffin mix and then it switches to some news program with the bold words “Zombiestorm 2012” on the screen , followed by a cartoon graphic of a zombie chasing someone . The three of them watch in total disbelief as an anchorwoman in a red suit reports from behind a blood-spattered desk . Behind her a guy with a headset is struggling with a zombie , fighting for his life . Anchorwoman – Welcome to our continuing coverage of the on-going zombie crisis here in Sueno Beach (smiling brightly) a channel 14 news exclusive . (behind her the struggling man goes down and blood sprays up in the air) There seems to be no end to the zombie hordes that began attacking our fair city several hours ago . Estimates put the arrival of the first zombies at sometime between the hours of eleven and midnight . There is no way to know for sure how many zombies there are , but one reliable source has told us , and I quote “there sure seems to be a whole lot of them .” (behind her three guys with makeshift weapons run on and start clubbing the zombie) We go now live to reporter Marcus Robinson at the governor’s mansion . Cut to a black man with a microphone clinging tightly yet impassively to a chandelier . Underneath him zombies stand on an extravagant diner table heedlessly stepping on an impressive diner spread as they reach for him and groan hungrily . Marcus (holding his earpiece) – Thank you Susan . Here at the governor’s mansion things are not going well . The governor was hosting a charity diner , attended by some of Sueno Beach’s most outstanding citizens when uninvited guests arrived around eleven thirty – zombies . And unlike their other guest they weren’t hungry for crab cakes or shrimp cocktails – they had another menu item on their minds , human flesh . Susan – How is the mayor holding up ? Marcus (peering down below him) – Well , right now he seems to be doing as well as you could expect . A zombie is chewing on his thigh right now and most of his leg is gone , but despite that he told me he still thinks he has a good chance of getting away . Susan – What’s the general mood down there Marcus ? Marcus – Well , I’d have to say it’s pretty somber her Susan – not the night of merriment and networking that we all thought it would be . People were especially disheartened when just moments ago the mayor’s much-loved wife was eaten before their very eyes . She had climbed the drapes to escape the zombies but then the zombies pulled the drapes down . Truly a tragic end to such a respected member of the community . Susan – Yes , she was a great lady and will be sorely missed – especially in a time of crisis like this . Marcus , can you tell me . . . Marcus – I’m sorry to interrupt you Susan , but the zombies seem to be forming a human pyramid of sorts to try and reach me . I’ll have to get back to you . That shot fades away . Susan – Marcus Robinson , live at the governor’s mansion . And now we’d like to take you to Professor Ramonovich from nearby Coral Gables University , a foremost scholar of the occult and . . . . oh , I’m sorry , I’ve just been informed that Professor Ramonovich is dead . Instead let’s take a look at a map of the city and where zombies have been reported as being sighted . (a map of the city comes up with zombies all over it) As you can see the reported incidents of zombie activity are quite widespread and . . . 40Deuce – Man , that’s one good-looking anchor woman . Sonic (gaping at the TV) – Am I seeing this ? Karl (shaking his head) – Let’s just go . They get on the elevator and push the button for the roof , but between the fifth and sixth floor it grinds to a halt . 40Deuce manages to pry the doors open and Karl and Sonic use him as a stepping stool to crawl out onto the sixth floor . He climbs up after them and they look for the stairs , but they have to duck into a room to avoid a few zombies shuffling down the hallway . That room just happens to be the studio where Susan is broadcasting from – all around her hapless interns are struggling with zombies . Susan – The word we’ve been getting from the national wires is (as 40Deuce , Sonic , and Karl rush onto the set) hey ! We’re doing a newscast here ! Sonic – How do we get to the roof ?! Susan (leaning way over) – You’re blocking my shot , get out of the way ! We’re the only local station covering this crisis and I’m not going to let you ruin our exclusive coverage . (shooing them away) Go on , get ! Sonic (slamming her hands down on the newsdesk) – You’re the only station covering it because everyone at all the other stations is dead ! And your exclusive doesn’t mean much because no one is watching it – THEY’RE ALL DEAD ! She starts shouting in Canadian and walks off waving her arms , Karl stepping up to take her place . Karl – Just tell us how to get to the newscopter and we can all get out of here together – we’ll take you with us , just tell us how to get there . We can all get away ! 40Deuce – Yeah , if there’s not enough room you can sit on my lap . (laughing crudely) Even if there is a enough room you can sit on my lap . You can sit on my lap right now if you want ! Susan – Look , this is the news story of a lifetime , I’m not about to . . . A with a nose ring holding a clipboard wanders onto the set behind her , drinking a cup of coffee – totally nonplussed . – Hey Susan , we just lost the broadcast . Susan (turning to him) – What ?! What’s wrong , why . . . (taking a sip of coffee) – Well , the camera guy is dead , the people in the control room are dead , pretty much everyone is dead now except for me and you . (pointing) And that guy over there . (screaming coming from the direction he pointed) Okay , now it’s just me and you . Karl – So now how about that helicopter ? As the last of the interns is overwhelmed by the wave after wave of zombies , Karl , 40Deuce , Sonic , Eric Callahan (channel 14 technician) , and Susan Krotz (who coincidentally enough was Miss Australia 1993) hustle it up to the roof and the channel 14 newscopter . When they run out onto the windy rooftop , they’re confronted by a mangled wreck of metal and zombies that used to be a helicopter . 40Deuce (biting his lip) – Hmm , that’s not what the army helicopters looked like – it may take me a while to familiarize myself with this one . Who knew civilian machines could be so different ? Sonic (smacking him on the back of the head) – Its wrecked you idiot ! Eric (drinking the last of his coffee and tossing the cup away) – Looks like someone already tried to get away this way and zombie’s got caught up in the propeller . 40Deuce (laughing uproariously) – Propeller ?! Planes have propellers , not helicopters ! Susan – What about that big thing on top ? 40Deuce (stopping laughing) – Oh yeah , I forgot about that . (Sonic grabs him) Hey , I know there’s always been some sexual tension between us lady , but this isn’t really the time or place . Oh , what the hell , I guess we can do it now . (looking at Susan) You want to get in on this ? Karl – What are you doing ? Sonic (dragging 40Deuce towards the edge) – Oh nothing , I’m just going to throw this (untranslatable Canadian gibberish) over the side . Unfortunately perhaps she doesn’t have the strength anymore and 40Deuce wriggles away from her without too much trouble . 40Deuce (laughing) – You’re a feisty one aren’t you ?! Susan – So what are we going to do now ? Eric – Isn’t there a heliport over by the runways at the airport ? Susan (nodding) – He’s right , there is – they have a place out there that takes tourists out over the Gulf – a whale watch or dolphins or something . Karl – Yeah , but how are we going to get there ? 40Deuce (singing again) – These boots were made for walking – and that’s just what they’re do . (Sonic groans) Don’t worry honey-bunny , I’ll protect you . (whirling his nightstick around and smacking himself in the face) Ow , who hit me ? So they set off for the airport , which of course is on the opposite side of town entirely . They’ve barely gotten out of the building when they suffer their first casualty . Karl is straggling behind when a manhole cover lifts up and three zombies pop out – grabbing him and pulling him down . 40Deuce and Sonic try to grab him and help him , but they’re overpowered and the zombies drag him down into the depths . 40Deuce tries to go after him , but Sonic and Eric hold him back . Sonic – Are you (untranslatable Canadian gibberish) 40Deuce ?! You can’t go down there ! That’s suicide ! Eric (patting him on the back) – She’s right dude . In a way Karl’s death saves them all , because without him to slow them down they’re fast enough to avoid any zombie encounters – until they reach the heliport anyway . They’re crouched behind a some bushes looking at the shiny helicopter with “Ocean Adventures” written on the side sitting on the port – surrounded by maybe twenty zombies , all just standing there . Susan (shaking her head) – It’s like they’re waiting for us . Eric – Is that even possible ? I didn’t think they were intelligent at all – and even if they were how . . . Sonic – Who cares ?! How are we going to get past them ? Eric (standing up) – I’ll lead them away . Sonic (grabbing for him) – No wait ! But he’s gone , he runs right up to the zombies , knocking one of them down and then turning and taking off into the night . They all go after him , groaning loudly and moving pretty fast – for zombies . Sonic – (untranslatable Canadian gibberish), we have to go after him . Susan – Why ? He made is choice didn’t he ? He wanted us to get away – who are we to take that away from him ? (putting her arm around 40Deuce) Come on , let’s get out of here (batting her eyelashes at him) can we please ? 40Deuce (running towards the copter) – Hell fuck yeah ! Sonic watches the zombies chasing Eric for a while and then follows after them , giving Susan a look that could kill lesser form of life . 40Deuce is in the helicopter pushing all kinds of buttons with Susan sitting beside him . Sonic has her hand on the door , but she’s not inside yet . Sonic – At least wait to see if he can double back or something . (as Eric is tackled and disappears under a pile of hungry zombies) Nevermind . With a sigh she gets on the copter as 40Deuce starts up it up , but before they get off the ground more zombies hurry towards them – as fast as zombies can hurry . They’re just lifting off when the zombies arrive – some of them grabbing onto the runners as it comes of the ground . The helicopter struggles and lurches forward erratically . 40Deuce (shouting over the noise) – We’re too heavy , you have to get them off ! Sonic kicks open the door , but despite her best efforts she can’t kick them off – they are zombies after all , they don’t care if you step on their hands . She sends one of them crashing to the ground by firing a signal flare in his mouth , but there’s still six or seven clinging on and trying to climb up . Sonic knows what she has to do – she grabs Susan by the hair and drags her kicking and screaming over the seat into the back with her . She shoves her out the side and dangles her in the air – the zombies all grabbing onto her . Sonic lets Susan fall and the zombies all go with her – eager for something to munch on . 40Deuce (as the helicopter gains altitude) – I suppose it’s for the best , things probably wouldn’t have worked out between us anyway – I need a really , really , REALLY good looking woman to hold me interest . Sonic (smacking him in the back of the head) – Just fly this thing . That he does – he promptly flies it right into a big tree . As he and Sonic lie in the wreckage , broken and bloody – near death – with zombies closing in to eat them 40Deuce makes an admission . 40Deuce (a twisted piece of metal through this chest) – Hmm , you know what , now that I think about it I think I drove a submarine in the army . Sonic (her body twisted in such a way that her spine is obviously broken) – I hate you 40Deuce . 40Deuce (as the zombies climb into the wreckage) – Yeah , I get that a lot .
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Orgasm or explode - the choice is yours !	Posted:Apr 3, 2012 4:28 pm Last Updated:Apr 6, 2012 4:25 pm 93259 Views
I usually wake up 20 minutes before I need to get up to go to work and just lay in bed pondering the imponderables of life - best time of day most days . This morning I was thinking about the childhood game "Seven Minutes in Heaven" which doesn't really qualify as a game in any sense I understand . I'm sure its not a thing anymore since these days start fingerblasting each other at 12 but maybe some of the other old folks around here know what I'm talking about . Now obviously this train of thought led me to wonder how many women could have an orgasm in under seven minutes . According to my (admitted limited) research it takes 18-23 hours to "get" a woman "there" and usually a team of 4-6 people and various devices , foods , and musics . Also I've never understood why people say they "made" a woman come - at best I would say you encouraged her and/or only somewhat made the process more difficult . A lot of guys you probably could make come but that's a whole other kettle of fish . So the question is if a bomb was strapped to you and you have seven minutes to disarm it via orgasm could you do it ? This is a question for the ladies of course since your average dude could beat a 7 second clock if they had to (like riding a bull) . Obviously part of the problem would be getting aroused with your life in danger , but lets stipulate for whatever reason you're capable of being completely relaxed . You can have whatever or whomever you want - do you think you'd live ? Also I'm pretty sure I've stumbled across the best porn movie idea ever . While we're on the subject why is softcore porn still a thing ? There's hardcore porn everywhere all the time - are there people who prefer softcore ? Or is it more like a gateway drug deal ? When I was a youngster my BFF and I used to always spend the night at our friend's house because he had Cinemax . I remember distinctly one time getting all hot and bothered about what I thought was a woman's leg but turned out to be Kevin Bacon's arm - they switch back to regular movies around 4 AM . It was still a couple years before I started wearing my glasses . Stupid Kevin Bacon and his sexy arms ruining my hetero street cred . In other news I try to avoid talking to people as much as possible because it never goes well , but one of my co-workers was ranting about how stupid people who believe in astrology are . I said I don't believe in astrology but logically its no different from believing in god . He didn't like that . Not . One. Bit . Also while I was walking around the building with my work wife she pointed and said something about a "flock of ravens" . I reminded her that a flock of ravens is called a unkindness and that they were crows anyway . To which she said "What's the difference ?" What is the difference ? I know ravens are smarter than crows and there's not many of them left , but what could I say ? Before they started DNA testing animals how did they even know they weren't the same species ? Also I'm starting to realize my work wife is kind of a jerk . How do I get a work divorce ? Speaking of work , as I'm SURE you all know my boss and I have been not on the best terms for a while now and I figured out the root cause of why - he doesn't;t like lobster . That is madness . How can you not like lobster ? Even the people I know who are allergic to shellfish like lobster , they just don't like swelling up and almost dying all the time . Sissies .
