Revenge is a dish best served , eh , forget the whole thing
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Posted:May 9, 2012 7:31 pm
Last Updated:May 10, 2012 3:57 pm
131862 Views
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First off I offer to you perhaps the worst marketing ever . I received the following electronic mail .
To: 40Deuce
From: Pornography
Subject: Watch super-hot MILF action for Mother's Day!
No . Just no . Universe ruined .
Now here's a story from my person life . I was playing tennis with lady I met on NAME OF DATING SITE REMOVED , I'll call her Tennis Lady (imagination !) and a couple of young punks were playing on the court next to us . During a change over one of the punks says to me "Did you run int the Race for the Cure ?" I was wearing one of my Race for the Cure shirts you see . My immediate instinct was to bash his face in with my racket because I assume it was a set-up for some sort of "clever" remark , most likely followed up with me being stabbed in the belly - teens are all violent murderers you know .
But I didn't because I never follow my gut (which is why I'm not serving life in prison) instead I said , expansively "yes" . He mumbled "cool" or something and what was it . So I didn't get stabbed this time , but how long can my luck hold out ? In other news the first time we played I beat her easily , this time it was a brutal 3 hour war of attrition . If we were dating I'd say she let me win the first time because girls are often dumb like that . Instead I have no explanation .
But getting to the revenge thing . Today one of my coworker was ranting on about all the ways I should "get back at my boss" . I've never understood why people get into that kind of nonsense . First of all its way too much work . Secondly who cares ? Sure , I could bash my bosses head in with a shovel , but what good would it do ? He'd be dead sure , but it wouldn't make him a better person . Revenge is a hollow pursuit . I'm happy to reap the benefits when a woman "gets revenge" on a cheating boyfriend by slutting it up old school but honestly its just dumb . I think at the end of every action movie after the hero has triumphantly slaughtered the people who murdered his wife I should come out and say
"Yeah but your wife is still dead right ?"
And then they shoot themselves in the head . That's something everyone can enjoy . I'm waiting Hollywood .
One of the dudes who used to come into my ship all the time used to tell a story about revenge that's assuredly BS but is stupid either way . This fellow went to Vegas you see and won hundreds of millions of dollars at the casino , but the casino didn't pay him , instead they had the mob rough him up . So then he invented some part of car engines , sold it for hundreds of millions of dollars and then used that money to buy the casino and had it torn down . Ha , take that casino ! And then of course he hung around a comic book shop in Urbandale , Iowa .
In other other news superbj blogged about hot tub sex - which I've heard is dangerous for some reason , but I can't remember why . Possibly just because hot tub water is often not very sanitary . They need a sex version of Mythbusters for this kind of stuff .
Also that chick on Mythbusters is pretty hot .
Also I have a spot in my back room for a hot tub but one was never installed . I should get one some day .
Blog complete
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Poop chute riot
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Posted:May 8, 2012 6:54 pm
Last Updated:May 10, 2012 3:57 pm
131995 Views
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That title has nothing to do with anything , I just like the sound of it .
First the bad news . I got angry enough today to tell the truth in a meeting today so I assume I'll be terminated soon . As any number of my ex girlfriends will be happy to tell you I'm a soulless robot monster without emotions . This is not 100% true but I do have two older sisters and I went to public school so I am 93% dead inside . However that last 7% was engaged by the following . I got my quarterly review today and of course my boss gave me the lowest score possible for everything . During the mandatory discussion of said review I mentioned to him that it might make more sense for him to sabotage me gradually since I've had top scores every quarter for 4 years . Bump it down to average and then needs improvement and then hit me with the complete and utter failure . Its a more natural progression . I mean of I'm going to be fucked over I want it done right .
He proceeded to give me "the business" did you know that I've never done anything right the entire time I've been there ? Not once . The question we need to figure out is how did someone like me even get hired on there ? And rise to my lofty position ? Obviously the whole system is out of order if you can do everything wrong all the time and somehow advance . Probably Obama is at fault .
Anyway , right after that I had another meeting with some management folks and I didn't have enough time to stage down so I told them how shitty the department has become since they took over . So my dream of becoming a hobo probably isn't far off . Don't worry , I can still go to the library and blog . The hard part will be finding a place warm enough not to die in the winter , but that isn't populated with violent teens who will set me on fire and put it on tubeface .
But getting back to the 7% , I was reading an article the other day about gender stereotypes and allegedly crying used to be a sign of manliness .
Pop quiz - What's the difference between Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck ? When they were both stuck with the task of stopping a meteor from destroying the Earth , one of them cried , and the other saved the world.
A man crying in a movie can only mean two things ; Either that man has lost his grip , or he's more of a soft , sensitive, romantic type than an action hero . That's why Leonardo DiCaprio has shed some choice tears in nearly every movie he's ever been in , while we're pretty sure Liam Neeson in Taken doesn't even have tear ducts . It's natural we see crying men as weak and lame - pussified , if you will .
Crying men don't get to throat-punch on camera .
But at One Time ...
When the epics of ancient Greece were first transcribed to paper, you can bet it was paper stained with the tears of their sobbing protagonists . Odysseus (the guy who killed a Cyclops and frickin won the Trojan War) would break down into tears periodically , at least once just because he listened to an emotional song . That's because in ancient Greek cultur, "men were expected to cry if their family's honor was at stake". One of the greatest signs of true manliness was to shed tears .
