New slang for the new millennium
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Posted:Jul 28, 2012 8:25 am
Last Updated:Jul 29, 2012 9:04 am
65164 Views
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So far this millennium has been okay . Kylie Minogue showed her bare ass at a concert in London , that was good . The Taliban blew up some famous cliff carvings , that was bad . The iPod came out , which was good . YouTube was created , that was bad . That's pretty much it so far . Kind of a mixed bag . But , the one thing his millennium is severely lacking is good slang . There's been tons of new slang , but all of it has sucked . Thankfully I'm here to unleash some new slang on you tragically unhip people . Please say as many as you can as often as you can .
Shaggy – In general ; good or extreme , also used as a term for intercourse as in "getting shaggy"
Bring the dip – Good luck , generic well wishing (also 'brought the dip' ; did very well)
Group Therapy – A particularly loud and boisterous party , often where copious amounts of narcotics are used ; in general , a party
Warg – Bad , particularly used when something goes wrong , often used to denote a bad idea that will likely result in injury
Snack cracker (male) / Snack cake (female) – A very desirable person
Shut up baby dick – Exclamation of endearment , most often used after the presentation of a surprise
Grage – Expression of disbelief , accusation of lying
Death Valley Airbag – Useless (also Death Valley Funbags - small breasts)
Three bricks to the east – Lost , often because of nonsensical directions from GPS ; also , a person who means well but fails due to stupidity
Double penetration (DP) – Difficult , also used generally to describe an unsatisfactory outcome
Flip – Shiny
Denite – Literally ; exploded , used figuratively as a superlative
Royal Queen's Quislings (RQQ , 'arc' ) – Fictional secret society used as a scapegoat for ill luck or bad things happening
Colgate Kiss – Ejaculating on someone's face
With a twist – Improved , made better
Do the swirl – Underperform , specifically because of a refusal to take sound advice
AmFam – Groping of the genitals , usually unwillingly received
Fritter Dance Party – Group sex
Ice Cream Social – A date , often used to describe a date when there is an expectation of intercourse (also Box Social – a date where sex is deemed unlikely)
Piano Party – Antonym of sausage fest
Two Love – Fuck you/fuck off
Shasty – Gross , often used as a noun for a gross person
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Up your butt with a coconut (although I saw no coconut , he had no coconut to my knowledge)
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Posted:Jul 27, 2012 10:24 am
Last Updated:Jul 28, 2012 8:10 am
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Anyone who doesn't know what that is from is a terrible person and I hate you .
First things first , they're doing a thing ; Rules of Engorgement Hey it's the PERV Olympics, Right ; see ? Become aware of it , then carefully consider the pros and cons , consult with your friends and family , and then decide if the Perv Olympics are right for you . I heard on Wuph that participation is mandatory but that was probably just a joke (probably) .
Anyway , that's not the topic of discussion today . The other day I was reading a lady's blog and usually I skip past the private message deal at the top that's so popular these days - but this time I took a look at it . It read (and I quote)
Do you have something private you'd like to say? This is an area to post something for my eyes only. Or, to anonymously say something really tacky like, "I wanna do you up the butt."
I had never really considered it before , but I do want to do that - in a philosophical sense anyway . Anyhow , as I was adding her name to the spreadsheet I keep of people who I would (if given three quarters of a chance) make sweet , sweet love to their butthole (preferably while the whole world watches) I thought to myself that the term/phrase/whatever "up the butt" doesn't really make a lot of sense .
I don't know about you all , but all the butt sexing I've been involved with the person getting but sexxored was either on their hands and knees , laying on their side , or flat on their back . So in no real spatial sense could whatever was being used for the sexxoring be said to be going "up" . It was a pretty flat trajectory - no more than 12 degrees at most I would say . I would say if you're going to say something tacky about your insatiable butt lust for someone it would be more correct to say "I want to do you forwards the butt ."
Also while we're talking about directions , every now and then during the sexy intercourse a lady might say to me do/move/whatever more to the left/right ; and then I always say "My left/right or stage left/right" . No one has ever thought that's funny .
I was reminded recently how back in the early days of my online activities I used to go into adult chat rooms all the time just to be a jerk . Some of the stuff I did made the rounds on various nerd forums a couple of years ago . Its kind of funny , but I feel bad about it now - taking advantage of porn lonely dudes pretending to be on the internets . A couple examples
bloodninja: Baby , I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight ?
BritneySpears14: Aight
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby , yeah .
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants , just for you , bloodninja
bloodninja: Oh yeah , aight . Aight , I put on my robe and wizard hat .
BritneySpears14: Oh , I like to play dress up
bloodninja: Me too baby .
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest
bloodninja: I cast Level 3 Eroticism . You turn into a real beautiful woman .
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana , before casting level 8 Cock of the Infinite .
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty Fuck of the Beyondness .
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever . This is ridiculous .
bloodninja: Don't fuck with me bitch , I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands .
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning level 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist , because you are only a level 2 Druid
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of shit.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack , leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal .
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics . The cold war ends . Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him .
bloodninja: You still there baby ? I think it's getting hard now .
bloodninja: Baby ?
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bloodninja: Ok baby , we got to hurry , I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you .
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u
bloodninja: A Rhinoceros . Well , hung like one , that's for sure .