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All Flesh Must Be Eaten - Part 3 , Beach Blanket Zombie Bingo	Posted:Apr 2, 2012 11:01 am Last Updated:Sep 16, 2021 1:38 pm 94113 Views
Zombies on roller skates might sound amusing in theory , but YOU’RE not the one across the street from the putrid animated bodies of De Leon High School Explorers inline hockey team – staring with their vacant white eyes and seeing their eternal and ungodly hunger for the still-quivering flesh of the living . Karl , 40Deuce , Fever , DD , Sonic , Smartass , and some doctor are – and they don’t think it’s funny at all . Okay , okay , they think it’s a little funny , but chalk that up to stress and exhaustion and the giddiness brought on by several hours worth of soul-wrenching terror . Smartass and the doctor have shrunk to the back of the group fearfully as the rest clutch their weapons and wait for the inevitable onslaught – DD at the fore with her fire axe in one hand and the cooler containing her severed foot in the other . The Explorers , little bits of flesh hanging out of their torn and bloody uniforms , are skating around in a classic double figure-eight patterned knocking around a severed head with their hockey sticks . DD (to herself) – What are they waiting for ? Why don’t they attack ? Fever – Maybe they’re waiting for reinforcements or something , in which case we should attack them before they get here – otherwise . . . Karl (after a second) – Wait a minute , who cares why they’re not attacking – why aren’t WE running away ?! Everyone looks around at each other for a second and then they take off running – except for 40Deuce , who’s found himself a skateboard and has no need for crass running . From somewhere unknown a loud horn sounds and the Explorers break formation and start skating after their prey . Doctor (looking back fearfully) – They’re gaining on us ! Smartass (taking a quick look back) – How is that possible ?! They’re zombies for the love of god ! How can they be gaining on us ? Fever (grimly) – Because of those danged wheely shoes they got on their feet . It gives them a mechanical advantage , increasing the thrust and therefore inversely affecting the drag that works to counter-act their momentum . (tearing at jer hair) Its elementary physics ! Damn you Nelson P. Featherweleter ! Sonic (frowning) – Who’s that ? Fever – The inventor of the wheel ! His genius has doomed us to die in the street like monkeys at the hands of infernal wheeled demons wielding bendy sticks of condemnation ! Just then the lead zombie – who’s helmet is cracked and has some brains spilling out – takes a big slapshot , sending the severed head flying and hitting Karl in the back of the legs , knocking him down and sending him tumbling into Smartass and Fever , knocking them down as well . 40Deuce (swerving around on his skateboard up ahead of the rest of them) – Great google-moogle a hat trick ! DD (waving her axe) – Quick , form a circle so they can’t get at anyone from behind ! They start to spring into action , but Karl gets to his feet , dusts himself off , and waves for them to be still . He straightens out his bloody shirt reminding us to “Be Kind , Rewind” and reaches into his pockets with a steely look on his face . Karl (as the skating hellions bear down on them) – No need , I’ll take care of this – leave them to me . Karl flicks his hands out in front of him and sends a barrage of brightly colored marbles flying out of his pockets onto the street in front of the zombie hockey players intent on dismembering and devouring them . Ever try to skate over marbles ? Take it from me , it doesn’t work , as these zombies quickly find out . They fall like dominos – actually more like zombie hockey players tripping on marbles – and hit the ground hard . Karl laughs and pumps his fist in victory . Karl – YES ! (raising his arms) Score , Karl ten , zombies zero ! (turning to DD) See ? See ? I told you the toy store would be a good idea , but noooo – you can’t listen to anyone else can you ? You’re the big badass leader and you don’t listen to anyone . Well who was right DD ? (pounding his chest) That’s right baby , I WAS ! Me , Karl – Karl was right and . . . YEAAAAAAAAH ! One of the zombies had crawled close enough to grab Karl from behind by the ankles as he was gloating to DD . DD quickly leaps into action , knocking Karl out of the way with her cooler and then hacking off the zombie’s hands at the wrist . Karl scrambles back and quickly pries the hands off his legs , throwing them away . DD looks down at him coolly as the rest of the zombies are still flailing about in the field of marbles . DD (raising an eyebrow) – Can we go now , or did you have more to say ? (turning to go) 40Deuce get off that stupid skateboard – and I told you to leave that chainsaw behind ! 40Deuce giggles and skateboards away before DD can get in slapping range , going around the corner . Fever (looking at DD) – What do we do now ? DD (gesturing) – We might as well follow him , he’ll run into any zombies before we do . Leaving the zombie hockey players behind slipping and sliding on the marbles in vain , they troop off once again into the dark , cold , zombie-infested night . After a while they’re startled by 40Deuce skateboarding around a corner right into them – he just barely manages to duck DD’s axe as she swings it reflexively . 40Deuce skids to a stop and flips the skateboard up into his hand . The side of his head is all bloody on the left . 40Deuce (checking his hair) – Gees lady , watch what you’re doing , you almost lopped my head off by accident – and I use that all the time , I can’t afford to lose it . DD (archly) – What do you mean by accident ? Fever (putting her arm around 40Deuce) – Just a suggestion , it may not be the best idea to sneak up on a group of heavily armed people in fear for their life and on edge and what all . Fun , but not a good idea . Doctor (looking around with wild eyes) – So what’s the news ? Karl (snorting) – We’re relying on 40Deuce as our scout ? Someone shoot me now . 40Deuce (waging his finger) – Its funny you should say that , because around this corner here happens to be a sporting goods store – which as we all know aside from delightful balls of all sorts and sizes , jock straps to fit any man , and nutcups and such is also going to have guns . That’s the good news . Smartass (fearfully) – What’s the bad news ? 40Deuce (reaching into his pants) – Well for one thing these novelty clown underpants are riding up on me something fierce – but probably more important is the fact that there’s a whole mess of zombie boy scouts around the corner waiting for us . I tried to make a deal with the scout master , but he bit my ear off and at that point negotiations kind of broke down . (touching his bloody earless hole) It’s kind of cool though now because I’m like Picasso (frowning) or was it Raphael ? Fever (frowning as well) – The ninja turtle ? I didn’t even know turtles had ears . 40Deuce (nodding) – They don’t – when they cut them off . DD (giving both of them a smack) – Shut up about the ninja turtles . Sonic – Okay , so 40Deuce has told us that there’s a sporting goods store and zombie boy scouts around the corner – how does that translated into non-crazy talk ? A restaurant and a few mice ? Karl (peeking around the corner) – Nope , I see them – the store and the boy scouts . (coming back to the group) He ain’t lying . 40Deuce (nodding gravely) – Told you so . Zombie boy scouts are dangerous Eli , because they have scouts honor – which among other things give them the ability to control the bowels of the living . It’s hard to fight when you have soiled yourself – and I ought to know , believe you me . Fever – Why do you keep calling me Eli ? 40Deuce (pointedly) – Why do you keep calling me Francis ? Fever starts to protest that she’s never once called anyone Francis – not even her friend Francis – but DD slaps them both and tells them to shut up . Doctor – Why do we want to fight them anyway ? Smartass – Yeah , now that we know they’re there we can just go around them – go another way . Why do we want to fight them ? DD (peeking around the corner herself for a second) – We don’t want to fight them , but we need to get in that store and get those guns – fighting zombies hand to hand may be fun , but sooner or later it’s going to get someone killed . (hoisting the cooler containing her severed foot) Look what trouble its gotten us into already . If we have some guns we can blast our way through to the airport and get out of this zombie-infested stinkhole . Sonic (nodding) – So what’s the plan ? DD – There’s about twenty or so of them altogether , sitting in the middle of the street . . . 40Deuce – I think they were sewing on their patches for flesh eating – or merit badges or whatever they are . DD (swatting 40Deuce) – Don’t you ever shut up ?! Anyway , here’s what we’re going to do . . . 40Deuce (dropping his skateboard and stepping on) – Don’t worry about it DD , I’ll handle this . (adjusting his clown wig) Won’t take me longer than two shakes of a grasshoppers leg . (he starts up his chainsaw) DD – No god damn it ! Listen to me , we have to follow my plan otherwise . . . 40Deuce (revving the chainsaw) – Sorry babycakes , I can’t hear you . He skates off around the corner waving his chainsaw over his head and shouting his war-cries . The rest of them hurry around after him and watch in complete disbelief as he zooms to his death – or so they think . 40Deuce – Its chainsaw time you zombie mofos ! 40Deuce is going to chainsaw you up Texas style ! Volunteers ! We need volunteers ! Soldiers to lead them ! Have no fear , have no fear , you will killed right away ! YES ! Let’s get those missiles ready to destroy the universe ! The first zombie scout comes at him , eager to feed , and 40Deuce swings his chainsaw viciously – sending a disgusting shower of gristle and bone and unrecognizable squishiness flying everywhere . He does a quick turn on the skateboard and strikes a triumphant pose . 40Deuce – And the crowd goes wild ! Four-dee ! Four-dee ! Four-dee ! (laughing) It’s just like Army of Darkness (lifting the chainsaw above his head) hail to the king baby ! Of course at that point the rest of the zombie scouts hit him from behind and he’s buried under a landslide of flapping zombie arms and legs as well as viciously snapping zombie teeth . As he goes down the chainsaw flies out of his hands and tumbles end-over-end through the air . 40Deuce (as he goes down) – Heads up ! Everyone scatters as the whirling chainsaw starts to come down – everyone except the doctor , clutching his medical bag . He looks up in horror as the chainsaw comes down directly at him – the nasty end first . Everyone else turns away at the last second and they don’t dare to look until the horrible grinding sound has stopped and blood as quit splattering on their backs . The poor doctor is no more . They stand staring at what’s left of him until 40Deuce’ urgent screams bring them back around . DD sprints for the sporting goods store – as well as a one-footed woman can anyway – as everyone else runs to try and save 40Deuce . They start pulling zombies off and throwing them back , but soon they’re all in trouble – back to back surrounded by the zombie scouts with only their axe and sledgehammer and rakes keeping them at bay . Karl – Where the hell is DD ?! Some leader , she ran off and left us all to die ! Smartass (tears running down her face) – Karl , since we’re going to die I want you to know that I love you . Well , not love really I guess , but I could see us going out . Well maybe not going out , but if I got drunk and ended up in bed with someone I’d want it to be you . (sniffing) You have such a great ass . . . . or you did before a zombie took a chunk out of it anyway . Karl (sniffling) – That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me . 40Deuce (enviously) – I like those scarves , I wish I was a boy scout . Fever – You know what I just realize ? The doctor got hit by a chainsaw – that’s irony if I’ve ever seen it . Because doctor’s fix people , and he was the one who got broken – but he can’t fix himself . How ironic . 40Deuce – That’s not irony stupid , it’s a conundrum . Fever – No , no , I think it’s onomatopoeia . 40Deuce (curiously) – Are you sure ? Because I’m starting to think that its conniption . Sonic covers her face with her hand for a second , shaking her head and saying something in Canadian . Karl – What did she say ? Smartass – She can’t believe she’s going to die with morons like us . That’s what it looks like is going to happen as the zombies surge forward for the kill , but across the street DD comes out of the sporting goods store . She’s got a gym bag around her neck filled with something . She’s left her axe behind , but she’s replaced it with a pump-action shotgun . She has a double-barreled shotgun in her other hand with the cooler and she has a whole bunch of shells stuffed in the front of her dress . She advances with the pump-action , blowing zombies away until she runs out of ammo – then discarding it and taking up the double-barreled number . Luckily enough at that point there’s just two zombies left – one for each barrel . Setting the cooler down she puts her charred stump on it and pops open the shotgun , expelling the spent cartridges . God made some people big and some people small – guns made them all the same size . 40Deuce (looking at her closely) – Wow , when women are under a lot of pressure the adrenaline must go right to their boobs , because you . . . DD (smacking him as she reaches into her dress and re-loads) – Shut up ! Who here knows who to use a gun ? 40Deuce (raising his hand) – I do , I was in the army . DD (knocking his hand down) – Does anyone here REALLY know how to use a gun ? (everyone shakes their heads) Okay then (tossing the gym bag to Sonic) it’s not too complicated , just point at what you want to kill and then pull the trigger . Sonic (reaching into the bag and pulling out a pistol) – Okay (untranslatable Canadian gibberish)you got it . Karl – Hey , why does she get all the guns ? Fever – Yeah , I want to shoot things too . DD – She gets all the guns because I trust her not to freak out and shoot me in the back at every little noise . You and Smartass are too jumpy to trust with guns , and you and 40Deuce are too fucking crazy . I’d give a chimp a gun before I gave you one . Now let’s get out of here (snapping the shotgun shut) its past my bedtime . Sonic – Okay , but where are we going now ? (untranslatable Canadian gibberish) is dead , and he’s the one that could fly a plane – there’s no point in going to the airport without him is there ? DD – Not that I can see . Karl (slamming his fist into a nearby car) – of a bitch ! (grabbing 40Deuce) You had to get that chainsaw didn’t you ?! You fucked us over 40Deuce ! You killed the doctor ! Now we’re screwed ! DD (scornfully) – Cut it out ! Arguing isn’t going to help us now ! So 40Deuce killed the doctor , so what ? It was his own fault – when someone says heads up you’re not actually supposed to look up . So 40Deuce is a moron , we knew that coming in and you wouldn’t let me leave him behind . 40Deuce (childishly) – Yeah , so there . Fever – Okay , so we AREN’T going to the airport , what AM we going to do ? Smartass (raising her hand) – Uh , I have something to say . (they all turn to her) I have to go to the bathroom . DD (gesturing) – So go . Smartass (horrified) – Outside ? Where anyone could see ? (shaking her head emphatically) No , absolutely not , I will not go to the bathroom outside like an animal . (crossing her arms) Slap me all you want DD , but I need a bathroom . You can imagine the argument that that touches off , but Smartass won’t budge – she needs to use the restroom and that’s that . Fever tries to play peace-maker . Fever – Can’t you just hold it ? Smartass (exasperated) – I’ve been holding it for what seems like an hour already ! Karl (pointing urgently) – Zombies ! Indeed there are zombies coming from both sides of the street . DD blast away at the west-bound zombies with her shotgun , but she has to reload after every two shots and that gives them time to advance . Sonic puts a whole seventeen round clip from a 9 mil into the lead zombie on her side but it keeps coming . She pulls out a heavy revolver and puts six high caliber slugs into it , knocking it down and blowing pieces of it off but it still keeps coming – and there’s a whole bunch right behind it . Sonic pulls out a single shot derringer and finally stops the lead zombie with a shot through the nose , but the rest of them are too close now . Sonic (yanking out another gun and throwing the bag behind her) – These things are useless ! Why didn’t you get a whole bunch of shotguns ! DD (reloading again) – Hey bitch they had a limited selection – don’t yell at me ! Karl and Smartass dive into the bag and grab guns to add to Sonic’s firepower , but even three of them combined can’t keep the zombies at bay . 40Deuce promptly manages to shoot himself in the foot and as he’s hoping around howling Fever is juggling three guns . Fever – Cool . Hey everybody , check this out – look what I can do ! Sonic (throwing an empty pistol at the approaching horde) – We have to get out of here ! With both sides of the street blocked they retreat into a Sam Goody – and they’re granted a momentary reprieve as the zombie hordes outside stop to snack on their fallen brothers . DD keeps a watch out the front as the rest of them explore the darkened store . Karl (excitedly) – I found a back way out ! Smartass – I found a bathroom ! Fever – I found a rare Almond Brothers import album ! DD careful backs away from the door , keeping a careful eye on the zombies feasting outside . She backs up next to Fever and smacks her hard across the face . Fever (crossly) – You know one day someone’s going to get tired of your . . . omphfs ! That as DD rams the butt of her shotgun into her gut and drives the air out of her . Sonic (sighs) – Come on Smartass , if you have to go to the bathroom this is your chance . Smartass (outraged) – I can go to the bathroom by myself ! I don’t need you to protect me Sonic ! She stomps off , leaving the rest of them hanging around waiting – DD still keeping a watchful eye out the front of the store . Karl – When we only had the axe DD got to have it , and now that we only have one gun who’s got it ? I’m starting to sense a pattern here . Sonic (slapping him suddenly) – Shut up . DD (nodding) – Thanks . 