"I weep , for now I must strangle a beautiful creature with my bare hands"
Yeah but that's Greece right? They were all kinds of androgynous Nope. This idea was spread through most cultures , and continued through the Middle Ages and up to the Romantic Movement . Japanese samurai , medieval heroes and even Beowulf himself cried like babies throughout their adventures . As recently as the 19th century , male tears were actually celebrated as a sign of honesty , integrity and strength . And not in the "you're brave enough to show your weakness" way , but just as a symbol that you actually gave a crap . And it probably also meant you were confident that no one would mock you , since you had just won a battle or torn the limbs off of a monster with your bare hands .
Anyway , onto the good news ;
I got like a 1oo e-mails ! A bunch of women want to be my fuckbuddy ! A bunch just finished stripper classes and need to practice . Like 2 dozen of them just broke up with their boyfriend 15 minutes ago ! Can you imagine ? A lot of them just want to have "fun" but I get the impression that maybe their idea of "fun" is sexual in nature . If you know what mean . I'm going to be one very busy hobo .
If you know what I mean
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Silence your trousers madam
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Posted:May 7, 2012 6:20 pm
Last Updated:May 8, 2012 6:56 pm
130789 Views
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It was 73 degrees here today , why on earth would anyone be wearing corduroy pants ? For that matter why would a woman ever were pants at all . I've said it before and I'll say it again , I hate pants . If I were a lady or a crossdresser (or a dresscrosser) I would never wear pants . Never . Not one time .
We've been casual dress (ie cleavage and exposed tattoos) the past few weeks as "reward" for "good work" which honestly is the only thing I care about at work right now . But we got a new big boss today (not my boss who I have problems with , or his boss which I have problems with , or his boss who I have problems with - but her boss ; spoiler alert I've worked with this guy before and we don't get along either . Honestly before my office was reorganized I got along with management fine) so a lot of people were in suits and ties and non-slutty apparel . I was not one of them . My boss came to harass me about it and I said this thing ;
"You're always saying I should dress for the job I want , and I want to be a hobo ."
Which is not true , I want to be a luchadore but I'm not bold enough to dress that like . Anyway , he acted all offended and pretended I said homo - I assume he filed a complaint with HR as part of his campaign to drive away his one remaining competent employee . Joke's on him though because I'm applying for jobs all over the place but I'll never escape because I have terrible interview skills .
My arms are destroyed from playing tennis with a lady I met on DATING SITE NAME REMOVE so I can't type no more . Except to say we're not dating , I just went on DATING SITE NAME REMOVED to find a tennis partner . Also Limerick Day is a week from today - here's a bonus limerick to get things started .
A handsome young cyborg named Ace
wooed women at every base
but once lady's glanced at
his special enhancement
they vanished with nary a trace
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Yeah , well I had my own blogger bash with hookers , and blackjack
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Posted:May 6, 2012 7:10 am
Last Updated:May 6, 2012 11:43 am
131439 Views
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Also I was the only one there , but otherwise exactly the same .
It was pointed out to me the other day that my life is worthless and stupid and I should kill myself to stop using up valuable resources that more interesting humans could be using . I'd swear if I didn't know any better that this person was trying to hurt my feelings . Now , I would never kill myself because I love life and its pleasures as much as anyone , also one time I had a dream where Jesus and I thwarted a terrorist attack and then when we were in the hospital recovering from our injuries Jesus made me promise to never kill myself . And I keep my promises , especially to Jesus .
Now the fact that Jesus (even in a dream) felt like he needed to extract such a promise some me is kind of insulting , but I appreciate the sentiment . But anyway , it kind of made me think maybe I should get out a little more . So last night instead of festering on the couch watching Big Bang Theory re-runs I went on down to the local gambling parlor . I like gambling , but going to the casino is always a little depressing - most people there are just having fun and throwing their money away , but some people you can tell are throwing everything away . But human misery is no reason not to have a good time right ?
I haven't been to a casino without a lady friend at my side in a long time . In a way it was kind of sad , but in a much more real way it was the greatest thing ever . Since I was by myself I had to spend ;
0.00 Minutes watching my lady play slots
0.00 Minutes looking for a place for my lady to play slots where no one was smoking (ie nowhere ever in the world)
0.00 Minutes getting my lady something to drink
0.00 Minutes explaining the rules of craps
0.00 Minutes waiting patiently to get my ass kicked while my lady mouths off to some biker
Well , you get the idea . So I walked out of there a massive $77 dollars richer . Now , I have never seriously entertained the notion of frequenting a , but I have a friend who works vice and he always tells me where the good hookers are . Which again , its slightly insulting that he feels I need this information , but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he tells everyone .
"How was work today honey ?"
"Great , I found out where all the good hookers moved to ."
Anyway , I was driving through the good zone and I had cash money in my pocket . For half a second I considered it . Normally going without sex is not a big deal for me , but lately I've been thinking about it a lot . Which if you believe in "science" a dude thinking about sex isn't a big deal , but truly its an anomaly for me . I think the high probability that I will never have sex again is kind of getting to me . But I would never break the law (unless there was a lot of money involved) and I can't get over the fact that paying for sex is just weak . Is that really substantively different that paying yourself to jack off ? I don't see how .
I stopped by a Cinco De Mayo celebration for a little while and I hit the jackpot . They were selling lucha libre masks 2 for $40 !
Score . My collection is up to 8 now is I guess if you ever want to rob a bank I can hook you up .
After that I just went back to rotting on the couch and watched McGruber . I think I laughed once . Movies suck , why do I keep trying ? In my youth all my friends worked at movie theaters so for about six years I pretty much saw every movie that came out . And I mean every movie . I saw Moll Flanders for god's sake . I was 17 years old and I was watching Moll Flanders . Anyway , I think I used up all my movie tolerance . Cabin in the Woods was decent . That's about it for the last year or so .