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck
bloodninja: I stomp the ground , and snort , to alert you that you are in my breeding territory .
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceroses don't wear shirts .
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game
bloodninja: Rhinoceroses don't play games . They fucking charge your ass .
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinoceros about to charge your ass
bloodninja: I stomp my feet , the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet .
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring , I lower my head . My horn , like some phallic symbol of my potent virility , is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor . You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn .
bloodninja: God damn am I hard now .
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I guess pants are okay
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Posted:Jul 26, 2012 11:29 am
Last Updated:Jul 27, 2012 9:55 am
65300 Views
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My hated of pants is legendary . But recent events have forced to be reconsider that opinion . I'm a fat enough man to admit when I'm wrong . You see , I always thought that (at best) pants were just another way for the Man (the concept of illegitimate authority not the wrestler) to keep us down . But I have come to find out that pants actually serve a useful purpose . I still don't like them , but they have a job to do , same as me , and I have to respect that .
Turns out the reason we wear pants is to keep monsters from eating our legs . Sounds crazy at first , but this came straight from my niece and she wouldn't lie to me . Plus think about it - do you still have legs (if not I'm sorry) , do you wear pants ? Well , there you go then . That logic is ironclad my babies . There have been a few days in my life where I didn't wear pants , not many , I can only assume I got lucky on those days . I won't make that mistake again . Honestly if I had thought about it it makes perfect sense that there's monsters out there waiting to eat our legs . Hopefully chupacabra can protect us from some of them , but the point is we're wearing pants for a very good reason .
What does the legs-eating monster look like ? Probably something like this ;
[image]
Thank god it doesn't like the taste of pants .
Thankfully there is one kind of pant I can still hate on . The lowly cargo pant . When you think of cargo pants , you think one of two things : our armed forces , or that girl who sat behind you in high school chemistry class and wore nothing but cargo pants and video game sweaters .
Cargo pants were first worn by British military personnel in 1938
Cargo pants were not brought to the U.S until the mid-1940s during WWII
The large side pockets were originally only on paratroopers' uniforms , giving them room to hold radios and extra ammunition
Cargo pants came back into fashion during the mid 1990s
After the year 2000 , cargo pants were only used by construction workers and toddlers
Cargo pants usually come in only two colors: khaki and camo
Superbad wasn't such a great movie , but it did contain one very true sentiment ;
"No one's gotten a handjob in cargo pants since 'nam ."
After all , who would want to get close to somebody whose pants look like they could be holding every concealable weapon possible ? Cargo pants are ugly as hell . However , this never stopped anybody from wearing them in bygone years . Still , cargo pants have decreased in popularity over the past two decades for a couple of reasons .
One reason is that although functional , many women find these pants too masculine to wear . Most women also find it much easier to store whatever it is they need in a purse instead of lugging around their necessities in giant carpenter's pants .
Another reason is that skinny is the new trend. More women (and men) opt for tighter-fitting clothing in darker colors due to the fact that it makes the wearer look thinner . Cargo pants do the exact opposite of this . They only make the wearer look heavier . My butt in cargo pants makes planet Jupiter (and the wrestler) feel like a munchkin .
Cargo pockets were originally used on sport hunting clothing for clearly functional purposes , such as holding ammo or pepper spray (you never know who's in the woods with you). It can also be reasonably inferred that cargo pants have been used in combat during all wars since WWII . Young people (damn them !)adopted loose cargo pants in the mid 1990s . Around 1995 , olive green military sweaters and tan colored military cargo pants ruled the scene . You were hot to trot around the town in cargo pants , a denim jacket , flannel shirt , and a spankin' new pair of Doc Martens .
Thankfully , this trend died a quick death .
Cargo pants are most acceptably worn by the following age groups in this day and age :
1. Toddlers
2. under the age of 10
3. Construction workers/carpenters
4. Lumberjacks
5. Old people on vacation
It is acceptable to wear cargo pants at a concert and fill the pockets with rocks . It makes the mosh pit that much more fun .
So to sum up , cargo pants ; go to hell . All other pants (especially Flashdance style ass pants) keep up the good work .
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Celebrity cleavage challenge !
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Posted:Jul 23, 2012 4:40 pm
Last Updated:Jul 27, 2012 9:56 am
65343 Views
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Its the newest fad sweeping the nation - to whom do these sweet , sweet boobs belong ? Answer correctly and you're entered into a drawing for a free water pick !
Not much of a blog post , I admit , but I feel like crap today . I think that scorpion venom is really starting to get to me .
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Apocalyptic scenario # 351 : Sun crushed by giant dildo
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Posted:Jul 22, 2012 8:30 am
Last Updated:Jul 23, 2012 4:20 pm
67014 Views
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I was organizing my old CDs I never listen to anymore in preparation of spitting on them and chucking them in the sewer (unless anyone has a better idea) when I came across "We Like Folk , Who Cares , Destroy Us" . I'm a fan of Beck , but this was never one of my favorites , still I thought I should give it one last listen - I haven't heard it in years and my tastes have changed . Why not ?