40Deuce hops up on the front counter and starts to say something , but he must have hit some switch or something , because suddenly music comes blaring over the store’s sound system – 'Billionaire' by Travis McCoy . DD spins and fires – the sound deafening inside the store . Everyone hits the deck , covering their heads . Karl (getting up and looking around) – Did you get it ?! Did you get it ?! DD (reloading) – Get what ? There was no zombie (snapping the shotgun shut) I just hate that song . (irritated) What’s taking Smartass so long ? (heading for the bathroom) So help me god Smartass if you’re fixing your make up or something I’m going to . . . . She yanks the bathroom door open and Karl lets out and anguished scream – Smartass is sitting on the toilet with her mouth hanging open and her tongue lolling out , a zombie quietly chewing on her brains . Fever and 40Deuce are both horrified , and even Sonic seems a little shocked . The zombie doesn’t pay any attention as DD puts the tip of her shotgun against his neck and gives him both barrels – decapitating the undead fiend instantly . DD (reloading) – Hmm , I guess it’s true what they say – the cheerleader is always the first to die . (heading for the door) Unless you count the doctor . (stopping at the door and turning to them) Are you guys coming or not ? Karl (as Sonic goes to DD’s side) – We can’t just leave her here ! We can’t leave her for them to get to ! We can’t . . . . (he breaks off sobbing) DD (snorting) – Well we’re sure as hell not taking her with us . Carrying a dead body around zombie town is about a smart as jumping into a shark tank with bloody piece of meat around your neck . (giving Sonic a look) Honestly , some people have no sense . Sonic (nodding) – (untranslatable Canadian gibberish) . DD and Sonic go out the back way , and after a moment 40Deuce and Fever reluctantly follow – looking at Smartass’s body with sorrowful expressions . Karl is left in there by himself , on his knees and banging his fists on the ground . Eventually the zombies outside break in through the glass and come after him . Crying his eyes out he gets to his feet and runs off after the rest of them . The zombies don’t chase him , instead going to the easy meal in the bathroom . Karl (grabbing DD’s arm as they jog along) – How could you do that ? How could you leave her behind like that ? DD (stiffly pulling her arm away) – It was surprisingly easy . (Karl punches her and knocks her down – he comes at her again , but the shotgun in his face stops him) Look , Smartass is dead – that’s a fact . My job is to worry about the living . What does it matter what happens to her after she’s dead ? That means it’s not my problem anymore – now get back ! DD gets to her foot and they continue on their way . DD – So the airport isn’t our objective anymore – that means we have to fall back on our original plan and escape by sea . We’re headed to the marina and then we’re going to get in a boat and leave this festering town behind . After that we’ll figure out what’s what . Fever (muted) – How much longer until sunrise ? Sonic (looking up at the sky) – I’d say about three of four hours , maybe five . DD – Great , looks like I picked the wrong day to give up crystal meth . They get to the white sands of Sueno Beach without too much trouble , but the marina is a fair peice to the south . There’s a bonfire sputtering out on the beach , surrounded by blankets , beer cans and bottles , and the chewed-up remains of teenage revelers . They all stop for a moment to warm up and dry off by the fire . Sonic (checking the keg) – Empty (throwing a plastic cup aside) figures . Fever (looking around) – I don’t see any zombies around here . DD (holding her hands up to the fire) – Of course there’s not – how many times do I have to tell you ? Zombies don’t like the water ! They’re scared of it , they won’t come anywhere near it ! Did you go deaf from being stupid or stupid from being deaf ? 40Deuce – Or did you go to the Def Leopard concert wearing an “I’m With Stupid” shirt ?! DD (leveling her shotgun at 40Deuce) – Don’t tempt me 40Deuce , don’t tempt me . 40Deuce (tossing his hair) – I can’t help but tempt women sugarlips , such is the glory that is 40Deuce . Karl – Shut up ! Shut up ! All of you just shut the up ! Smartass is dead and all you can do is . . . . . (taking a deep breath and calming down) I think we should all stand and have a moment of silence for Smartass . 40Deuce (nodding) – I think that’s appropriate . DD rolls her eyes , but she gets up with the rest of them . They fold their hands and lower their heads , standing around the flickering fire for a moment . DD keeps looking up to see if they’re done yet or not . Fever – Maybe . . . . . maybe someone should say a few words . DD (shrugging) – You got it . Smartass . . . . . . what can I say about Smartass ? She was a woman . . . . . like most people she liked the things in life that she liked . Uh . . . . . what else can I say ? She was a wuss , but I hear she was a hell of a ball player . Karl (shaking his head) – Why couldn’t it have been you ? The world wouldn’t miss a heartless bitch like you , Smartass was a warm , kind , caring person . DD (resting her shotgun on her shoulder) – You’re right , the world probably wouldn’t miss me at all – and maybe it will miss Smartass . (smiling) But it ain’t up to the world is it ? I’m still here because I am a heartless bitch , and Smartass is gone because she was soft and weak – that’s the way it works buddy . Sonic (shaking her head) – If only she hadn’t been so stubborn , I should have gone with her . Fever (putting her arm around her) – You can’t blame yourself Sonic. Sonic (shrugging her off) – Don’t touch me . DD (waving) – Enough chatter losers , let’s move . DD once again leads the way as they walk down the beach towards the marina – although there’s not a zombie in site . They’re almost there when 40Deuce calls out . 40Deuce – Hey , wait up ! Wait a minute everybody , my foot is stuck in something . Fever (leaping into Sonic’s arms) – Quicksand ! Sonic (dropping Fever on her head) – I think that stuff the doc gave us is wearing off . (flexing her arm with a pained expression) My arm doesn’t feel so good anymore . Fever (sitting on the sand) – Yeah , and my leg is starting to throb again too . DD – Suck it up you two ! (gesturing) I’ve only got one foot here and I’m doing fine . 40Deuce , move your ass or get left behind ! Karl (tugging on 40Deuce’s leg) – No , he’s really stuck – his foot is in a hole or something . (tugging harder) I just have to . . . . 40Deuce – Ow ! Ow ! Stop , you’re going to break my foot off ! I don’t want to live without a foot ! I’ll be a freak , and outcast , a miserable wretch ! Without a foot I won’t deserve even the slightest human consideration ! I’ll be abused and tormented by even the lowest of the low ! I’ll be . . . (noticing DD staring at him) . . . . oh , sorry DD , I didn’t mean . . . DD (walking over to them) – You’re already a freak , an outcast , and a miserable wretch . (helping Karl pull) Can’t you people do anything without me ? They’re both pulling and then all of a sudden Snicker’s leg comes free and he tumbles over on top of Karl – DD wavering but staying on her foot . She curses and unleashes a shotgun blast down into the sand where they were pulling . Just then the sand flies up all around them as buried zombies in beachware spring out of hiding and grab at them . They swing into action trying to club the zombies off as DD blows them to pieces , but there’s too many of them coming from all around . They make a run for it , but their path is blocked by buxom zombie lifeguards in red uniforms wielding weird plastic deals with ropes attached to them . Karl launches himself at them and bowls them over with a body block , allowing everyone else to escape over and around them . DD fires a few more blasts and pulls Karl up , helping to him run . But he’s been badly mauled and he can’t keep up , even with DD’s help . At this rate the zombies are closing in on them . DD – God damn it Karl get the lead out ! We have to move ! Karl (weakly) – Just leave me , I’ll hold them off for as long as I can . DD (dropping him to the sands) – Sure thing sport . DD and Sonic continue to the marina , but 40Deuce and Fever stop and look at each other and down at Karl . 40Deuce – It was my idea , I’ll do it . Fever – No , we’ll decide this the way they decide everything important . They hold their fists out , pump them three times , and then Fever throws scissors as 40Deuce throws rock . 40Deuce hugs Fever and pats her on the back , then helping Karl up and aiding him to escape as Fever stays behind – stripping off her burrito custom and stretching out a bit . 40Deuce (pausing) – Here , you’ll need this ! (throwing him one of this white clown gloves) Good luck ! The zombies are closing in as Fever catches the glove and puts it on . He turns to face the zombie horde . Fever – Okay zombies , I’m going to rock your world – I’m going to dance you right into oblivion . (she starts snapping her fingers) Just beat it , beat it ! (frowning) No wait , that’s not right . . . hmm , how does that go ? (snapping) Oh yeah , Billy Jean is not my lover . . . . no , that’s not it . What was that called ? Driller ? Miller ? Filler ? (smacking herself in the forehead) Oh yeah , Thriller ! I don’t think I ever saw that video (dancing) did it go like this ? Meanwhile , up ahead , 40Deuce has caught up to DD and Sonic – who aren’t moving so fast themselves anymore as their injuries are starting to nag them again . Sonic – What happened to (untranslatable Canadian gibberish)? 40Deuce (as terrible screaming comes from behind them) – Oh , I’m sure she’s okay . When they reach the marina they immediately run out into the dock , looking for a good boat to take , but zombies start climbing out of the water and onto the dock from every side – even more of them start coming out of boats and rafts and whatever’s handy . 40Deuce and Karl are between Sonic and DD – who’re doing their best to keep the zombies back . 40Deuce (pointing out to sea) – A great white whale zombie ! DD (smacking him hard) – Shut up ! (blasting away a water-logged zombie) You know , I’m starting to think that maybe this whole zombie’s not liking water thing isn’t exactly true . Sonic (knocking a zombie back into the water with an oar she grabbed off a boat) – Gee , you think ? DD (blasting again and reloading) – Well it looks like our water escape isn’t turning out quite how I planned – what now ? I’m pretty much out of ideas . 40Deuce (ducking as Sonic nearly knocks him off the dock with a backswing of her oar) – We need to get to the WSBF channel 14 television station (making a face) I know its NBC , but still , it’s not like we’re going to the local Warner Brother’s affiliate station or anything right ? DD (lashing backwards with a kick that misses him) – SHUT UP !!! Karl (holding his bloody chest) – No , I think he’s on to something – the channel 14 eye in the sky – we can get away in the newscopter . 40Deuce – Yeah , yeah , copter 14 will save the day ! Sonic (swinging her oar for all its worth) – Do we know how to fly a helicopter ? 40Deuce (laughing) – Of course ! I flew an apache attack copter in the army ! What’d you think I did , some namby-pamby administration or something ? Did you think I was wussy Navy Seal or what ? DD (whirling around , knocking 40Deuce down and leveling the shotgun at his face) – WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR FUCKING JOKES !!! 40Deuce (looking into her eyes) – It’s no joke , I can fly a helicopter . A zombie grabs DD from behind , but with a shout she flips it over her shoulder and blasts its to pieces . She whirls around , shooting and blowing another zombie back into his friends and knocking them into the water . She goes to reload , but all that’s in her dress is the goodies that god gave her . Using the shotgun like a club she knocks the last zombie off . DD – Quick , this is our chance , go ! Go ! They don’t need to be told twice , 40Deuce helps Karl up and they dash off the dock back onto dry land . A zombie pops out of a rental place at them , but 40Deuce uses Karl like a ram to knock him down and run past . Sonic and DD are holding off the zombies coming up from the end of the dock . DD (jerking her head) – Go on , go , I’ll be right behind you ! Sonic hurls her oar at the zombies , breaking it , and then runs after 40Deuce and Karl – stepping on the zombie they knocked down and keeping him from getting up . DD is backing her away towards the shore as she clubs with her shotgun , but zombies are climbing up behind her too . She backs into them , whirling and knocking them down with the cooler that has her foot in it . She jumps over them and runs for it , but zombies in the water pull the dock apart from under her and she falls into the water with a scream and a splash . Sonic turns around as DD disappears under the water with zombies grabbing her . Sonic – (untranslatable Canadian gibberish)!!! She tries to run back , but 40Deuce and Karl grab her and hold her back . All that’s left of DD is her cooler floating on the surface and a few bubbles coming up from below . Karl and 40Deuce and trying desperately to drag Sonic away , as zombies are coming up out of the water after them . Karl (pulling on her hair) – God damn it DD gave her life to save you – don’t throw it away like this ! Don’t make her sacrifice for nothing ! One zombie comes close and Sonic leaps on it with an animalistic howl – tearing it limb from limb with her bare hands as Karl and 40Deuce watch in disbelief . Spattered with gore she leaves the twitching body parts behind and staggers up with them . Sonic (grabbing 40Deuce by the face) – Can you really fly a (untranslatable Canadian gibberish)? 40Deuce (nodding as best he can) – I swear on a book of carpet samples . Sonic (sighing and heading back into town) – Let’s go . Tomorrow – The final spine-chilling chapter “Dead Men Don’t Wear Pants !”
	2 Comments

Foodgina	Posted:Apr 2, 2012 10:54 am Last Updated:Apr 3, 2012 4:03 pm 92452 Views
The only thing that really bothers me about being single is it highly curtails your options for dining out (and eating out WINK) I don't think I've had Chinese or Mexican in close to a year . Which makes me a sad polar bear . There is only one Chinese place that delivers to my house and based on the online reviews 10% of the time what they deliver is bugs . Its a sad sorry state of affairs . A fuckbuddy would be nice and all , but what I really want is a foodbuddy . Foods people say look like vaginas (although in reality NOTHING looks like a vagina but a vagina or a Georgia O'Keefe painting) 1. Clams Clams are okay on their own . In a chowder they become awesome . I much prefer oysters in pretty much any format - oyster stew is the best . But even though physiologically they're more or less identical I never hear anyone use oyster as euphemism . Probably because it doesn't rhyme with anything . You can jam out with your clam out , but what can you do with your oyster ? 2. Tacos I am pro-taco , but for there to be a vagina resemblance it has to be a hard shell and I much prefer soft shell . Don't get me wrong , I'll definitely eat a hard shell taco (if you know what I mean) but I'll always choose soft shell . 3. Sliced avocado This one is stretching the resemblance to me - also I don't like avocado is any format . I HATE guacamole , HATE it . Why do people keep trying to make me eat it ? I don't like guacamole !!! 4. Tub of margarine (when first opened) Eh , sort of , sometimes , I guess . People really WANT to see vaginas in everything don't they ? I don't care for margarine or butter . Sour cream ? Great . Cream cheese ? I';ll take it . But leave you butter and butter substitutes out of it . 4. Sliced red peppers Again this is a stretch , but kind of . I have no problem with peppers . You want to throw em in great ? You want to leave them out , that's cool too . 5. Monkey vaginas Spot on resemblance for sure , but the taste is weak and the texture ? Don't even get me started . As long as we're taking about food , I love gator meat but as I live in Iowa there's only a few places that serve it and only at certain times . My question is can you farm raise gators for eatin' ? I know they have gator "farms" for tourists , but is it feasible to have a working gator ranch (since farms are for crops) . Speaking of which , I put forth that Gatorland not Disneyland is the happiest place on earth - even though last time I was there the Crocodiles of the World section was closed . How long does it take to raise a gator to eating weight ? I hear the good meat is in the tail ? Can you amputate the tail and leave the gator alive ? Would that be more merciful or just cruel ? Can you keep the temperature at the level where the gators are in torpor all the time ? Is that cruel ? Do I get government subsidies for raising gators ? So many questions . In other news I walked around En Pointe for a couple hours this morning to see what it would be like if I was a couple inches taller . I also did a couple Grand jetés and a Fouetté rond de jambe en tournant but that was just for fun . I didn't think it would make a big difference , but I was wrong . If I was 6'4 my entire life would be way different . I would be way better looking that's for sure . I'd be playing in the NBA definitely , or at least the WNBA in a wig . I'm pretty sure my life would be superior to the way it is now in every way . But I'd probably be a dick too . I think I'm better off .