In conclusion people seem to insult me a lot when they're trying to help . Also seems like people are having a pretty good time at the other blogger bash . Most movies suck . Moll Flanders .
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If orange was a color it would be the one your name
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Posted:May 5, 2012 8:52 am
Last Updated:May 6, 2012 6:43 am
130908 Views
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Someone said that to me last night . Because all my friends decided to get bombed out of their minds . I believe someone's exact words were "I want to have fun , before the were born fun" which I'm pretty sure is a quote from the Simpsons . I don't spend a lot of time around drunk people so if someone can decipher that for me I'd like to know what she was really trying to say . Before I managed to exfiltrate my way the hell out of there one of my friend's wives decided she needed to talk to me about my dick and how five inches is the average size and I shouldn't talk so bad about by dick , etc. Since in real life I spend 0.00% percent of my time talking about my dick this raises some disturbing issues . Such as , the only logical conclusion is that someone I know has read my blog . Which is messed up enough off the bat , I mean I'm perfectly willing to discuss the intimate details of my life with strangers - but people I KNOW ? Weak .
But lets go a little further down the rabbit hole - if someone has read my blog that means they're on Senior Sizzle . And since all my friends are married this means either someone is looking for a little action on the side or they're on here as a couple looking to swing or for a three way or something . Debauchery is only fun when we're talking about strangers . Things just got real in a highly disgusting way . Married people shouldn't even be having sex if you ask me . Oh , you're not ? Well , regardless .
Anyway , getting back to my dick , don't get me wrong . I love my dick , my dick and I are like this ;
But this is America and around these parts average is not good enough . We must all strive to greatness in all things so we can crow about our accomplishments (especially the imagined ones) until everyone hates us . That's the American way . Plus as far as I can tell the average penis length on Senior Sizzle is at least 13 inches . And that's the average ! Think about what the means . Speaking of which , another drunk commentary from last night featured a recitation of a sexual encountered with a guy who's penis was "six inches wide" . First of all you know what I want to talk about less with my friend's wives than my penis ? Some other dude's penis .
And secondly , I call bullshit on that given the fact that she's STILL ALIVE .
But , getting back to my penis , I've decided if I hit the 3 year mark without having sex (July 27th , mark your calenders and send me card !) I'm going to donate my penis to someone who got their junk shot off in the service . Its the least I can do really - someone should be getting some use out of it right ?
You're doing everything wrong - everything (finale)
Long periods of sitting increase your risk of diabetes , heart disease and even frickin' cancer , no matter how much you work out when you're not sitting . For some bizarre reason , sitting down for long periods of time means that you'll probably die earlier . This is all because of the invention of chairs .
The straight-backed chairs we're familiar with today have been around for thousands of years , but until recently , they were almost exclusively for really important people . We've still got words like "chairman" and "university chair" that show the connection between a thronelike chair and leadership . As recently as the 19th century , the default mode for the average person was a backless stool or a bench , or just plain old kneeling.
And you guessed it -our bodies aren't designed for the right-angled back support presented by the average chair . When we're standing up , or even sitting on something backless , our abdominal muscles are active , helping our spines support our weight . When you're sitting on a chair , these muscles relax , and suddenly your spine alone has to take the entire weight of your upper torso , like a twig holding up a bowling ball . The extra stress puts pressure on your spinal disks and can eventually lead to chronic back pain , something that's experienced by 80 percent of Americans .
Some experts on sitting recommend "active sitting" (which sounds about as relaxing as sleepercising) using an exercise ball , kneeling stool or something else without a high back . There are also standing desks . But if you don't want to look like a cubicle worker whose office manager reads too many furniture design magazines , there's another option: A study used an MRI to measure the spinal disk movement of three groups of people: one sitting, one slouching and one lying back at a 135-degree angle with their feet on the floor . The last group showed the least disk movement . By the way , this reclining position was common during the Roman Empire , including in Jesus' time . So try it at work , and tell your boss you're avoiding future sick days and deepening your religious experience .
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Call the boner police !
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Posted:May 2, 2012 4:50 pm
Last Updated:May 4, 2012 3:58 pm
131708 Views
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Who likes anal sex ? Raise your hands .
Criminals ! Ha , you fell right into my trap - your arrest is imminent . Not really , but the sweet sweet butt sex which we so love (sort of) was illegal in most states in the US until 2003 when the god damn Supreme Court decided that anti-butt sexing laws were unconstitutional . You feel me ? The mother fucking CONSTITUTION says you can go knocking on the back door all you want . Please rise for the national anthem . Get it , RISE ? Ah , hilarity . Now here in the great state of Iowa we've enjoyed legal ass fucking since 1978 - in your FACE Alabama , Florida , Idaho , Kansas , Louisiana , Michigan , Missouri , Mississippi , North Carolina , Oklahoma, South Carolina , Texas , Utah , and Virginia .
Point is if you're from North Carolina and you had anal sex prior to June 26 , 2003 you are a bad person and should be in jail . Ironically getting sexed up the butt all the live long day . Now obviously this was one of those fun laws that no one enforced and was just on the books to make old white dudes feel better , however , if it even becomes illegal again I 40Deuce volunteer my services as the enforcer of the Butthole Code . I will use my own free time to watch everyone in the country have sex , in person , and makes sure they're not doing anything illegal . Its a lot of ground to cover , but I shall do my best .