Anyone who likes Beck knows the dude has some weird lyrics , but sometimes he goes completely off the rails . From "Pay No Mind (Snoozer) " ;
Give the finger to the rock and roll singer
As he's dancing upon your paycheck
The sales climb high through the garbage pail sky
Like a giant dildo crushing the sun
That's why I pay no mind, I sleep in slime, I just got signed
Since the sun is a miasma of incandescent plasma you can't really crush it per say , but a large enough dildo traveling through space could disperse it (assuming Superman didn't stop it) . But a dildo of that size would destroy earth with its gravity well long before it ever got to the sun so we wouldn't know . By the way , what color is the sun ? If you said yellow (or sometimes red) you're wrong as as hell .
This is what the sun looks like without the dumb atmosphere of earth photoshopping it . Kind of like the testicle of an albino man with impeccable skin care . Not that I would know what that looks like .
As I was out and about this fine 100 degree morning , I saw a woman walking along and being the dirtbag that I am I check her out . She was pretty cute , but the thing that really caught my was the giant tactical knife sheath she had strapped to her thigh . I didn't notice if there was a knife in said sheath , but I have to assume there was . Or is that like the new fashion trend ? Will I see every girl with a shoulder holster or a combat vest in a few months ? SWAT chic ? Anyway , assuming she had a knife that fit in that sheath (by the way is beaver knife a real euphemism for the penis or is that just an Iowa thing ?) aside from being totally illegal , it does raise some questions . Why does she need to walk around with such a knife ? Is she a big Crocodile Dundee fan ? Does such a thing even exist ?
The other thing I saw as I was tooling around in my sweet Kia Spectra , was an autoglass repair place that had a bunch of broken windows . I know its an AUTO glass repair place , but it still amused me .
Anyone who has , help me out - why do insist on throwing the dice directly at the game board and knocking all the pieces over when they roll ?
In other news , did you know that Cosmo is trying to kill us all ? Sex advise from their website ;
"Very softly bite the skin of his scrotum ."
There's something mankind has known about intercourse since the very , very first sexual act was performed : If in describing the act , the words "bite" and "scrotum" appear in the same sentence , something went catastrophically wrong . So wrong that your behavior should have earned you an unceremonious exit from the gene pool .
To put this in context , when kangaroos fight each other , they use the claws on their hind legs to tear at their opponent's scrotum . Even when trying to kill each other by way of scrotal trauma , wild animals refuse to go so far as biting .
And by the way , when dealing with teeth and that area of the body , the modifier "softly" doesn't do anything to make this better . That's like saying to "gently" jam a lit cigarette into his eye .
"Jiggle his balls back and forth like shaking dice in a cup ."
We always knew there was something sexy about Yahtzee ! And now it's all so clear : It remind us of the time our girlfriend rattled our testicles around like a set of dice she was trying to shake a lucky roll out of . I think its safe to say this advice came from a angry woman looking for revenge . Its like that time they put in Maxim "You know what really turns the ladies on? When you jab them in the ribs with a sharp stick." That advice was clearly from a balding man in his basement , with a wall covered in photos of his mother with scrawled over them in blood .
"Gently tug the hairs between the navel and penis ."
Well , at least this one doesn't involve outright genital trauma . This little nugget recommends you pull on some dude's treasure trail hairs . You know , to turn him on.
Hey , ladies , have you ever heard a guy use the expression , "He's got me by the short hairs ?" was the guy using it in a positive way ? No , because it is meant to convey the image of somebody grabbing your pubic hair and causing so much pain that they can make you do anything . Nobody unwraps a gift at Christmas and says , "Thanks, Grandma ! This Xbox 360 will really get me by the short hairs !"
All right , so now what you need to understand about that strip of fur Cosmo is referencing is that it's basically pubes . It's like a pubic escape route from your pants . No one's going to publish "yank on his pubes" in a sex advice column because no one outside of a few fetish scenes would want to do it , because it's horrible .
"Move his penis all around like an old school Atari joystick - up down , all around ."
I had to throw this one in because it's hilarious , shows utter unfamiliarity with how the male unit works and yet is still somehow the best advice on this list .
After she's attempted to bite your nutsack , yanked out your pubic hairs and rattled your balls like she's working a craps table , it'll be sweet relief to have the woman merely grab your boner and steer it around while making "BEEP BOOP" video game noises .
"Yes , honey , that's great . Play Space Invaders with my wang . I just have to catch my breath here . Yes , sure , use it like a gear shift and make race car noises . That will be a fun activity for you while I wait for the feeling to come back to the lower half of my body ."
"Make two fists around the penis and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can ."
For those of you who don't have mean uncle , this technique , when applied to the forearm , is called an Indian Burn . I'm not sure if the politically correct version would be an Indigenous American Burn or a Southeast Asian Burn , but that's irrelevant because when done to your manhood it would need a new term completely . Something like , "A crime a million times worse than murder ."
I'm not even joking at this point . Seriously , don't do this . We're frowning over our keyboard . This has been banned by the Geneva Convention as an inhumane torture technique . They will build grim monuments to the men who have had this done to them .
Let us never forget what Cosmo did to those fine men on that terrible day .