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Touristas go home	Posted:Apr 2, 2012 7:05 am Last Updated:Apr 3, 2012 4:03 pm 91880 Views
If I remember correctly a couple of my "regular" readers are from the DC area - I'm going to be heading there for work next month . I'm thinking about heading out a few days early to see the sights . Is there anything in particular you would recommend ? Also I'm given to understand DC is a crime-ridden hellhole/wretched hive of scum an villainy , how do I blend in so I don't attract a abnormal amount of hostile intention ? How do I avoiding running afoul of Mara Salvatrucha 13 ? I hear that modern day slavery is on the rise (28 million at last estimate) I assume DC is ground zero for that kind of thing , how do I make it obvious that I am weak and not good stock for slaving ? Are organ thieves still operating unchecked there ?
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10 orgasms in 10 minutes or your next orgasm is free !	Posted:Apr 1, 2012 11:00 am Last Updated:Apr 4, 2012 3:46 pm 92728 Views
Its been brought to my attention that the "All Flesh" series I'm working on is ; 1. Too long 2. Boring 3. Sucks because its not about sexual intercourse Never let it be said that 40Deuce is not a man who doesn't bow to social pressure . This will be a short post that is vaguely about sex . As so many ladies on Senior Sizzle have been gleefully happy to point out I'm a pretty vanilla guy when it comes to sex . But there are 3 kind of freaky things that I'm into . I've already discussed one - my desires to make sweet , sweet , love to a Queen or Princesses royal asshole - even an Archduchess or Landgravine would be okay . The second is that I'm attracted to pregnant ladies . I'm not 100% sure why because that belly button thing really freaks me out - its like the belly is pointing and say "Hey you're you're in my way ." But for whatever reason I get turned on by pregnant ladies . One of the sexiest thing I've ever seen was Catherine Zeta-Jones on David Letterman when she was about to pop . I'm sure part of it is the notion that they're already pregnant so I can't get them pregnant - which is always in the back of my mind during sex and takes away some of the enjoyment . Speaking of which , if you've gone through early menopause give me a jingle . But there's more to it than that , I just can't put my finger on it . Anyway , sex requirement complete - now the complaining . Where's my free shit Senior Sizzle ? I've been here six years and as we all know ; Chutney is the traditional gift for first anniversaries because it embodies the past year of new experiences and exotic encounters , much like the combination of mango and spices . Spandex is symbolic of the second year of because in the second year , one stretches one's opinions , one learns to fit into one's new surroundings , and one starts to get shiny . Jam is the traditional gift for the third anniversary because in the third year , one seeks to add flavor to the dry toast of one's experiences thus far . Lard is the traditional gift for the fourth anniversary because after four years one doesn't have anyone to impress and one just wants to pig out . Concrete is the traditional gift for fifth anniversaries , because after five years you're definitely hardened , smooth , and in for the long haul . Safety glass is the traditional gift for sixth anniversaries because even if the years have shattered you , you're still able to hold it all together on the outside . The ball is in your court Senior Sizzle , make it happen .
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All Flesh Must Be Eaten part 2 - The Dark Waters of Death	Posted:Apr 1, 2012 8:05 am Last Updated:Sep 16, 2021 1:38 pm 94955 Views
Under Water Paradise , once a popular vacation destination , once a source of joy and wonderment , once a celebration of life in all its form , is now the refuge of desperate people numb from the shock of mind-shattering horror . The living dead roam the streets of Sueno Beach , tireless in their search for the living . Driven ever onward , unceasingly , unthinkingly , by their gnawing hunger for still warm flesh . These survivors hide out in the lobby of Underwater Paradise , crouched down behind the ticket counter – where a remains of the hapless ticket taker lie half-eaten – his reward for working late . Fever and Sonic sit together by the wall , both of them not doing so well – their injuries starting to catch up with them . Fever can’t move very quickly with her gnarled leg , but really she’s better off than Sonic , who’s lost a lot of blood and is getting a little woozy . Karl and Smartass are clinging to each other like scared across from them – which is exactly what they feel like too . Fear of the dark is an elemental part of the human psyche – a lingering psychic resonance from the days when man crowded around a tiny fire in some cave and prayed that whatever was lurking around at the mouth of their home would move on . Most people banish it from conscious thought during childhood – but Karl and Smartass have learned that it’s never really gone for good , it just lays low and waits for a few bloodthirsty undead horrors to rear its head again . 40Deuce is standing up between them , dancing around and singing badly – using a shovel as a microphone . 40Deuce (moonwalking) – Thriller ! Thriller night ! You’re fighting for survival , you got to get up , get up , tonight ! (stopping and grinning) Remember ? Jacko starts dancing around and all the zombies do to – it’s the perfect plan ! They can’t hurt us if they’re boogie-ing down right ? Next time they start closing in on us you guys just clap to set the beat and I’m bust on move on their zombie-asses . Before they even know what they’re doing they’ll be moving to the music and I can lead them into a volcano and their fiery deaths ! (starting to dance again) Just another instance were Jacko has saved the day with this musical stylings . I’ll be like the Pied Piper of zombies ! (starting to sing again) Thriller ! Thriller night ! You . . . With a startled cry 40Deuce goes down as Sonic scoots forward a little and sweeps his legs out from under him . She grabs him in a head scissors for a moment . Sonic – Stay down you idiot , and keep your mouth shut – we’re trying to hide here and you’re going to get us found . Understand ? (he nods and she lets him go , sliding back against the wall and putting her one good hand to her stomach) (untranslatable Canadian gibberish) I’m hungry . Fever (her stomach growling) – Don’t remind me Sonic , the smell of ice cream coming off you has been driving me nuts all day . Karl (snorting) – You’re the one dressed like a burrito there pal , I’ve been tempted to knock a zombie down and take a bite out of you a couple of times myself . (everyone is quiet for a while) Do you think this is happening all over the place ? I mean what if this isn’t just a Sueno Beach problem ? What if this is going on everywhere , all over the world ? We might be the only people left on earth . 40Deuce (scoffing) – I doubt it , there’s no way the mutant mole people can’t handle a few zombies . Not to mention the fact that the potato king and his . . . Sonic (kicking him in the side) – Shut up ! Smartass (wryly) – So since DD isn’t here you’re the one who gets to boss everyone around ? Even if this is happening all over the world we can’t be the only people left alive – what about military bases and stuff ? And people who are out on the sea in boats , they’d be okay . Fever – Until they got back to dock . (shaking his head sadly) Poor sailors , they jump onto the dock exacting to find hookers and booze and all they get is some dead guy chewing on their liver . I bet they’ll never see that one coming . And that international space station – you come back home after a long voyage in space and your dead grandma tries to eat you , that’s got to suck . Karl – But we could be the last people on earth , it is possible – we might have to repopulate the earth . Smartass (tugging at her skimpy cheerleader skirt) – Why is everyone looking at me ? Karl/40Deuce (innocently) – No reason . Sonic (snorting) – (untranslatable Canadian gibberish). As much as you (untranslatable Canadian gibberish) might want to take a crack at (untranslatable Canadian gibberish) there it wouldn’t do the world any good . You need at least ten men and ten women to have a wide enough genetic base to rebuild a population . With just the six of us our civilization would be massively inbred within four of five generations especially considering . . . (she looks frankly at 40Deuce and Fever) . . . there’s already a little too much chlorine in the pool . 40Deuce (modestly) – Thank you , I try . Fever – My question is this ; we’ve seen a lot of dead people tonight , a lot – and all of them were half-eaten . What’s that about ? Karl (shrugging) – I guess the zombies like to eat half now and save half for later . Maybe they’re on a diet or something . Smartass (shaking her head) – I don’t see how you can joke at a time like this . Karl (shrugging) – Its either that or have a complete mental breakdown and go as crazy as them (pointing to 40Deuce and Fever) . And I think we’ve already got our crazy quota filled up , so you’re just going to have to deal with it . 40Deuce – Hey ! I resent that implication ! Fever – Ha ! That’s nothing , I implicate your resentment . DD (scaring the hell out of everyone as she steps out of nowhere with axe in hand) – Shut up the both of you . I checked the whole place out , there’s not a zombie in sight . (nodding satisfactorily) I told you losers this would be the best place to come – zombies hate water , that’s a fact . (waving her axe around) Do any of you still think I shouldn’t be the leader ? Huh ? (crossing her arms) I thought not . Karl – Hey DD , if we had to repopulate the earth which one of us would you pick ? DD (snorting) – If we had to repopulate the earth I’d drive this ax into my skull and spare myself the trouble . (waving the axe forward) Now come on , let’s get in there where it’s safer and plan our next move . DD leads the way into Underwater Paradise , which is empty of both zombies and the living alike – not to many people frequent an aquarium in the dead hours of the night . As they follow along behind their fearless leader Sonic and Fever lean on each other and just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other – or crutch as the case may be . 40Deuce is fiddling with a toy dolphin he got as they crossed through the gift shop and whistling loudly . Smartass and Karl on the other hand seem very interested in the tanks that surround them on all sides . They finally speak up as they reach the center of the aquarium and take seats on benches by informative and brightly lit-up displays . Smartass – There aren’t any fish in these tanks . Karl (tapping on the glass behind him) – Yeah , it’s kind of creepy . Where did the fish all go ? DD (scowling at them) – Who the hell cares ? There’s no zombies here – be grateful for that and keep your mouths shut . Creepy ? (shaking her head) We’ve been wandering around on streets covered with blood and brains and innards pursued by the hungry dead and an empty aquarium freaks you out ? Fever – It is kind of spooky . DD (shooting her a dirty look) – Nobody asked you . Here’s our next move , we’re going to wait here and rest for a while and then we’re going to out back . They’ve got them tanks back there where they keep injured marine life until its rehabilitated and can be released back into the wild . That connects to the ocean and they’ve got a little dock out there with a couple of boats . We’ll get on one of them and drive out a mile or so away from shore – surrounded by the safety of water on all sides . Smartass – And then what ? We just wait and see what happens ? DD (crossly) – Do you have a better idea ? We’ll be safe out there , and right now that’s our main priority . Anything else we can deal with as it comes . Karl (sarcastically) – Great plan , we escape the zombies just to starve to death or die of dehydration out on the high seas . I say before we go out on this three hour tour we get all the food and water we can – and gasoline too . We might have to drive up the coast or to Cuba or something . DD (gesturing) – By all means , be my guest , go out there and stop at the supermarket for some munchies , hit the gas station , get your car detailed , and while you’re at it make sure to call home and tell momma you’re dead ! This isn’t a shopping spree buddy , it’s a fucking life or death struggle to survive . Sonic (cutting them off as they start to scream at each other) – Wait just a minute here , let’s talk about this rationally and reasonably okay ? No one needs to go anywhere (patting the glass) we’ve got plenty of water right here . And the sea if full of fish to eat . Fever – Uh , that’s sea water in there Sonic . Sonic (frowning) – (untranslatable Canadian gibberish)? Fever (nodding) – Yeah , the fish in here are the same ones that live out in the ocean you know ? Its like the same water . I don’t think they have any freshwater exhibits – trout and catfish aren’t that exciting . 40Deuce (standing up and walking to the middle of the room) – Thankfully I’m here once again to rescue you poor sods . My dad always told me that if there was ever any trouble to get yourself a kryptonite cross because then you’re safe from both Superman AND Dracula . So the way I see it . . . DD (slapping him silly) – Shut up . Karl (shaking his head) – You know just because you think you’re our leader that doesn’t give you the right to slap us all around like this . DD (turning and leaning in close to him) – You’re right , the fact that I’m your leader and I’m going to save your sorry ass doesn’t give me the right to slap you around . But you know what does give me that right ? Because I’M DD – and you’re NOT ! Karl sneers and shoves her back and only 40Deuce and Smartass jumping up to restrain them keeps them from slugging it out – although Smartass doesn’t have to try too hard to keep Karl under control . 40Deuce on the other hand has his hands full with DD – especially since he’s trying to hold her back with one hand and feel her goodies with the other . DD flips 40Deuce to the ground by the arm and leaves him gasping for air with a stiff-fingered shot to the throat . DD (waving her arms angrily) – What the fuck is wrong with you people ?! Why does everything have to be a fight with you morons ! I’m trying to save your lives – don’t you get that ?! DD goes off on them about everything under the sun , and all five of them back away in fright – not because they’re scared of her , but because in the tank behind her a dark shape is getting larger and larger . They all stare at the rapidly growing shape behind the glass as DD stomps up and down and curses them out for ever being born . As she’s reaching the height of her diatribe Karl and Smartass run for it as 40Deuce , Sonic , and Fever drop to the floor and take cover . DD (seeing them cowering and running off) – What ? What’s wrong with you now ? (disgusted) You’re afraid of me ? Look , I know I’m one scary bitch but show some fucking backbone you cowards ! Yes , I’m the king badass of the world , but . . . Just then the zombie shark slams into the glass at full speed , shattering it and sending a thousands of gallons of water crashing out over DD like a tidal wave . This adult male tiger shark looks like he should be floating upside down at the top of the tank – with little bits of flesh hanging off him and his eyes rolled back in their sockets – but he most certainly is not . He rides the wave of water out like a body surfer , his jaws snapping . The rush of water knocks everyone for a loop and bowls them over – carrying them every which way . The massive zombie beast whips its head from side to side biting blindly as Sonic and Fever scramble away a best than can in their injured condition – Karl and Smartass looking on in horror from a catwalk above . 40Deuce , crazy as ever , leaps onto the writhing beast and grabs onto its fin – whooping and kicking like a cowboy riding a rodeo stallion . The zombie shark goes absolutely berserk , redoubling its thrashing and trying to throw 40Deuce off . Fever reaches up with her crutch and Karl manages to drag her and Sonic up to safety with Smartass and himself . 