While we're on the subject of the best jobs ever , I heard on on Conan O'Brien the other night (America's best news source) that they passed a law in California (land of porn) stating that condoms had to be worn in all adult films produced there . But they're actually planning on enforcing this one - before a movie is released the police have to screen it and make sure the law is being followed . As if working vice wasn't great enough as it is ! Detective 40Deuce , Porn Squad , reporting for duty . Actually that would probably really suck (and blow) watching porn for hours on end ? Blech . I really enjoy porn for about 15 minutes , then suddenly I lose interest for some reason . Its weird .
The next best job in the world is probably the dudes as Disneyland who watch out for flashers on Splash Mountain (or Flash Mountain as its known by the young people) . Aside from "professional boob watcher" on your resume sounds like a pretty comfortable situation . Speaking of Disney and boobs a while back they canned the guy who played Jack Sparrow at Disneyworld because women kept flashing him . I felt bad for that guy because he didn't do anything to provoke the nude boobies , he was just Jack Sparrow . And what lady isn't going to throw down their boobage when they see CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow ? That dude never had a chance .
In other news I didn't get the job I applied for so I'm stuck with my cruddy boss for a while longer . On the bright side/what makes it even worse is the lady who did get the job ? I told her about the posting . I couldn't be happier for her/more enraged .
You're doing everything wrong - everything (part 3)
Chances are that if you're reading this , and you're not a zombie , you've managed to figure out breathing . On the other hand , chances are you're also doing it wrong.
Take a deep breath right now . I'll wait . If you're anything like most people , you raised your shoulders a little and puffed out your chest like a pigeon in heat . You probably don't see anything wrong with using your chest to breathe , since after all , that's where your lungs are . What the hell else are you going to use ? Your thighs ? Well, smartass , it turns out that the muscle you're supposed to use to breathe , your diaphragm, is under your lungs and closer to your belly .
When upright , most people are habitual chest breathers . We use a shallow form of respiration that makes use of only the top part of the lungs . In reality , most of the blood vessels that take up oxygen are in the bottom , neglected half . Since so much lung power is going to waste , we get less oxygen , and as a result , we're all breathing more rapidly than nature intended us to .
Chest breathing also tends to upset the blood's oxygen/carbon dioxide balance and can lead to headaches , fatigue , anxiety and even panic attacks . According to one expert , you're also potentially suffering from sweaty palms , difficulty relaxing, heightened pain perception and general fatigue .
Or as most people call it a "first date".
It turns out that breathing is one area in which babies are much smarter than you . Babies use a deeper type of respiration called abdominal breathing , which strengthens and makes full use of their diaphragms . It's only as we grow older that we revert to the more inefficient style . Luckily, you can train your body to go back to breathing properly , and over time , you can even breathe abdominally in your sleep .
To practice it , try to "inflate" your stomach as you breathe in , while keeping your chest relatively still . Then contract your abdominal muscles on the exhale . Not only will this give you more oxygen per breath , it will eventually strengthen the diaphragm. A stronger diaphragm means you get more oxygen with each breath , so your brain won't need to divert any away from your muscles , meaning that you get tired less easily .
A study on cardiac patients showed that this type of breathing leads to improved exercise performance and decreased shortness of breath , and it's also been linked to lower blood pressure . This is the reason that so many coaches recommend breathing practice as a shortcut to sports-based superpowers .
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Evildoers beware the salty justice of the Fuzzy Penis !
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Posted:May 1, 2012 5:27 pm
Last Updated:Jun 30, 2012 5:44 pm
131897 Views
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When I woke up this morning I had a bunch of fuzz on my penis - in the little crease between the foreskin and the glans which I beleive is called the conora ? Help me out penis doctors . Also why aren't their penis doctors ? There's more gynocologists than you can swing a bag of dicks at but when I want to be fondled all I get is a general practioner . Also one time my dermatologist felt me up down there when I came in to have a mole removed . I wonder if that was molestation .
How did fuzz get in there ? Never happened before . My best theory is I was sleep-walking and I humped a Care Bear . Hopefully a lady care Bear . Do Care Bears even have gender ? Help me out Care Bear doctors . Hopefully it was consensual either way . Also I decided there should be a superhero called the Fuzzy Penis . My archenemy could be Dr. Bong - who is a real Marvel supervillian from the 70's . Speaking of superheroes and the word that sounds like drape that I get banned for writing about and other people can talk about all the time . One time Nightwing (aka Dick Grayson aka the first Robin aka the only good Robin) got his ass kicked by Blockbuster and then Tarantula came along and draped him .
Which is not the creepiest comic sex scene by a long shot . For instance Green Lantern (Hal Jordan version) . Superman had the hots for his cousin . Superman and Batman were involved in some weird tentacle/penis orgy . Nightcrawler did his sister a bunch of times . Every male hero with a teenage girl sidekick put the moves on her at least .
Anyway , the point is one time I was a comic convention and the dude who wrote that issues of Nightwing was there and someone asked him about it - he said he wasn't drape , it was just non consensual . So watch out for that dude .
But I realized today as I was imagining the adventures of the Fuzzy Penis , she really didn't have a choice . Fighting crime pays zero dollars . And unless one of her powers was Fake Resume (it wasn't) there's no real chance she could get another job . Its a bummer to think if I got super powers I'd still have to go to work . I used to date a lady in HR and she told me people with convictions for apply for jobs all the time . It makes me sad that they're never given a shot
In other news , I bought an edger last night (or a weed whacker as its known colloqually) and I bet someone who uses one of those things for a living and was really good at it could trim someone's pubes with it fairly safely .