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I really don't mind my neighbor
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Posted:Jul 21, 2012 7:35 am
Last Updated:Jul 22, 2012 8:36 am
66314 Views
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But what annoys me to know end is the obsession her seem to have in throwing their fast food bags on my lawn as they're on their way to pay her money to pound her asshole . First of all , why are you scarfing down a Big Mac right before sex ? If I was a lady I'd charge extra if I was going to have McDonald's onion breath all over me . I kind of wish she'd get busted again just so I wouldn't have to clean up all these degenerates trash . I could rat her out I guess . Doesn't seem the neighborly thing to do . Anyone want to make me a sign I can put in my lawn ?
Attention people visiting the next door - please do not litter
And while we're on the subject . I have to say , I'm surprised by the kind of dudes that go over there . Most of them are young guys in pretty good shape . I would have thought her clientele would have been more no class , beat down fools like myself . I would have thought these kind of dudes could get laid all they want . Well , not all they want (which is impossible) but at least as enough not to waste money on a . Live and learn .
In other news , I happened to be watching some adult feature in my spare time the other day - Lusty Latina Nation Vol 17 (as usual the plot made no sense because I hadn't seen the rest of the series) . Anyway , one of the very talented actresses in this picture was heard to remark ;
"Get your cock out and make it hard ."
I nominate this for the best writing the pornography ever .
Also whatever happened to teamwork ? Why can't they work together to get the cock out and make it hard ? How about a compromise ? He gets the cock out and then she makes it hard . That way everyone's participating . Sex is a team sport you know - there has to be some give and take . If you know what I mean .
I have this picture in with my other blog pictures . I don't ever remember writing anything about it . I'm not even sure if its a real picture or something I stole off the internets . You should write something about it . A story perhaps ? Maybe a limerick ? A parable about getting wasted off your ass responsibly ? Its all up to you . Choose your own adventure .
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High Plains Grifter
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Posted:Jul 19, 2012 4:55 pm
Last Updated:Jul 21, 2012 7:31 pm
66019 Views
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"You sir are a no good cowardly of a bitch ! You just killed an unarmed man !"
"He should have armed himself ."
Little Bill & William Munny
I mentioned a while ago my first thought after deviriginzation was "That's what all the fuss is about ? Lame ." But I was recently asked what the SECOND thing I thought was . The answer ? "Huh , 88% of rock music is about getting a blowjob - it all makes sense now ."
Today at work some middle aged ladies got in a fistfight over a lean cuisine . Well , not a fistfight , but a slapping and shoving fight - as per usual . It was pretty pathetic . As I'm sure you all know , I don't eat at work because its a sign of weakness , but there is a significant food banditry problem there (and everywhere else I've ever worked) . You have to be a special kind of sociopath to grab someone else's lunch . And I'd bet a small sum of cash money 30% of the time the stolen food is just thrown away . Symbolic of the human experience really .
By the way , did you know boxing gloves have actually made boxing much more dangerous ?
As the head is basically the hardest part of the human body (besides MY DICK) a connecting blow actually means you stand a better chance of breaking a hand (yours) than breaking a face (your opponent's). And remember that the human skull isn't just hard , it's also sharp . Angle your punch wrong , and you might drive your hand directly into the teeth . This is called a fight bite , and it can cause serious damage - first with a nasty gash in your hand , and then with an even nastier infection . Why ? Because the human mouth is disgusting .
The only thing boxing gloves have reduced are the number of cuts and bruises , while significantly increasing the risk of brain damage and number of deaths . Yes , it turns out boxing gloves have only made it easier to punch a guy square in the face with full force . While the glove protects the hand against injury , your opponent's brain still has to deal with the full force of the blow , actually made worse by the added weight of the glove .
For all the modern boxers who don't die in the ring , there's the 15 percent chance they'll develop some kind of brain damage , while bare-knuckle fighters , on the other hand , prefer to avoid the head altogether .
Anyway , the point is seeing two 50 year old women wrestling on the ground in their control top pantyhose made me think I really need to become independently wealthy so I can quit working . Anyone interested in a pyramid scheme ? Remember if you get in early enough you can really clean up .
In other news , as I'm sure you all know , Unforgiven is one of my favorite movies . But it was recently named one of the best romantic stories also . Sounds crazy at first .
It's actually not an exaggeration to say that the film deconstructs and rebuilds the entire genre . For those of you who haven't seen it , kill yourself . Are you dead now ? Good . You had that coming . Now go watch Unforgiven and you'll see it's the story of a once-notorious gun-slinging criminal who comes out of retirement to collect the bounty on two men who were responsible for cruelly disfiguring a .
Most of the movie is designed to debunk the notion of the badass superman cowboy , but ultimately , it's just a long con . In the final scene we learn , despite everything we've just been taught , that outlaw heroes are real .
Early on , Richard Harris' character , English Bob , falsely claims to be such a man . He even travels with his own biographerr . But Bob is reduced to nothing by Sheriff "Little Bill" played by Gene Hackman . Little Bill is a no-frills authority figure : smart and tough , but also not a hero . He seems to relish his authority too much . He delights in Bob's beating in a way that only a true bully could , and he exists in a town where guns are banned . He seems to perpetually have the upper hand . More than anyone , Little Bill wants people to know that cowboy legends aren't real .