40Deuce is thrown off violently , his hands and forearms ripped to shreds by the sandpaper like skin , and he hits another tank – the glass cracking . He lays stunned for a moment as the shark zombie flops towards him like some horrible inch worm . From up above Karl and Smartass are screaming for him to get up and run , but 40Deuce sits there in a daze . As the awful undead creature is moving closer the cracks in the glass slowly spread outward and finally it gives way – Smartass screaming as a second torrent of water sends 40Deuce shooting right towards the toothy maw of the undead tiger shark . But the water seems to revitalize him somewhat , snapping him out of his daze , and he twists away at the last moment – shooting along the side of the shark like he’s going down a waterslide . His clown shirt rips off , stuck to the shark’s knotty hide , but he’s able to scramble to the stairs that lead up to the catwalk as the deadly fish flops around trying to get facing the right direction . The five of them watch in astonishment as the shark zombie slowly inches its way towards the steps and with a mighty lunge throws himself on the bottom few . With another lunge he starts to go up the stairs – which are buckling and straining under its weight . As it lunges again the entire catwalk starts to come down – bolts flying out of the ceiling as the support rods break free . The lurching action sends Karl tumbling over the side , but Smartass catches him – her arm almost jerking out of the socket . She starts to go over too , but 40Deuce , Fever and Smartass grab her and haul them both back onto the dubious safety of the catwalk . The shark lurches up further and the catwalk partially rips away – tilting 45 degrees towards the shark’s waiting jaws . The five of them cling to the catwalk desperately , Smartass’s legs flailing just a foot away from the shark’s deadly rows of teeth . But then a waterlogged DD comes back into the picture , grabbing the shark’s tail and pulling him back down to the floor . With surprising quickness the zombie shark whips it tail , smashing her into the wall at high speed . It flails wildly trying to turn around and take advantage of her stunned condition , finally its tail hitting the wall and whipsawing it around . DD is scurrying away just as it makes its bite and she makes a desperate leap – sliding across the wet floor and slamming into a wall . She feels a searing pain and when she looks down she sees only her right foot at the end of her legs – on the left is only a bloody stump . She hears screaming and after a moment she realizes that it’s her own voice she’s hearing . She almost blacks out , her vision swimming , but at the edge of her awareness she sees the zombie shark flopping across the floor – headed her way . She fights to stay conscious , forcing herself to focus and block out the pain . Looking on from above , clinging to the catwalk , her companions are shocked as DD lurches to her feet and limps not away from – but towards the shark ! She mashes her bloody stump down onto the end of 40Deuce’ shovel and pops it up into her hands . Even Sonic is surprised as DD , with one foot , attacks the whipping beast with the shovel . DD (battering the thing with the sharp edge of the shovel and screaming lKarl a madwoman) – Give me back my foot ! Give it ! Its mine ! It’s my foot ! Give it back ! The shark zombie pays no attention to her vicious blows and tries vainly to get around and bite at her . Finally DD drives the shovel into its head like she’s digging a hole for a fencepost and the end of it breaks off – leaving DD with a jagged wooden pole . She looks at it for a second and then rams the splintered handle into the shark’s gill slits . The zombie shark stops moving so frantically , his jaws merely opening and closing reflexively as the smell of flesh fills his nostrils . DD limps away and grabs her fire ax – Smartass turning her head in horror as she starts to hack into the dying (for the second time) creature . Fever is the only one who can watch the whole time as she dismembers the thing and then triumphantly pulls out her severed foot . She falls to the floor , holding the foot and once again covered with blood and disgusting black scum . DD (tucking the foot into the bodice of her dress) – Well , I suppose now we’re going to have to head to the hospital after all . (shaking her head as she uses the axe to lever herself to her foot) Looks like I picked the wrong day to stop using speed . As they move down the streets now they’ve got big problems . DD has a belt around her leg as a tourniquet , trying to reduce the blood flow , and she leans on 40Deuce as she grits her teeth and gamely tries to keep up a good pace . But with Fever on her crutch and Sonic feeling weak they’re barely faster than the zombies . Smartass leads the way and Karl is at the rear , walking backwards with the axe in his hand and striking down any zombie that proves to be faster than the rest and gets too close . Smartass (rubbing her hands together obsessively) – This is not happening , this is not happening , this is not happening . . . . DD (grimly) – Yes it is . Karl (swinging the axe and knocking down a zombie at the head of the pack) - shit on me , shit on me , shit on me . . . . DD (barking orders) – Snap out of it you two ! We’re not going to make it if two of the three people we have left in good shape wig out so get a fucking grip ! You don’t see anyone else losing it do you ? Smartass (spinning around) – That’s because 40Deuce and Fever are already crazy !!! And so are you DD ! SO ARE YOU ! You got your foot bitten of for CHRISTSAKE ! And . . . Sonic (shoving Smartass) – Keep moving (untranslatable Canadian gibberish). Karl (his hands shaking violently as he knocks back another faster than average zombie) – I don’t know how much more of this I can take . . . . . . I don’t know . . . . . I can’t . . . . I can’t (backing into Fever and almost knocking him down) . . . THIS IS CRAZY ! DD – Look people , all we have to do is get to the hospital , sew my foot back on – pump me and Fever and Sonic full of painkillers and adrenaline and we’ll be good to go . Piece of cake . Sonic – You do know how crazy that sounds right ? DD (chuckling) – Crazy ? Look around , we’re in a town infested with the walking dead who are intent on killing us and devouring our flesh – I don’t think crazy has any meaning anymore . Sonic (nodding) – Good point . DD (cutting off Karl and Smartass’s protestations) – Okay we’re going to have to pick up the pace here – we need to get some distance between ourselves and our friends back there . On the double people , move it , move it , move it ! They break into a ragged run , 40Deuce picking DD up and Fever making that crutch fly for all she’s worth . They widen the gap between the pack of zombies behind them and eventually lose them altogether – for the moment . Dodging down alleys and cutting through buildings to avoid other zombies they get to the street that will take them to the Stirling Memorial Hospital . After only a few blocks through Sonic calls a halt . Sonic (holding her hand up) – Wait a minute , wait a minute , I think I have an idea . (looking around to make sure) Yeah , here’s what I want you to do . 40Deuce , you and Karl go over to that bar over there and bring me back as many empty bottles as you can – leave the axe here with DD (waving) Smartass , you come with me . Smartass – What for ? Sonic – There’s no time to explain ! Just do it ! Smartass looks at Karl , who shrugs and then hands the axe to DD – who’s sitting in the middle of the road with Fever . 40Deuce and Karl head for the bar as Smartass hurries up after Sonic . Fever and DD look at each other for a minute and then scoot around back to back – laying the axe to the side where they both keep a hand on it . Fever – What do you think she has in mind ? DD (taking a deep breath) – I don’t know , but it wouldn’t surprise me if this was just a ruse to leave us behind so they wouldn’t be burdened by us . That’s what I’d do and I taught her everything she knows . Fever (quizzically) – Even how to go to the bathroom ? DD (sighing) – If I could reach I’d slap you in the face right now . Fever – Yeah , I’ve noticed you seem to do that a lot . So we’re going to die huh ? DD (shrugging) – Looks like . Fever – Umm . . . . . . too bad huh ? DD – Yep . Fever (after a minute) – Want to play twenty questions ? Over on the north side of the street , inside Mickey’s Irish Pub , Karl is pouring bottles of alcohol out and setting them on a table beside him . 40Deuce is sitting on the floor drinking a bottle of booze as fast as he can and spilling all over himself . Karl (dumping out a bottle over 40Deuce’ head) – What are you doing ?! 40Deuce (taking the bottle away from his mouth for half a second) – DD told us to empty the bottles out . . . (burping) . . . that’s what I’m trying to do . Karl (smacking 40Deuce on the top of the head as he starts to drink again) – Dump them out 40Deuce ! DUMP them out ! Don’t drink them ! She didn’t send us over here to get hammered , she sent us over here to . . . YAAAAAAAAAAH ! That’s the noise you make when a zombie comes bursting out of the bathroom , slips on some beer on the floor , and as he falls latches his teeth onto your backside like donkey eating a waffle . Karl screams again and flails his arms wildly , running around and dragging the zombie behind him like some massive rotting tail . 40Deuce (pointing and laughing hilariously) – The zombie bit your bottom ! In his wild scramblings about Karl smashes into tables and chairs , whipping around violently , but that zombie won’t come loose – he’s attached to Karl’s muscular buttocks like a barnacle to the hull of a ship . Karl leaps over the bar and finally the zombie comes loose – slamming into the bar and tearing off a good chuck of prime rump roast for himself as he hits the ground . 40Deuce is laughing so hard he falls over as Karl comes up behind the bar with a baseball bat in hand and a look of savage fury on his face . The zombie slowly gets up and Karl swings for the fence – knocking the zombie’s head off clean as a whistle . Karl jumps back over the bar and continues to angrily pound on the lifeless torso screaming at it incoherently . Karl (spinning to face the still laughing 40Deuce) – What are you laughing at ?! Karl goes after 40Deuce with the bat , who takes off running , laughing all the way . Meanwhile , on the south side of the street Smartass is nervously filling up gas cans at Pete’s Pump and Pay – her eyes darting back and forth and jumping at every little sound . She almost jumps out of her skin as the door bangs open and Sonic comes walking out with an armload of lighters and handkerchiefs . She’s also got a piece of beef jerky in her mouth and she’s singing softly to herself in Canadian . She gets up to Smartass and spits out the jerked meat , making a face . Sonic – How can you people eat crap like that ? (dropping her stuff in Smartass’s lap) Here , you carry this stuff , I’ll get the (untranslatable Canadian gibberish). Smartass starts to say something , but then screeches and clutches onto Sonic’s leg as she sees a zombie slowly shuffling their way from around the corner of the store . Sonic picks up the pump handle that Smartass dropped to the ground and carefully douses the approaching zombie with unleaded ultra plus gasoline . She drops the pump and takes one of the lighters , flicking it on and smiling . Sonic – (untranslatable Canadian gibberish). With that dry cool witticism she tosses the lighter onto the zombie and she and Smartass grab their stuff and book . The zombie lights up like a Christmas tree , still coming after them a few steps before it disintegrates into a flaming mass of lifeless goo . Sonic and Smartass get back to Fever and DD just as 40Deuce and Karl are running back from the other way with their arms full of empty bottles – and one full one . DD and Fever don’t seem to notice them coming right away because they’re singing . DD – I’m just mad about Saffron . Fever – Saffron’s mad about me . Both – They call me Mello Yello ! Fever – Quite right ! DD cuts off , embarrassed , and digs her elbow into Fever back to shut her up . DD – I told you to stop singing that stupid song – we need to be on the look out here ! (looking up at Sonic) How’d you guys make out ? Sonic (horrified) – (untranslatable Canadian gibberish)! This is not the time making out ! DD (confused) – What ? No , I meant . . . (shaking her head) just forget about it . What’s the plan ? The plan is simple enough , and you’ve probably already guessed it yourself . They start moving again , slowly and cautiously , and along the way they fill the empty liquor bottles with gasoline , stuff the handkerchiefs in the necks , and distribute them to everyone – along with a lighter . They also wolf down a few Twinkies and whatnot that Sonic picked up as well . Sonic (brandishing the full bottle) – I told you to empty them all out – can’t you do anything right ? Karl (snatch the bottle away from her and taking a drink) – This one we can empty on the way . (he drinks again and passes the bottle – 40Deuce tries to take it , but he yanks it away from him) Not you ! You’ve already had enough . (he passes it over his shoulder to Smartass) Here you go , a little liquid courage . Smartass (taking a big drink) – God knows I could use it . On the way they manage to avoid any major concentrations of zombies , saving their home-made grenades for when they really need them . They can tell they’re getting close when they start seeing half-eaten corpses with lab coats and medical scrubs laying in the streets . Even closer and they start to see people in hospital gowns , some with IV tubes still trailing behind them run down and devoured partially as they tried to flee . Stirling Memorial Hospital itself has a couple of ambulances out front with slaughtered EMTs and emergency patients lying in and around them . As they arrive there a janitor on the roof is being pursued by a six-pack of zombies and runs out of room . As they close in he leaps to his death rather than be eaten alive . The whole place is crawling with zombies – you can see them in every window and door – some chasing still living victims , others enjoying their grisly feast . DD (limping along with Karl holding her up) – See ? What did I tell you , this place is zombie central . Fever – Yeah , but this is the first time we’ve seen anyone else alive . Doesn’t look like that’s going to last for long though – we better get in there and save them . DD (as they slowly head for the doors) – Save them ? We’re not here to save anyone , we’re here to fix ourselves up – get in , get out . If we happen to save anyone along the way fine (hefting her bottle) but we don’t even know if these things are going to work . 40Deuce lights one of his and hurls it a group of zombies hunched over and ravenously devouring a man with a cast on his arm . It explodes brightly and incinerates the horrid creatures in mere seconds . Karl – Now we do . 40Deuce (happily as he lights another) – Cocktails anyone ? They head in , with Fever and DD in the middle for what little protection that offers . The moltov (or is it molotov ?) cocktails work better than they could have hoped – turning the Stirling Memorial Hospital in a veritable zombie barbecue . And what’s better the sprinklers come on quickly and put out any fires before they set the whole building ablaze . Eventually they reach the emergency room , and Karl takes up a guard position at the door as Smartass and 40Deuce do what they can for the injured parties – which frankly isn’t much . DD (holding her severed foot out) – Come on , just sew it back on already . Smartass (sickened) – Get that thing out of my face ! Do you have any idea how complicated a procedure it is to reattach a limb ? Its major surgery DD , it takes hours and hours ! I barely even know first aid ! 40Deuce (coming over with some sutures) – I’ll do it . Smartass (stopping him) – No you won’t – no one’s going to do it . None of us are surgeons here , we’d make things worse . What we have to do is stop the bleeding somehow and . . . Karl (anxiously) – Whatever you do do it fast ! I can hear them coming . DD (taking the handkerchief out of one of the bottles and dumping it on her stump) – Don’t be ridiculous , the sprinklers probably drove away any that we didn’t fry – zombies hate water damn it ! Fever – Stop saying that ! You don’t know that for sure ! DD – Bite me . As she says that she takes her lighter and sets her bloody stump on fire – wailing like a banshee as everyone else freaks out pretty good . Mostly they panic and run around like chickens with their heads cut off , but Fever has the presence of mind to grab a fire blanket out of the container on the wall and smother the flames . They are gawk at DD for a moment as she lies on the table . After a moment she weakly raises her head . DD (feebly) – There , the bleeding is stopped , now do what you can do for Sonic and Tweedle-dumb and let’s get the fuck out of here . (wiping her sweaty face) Looks like I picked the wrong day to stop using bear tranquilizers . Smartass goes to do what little she can , but just then a cabinet bursts open and someone flies out . With a shout Karl turns and hurls one of the last flaming missiles they have at the form , but Sonic’s hand – quick as a striking snake – snatches it out of the air . She quickly blows it out as the man runs screaming at Karl . Karl puts his hand out and knocks him down with a stiff arm . It’s not a zombie , but rather a short balding man with a beard and glasses in a white coat . He cowers and covers his head . Doctor – Don’t eat me ! Don’t eat me ! Smartass (kicking him in the ribs) – Christ ! Don’t do that ! You nearly gave me a heart attack ! (she shakes her head) We’ve got enough problems without you jumping out at us buddy . Doctor (fearfully peeking out from behind his hands) – You’re alive ? 