You're doing everything wrong - everything (part 2)
From a young age , we're taught that the daily use of a hot shower , copious amounts of soap and a scratchy washcloth are necessary to rid ourselves of dangerous microorganisms and the putrid smell of human skin . And if you aren't squeaky clean , you can forget about dating , career advancement and the promise of a future that doesn't involve dying alone in a den of your own filth .
As it turns out , showering or bathing daily , while it may make us more socially acceptable , wreaks havoc on something hilariously called the horny layer . Hot water , soap and abrasive surfaces strip off the horny layer , exposing living cells to the elements . And although I've just used the words "strip," "exposing" and "horny" in the same sentence , I assure you that this is not the making of a sexy situation . On the contrary , damaging this protective layer of skin makes us more susceptible to disease .
Before recent modern conveniences , people bathed less often , and frequently in the same water . Even nowadays , showering doesn't kill bacteria or other microorganisms , though it does move them around . A colony of bacteria living on your shower wall might move to your leg ; a colony from your leg might move to your head ; a colony from your groin might even take up residence on your hands . For this reason , surgeons in many hospitals are not allowed to shower right before operating .
Studies have shown that there are no measurable differences in the number of microorganism colonies a person is host to regardless of how frequently that person showers . Of course , using antibacterial soaps can kill microorganisms , though in an effort not to create too many super bacteria , medical experts generally recommend not using these soaps daily .
The most important thing to do to keep the skin healthy is to preserve the horny layer . There's no magic number of showers each week , though it's generally agreed that the number would fall somewhat shy of seven . Skipping showers , or , if you'd like a fancy French term , celebrating sans douche days , gives your skin time to repair some of the damage that the last shower caused .
When you shower , use warm or cool water and a mild soap (if at all)and rehydrate the horny layer by rubbing on some moisturizer afterward . Better yet , convince an attractive friend to help with this. Once you've cleaned up , you'll want to make sure you air dry . Ignore protesting roommates or family members and remind them , as you're drip drying at the breakfast table , that they should be grateful you're showering only a couple of times a week .
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Why didn't anyone tell me Goth chicks are sluts ?
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Posted:Apr 30, 2012 4:23 pm
Last Updated:May 1, 2012 4:54 pm
131342 Views
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That's valuable information people - you need to keep me in the loop on these things . I am out of touch , I depend on you , my fellow blogholes to keep me updated on what kind of lady is going to pick up what I'm putting down despite the fact there's no reason anyone should ever want to pick it up ever . I never thought about it before , but I would have thought Goths were not into the sexy intercourse . I would have thought the miasma of their rainy souls would impede their desire . Plus all that wardrobe probably takes a lot of time , and they don't want to end up being late for work at Sbarro and get in trouble again .
Obviously no one wants to hear the details anymore than I want to tell them , but I do want to bring one thing up . During the pre-game warm up Goth chick #1 mentions how she's not wearing any underwear , which I think we can all agree (when done right) is sexy as hell . But does that work the other way around ? If dude tells you he's not wearing any drawers does that get you ladies all hot or is it kind of gross ? A friend of mine claims he never wears underwear which kind of weirds me out because he wears jeans all the time . That doesn't seem very comfortable to me . Also you know what I don't want next to my junk ? A series of interlocking metal teeth .
When I was on the way to the bank to sign the papers for buying my house I stepped out of my car and the crotch ripped right out of my jeans (that happened to be a couple of times that month , I never figured out why) . I am ultimately paranoid about being late so I was early enough that I could have driven home and changed and only been a few minutes late . But I didn't . I mean who even cares ? How often do people look at your crotch anyway ? Never , that's how often . My motto has always been "If you don't want to see my balls YOU look away ."
Not really , my motto is "Ladies drink free ."
But getting back to the slutty Goths , thankfully I didn't seal the deal (I never do) because I got a definite three way vibe off them and unlike every other man in the world I've never seen the appeal of that . I only have one dick for now so what's the point ? Also I don't need two unsatisfied women glaring at me , even if they are Goths . Speaking of which , that's pretty much the reason my first serious girlfriend and I broke up - she kept inviting her friends over to try and talk them into a three way . It was annoying for everyone .
You're doing everything wrong - everything (part 1)
Do you keep waking up at 3 in the morning ? Do you lie there wondering what the hell is wrong with you ?
If this happens to you often , you're not alone. Chances are , if you mention waking up like this to your doctor , it'll be diagnosed as a "sleep disorder" and you'll be given one of the tens of millions of prescriptions for sleeping pills handed out to Americans each year. You'll pop some Ambien , only to awaken a few hours later beating up a police officer . What on earth went wrong ?
Nothing . It's your reaction that's wrong .
The idea that an uninterrupted eight hours is the sleep pattern natural to mankind is surprisingly recent . Before someone who wasn't Thomas Edison invented the light bulb , people in areas with more than eight hours of darkness usually slept in segments : three to five hours of sleep , an hour of wakefulness and then another three to five hour nap . The hour or so of awake time was used for quiet reflection , sex , smoking and pretty much everything except staring at the wall terrified of insomnia . In fact, this small window of consciousness was renowned as the best time for boning , as the tranquility between the first and second sleep was known as being uniquely suited to getting up to mischief with the person lying bored beside you .