Then there's Eastwood's character , Will Munny - reformed alcoholic , widower and struggling farmer trying to raise his . We hear he was a notorious outlaw , but there's no trace of it in his demeanor . He travels the movie fairly unimpressively , showing no particular talent for killing until his friend Ned is murdered and displayed outside the saloon/brothel where the was brutalized . Munny enters the hostile room of Little Bill and approximately 20 others with his gun drawn and . . . wins . He does everything the movie spent two hours explaining couldn't be done . He kills five men , clears the room and remains unscathed .
"So where's the love story ?" you ask , and for a moment I'm confused , because I assume you're my ex-girlfriend . But anyone watching the movie has to notice that despite it being all about Munny and cowboys and killing , it starts and ends with narration about Munny's now deceased wife :
She was a comely young woman and not without prospects. Therefore it was heartbreaking to her mother that she would enter into marriage with William Munny, a known thief and murderer, a man of notoriously vicious and intemperate disposition.
And at the close of the movie:
Some years later, Mrs. Ansonia Feathers made the arduous journey to Hodgeman County, Kansas, to visit the last resting place of her only . William Munny had long since disappeared with the ... some said to San Francisco where it was rumored he prospered in dry goods. And there was nothing on the marker to explain to Mrs. Feathers why her only had married a known thief and murderer, a man of notoriously vicious and intemperate disposition.
That's the whole love story right there . Nothing more , but it takes Unforgiven from a good movie to a great movie for me . Even in the midst of 21st century instant gratification , those seemingly irrelevant and ambiguous details make us wonder . What did she see in him ? And the answer isn't as important as the fact that she did see something . Something made her fall in love , and it was a love so strong that despite other prospects , she had to be with this man and his dark past . And for that , her love was rewarded . He put down his gun , he gave up the drink and he thought only of providing for their when she passed .
We also know that Munny must have loved her , too . After all , giving up all his evil ways was no big deal when we thought he was just some thug with a gun . By the end of the movie , however, we see that he is the stranger from A Fistful of Dollars . He is the outlaw Josie Wales . He is the living embodiment of every natural born killer cowboy myth we've ever heard , and he put it all away for love .
One of the greatest love stories ever , with not one scene of the couple together , and barely any words explaining their love .
I was going to whine about how I was depressed because of how disgusting I am and it turns out Liposuction isn't really the answer , but I thought this might be slightly more readable .
You are welcome !
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Its REAL people , its REAL !!! Run for your lives !
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Posted:Jul 18, 2012 5:03 pm
Last Updated:Jul 20, 2012 3:20 pm
65199 Views
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I believe in many things that don't really have a lot of evidence of back them up . Chupacabra , the Fiji mermaid , the Bill of Rights , Timothy Dalton as the best James Bond , etc. But one thing I didn't believe in was vajazzling . I mean if there's one thing that sounds like an urban legend that's it . Apparently I was being a naive moron .
How do I know its true ? Because America's Sweetheart , your favorite and mine , Jennifer Love Hewitt does it ! She's crazy about it ! She talks about it all the time apparently !
What is the world coming to I ask you ? Do vagina's not get ENOUGH attention in this society ? Is that what we're saying ? That we need more reason to try and see a lady vagina ?
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME ?!
My entire worldview has been shaken . I don't know how to process information anymore . There are websites , a bunch of them , about vajazzling . Rate my vajazzle ! Vajazzle my vajayjay !
I have seen this world's true face . The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over , all the vermin will drown . The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us !" . . . and I'll whisper "no ."
Okay maybe that's a BIT of an over reaction .
I mean don't get me wrong , I LIKE it , its just . . . you know , what the fuck ?
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Win , lose or blog
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Posted:Jul 16, 2012 5:01 pm
Last Updated:May 7, 2013 4:51 pm
68489 Views
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Worst title ever . This is even more stream of consciousy then normal so buckle up .
Last night I chatted with an old buddy of mine who I haven't really talked to much since high school (ish) . He was in the army (deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan) and then was a chaplain on a cruise ship . So he's done a lot of traveling (meanwhile I live 10 miles away from where I was born) . He told me an interesting story . There's some kind of endangered bird that's like a pheasant or quail (both delicious by the way) in the southern parts of Africa . The local people shoot them illegally because they can sell them for about $19 American and they're , you know , starving to death . But the nature conservancy and a bunch of other such groups have a "bounty" on these birds where they'll pay you $1000 if you take a picture instead of shooting them . But hardly anyone does because ; A , they don't know about it and B , they don't have cameras .
Not to be totally cynically , but that seems like a pretty good metaphor for the human experience right there . Missed opportunities and misplaced ideas .
Also apparently the crew on cruise ships get treated pretty shitty .
The other day on the TV a comedian said that straight men were the only people that worried about that perceived sexual preference . Which was a funny bit , but its not true . I have an ex who was totally paranoid about being thinking she was a lesbian . She was really good at darts and softball , but she quit them both because someone in her league(s) thought she was gay . Not just quit the league , quit playing them altogether . Sometimes she used to make me come out with her and her best friend so no one would think they were a couple . The weird thing about it was she at least seemed to have no problem at all with gay people . So obviously now I assume she is gay . Although she did really like dicks . Alot .