40Deuce (wryly) – For the time being . DD (arrogantly) – Thanks to me . And then there were seven – an a highly valuable edition too . He’s able to patch them up pretty well , shooting them full of all kinds of happy thing that make the pain go away . By the end Fever and 40Deuce and clowning around with the x-ray machine as he’s working on Sonic’s arm and shoulder . He even packs DD’s foot in a special cooler so that if they get out of here and find a working hospital it can be re-attached . They set out with their spirits renewed and feeling pretty good , but they’re down to their last few cocktails and they have to use them to get outside – the zombies don’t seem to mind the fire sprinklers at all . They get outside and are weaponless again , aside from the axe – which DD insists that she have . Karl (sputtering and pointing to her leg) – But , but , you , your . . . DD (slapping him) – Shut up ! I feel fine now , and even with one foot off I’m a better fighter than you are . (setting the axe down emphatically and leaning on it) Now , which way do we go from here ? 40Deuce – What about the airport ? DD (out of reflex she starts to slap him and tell him to shut up , but she stops) – Wait a minute , what did you say ? 40Deuce – Ponce DeLeon airport is just a few blocks from here . Smartass (hopefully) – Can anyone fly a plane ? Doctor (raising his hand timidly) – A can fly a small plane , I’ve logged about a hundred hours or so . Smartass is so happy she kisses him , but getting a few blocks in a zombie infested hellhole is easier said than done . They try several different roundabout ways to get to the airfields , but there are zombies everywhere – and they’re all hungry . They can’t fight , so their only chance is to run and try to get there from a different angle . They cut through the Dobb’s Animal Park (ignoring 40Deuce’ screaming about zombie goats) but find their way blocked again . They’re about to turn back when Karl spots something . Karl (grabbing DD’s shoulder) – Hey , wait a minute . (pointing) Check that out . DD – A toy store ? What do we want with a fucking toy store ? Karl – There could be something useful in there , I’m going to check it out . DD (snorting) – Fine , we’re leaving , send us a postcard when you get to hell okay ? Fever (pointing the other way) – But look over there , TruValue hardware , I bet there’s something good in there . You guys go check that out while Karl and I go to the toy store . Sonic – Why do YOU want to go to the toy store ? Fever (sheepishly) – Toy stores are fun . So they split up , and go their separate ways . At the hardware store DD , Sonic , Smartass , 40Deuce , and their new doctor friend add a sledgehammer , a few rakes , and a wood chopping ax to their arsenal of a fire axe and a baseball bat . 40Deuce comes up from behind the counter with Cheshire-cat like smile on his face . 40Deuce – I just hit the mother load . (they all turn to look and he lifts up a chainsaw) Oh yeah baby yeah ! DD (slapping him across the face viciously) – Put that down before you kill yourself you moron ! A chainsaw isn’t a weapon , leave it behind ! 40Deuce (laughing) – You stupid fool , a chainsaw isn’t a weapon ? Haven’t you ever heard of a little movie called Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers ? Or a fellow by the name of Leatherface ? DD (slapping him again) – No chainsaw ! It’s not useful as a weapon , it’s too unwieldy ! A chainsaw is not a sword , you can’t swing it at someone and expect to accomplish anything ! Besides , you need fuel for it jackass ! (waving to the others) Come on , let;s go ! Leave that thing behind 40Deuce , I mean it ! 40Deuce looks downtrodden for a second and starts to put it down , but then he stops and puts it on the counter . He takes a bottle of gasoline out of his back giant clown pocket and takes the handkerchief out of it . With a wicked grin he takes the cap off the chainsaw and pours in the gas , putting it back and sneaking out – trying to hide the chainsaw behind his back and failing miserably . Meanwhile , in the toy store Karl is grabbing all kinds of things as Fever is jumping on a pogo-stick and trying to dribble a basketball at the same time while singing the Canadian national anthem . Fever – Ooooooooo Canada , our home and native land ! Our . . . blarrrrrghh ! That’s the noise you might make if a zombie jumped out of a ballpit and tackled you off your pogostick – intent on eating you like a corndog . Fever (trying to keep the snapping mouth part away from his face) – Deity of your choice protect me ! Karl help ! Help ! Karl comes to the rescue with his ball bat – splattering the zombie’s head all over Fever’s face and upper body . Fever takes a moment to comment on how funky that is as Karl helps him up . They hop on a Razor scoot and whiz off to meet up with the rest of their friends . When they do DD sticks out her foot and sends them flying head over heels as the scooter comes to an abrupt halt . DD – God damn it this is serious you sons a bitches ! We don’t have time for you stupid little games ! Karl (coughing as he lays on his stomach) – It’s not a game , that’s much faster , we should all get them . Fever (holding her knee) – And it’s not stupid , it’s a Razor scooter ! DD – Oh yeah ? Well now its garbage ! (she axes the hell out of it) While you idiots were wasting your time at a toy store we were getting real weapons ! (tossing a rake and the new axe at them) Here , take these ! Doctor (whispering to Smartass) – Is she always like this ? Smartass (shaking her head) – Nah , sometimes she can be a real bitch . Sonic (cocking her head and frowning) – What’s that noise ? Fever – Yeah , I can hear it too . It’s kind of a weird combination of a whish-whish sound with a rolling kind of sound . They all stand and listen in confusion and wonder for a moment , but soon enough their question is answered . The entire DeLeon High School in-line hockey team comes skating around the corner and stops on a dime – wielding their hockey sticks with little bits and pieces of gristle and blood on them . 40Deuce – What in the unholy crimson heck is that ?! Fever (nearly wetting herself) – Zombie hockey players from hell ! DD (hefting her axe) – Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit snorting cocaine . Tomorrow – Part Three “Beach Blanket Zombie Blast !”
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Another denied post honestly ?	Posted:Mar 31, 2012 8:14 pm Last Updated:Apr 1, 2012 9:13 pm 91797 Views
With all the stuff people get away with talking about there am I once again shocked to very core that I have somehow crossed the line of decency on Senior Sizzle again . Zero views did seem pretty low , even for me .
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All Flesh Must Be Eaten - Part One , the beginning of the end of the beginning (of the end)	Posted:Mar 31, 2012 1:55 pm Last Updated:Sep 16, 2021 1:36 pm 98994 Views
Hey , remember that time I and a bunch of unauthorized likenesses moved to the small vibrant community of Sueno Beach , Florida . Seuno Beach despite its many charms had the misfortune of being founded on the sacred burial ground of a group of Miccosukee vampire werewolves who were viciously slaughtered during their most magical of rituals by a roving band of Spanish witches . Also their symphony is second rate at best . At best . Our story begins with a fellow named Karl – he was one of the first to move down to Sueno Beach and that’s probably why he landed a plum job at Sueno Beach Video Rental . He hinted that maybe they should get a more creative name , no one really listens to anything he says . He’s had a long day and he’s glad it’s almost closing time . He thinks to himself “What kind of video store stays open until midnight anyway ? Especially on Halloween . Especially on the anniversary of all those being killed and drained of blood by Charlie Sheen” as he starts to close things down . He’s just finished up vacuuming when the bell rings and he turns his head – as he does almost every night at closing 40Deuce has come to visit him . As befits a man of such great stature 40 was able to secure a pretty sweet gig as a party clown , which I think we can all agree is much better than the standard non-party clown . Also I knew a guy they called Party Clown in college . He was douche . Karl (wrapping up the vacuum cord) – Hey buddy , how was it today ? 40Deuce (hopping up on the counter and helping himself to some licorice) – I tell you Karl , people think that clowning is all fun and games , but it’s hard god damn work . The are bad enough , but it’s the mother’s that wear me out – all these lonely single moms coming onto me . (shaking his head) Its brutal man . Do you have any idea how hard it is to make a balloon giraffe and have sex at the same time ? (taking off one of his big shoes to scratch his foot) I try to resist , but I’m not made of stone Karl – I’m only human . Karl (putting the vacuum away) – Yeah , women are suckers for a man in uniform . (grabbing his jacket from behind the counter) We’re out of here man , you want to grab some Chinese or something ? 40Deuce – Yeah , but promise me this time you won’t touch the load-bearing wonton – you almost brought the whole place down on our heads last time ! (jerking his head towards the front window) But I think you got some customers . Karl (annoyed) – Hey we’re closed , piss off !(going over to tap on the sign) come back tomorrow . Outside , there’s about a dozen people standing by the window – their hands and faces pressed up against the glass as if they don’t realize it’s there and they don’t know what’s stopping them . Their flesh squeaks loudly against the glass as they shuffle back and forth , their hands probing and their cheeks dragging across the glass . Karl can just barely hear them making a low groaning sound – very subtle – as if they’re in some kind of pain . It’s too dark to get much of a look at them , but Karl has a very bad feeling about this . He backs up a few steps and waves 40Deuce over . Karl (still backing up slowly) – Uh . . . . do those guys seem alright to you ? 40Deuce (smashing his face against the glass and peering out) – Two arms , two legs , one head – everything seems to be in order to me . Hey , wait a minute , wait a second (looking harder) I’m not sure , but I think one of those guys out there is wearing suspenders and a belt ! (turning and laughing) What a moron ! (looking again) Oh , and one guy has his entrails hanging out . There’s a woman missing half her face , a dude with no foot , and I can see that guy’s spine . They all look pretty fucked up in some fashion or another . (turning back to Karl again) Other than that they all seem normal enough . (chuckling) What kind of idiot wears suspenders AND a belt ? Its wholly unnecessary ! What will these poor fools think of next ? Glasses AND a monocle ? (quizzically) Why do you ask ? Karl is still backing up with a horrified look on his face as the glass shatters violently and the people stumble into the store – some of them falling face-first into the ground like inanimate objects , not even throwing out their arms or trying to catch themselves or anything . But they’re all moving sure enough , writhing and grasping and lurching into the store . They’re people – or at least they used to be – all of them with whitish-gray skin in various stages of decomposition . Their groaning gets louder and more urgent as they reach for 40Deuce with fetid , rotting hands tipped with blacken and cracked fingernails . 40Deuce (stumbling backwards into a rack of videos and knocking it down) – Sweet sassy molassy ! Karl is staring , shocked into paralysis , as one of the festering corpses on the ground reaches and grabs him by the leg . 40Deuce manages to beat it off with his big shoe and then he scrambles to his feet and runs for it – one of the hideous things grabs him by the white ruffle of his clown outfit , but it breaks off and 40Deuce gets away . 40Deuce (waving frantically at Karl as he runs) – Go , go , go ! Run for you life Karl , it’s the day of swine and roses ! (blowing past the still stunned Karl) Christian Werewolf Commie Vampires ! Karl finally comes to his senses as the ambulatory cadavers shuffle towards him with their arms outstretched and their disgusting maggot-filled mouths hungrily open . One almost touches him , but he shoves over a rack of new releases (See Jack and Jill on Blu-Ray !) that knocks the creature to the ground . Karl takes off after 40Deuce as the other horrible things crawl over their fallen comrade in their eagerness to get their hands on some warm living flesh . Karl and 40Deuce haul some major ass out the back door and into the night . Meanwhile , Fever has taken a seat on the edge of the famous Sueno Beach Founders Fountain – tiredly rubbing her calves . She’s been handing out menus for a Mexican restaurant all day and she’s beat . Being on your feet all day is bad enough , but the giant burrito custom is hot as hell . She shakes his head sadly and thinks back to to the good old days . She looks up at the sound of footfalls – someone in heels from the sound of it . A moment later DD comes sashaying out of the darkness wearing a stunning green cocktail dress and holding a matching handbag . Her hair is done up in some trendy elaborate cutting edge style and she looks like an actual honest-to-god fancy lady . Fever (adjusting her burrito outfit) – Well DD , long time no see , how’s the world treating you ? She starts to answer him , but then stumbles on her heels and pitches forward . Fever catches her and helps her to take a seat beside him . DD – Thanks . Stupid heels – what kind of fucking genius ever thought that would be a good idea ? Let’s make shoes that slant forward and put tiny little stilts on the back – only a man would think of something like that . It’s almost enough to make you want to drag some random guy into the street and shoot them in the face . Fever (looking her over) – They are sexy though . DD (slapping her sharply across the face) – Shut your mouth burrito-girl . Fever (rubbing her cheek) – So your day was that good huh ? DD (rolling her eyes) – Don’t even get me started . The bodyguarding business so far has sucked worse than the new Indiana Jones movie . Tonight I had to “guard” that spoiled little brat at his high school prom ! The only reason I was there was to impress all his stupid little friends . I swear to god that I’m going to break his fucking arm before this is all over . The only person there my age was some another brought as his date – and what the hell am I going to talk about with her ? Fever has a few ideas about that , but she wisely keeps them to herself . Fever – What kind of dumb-ass school has prom on Halloween anyway ? DD (scowling) – I don’t know , maybe it wasn’t prom , maybe it was homecoming or some other shit (throwing her hands up) how the hell am I supposed to know what it was ?! Quit asking stupid questions . Fever – My kindergarten teacher told me there are no stupid questions . DD – Yeah , well your kindergarten teacher was obviously retarded . If things don’t get better soon I’m going to quit and come hand out flyers with you – anything’s better than being some rich little snotty-nosed bastard’s dress-up doll . Just then the duo is made into a quartet as Sonic and Smartass come walking down the dark streets and into the light of the fountain . Smartass is wearing a Sueno Beach Easyriders cheerleader uniform and carrying pom-poms . Sonic is wearing the white outfit of a good humor man – or woman I suppose in this case . DD (a smile creeping onto her face) – On the other hand I suppose it could be worse . Smartass (sourly) – Shut up . (dropping down next to them) The damn game went into three overtimes – I thought it was never going to get over ! And what’s more someone broke into my locker and stole my clothes ! (shaking her head) I just thank god its Halloween and I don’t look completely stupid walking around like this . Sonic grins and says something in Canadian to DD , and they both laugh – casting looks in Smartass’s direction . Smartass (suspiciously) – What ? What did you say ? Are you talking about me ?! Fever – Hey Sonic , how’s the ice cream business these days ? Sonic (shrugging) – (untranslatable Canadian gibberish) you know how it goes . Its not the greatest (untranslatable Canadian gibberish) in the world , but for sure better than yours eh ? This is kind of like a little Senior Sizzle reunion we got going here , anyone know whatever happened to anyone else ? Fever (biting her lip as he thinks) – I think most of them fell off a cliff and died on impact , I think I saw a tweet to that effect sometime , and 40Deuce and Karl (frowning and pointing) are right there . Everyone looks where he’s pointing and they see 40Deuce and Karl come running around the corner like all the forces of hell are snapping at their heels – they’re booking like they’ve never booked before as if they’re lives depended on it . Karl definitely seems like he’s seen a ghost – his face white as a sheet and fearful . 