In recent times , artificial light has pushed our normal bedtime back later and later , and this segmented sleep has been compressed into a single eight hours . Still , our brains are naturally wired for pre-light-bulb days . In a monthlong experiment , healthy subjects were given a long artificial "night" lasting 14 hours . They quickly reverted to the segmented pattern , waking up for an hour or two of "peaceful wakefulness" between two three to five hour stretches .
So why do we still wake up even when we've been up until midnight watching Deadliest Warrior marathons ? Well , some people tend to revert to this natural sleep cycle despite all the artificial light , especially during dark winter months . Fortunately , having this sort of technology-resistant superbrain doesn't necessarily spell disaster . According to experts , if you stay calm and allow yourself to fall back to sleep naturally rather than lying there wondering why you're awake , you usually won't see any negative effects the next day .
To sum up - Sleep , hump , sleep
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Silence of the moths
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Posted:Apr 29, 2012 9:22 am
Last Updated:May 3, 2012 5:06 pm
132218 Views
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Yesterday when I was doing the laundry I opened the dryer and a moth flew out and promptly died . Which was kind of a bummer . He (I say he because I'm a moth sexist) somehow lived through a 50 minute dryer ride , escaped , and then dropped dead . It was similar to if in Shawshank Redemption if that dude who nailed Susan Sarandon all the time made it out the of the shit tube and then had a heart attack .
Buckle up for some serious moth content .
Whenever I mow the lawn hundreds of moths fly up out of the grass and flee in terror . Which I feel bad about because most of them don't make it . They're just sitting around , mothing it up - when WHAM ! Death from above . I never really appreciate being a human , but I do enjoy not randomly being sliced to bits but a massive machine . Also Massive Machine would be a decent name for a band .
Years ago one of my aunts who's always ranting on about "organic" food gave my mom some "organic" flour . Did you know that "organic" means moth eggs ? Their house was infested with wood moths for YEARS . Hundreds of them . I remember one day sitting down to a bowl of cereal , raising the spoon to my mouth and right before I shoveled it in - MOTH .
40Deuce has been my trucker handle for years , but my rapping name is MC Motheater . Why ? I'm glad you asked . Part A is a song from group Muckafurgason "MC Speller"
my name is mc speller and I like to spell
s p e l l spells spell
mc speller and i love to spell
q u e u e spells queue
he's a maniac, ya'll
here comes the heart attack, yo
chris likes food. andy like atari
i like the work of john baldessari
my rhymes are fresh and my moves are hard
i play the plastic guitar like baudrillard
my name is mc speller and i like to spell
d a d spells dad
mc speller and i love to spell
r h o n g spells wrong
i'm mc scared of bees
ya'll cause you know that i'm scared of bees
ya'll when i see a bee i run because by definition i'm scared of bees
yo, i'm comin' to you straight out of sutton in suburban south london
white, middle class, educated 20 something
i got me degree in pure mathematics
i don't like to i'm just being sarcastic
r i g h t spells right
mc speller's gonna spell all night
talkin' about n i g h t spells night
mc speller spells everything right
So MC Speller and MC Scared of Bees were already taken , which were my natural first choices . So I had to come up with something else , and by come up with I meant steal . My choice of theft was an old Dmetri Martin bit about making pancakes for his girlfriend .
"I was making pancakes the other day and there was a fly buzzing around . I realized then that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter . And a smashed fly is a lot like a blueberry . And my girlfriend is a lot like a fly eater ."
Bam , substitute moth for fly (for copyright reasons) and Robert's your father's brother .
End of moth content .
Last night I was flipping around on the old tube (TVs don't have tubes anymore) and I came across a movie with Rainn Wilson , Natalie Portman and Joseph Gordan Levitt . I thought to myself "Aw yeah , this is going to be funny ." Nope , rather disturbing . Its the old who gets bullied is befriended by crazy guy story EXCEPT its more like what would really happen if a crazy person decided to "help" a with a bully i.e. life ruined . It was a good movie , but not really a feel good story if you know what I mean . Best quote ;
"Don't be ashamed of wanting pussy . Dudes have been poking pussies for hundreds of years , probably longer ."
This morning at the grocery store I noticed a family that had adopted or kidnapped a Asian girl it reminded me that I wish I was adopted . Not because I have any problem with my family (more than anyone else anyway) but because I don't like the idea of my parents getting it on to conceive me . If I'm not adopted my second choice is immaculate conception - but honestly that seems like a longshot . The point is if I'm not adopted that means , even if I never know about , there's a story of how to I came to be . I don't care for that at all .
"We came back from the Stevie Nicks concert and we were wasted on SoCo , the nipples clamps came out , and one thing led to another - you know how it is ."
Adopted please . Speaking of which , there's a movie called Eulogy (which is really good) where Zooey Deschanel finds out that her mom (who she never knew) was in an adult film . She doesn't even know what her mom looked like so she rents the movie . Now , even if you don't watch the sex scene is that
1. Messed up
2. Okay
Its a tough call . Or , since you never knew or met this person anyway does it even matter ? Watch the sex scene all you want , who cares ?
Don't worry , next time I post I'll have a lot more moth stories to round things out .
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I need nine inches of black cock in my ass
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Posted:Apr 28, 2012 7:55 am
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2012 3:56 pm
132381 Views
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Because eight inches simply won't do . Before I get to the nadir of my thesis allow me to regale you with a tale from my workplace adventures . The gargantuan office building where I work has revolving security doors every 11-17 feet , I assume because people are desperate to sneak into an office building and fill out TPS reports in their spare time . One part of the labyrinthine monstrosity is dedicated to training rooms - where people learn important lessons like "Customer service is good , you should try to service our customers instead of screaming profanities at them . Next time you take a call maybe you don't say you hope the caller's mom gets vagina cancer ." Because of this training zone there's often a gaggle of out of towners , sometimes even people from a different country (gasp) like the far away land of Canada .