I wore boxers today for the first time in a long time because I have a scorpion sting on my inner thigh (or maybe a pimple , time will tell) and my normal underthings were rubbing me the wrong way (if I can coin a phrase) . My junk didn't flop around nearly as much as I remember . I guess my junk is less floppy now . I'm not sure what that means . My penis is shrinking as I get older , I know that . So you know , if you want to have sex with me there's no time like the present . Unless you like small penises , in which case marry me .
I hate Mondays because that's the day all the dumb stupid morons regal the office with the dumb stupid retarded moron idiot stuff they did while drunk over the weekend . One dude was complaining because he was talking to a "super tall fag in a dress" and when he went for a high five said STFIAD tried to grab his junk . First of all , this story is probably total BS . Which annoyed me . And secondly , oh boo-hoo , so some crossdresser the size of a linebacker tried to feel you up - get over it . I get tackled , pinned to the ground , and sucked off by 5 trannies every morning and you don't hear me complaining .
While we're on the subject a few years back an acquaintance of mine "came out" to me and he seemed annoyed that I didn't care . What exactly is the etiquette in that situation ? You're supposed to make some kind of fuss I take it ? Are you supposed to pretend to be surprised ? If there's a book you can refer me to that might help .
And finally , a beloved old dude (who I didn't know) at the place I worked died , and a bunch of people were going to the funeral today . They were all dressed in their funeral clothes and I couldn't help but notice a lot of the women's boobage seemed much boobier than normal . Does mourning make your breasts enlarge somehow ? How long does it last ?
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Learning is dumb
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Posted:Jul 15, 2012 8:22 am
Last Updated:Jul 27, 2012 9:45 am
66459 Views
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I got an e-mail (well whatever they call the mail system on here ? slutmail ?) asking "why r u sch a sihtty writr ?" Running that through my moron translator , I believe the question at had is why am I such a shitty writer ? As it happens , I actually know that . Its all the fault of the middle school creative writing teacher . I can't remember her her actual name so lets call her Miss Cockinmouth . I had started writing as a fun hobby a few years prior and I was super excited about an actual CLASS , in SCHOOL about writing . That was my first mistake . For our first assignment I wrote a short story about a Native American who gets captured and chained up by the evil white people with a group of slaves on their way to be sold in Charlestown , which at the time I thought was the capital of the Confederacy and therefore the most evil place in the world .
Sidenote , I had a pretty tenuous grasp of history at the this point , I may have though the Confederacy and Nazi Germany were the same thing somehow . When I was much younger I used to draw pictures of soldiers with Nazi/Confederate flags getting killed all the time . I think that kind of shit gets you in a special class nowadays .
Anyway , the Native dude falls in love with one of the slaves , they try to escape and are killed by the evil white people . It was a tale of love and loss written with all the nuance and racial awareness of a 13 year boy from the suburbs . So , after every assignment you had a one-on-one meeting with Miss Cockinmouth to discuss your work . First words out of her mouth ;
"This is terrible , you need to learn how to write dialog ."
Ouch . But , hey , I had never been TAUGHT how to do any writing before so most likely a valid criticism . I was here to learn after all , lets get to it .
"What should I do ?" I said with hope and innocence ?
"I don't know , but this isn't how you write dialog " replied Miss Cockinmouth , "maybe you should read some books and see how they do it ."
As a youth I was confused (and aroused) and pissed because I spent nearly my entire waking life reading (aside from the 9-13 hours of TV I watched a day) . As an adult I'm pissed because she seemed to be missing the point of the whole "teacher" thing . I don't remember my math teacher ever saying ;
"Hey , you need to learn how do matrices ."
"How should I do that ?"
"How the fuck should I know , just figure it out you piece of shit ."
But I didn't give up on learning until a little later until Miss Cockinmouth made us start keeping journals - and didn't tell us until afterwards that we'd have to turn them into her so she could read them . Maybe I should have assumed that , but silly 13 year old me , I thought journals were , you know , private .
Anyway , so I gave up on ever trying to become a better writer . I kind of have up on school altogether . Still got straight As though , which tells you something about the education system I would wager .
Next topic . Here in the town I live , in the great state of Iowa , the dildo store is called "Romantix" , it used to be called "the Pleasure Palace" but they changed the name when they realized porn , vibrators and rooms for dudes to jack off in were more about romance (romanxe ?) than pleasure . The nearest grocery store to me has been closed for months while they expanded it to the biggest , greatest grocery store in the whole midwest . Today was the grand opening . One of the new features ? The Romantix aisle . I was flabbergasted (and maybe a little gaslighted , possibly even huffenpuffed) . Its not even off the corner with the non-food stuff . Its right between juice aisle and the peanut butter aisle .
Now , they did make some concession to decency , there are no porn movies - who's covers with photos of giant cocks being shoved into tiny ladyholes would surely traumatize the . There's just , you know giant fake cocks made out of molded rubberlike materials . How could this happen in the god-fearing , conservative , heartland of America ? I guess there's more people than I know who need to pick up frozen peas and a cock ring in one trip .
And finally , I got up WAY early for a Sunday , 7AM so I could play tennis before the murdersun came at us with full intensity . And it was 93 damn degrees , at 7AM in the damn morning ! I used to love global warming , now I hate it . Thanks a lot Al Gore .
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Are muggles nude pictures of Jennifer Love Hewitt ?