40Deuce seems concerned somewhat , but he doesn’t seem panicked really – more like determined . 40Deuce is somewhat hampered by his one giant clown shoe , and so Karl gets there first – slamming into Sonic and knocking her down . Sonic (trying to shove him off) – (angry untranslatable Canadian gibberish) Karl (grabbing at her frantically) – No , no , no , you have to save me , you have to protect me ! You don’t understand , they came through the window and the glass , and they reached ! And the hands and the stink and entails hanging out ! OMIGOD , OMIGOD , OMIGOD , OMIGOD , OMIGOD ! We’re all going to die ! DD (yanking him too his feet and slapping him across the face) – What the Sam hell are you gibbering about ?! (smacking him again and shaking him) Get a hold of yourself ! Fever (frowning) – What was he talking about ? 40Deuce (skidding to a stop) – I’ll tell you what he was talking about Eli , he’s talking about the possible doom not only of Sueno Beach , not only of Florida , not only of the US , not only of the Pan-American Alliance , not only of the Hemispherian Twelve Kingdom Triumvirate of Northern . . . DD (whirling around and busting him in the chops) – Shut up you ! Fever (curiously) – Who’s Eli ? DD (grabbing 40Deuce and Karl both by the ear and shaking them) – Now one you start making sense or I’m going to start kicking some ass and I’m not going to stop until I’ve got stacks of bodies ten high ! (40Deuce and Karl both start yammering at once and DD angrily bonks their heads together) One at a time ! Smartass (tugging on DD’s sleeve as she stares wide-eyed at something) – Uh , DD , I think you . . . DD (shrugging her off angrily) – Not now ! I want to get to the bottom of whatever has these two jokers so freaked out . Fever (tapping DD on the shoulder as she gawks at something) – Really DD , I think maybe you better . . . DD (biting off her words savagely) – I said not now ! Sonic (gulping as she also gapes at something) – (untranslatable Canadian gibberish) . . . DD (letting go of 40Deuce and Karl and whirling around , stomping her foot) – What ?! What is it ?! What’s so FUCKING important that it can’t wait two seconds ?! All three of them point mutely to the street Karl and 40Deuce came running down – where at least thirty or forty shambling mounds of rotting human flesh are staggering down the street – emitting a hungry groaning sound and reaching out imploringly for sweet , sweet flesh . Karl (also pointing) – ZOM-BIES !!! DD (frowning) – Jared Griffon ? What’s he doing here ? I thought he died a long ago . 40Deuce (looking around) – Lord sweet pappy Johnson with an erection ! They’re all around us ! Indeed they are all around them , as zombies are relentlessly putting one foot in front of the other to move down every street towards the Founder’s Fountain and the town square . Sonic and Fever help Karl and 40Deuce to their feet , Smartass crowding close to them and all of them fearfully clumped together . DD hops up onto the fountain’s edge and takes a quick look around before hopping back down . DD (businesslike) – Alright , here’s the situation , we’ve got unholy creatures from beyond the grave closing in on us from all sides . We’ve got no transportation and no way to communicate with anyone . We have to assume that everyone else in town is already dead or has fled the area . Now what we have to do is . . . Karl – Hide ! We have to hide ! We have to get in one of these buildings and barricade ourselves in ! We just have to sit tight until morning and then . . DD (grabbing him by the collar and slapping him several times) – Are you crazy ?! Didn’t you see Night of the Living Dead ?! (slapping him again and letting go of him) What we have to do it make a run for it – don’t you remember ? The red-haired chick said they should run , everyone else wanted to hole up somewhere . They holed up somewhere and everyone died but her – and she made a run for it and lived . What’s the one thing we know about zombies ? Zombies are SLOW ! So logic dictates . . . Fever (halfway hiding behind Sonic) – Shouldn’t we get some sheets and boil some water ? 40Deuce (scoffing) – That’s for when someone has a heart attack , not zombies . (shaking his head) You are so stupid , I don’t know why Sonic ever picked you over me . Smartass (whacking them both on the top of the head) – You’re both morons ! That’s for when someone goes into labor ! Karl – Okay , so what then ? We just run out of town and then what ? We sleep out in the middle of nowhere ?! Great plan DD ! Here in town we can find somewhere safe , here we can find food and water and . . . DD (backhanding him) – We don’t have time to discuss this in committee ! (gesturing) The zombies are closing in right fucking now ! We’re running and that’s that – you can stay here and die if you want Karl , but I for one am getting the hell out of here . (shaking her head) Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit smoking . Sonic (looking around – zombies have them surrounded on all sides about twenty feet away) – And how exactly are we going to run at this point ? It looks to me like our chance to run has come and gone . DD (looking around) – of a bitch ! (smacking Karl and 40Deuce both for good measure) Look what you did ! Okay , now what we have to do is (she trips on her heels again and stumbles) MOTHER FUCKER ! With an angry growl she yanks off her shoes and hurls one of them away with a shriek of rage . The shoe flies through the air and the heel buries itself several inches deep in the eye socket of a zombie – an shortly thereafter the power of the throw rips its head off to send it cartwheeling through the air sending a putrid black mist of blood and other unmentionable fluids in all directions. The zombie body drops like a ton of bricks , and the other zombies nearby immediately jump on him and start feasting . DD is surprised for a second , but then she hikes up her dress and starts running . DD – Come on ! A corridor has opened up ! Move it ! Sonic immediately follows after her , most of the zombies on that street pre-occupied with eating their fallen brother . The other four stand for a second and then they book after them . DD leaps over the pile of zombies feasting , and is confronted by two more . She viciously swings her other shoe at one of them , the heel punching through its skull and sending it down . The other one grabs her and she starts pummeling it with kicks and punches , to no effect . A second later Sonic flies over the pile and slams into the zombie holding DD – knocking it sprawling . The rest catch up and they hurry away . DD – Well , we know that high heeled shoes will kill them , but we’re all out of those so we need to know what else works . I just found out that kicking and punching doesn’t seem to do much of any . . . She’s cut off with a yelp as her legs get tangled in her dress and she takes a bad tumble – Sonic tripping over her as well . 40Deuce and Smartass manage to avoid getting tangled up in the mess as Karl and Fever go down in the pile as well . 40Deuce and Smartass are immediately confronted by a pack of zombies coming around the corner – a few of them still munching on quivering limbs . They both scream in terror and back-pedal , Smartass throwing her pom-poms at them and 40Deuce letting loose with his seltzer bottle . Surprisingly their attacks have little effect . They’re done for it seems , but Fever comes charging to the rescue – bowling the zombies over like pins . He starts throwing them with mighty sinews and broad manly shoulders , which doesn’t seem to hurt them , but it does keep them off-balance . Karl (getting to his feet and dusting himself off , dryly) – Well now we know pom-poms and water don’t hurt them . Smartass (whacking him on the arm) – Shut up ! I was scared ! I-I panicked and . . . DD (slapping them both quickly) – Shut up the both of you . (oblivious to Fever throwing zombies left and right behind her) Now , does anyone have anything else we can use as a weapon ? Sonic (looking around) – I don’t think so . Karl (checking his pockets) – No . Smartass (snorting) – Don’t look at me , does it look like I could hide anything in this outfit ? 40Deuce (proudly) – Well it looks like once again 40Deuce is the only one who’s ready for action . (hitching up his oversized clown pants) Looks like 40Deuce is going to have to save the day again . (wagging his finger) Always be prepared , that’s my motto . The boy scouts stole it from me back in ’58 – those little rat bastards . It’s actually an interesting story , you see . . . DD (slapping him hard and holding out her hand) – Shut up and just give me the weapon ! Give it to me ! 40Deuce (winking outrageously) – Oh , I’ll (he’s cut off my a sharp slap from DD) Karl (grabbing her shoulder) – Wait a minute , why do you get the weapon ? DD (turning and kicking him in the balls) – Because I said so ! That’s why ! Smartass (as Karl hits the dirt grabbing at his groin) – Uh , shouldn’t someone be helping Fever ? (pointing to where she tussles with a six-pack of the living dead) He looks like she’s getting a little tired . Sonic (pointing back the other way) – Yeah , and we have a lot of zombie’s coming up from that way too . DD (holding her hand out insistently) – Right , so give me the weapon and let’s go ! 40Deuce (carefully placing a balloon made into the shape of a sword into her hands) – Here you are . (beaming) I made it myself . DD’s face turns about six different shades of red and her nails dig into the balloon – popping it and making everyone jump . She angrily slaps 40Deuce across the face and then yanks Karl up by the collar . DD (hiking up her dress and running again) – Come on you idiots ! 40Deuce and Sonic help Karl and they all run after her – except for Fever who’s still throwing zombies around like rag dolls . DD waves the others to go on ahead and she turns to Fever impatiently . DD – Fever , stop fooling around and come on ! We have to go ! Fever (exuberantly chucking a zombie into the wall for the sixth of seventh time) – No way , these guys are push-overs ! (laughing) I can’t remember the last time I’ve had so much fun ! These guys are slow and they have no balance at all DD , I can play with them all night ! DD (stomping her bare foot) – God damn it this isn’t a fucking game ! Now get over here , we have to go ! Fever turns to say something to her and a zombie on the ground chomps into her calf like a fat biting into a York Peppermint Patty . Fever’s eyes bug out and she screams at the top of her lungs . The zombie grabs on and she falls down – the rest moving in . DD quickly runs over and kicks the one zombie off , grabbing Fever and getting her up . They take off , one zombie catching a fistful of DD’s hair . She pulls away though , leaving him with just a handful of strands . Fever hobbles along , leaning on her heavily – and at this speed they aren’t much faster than the zombies . Fever (gasping in pain , melodramatically) – I’m done for DD , I can’t go on . Leave me , I’ll never make it anyway , save yourself . DD (dropping him like a bad habit and running off) – Okay . Fever (outraged) – Hey ! You’re supposed to tell me that you’d never leave me behind , that I was going to make it no matter what ! You were supposed to . . . She howls as a zombie grabs at her , and she scrambles forward – crawling , hopping , and staggering after DD . She keeps yelling at her for leaving him behind and eventually she stops and waits for her – slapping her across the face and then helping her to catch up with the others . A few minutes later they’re all together on Main street – where cars sit everywhere with the doors open and half-devoured bloodies lying be and inside them . There’s blood , bile , guts , bullets and octane everywhere . They’re hunkered down behind a mini-van in front of a movie theater – the front lobby filled with more gnawed on bodies . There don’t seem to be any zombies in this area for now , but you can hear them not too far away . DD (keeping a sharp eye out) – Okay , here’s the plan – we need weapons , and lots of them . So what we’re going to do . . . Smartass (wiping at Fever’s gnarled leg with Karl’s shirt) – Weapons ? We need to get to Fever to the hospital . Her leg is bleeding badly and I don’t think I can stop it . We need to fix her up and then . . . DD (scornfully) – Are you stupid woman ? What do they have at hospitals ? Morgues . And what do they have at morgues ? Dead bodies . And what are zombies ? (snorting) I rest my case . The hospital is probably zombie central . Karl – Besides , all the doctors are probably dead anyway . Sonic – No , I think it’s a good idea – no matter what the risk is . Not just for (untranslatable Canadian gibberish), but for all of us . Even if there’s no doctor’s there there’s going to be medical stuff – bandages and painkillers and whatever . And I think we’re going to need it before the night is out one way or the other . I know I could use some prescription strength shit right now . 40Deuce (rummaging around in a blood-spattered sedan) – I say we leave Fever to die , its her fault all these zombies are here anyway . Fever (freaking out) – WHAT ?! 40Deuce (nodding) – Oh yeah , that’s what happens buddy – you mess with 40Deuce and the whole world goes to hell . Think about that next time you try to steal someone’s woman . First Sonic and then Smartass and then . . . DD (smacking him in the mouth) – Shut up . Fine , we’ll go the hospital , but first we need to get some weapons . We’ll split up so it doesn’t take so long . I’ll head to the police station , Karl , you head to the army surplus store , Sonic you go to the hardware store , 40Deuce you’re going to head for the sporting goods place . Smartass you stay here with Fever and watch over her . Look for things that are easy to carry and don’t . . . Karl (waving his hands) – Whoa , whoa , whoa , whoa , whoa here lady (amazed) split up ? (laughing incredulously) Split up ? (laughing some more) Are you insane ? (throwing his hands up in the air) Splitting up is probably the worst thing we could possibly do ! If we split up they’ll pick us off one by one – we need to stay together ! Above everything else we need to stay together , safety in numbers . Smartass – Yeah , what give you the right to boss everyone around ? Who died and made you pope ? DD (aggressively) – I’m the only one here who’s fit to lead . I’m the only one here with the guts and determination to get us out of here . (Sonic nods) Who do you want to put in charge ? (gesturing at 40Deuce) This crazy fucking whacko ? (gesturing at Fever) Peg-leg here ? (sneering) Karl ? (getting in Smartass’s face) Or what about you little girl ? You want to lead us out of here ? You think you can keep us alive ? Smartass (backing down and pointing at Sonic) – What about Sonic ? DD – What about her ? Karl – Yeah , what do you think Sonic ? Sonic (shifting uncomfortably as all eyes turn to her) – I think we should stay together and head for the hospital – if any of those places are on the way we can stop and see what we can find . But I think weapons aren’t as important as staying on the move – we should get out of here right now . Fever (as Smartass helps him up) – Great , let’s go . 40Deuce (triumphantly) – Ah-ah ! Look what I found in the back of this car . He proudly holds up a tire iron , and just then zombies come bursting out of the shadows at them . The smell of human flesh fills their brains and they hungrily surge forward as fast as they can . 40Deuce swings the tire iron and hits one of the zombies in the head – his skull bursting like an over-ripe melon and spraying him with some kind of thick , blackish liquid . 40Deuce (standing there with a look of dismay) – Gross ! DD (helping Smartass half-carry Fever away as Sonic and Karl shove the lead zombie back into the others) – Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit drinking . In their mad dash to escape they scramble over cars , slip in bloody pools , dodge half-eaten corpses like they’re running through tires at football practice , and struggle to stay together and invariably when they come to a crossway they all start to head different directions . It turns out their argument was for nothing because they can’t just head wherever they want – they have to go where the zombies aren’t . They end up in a veterinarian clinic , where Smartass and Sonic are doing what they can for Fever’s leg with DD looking on . 