Anyway , I'm going into work the other day and one of these training monkeys was trying to get through the 1st of hundreds of security doors betwixt her and her destination . She would swipe her badge , the door would revolve , and she would stand there watching it . She did this a few times before her companion remarked "You have to step into the door ." To which she replied "Oh , that's different from Raleigh ."
How the HELL do the doors work in Raleigh ? Obviously we can infer that somehow you get to the other side of the doors in Raleigh WITHOUT moving . Possibilities ;
1. Teleportation
2. The door revolves at such a high rate of speed that it creates a vacuum and sucks you through
3. Moving sidewalks
Frankly none of these things seem very likely to me because North Carolina doesn't strike me as all that futuristic . My apologies to any Carolinians reading this , but I work with people in our NC office a lot and they are
1. Extremely nice
2. Dumber than hell
And now , the main event .
About a week ago after posting my highly controversial Rick James biopic I was reading through Senior Sizzle blogs as is my wont . I found myself reading a post entitled "I need nine inches of black cock in my ass" which if you can't deduce was a young lady decrying the dearth of nine inch black cocks being shoved in her external anal sphincter on a regular basis . And I thought to myself - is this what I'm doing with my life now ? Has it come to this ? Is this my deal now ? Surely there's some better way I could be sending my time .
Now , don't get me wrong , I am in no way denigrating those with unreasoning butt lust . If you love the love that dare not speak its name I have not a problem with that - in fact I say God bless you ma'am or sir , good luck in your search . But should I really be spending my time reading about it ?
While we're on the subject I would like to quibble a little bit about that post . I would suggest that stating you NEED nine inches of black cock in your ass is a bit of an overstatement . Be honest , you WANT nine inches of black cock in your ass . I can envision no scenario where anyone would NEED any # of inches of any color of cock in their ass . I believe that was an exaggeration my dear . Also , if there's anyone out there who wants five inches of white cock in their ass and somehow is having trouble fulfilling that desire drop me a line and I will totally hook you up .
So the point is I resolved to do something a little more constructive with my free time than blogging on a adult theme social networking site . I decided I should be giving back to the community . What I learned is that while I support the idea of the community I should have no direct contact with it . I am totally for the idea of the community , but I don't need to deal with it really . No good comes from that .
Last Saturday I went with my sister to volunteer at Animal Lifeline . I've given them money before , and we work with them a lot with our Kubb Club for charity events so it seemed like a natural transition (also there's a hot chick who also volunteers there I perv on) . But why oh why did I go with my sister ? Don't get me wrong , we get alone fine in a casual environment - going to a movie , talking about movies , talking about movie trailers , talking about upcoming movies , etc. But otherwise she annoys the piss out of me .
So I didn't get off to a good start , but the next day I went to church and talked to the assistant pastor about some stuff I could get involved with . I landed on a meals for the homeless deal . So Monday I did that - but what I should have remembered from my youth when my mom did church stuff is those events are populated almost entirely by catty bitches - but you know , Christian bitches , which is worse .
So that was a bust as well . So desperate I went to the dude at work who I hate who's always hustling various charity projects instead of working and asked him what I could get involved with . I did a couple things and you know what - being around my co-workers made me long for the days of catty Christians bitches .
Here's pretty much what I was thinking for the entirety of all these "good deeds" I was doing .
"SHUT UP , SHUT UP , SHUT UP , SHUT UP ."
Which I realize is my problem - I'm not blaming them for being annoying blabbermouths who have NOTHING of ANY interest to say to ANYONE . Its all me . But regardless (and irregardless) that's how it is . I know it makes me a bad person but my attempts to give back are over - I'll stick to donating money from now .
Moral of the story is , I'm back blogging until I can come up with a new hobby - hopefully something semi-constructive . I was thinking this morning , I didn't even start dating until I was in my 20s , what did I do with all my free time before ? Then I remember that was before all my friends were married and had so we did stuff all the time . Then I got sad . Then I laughed because I remembered something funny . It was a roller-coaster ride of emotions .
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And meanwhile Rick James
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Posted:Apr 20, 2012 12:49 pm
Last Updated:Apr 22, 2012 2:45 pm
131359 Views
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That used to be one of my standard bits . At the end of a conversation I'd say "And meanwhile Rick James is" and then say something stupid . Like many of the stupid things guys do it eventually came semi-ritualistic . A conversation wasn't REALLY over until I said "And meanwhile Rick James is popping a wheeling on his mini-bike" or some such . I assume like most people I had no real opinion of Rick James until Dave Chappelle came along , at which point he became spectacular . A little more research at this point indicates Rick James ? Kind of a douche .
Being addicted to drugs is standard for pretty much all musicians . Torturing people while on the drugs with drug paraphernalia is a little different though and expressly forbidden in Disney Record contracts . So when Rick James kidnapped music executive Mary Sauger , then beat her for roughly 20 hours , it started a series of what qualifies as dramatic and insane events .
After being paroled for the aforementioned day-long beating , shit got real . Rick James was hanging out with 24-year-old Frances Alley , when he became suspicious that she had stolen drugs from him . Unwilling to part with any of his drugs under any circumstance , James likely snorted toilet cleanser until holding her hostage seemed like a fine course of action .