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Posted:Jul 14, 2012 11:49 am
Last Updated:Jul 18, 2012 4:10 pm
65748 Views
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If you're anything like me you've never read a Harry Potter book or seen a Harry Potter movie . Statistically speaking , you are nothing like me , as the the Potter franchise smashed all relevant box office records everywhere . I should make it clear that when I say "relevant box office records" I mean , "only box office records that pertain to The Dark Knight." Despite my lack of interest in and familiarity with the franchise , I'm not against the idea of it and I don't hate the people who love it or the cultural impact it's made . This franchise just missed me completely .
I'm certainly not one of those anti-populist folks who strategically avoids everything that gets embraced by the mainstream , I didn't avoid it simply because it's wildly popular ; I like The Beatles, Star Wars and all of Lost ; even the two that everyone else hates (Jack's Fucking Tattoo , Nikki and Fucking Paolo). I just had no interest in the series when the first book came out because by then, I was already too old and too much of a shithead to submit myself to a world of magic and wizards and broomsticks and muggles (a word I've often heard associated with Harry Potter that I've arbitrarily decided is either a sort of talisman that all -wizards need to collect to be the best wizard , or a kind of fuzzy, fantasy animal that is specific to the Harry Potter universe . I've drawn what I think it is below.)
But as an American , just because I haven't seen something , I can still judge it . To do this , I am going to watch every Harry Potter trailer having never seen any of these movies and , to the best of my abilities , summarize what I imagine they are about .
#1. Harry Potter and the Random Assemblage of Things That Happened At Him
The trailer opens on some owls and tiny accounting monsters that we won't actually need to see again for the rest of the trailer . We meet Harry Potter , a boy with hidden magic powers who is actually a wizard . Harry doesn't believe it , even though White Reggie Watts assures him that it's true . Harry then leaves wherever he was and follows Reggie to a special school for wizards and witches called Hogwarts . Then the plot stops happening , and we're just treated to a series of things . The at the school sit at a table and an owl flies around . The travel on a moving staircase . The learn about flying from a professor who is probably part cat . But , like , a terrifying cat .
The Cat Lady says , "Hold your hand over your broom and say 'Up.' " Harry does this , and his broom flies to his hand . This surprises Harry , which is weird because he already knows he's magic , and on the spectrum of commands that enchanted brooms can follow "up" feels like a pretty basic one , relatively speaking . Like , Professor Cat-Witch is holding a class designed to teach you how to fly , and she tells you to yell "Up." What did you honestly think was going to happen ? Anyway , one of the other , whose name is Longbottom , loses control of his broom and starts to fly away . Professor Cat-Witch hates him because of it .
All in all , this feels tougher than most schools , as when I didn't understand Pre Calc ; I didn't almost die because of it and my teacher didn't scream at me on the very first day as a result .
Next we see Harry and a character who I know by being alive and aware of pop culture for the last few years is named Ron . They're on a train together , and Harry shows off a forehead scar that , because this is a movie about wizards , I assume is a magic forehead scar . Then Gandalf appears and explains that the aren't allowed to go in a forest or use their powers outside of class or visit the third floor corridor (violating the third rule is punishable by death) . The are seen doing these things anyway , because fuck this Gandalf character .
We're treated to action scenes ! There's a monster ! And a sword falls ! A man faints ! And we also see a three-headed dog , and I amend my previous assumption: It is possible that this is what a muggle is (though the trailer does not confirm this). There's also a chick wizard who seems kind of awful , but she's also obviously a big part of the franchise , so I imagine Harry will be nailing her at some point . The trailer ends with yet another incredibly old and unnecessarily creepy authority figure saying "We can expect great things from Harry Potter" even though the trailer is less of a plot and more of a series of seemingly unrelated magic things happening in an arbitrary order .
What I Think It's About
Harry , Ron and the Girl One spend their first year in Hogwarts School of Wizadry trying to piss off stodgy , old Principal Gandalf and shake things up . Alan Rickman is in this and he's clearly the bad guy . If someone has to get killed for being evil at the end of this movie , I'm saying it'll be him .
Also one of these wizards is clearly a Nazi and looks a lot like the asshole from Game of Thrones .
#2. Harry Potter and the Second Verse , Same As the First
We see the exact same shot from the first trailer , where White Reggie tells Harry he's a wizard , and then the narrator says that Harry's first year became legend . Then we cut to a shot of the school covered in snow , or what I'm calling "Hothwarts." And then we see more of the same stuff we saw in the first trailer . An owl flies through the cafeteria , a weird teacher does something irresponsible and the boy who is clearly a Nazi continues to exude Nazi-like symptoms. Harry and Magical Hitler Youth fly around on brooms punching each other , and Principal Gandalf complains about another thing people weren't supposed to touch that someone definitely touched (this time it's a chamber. Of secrets).
Oh , also Alan Rickman's still in the game , so I guess he wasn't evil , although he's probably just hiding his evil because fucking look at him. A cute little goblin thing shows up and tells Harry to go home . I'm going to go ahead and rescind what I've said previously and make a ruling : This thing is probably a muggle . It looks more muggle-like than all other contenders .
Then more action stuff ! Things explode , cars fly , people chase things , stuff glows ! Also , Maggie Smith , who is one of the Teacher-Witches but not the Cat-Witch explains to Harry that someone needs to be caught or else the school will close .