40Deuce and Karl are outside keeping watch . Fever (gritting her teeth) – Oh sweet conundrum ! It burns like the fires of Hades ! Sonic (callously as she sews her up) – Don’t be such a baby . Smartass (apologetically as she holds Fever’s hand) – Sorry , but I don’t know anything about animal tranquilizers – I didn’t want to give you too much . DD (arms crossed) – So what’s the prognosis ? (Sonic gives her a thumbs up) Good , you finish up here , I’m going to go outside and have a look around . DD strides outside , where 40Deuce is playing with a chewed off head – his hand through the neck and using it like a hand puppet , making the mouth move and talking to Karl – who looks sicken by the display . DD (slapping the head out of 40Deuce’s hands and sending it rolling down the sidewalk with a kick) – Stop fooling around . (waving) Come on , we’re going to go check this street out and see what’s what . 40Deuce (mumbling to himself) – That’s a semantically null sentence . Karl (as he and 40Deuce follow her) – Shouldn’t someone stay here to guard the door ? DD (scoffing) – If a zombie gets inside they’ll notice it themselves – they don’t need you to tell them about it . They carefully creep around to the nearby buildings – trying to stay hidden but not sure that it makes any difference . I mean do the zombies smell them or sense them somehow or what ? But keeping a low profile can’t hurt anyway . They don’t find anything useful right away , aside from a couple of flashlights at Radioshack , but the lawn and garden store has some goodies . 40Deuce and Karl are standing in an aisle arguing nevertheless . Karl (throwing a shovel down) – I told you 40Deuce , get hoes , not shovels ! 40Deuce (putting his hands on his hips) – Karl , I hardly think this is the time for that kind of thing . I admire your manliness for being able to keep up your carnal appetite at a time like this , but it’s not really helpful . Besides , I’m sure all the prostitutes got killed already and . . . Karl (incensed) – NOT HOOKERS !! Hoes ! (grabbing one up) Like this ! You know the kind you use in the garden . (taking a swing with it) See , its more effective as a weapon than . . . He gets to prove it immediately as zombies come busting in the big front window , scaring the holy beejeeses out of the both of them . Karl attacks with his hoe , but it gets stuck in a zombie’s chest – which doesn’t seem to bother it at all . 40Deuce knocks him down with a shovel and then whacks off his head – which puts an end to his flesh-eating days . But there’s a whole heapin’ helpin’ of visceral pain coming in zombie form so they run for it . 40Deuce (as they pass DD on their way out) – Incoming ! DD turns to follow them , but her eyes spot something and she gets a gleeful grin on her face . It’s one of them glass cases with a fire axe inside that says “Break in Case of Emergency .” DD (chuckling) – Jackpot . (smashing the glass with a back elbow) Although I doubt this is the kind of emergency they had in mind . (taking out the axe and turning to the shambling horde coming up behind her) Who wants to play ? 40Deuce and Karl are out in the street ten yards or so away from the lawn and garden store , and once again they’re arguing . They’re also wrestling over the shovel that 40Deuce brought with him . Karl (yanking on the shovel) – No ! You are not going to lose our only weapon 40Deuce ! DD’s dead ! Forget about her ! She’d be out by now if she was going to come out ! 40Deuce (yanking back) – We can’t leave her behind ! It’s not right , just let me go back in there and see if she’s still alive ! Karl (shaking his head) – Go back in there if you want , but you’re not going to get this shovel ! It’s all we have 40Deuce , we can’t risk it on the hopeless notion that DD might be alive in there still . Face it man , she’s zombie-food ! 40Deuce – You are such a coward ! You never think about anyone but yourself ! You . . . Just then Karl lets go of the shovel and 40Deuce falls to the ground – whacking himself in the face with the shovel and stunning himself . Karl stares at DD , walking up to them with an axe over her shoulder – covered from head to toe with gore and whistling . DD (breaking into song) – I’m singing in the rain , just singing in the rain ! What a glorious feeling (stopping as she steps over 40Deuce) come on , we better get back to Sonic and the others . Karl and 40Deuce stare at her as she calmly walks away , whistling cheerfully to herself . Meanwhile , back at the vet clinic , Fever is up and walking around aided by a makeshift crutch that in its former life was some kind of IV rack for a golden retriever . Smartass (concerned) – How’s that feel ? Fever (puttering around at a pretty good pace) – Yeah , I sort of like this . I could get used to this – it’s like having three legs . No one could beat me in Indian wrestling if I was like this all the time ! Not only that , but I bet it will triple my walking speed ! No wait , two legs into three legs makes that not triple (frowning) uh , carry the four , six divided by the speed times mass . Uh , do either of you remember the quadratic equation ? Sonic (gesturing) – There’s your answer . So tell me , does this happen a lot in America because I don’t remember anyone saying anything to me about zombies here . Is it seasonal or something ? Do they only come out at a certain time of the year ? Why doesn’t the government . . . She breaks off with a scream as a zombie lurches through the window and clamps onto her shoulder with his broken teeth – grabbing her in a deadly embrace . Sonic falls to the ground , the zombie ontop of her biting and clawing – blood spraying everywhere . Fever goes to help her , but more zombies are trying to come in the window and she has to stop them – holding a big metal tray in front of it and beating them back . Smartass screams and backs into a corner as Sonic tries vainly to fight the creature off . Fever (leaning up against the metal tray and barely keeping the tide back) – For the love of god Smartass , help her ! Smartass can’t move , she just looks on in horror as Sonic’s struggles prove fruitless with the horrible undead thing on her back and pinning her down . Smartass is paralyzed as she actually sees the zombie swallow pieces of Sonic’s arm and shoulder . Sonic is hysterically shouting and Canadian and Fever looks agonized – she can’t move from her spot or more zombies will come pouring in . Finally Smartass springs into action , grabbing a handful of syringes and jamming them into the zombies back – which has about as much impact as a spitball . Smartass frantically looks around the room , finally spying a fire extinguisher . She desperately grabs it down and smashes the zombie on the head again and again in a mindless frenzy . By the time she realizes what she’s doing the zombie’s head is nothing more than a sickening pile of mush and Sonic is covered with disgusting ichor . Smartass stumbles backwards and numbly drops the fire extinguisher to the floor – staring at her bloody hands . Sonic (laboriously rolling the dead body off of her with a loud thump) – If that happens again , take your time Smartass , there’s no hurry – its only my fucking life at stake ! (groaning as she gets up) Stupid (untranslatable Canadian gibberish). She lends her weight to the metal tray Fever’s leaning against and uses her good arm to start wrapping up the other one . She’s just about to ask what they’re going to do when the zombies figure out they can come in from the front when DD , Karl , and 40Deuce return – armed with an ax and a shovel . Fever (making a face) – Ewww DD , you look awful . DD – Shut up , Karl go help them . (he goes and helps hold the zombies back) Okay , our plan has changed now – we’re just going to have to wander around and go wherever the zombies let us go . There’s way the hell too many of them to try and get anywhere specific . If we see any place that might have anything useful along the way we’ll stop and pick it up . Okay ? Okay . Let’s blow this pop stand . DD and Smartass lead the way , with Sonic and Fever bringing up the middle . 40Deuce and Karl hold the tray until the last second and then run after their companions – the zombies pouring in after them . Out in the street they’re confronted by more zombies coming on at several different vectors . They beat feet the only way they can go and after they put some distance between themselves and the ravenous horde behind them they stop to catch their breath . Karl (pointing) – Look , we can cut through the petting zoo there . DD (shaking her head) – No , I say we head for the aquarium . 40Deuce (fearfully) – We definitely don’t want to head for the petting zoo , no-no , not the petting zoo , anything but the petting zoo . (grabbing at Karl) Don’t make me go to the petting zoo ! NO ! I’ll never go ! I’ll kill myself first ! (he starts wailing and banging his head against the ground) Karl (grabbing his head to keep him from hurting himself) – What’s so terrible about the petting zoo ? 40Deuce (in a hoarse , terrified voice) – Zombie goats ! (he shudders) DD – The aquarium is the best place for us to be anyway . Sonic – Why’s that ? DD – Because zombies hate water , they probably won’t go in there . Everyone stares at her for a minute . Smartass – They do ? DD (heading for the aquarium) – Of course , that’s common knowledge people . Tomorrow – Episode Two “The Dark Waters of Death !”
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One down , thirty to go	Posted:Mar 30, 2012 9:41 pm Last Updated:Apr 1, 2012 10:29 am 91987 Views
(Editors note , due to recent budget cuts we are no longer able to use all the vowels . We are sincerely sorry for any inconvenience this might cause . If you would like to make a please contact the home office . Thanks for reading) After a sterling on time delivery record which I am quite proud of I haven't posted for the past few days - and its not because I have something better to do . I made a New Years resolution not to complain so much and that's all I've felt like doing lately . For the record my Chinese New Year resolution was to adopt better posture , stand up straighter and suck in my gut . Pull back my shoulders and tighten my butt . Speaking of which , you know what's fun ? Adjust all holiday's to the Chinese New Year and then get mad at people for forgetting your Chinese birthday or Chinese Valentine's Day or your Chinese anniversary . Trust me its good for a laugh . Plus I did badger an ex into getting a Chinese Valentine's Day present once . I have successfully shed one watcher , but that still leaves me with 30 more to drive away before I can leave with a clear conscience . I stopped talking about my blog implosion plan to coincide with my gold membership expiration because it seemed to upset people . Also it seemed like attention seeking behavior - "hey I'm leaving everyone , beg me to stay !" even though it wasn't . A lot of people post "I'm leaving" blogs and its usually pretty gay . And not in the good having sex with another dude way . But I realized now , that I was going about it all wrong . I was talking about numbers and dates and deadlines and being too clinical . I forget about the emotional needs of you , the home viewer . That is kind of my move by the way . Sorry about that . I am going to change my tune right now . I'm going to treat this like what is is - a break up . Hey Watcher , its great to see you , but you know , we really need to talk . We've been together for a little while now you know and its been great . I mean that , I have really valued our time together . But I'm just going to be honest here - we don't have a future together . I don't want to hurt you , but I don't want to lead you on either . Don't get me wrong baby , we're great together , but we're just in different places that's all . Its no one's fault , its just one of those things you know ? Relationships a never easy right ? Its not you , its me . Well , you know , now that I think about it , it IS you a little bit . But mostly me . I mean you could be a little more , what's the word I'm looking for ? Less bitchy ? No , not something like that . Just sometimes you're a little bitchy . I'm not saying you're a bitch . I'm not calling you a bitch . I'm just saying you act like a bitch sometimes . A lot of the time maybe . Alls I'm saying is that you're too bitchy for me - which isn't to say you're not a perfectly acceptable level of bitch for someone else . Its my problem really . I can't tolerate how much of a bitch you are sometimes . Also , I've been meaning to say something about your face . Its not . . . . ah , what do I want to say here ? Its not good . That didn't come out right . All I'm saying is it's hard to look you in the face when we are talking so it helps to have a mirror in the room . I know some guys don't care about faces , but I like a face that doesn't make me want to throw up in my own ass . And yes , I would have to break my spine to make that work and I would still do it . Nothing personal . And its not like there's nothing you could do about - a couple procedures and you'd be presentable . Don't think I'm not saying you wouldn't be okay after some surgery . That's not what I want you to take away from this . We had some good times but its over now honey . I hate to say it but its out there now . I feel better . I have been dreading this for a while now . I've not been really looking forward to the performance but there's my cue and there's a question on your face . Fortunately I have come across an answer which is go away and do not leave a trace . Just remember that its not me , its you - mostly your face . I think we can all agree that's much better right ? But I have come up with another solution . A dude who's a standard member is as useless as the male nipple and I want no part of it . But consider this - you guys could do the work for me . You're all hanging around here blogging and whatnot anyway - why not find a nice girl for 40Deuce and convince them to meet me ? You can do a way better job than I ever could anyway . And for every lady you send my way I will repay you with 7 blog posts . That is a bargain if I've ever heard one . And if that lady and I hit if off and become "and item" of some kind I will blog daily until she gets tired of me and kicks me to the curb . That is a solid plan no ? Alright now , the complaining - this is your chance to stop reading . I haven't blogged much because I have experienced an emotion - which is shocking and frightened for any man . I'm told the emotion I've been feeling is called "sadness" or maybe anxiety . Its hard to pinpoint , I'm new to all this "feelings" stuff . My old boss left about 8 months ago and things haven't been great with her replacement . I've never been a person who liked going into work but it never really bothered me either . But lately things have been going steadily downhill - and this week things have drastically taken a downturn . As I'm sure you've all read , I was recently witness to some boorish behavior on his part towards a female employee and it was really bothering me . His boss is the biggest perv in the office and his boss hates me because I encourage people to give money directly to charity instead of giving to the United Way which she is a big supporter of . So there was really nothing much I could do about it . As I saw it my options in regards to the oily tits paradox were ; 1. Wait in the parking lot and bash his skull in with a piece of rebar 2. Seppuku 3. Not care/nihilism Since I couldn't find any rebar and my Mayan New Years resolution was to only commit ritual BANNED TOPIC once a month I tried #3 . At first everything was cool . Nihilism is a pretty good way to go in the short term , but I just couldn't stick with it . Long story short (too late) I told him I didn't care for that incident and if he did something like that again I wouldn't hesitate to contact HR . It seemed like he took it pretty well . That wasn't the case . The very next day he started blaming me for everything that had ever gone wrong since the beginning of time . I'm pretty sure he told the bigwigs I was responsible for the Hindenburg . It got so bad people started defending me who hate my guts - I guess at least they respect my work . Anyway , the point is things are bad at work and there's no reason to think they're ever going to get better unless pervo realizes he doesn't really do anything and gets rid of him . Which there is a small chance of happening since the chick who did his job for him left recently . I just want to be independently wealthy and not have to work - is that so much to ask ? I really need to start looking for a new job , but I don't even really know how to do that . I look at job postings all the time and I don't even understand what the job is . Unless you know someone on the inside I don't understand how you even know what a position really entails . Plus while I am great at my job - here's my job history ; Owned small business Temp Job I have now Since I'm not going to be getting a good recommendation from the job I have now I basically have nothing . And I'm terrible at interviews which just makes things all the more sweet . I guess what I'm saying is while you're lining up women for me find me a job too . I don't ask for much do I ?
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