He tied her up, burnt her with the hot end of a crack pipe, and forced her to service him sexually for six fucking days . To put six days of torture into perspective , she was essentially tortured for 12 viewings of all three Lord of the Rings movies, uncut . That's a shitload of Smeagol .
Rick James was convicted of two charges , but avoided the torture charge , which would have put his Charlie Murphy slapping ass in jail for life . Thanks to Dave Chappelle , who appears in half of the google images when you search "Rick James" James became charming and hilarious again and people mostly forgot about all that torture business and that abhorrent video he made with Eddie Murphy.
And meanwhile Rick James is probably suffering the eternal torments of hell .
In other news since I've been sick lately (you probably didn't notice , I don't like to complain) I wanted something sweet to lighten my spirits a little bit . Normally I only like homemade pie (if you know what I mean) but I was too lazy to bake so I tried bakers square .
WORST
APPLE
PIE
EVER
Remember that one time when I said I was against pie-fucking because it was a waste of pie ? Yeah , this was a fucking pie ladies and gentlemen . Point is someone please bake me a pie and FedEx it over . Thanks in advance .
And as long as we're on the subject , I very briefly dated an ER nurse (she was way too good for me) and she claims that a dude came in once because he had burns on his junk from humping a pie that had just come out of the oven . Seems like the kind of thing that could be true , but it also seems like the kind of thing that you would make up if you were an ER nurse and people would believe .
In other news , as I'm sure you ALL remember there's a pretty attractive cross dresser in my office and we must be on the same bladder scheduled because I see her/his feet at the urinal all the time . Which got me to thinking today . I don't think I'd have any problem getting a blowjob from a good looking cross dresser as long as they were dressed . I guess that means I'm gay now . I need to start working out more . Also I had the image in my mind of a really attractive cross dresser having a hairy man ass . That image will haunt me for a while .
And meanwhile Rick James is singing Superfreak .
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Mark your calenders - Thursday , April whatever , 2012 - the day 40deuce lost his anal virginity
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Posted:Apr 19, 2012 5:15 pm
Last Updated:Jun 30, 2012 5:54 pm
131722 Views
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I don't know precisely why I brush my teeth nude , probably just because I like being nude . I was brushing my teeth this morning and I turned to spit and some MORON had left the medicine cabinet open . I had to think quickly - a collision was imminent , the medicine cabinet door was coming directly towards my proximity . With the reflexes of a cat ninja on crank I managed jump back with a graceful jete . For about 3/14ths of a second I felt pretty good about myself . Then I hit the corner of the counter right in the bunnymaker (yeah , bunny) . It wasn't great but it wasn't that bad either . I wouldn't do it again , but it was no big thing really . You female types makes too big a deal about anal sometimes . If you like it great , if not , fine - just don't whinge on about it all the time .
As I was driving to work I remembered that technically I probably lost my anal virginity when I was a to some doctor who molested me . Some "examination" that was . And the worst part , my parents just sat there . Some people say I shouldn't joke about being molested as a when really I had a obstructed bowel (fun fact don't eat jagged pieces of metal) and I say to those people "I'll think about it ."
Say what you want about the Insane Clown Posse
Their music is terrible for one . And this whole Juggalo thing , that's pretty stupid . But on the plus side Shaggy 2 Dope did say something pretty funny once . Upon being interviewed by a man with a perm he was heard to remark ;
"Keep the short curly ones in your pants bro ."
That's a solid burn right there - especially for a white rapper . Also in the pro-ICP column one time my pals and I were standing around not doin' anothin' and we saw one of them lady jugglos you hear about on the news walking across the street . Normally I'm not one for crass comments , but I says to my pals I says ;
"I got to get me some of that Insane Clown Pussy ."
One of my better lines . I wrote the script for a comedy porn movie called Insane Clown Pussy once . Honestly I don't even know why they bother with dialog in porn these days . I remember back in the day I watched a porn comedy - I think I actually laughed a couple of times (at things that were supposed to be funny) which is 1111% more than I had expected .
Why am I talking about the Insane Clown Posse ? Because their new album The Mighty Death Pop ! "drops" on my birthday ? No . Because they also wrestle , have worked with Jack White , and appeared on ATHF and therefore have fulfilled all MY dreams and I hate them for it ? No . Because today at work while I was sitting in my bosses office and he was stripping away the last of my job duties (I asked him what he expected from me and he said "just show up every day") I thought to myself "What kind of a world is it we live in where I have to deal with this and the dudes from Insane Clown Posse are god damn rich . Fuck you Violent J ."
Which I admit is a weird thought to pop into your head while your professional life is crumbling all around you . Sometimes I wish my brain didn't have a filter .
Bossman "Just show up every day , that's your job now ."
40Deuce "You wouldn't say that to Shaggy 2 Dope ."
I would have given myself a pat on the back for that level of nonsense .
Say what you want about Senior Sizzle
They really want your money . Did you know that Gold members have sex once a week ? I just finished a 3 month Gold rotation and I didn't have sex once . Obviously one of you was having sex twice a month just so I got nothing . You are so selfish . You owe me 12 sexings .
Speaking of which , if the aliens came down with their boron lasers and said alright humans here's the deal - in total you can all have sex X times (where X = once a week per person) and once you reach that limit anyone who tries to have sex will explode (via the butt) . Would you only have sex once a week or would you be a jerk and sex it up all the time and hope you didn't do it after the limit had been met ?
The atomic # for boron is 5 . That's why its my favorite .
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To link to this blog (40Deuce) use [blog 40Deuce] in your messages.
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