Which , frankly , seems like a lot to throw at a 10-year-old .
What I Think It's About
Harry, Ron and Girl One continue to have their adventures and things continue to happen to and around them . A new threat is facing the school in the form of a rival school that hates Hogwarts . Magical Hitler Youth has transferred to this rival school and challenges Harry and Hogwarts to a flying broom battle , and the winner gets the school ? Or all the magic ? The winner gets all the magic . Professor Alan Rickman is still obviously evil , but he puts that evil aside and joins forces with Harry to defeat the rival school , get all the magic and keep Hogwarts open . For now !
#3. Harry Potter and the GARY OLDMAN'S IN THIS ?!
This is a much darker and grittier 's movie about wizards . Harry and his friends are older , the Nazi is back at Hogwarts and Professor Alan Rickman is back to being evil and spooky . A bus almost hits a thing or whatever and who cares because GARY OLDMAN IS IN THIS MOVIE !! Dracula , you guys! He's the prisoner of (I assume) Azkaban , which is probably a place .
We see Girl One and Ron hold hands for a second , which doesn't do a whole lot for my "Harry's going to nail Girl One" theory . Harry is looking for someone who's killed his parents , and Commissioner Gordon is already here so if this movie had any damn sense it would just become Batman already . There's a new Gandalf in town . He's got a beard and is stodgy and old , but he's not quite the Gandalf we've seen before . He's some other equally-Gandalf guy .
He introduces us to the "Dementor" which is a hooded ghost monster of something with giant fingers . It's the first time I've seen something resembling an established villain in any of these trailers . Then , because too much plot was happening , we see a random scene of a fat guy who made a balloon out of another fat person (she probably ate too many muggles) but he just doesn't know what to do about it.
Then the Girl One punches the Nazi , which I guess makes her the Captain America of Hogwarts .
What I Think It's About:
At the end of the last movie , Harry and his friends beat their rivals in Broom-ball . They almost lost , but they found out at the last minute that Original Principal Gandalf was a traitor , working with the rivals the whole time . He gets kicked out of the school and replaced with Gandalf II , his brother .
Now that Hogwarts is safe , Harry has to solve the mystery of who murdered his parents. Will it be the Dementor ? Will it be Gary Oldman ? Gandalf II , Whitelectric Beardaloo ? Will it be Professor Alan Rickman ? Yes . I bet it is . He's definitely evil , why haven't they just arrested him and the Nazi yet ? How objectively evil do you need to dress before anyone in this universe takes notice ?
#4. Harry Potter and the Full Disclosure , I Started Drinking
It is just really difficult for me to care about these movies.
Everyone continues to not use "muggle" in a sentence even though it's a word I'm positive has something to do with this universe . Maybe it's a kind of hat or "muggle" means "broom". Maybe the muggle was inside of them the whole time . Maybe who gives a shit ?
This trailer's even darker and grittier than the last dark and gritty trailer. It opens with skulls and Dementors and lightning and rain . There's a big sports dome and everyone's really excited about it . There's a lot of talk about some kind of wizard sports tournament , except people might die in it , because there are dragons now . This is now the fourth movie where the possibility of dying was actually a legitimate part of the school's curriculum . Just seems like , if there are so few wizards in the world that they can all be contained to a single university , you might not want to murder them when they're all 12 .
Like all Harry Potter trailers , this one ends with a rapid fire montage of air-chases , explosions , screams and me doing a shot of whatever I can find in my kitchen .
What I Think It's About :
Since Gary Oldman isn't around anymore , it's clear that he killed Harry's parents and has since paid the price , but that's sort of unrelated to this particular movie . For Harry Potter and the Next Harry Potter Movie , they decided to do something different . In the way that Community will occasionally do tribute episodes , this is Harry Potter's tribute to sports movies . They've flown in folks from all over the world to compete in a long tournament , and Team Hogwarts is the group of scrappy underdogs that all need to work together . It's the one time of the year when good wizards and Nazis set aside their differences and join forces to turn this team of misfits into champions ! Gandalf II is their coach and Professor Alan Rickman is the grizzled, too-old-for-this-shit veteran (Tom Berenger in Major League II ).
Harry also hits on an Asian chick , which I think is a neat direction for this franchise to take .
#5. Harry Potter and the They're Not Even Trying To Make These Accessible to People Who Haven't Read the Books Anymore
This trailer is just a series of wand points and explosions . There's some mild exposition dropped in ; Principal Gandalf II has a problem that only Harry can solve , which shouldn't really be all that compelling anymore since it was established in every single other movie . Ron is in love with some chick we don't know and the Girl One hits Harry with a newspaper (which is a silly weapon for a wizard to use) . But after that , ghosts fly around, Professor Alan Rickman shoots stuff , Nazi stares in the mirror to pump himself up to do something aggressively Nazi-esque , one imagines , somebody screams "HARRY" and BOOM , more explosions .
What I Think It's About
There's something [blank] happening at Hogwarts, and it's up to fucking Harry to save the day . This is quite possibly the scariest and most evil [blank] to ever threaten the school , but Harry will rise to the challenge and learn that , in the end , [blank blank blank]. Professor Alan Rickman and Nazi McBitchface will inexplicably continue to live . Explosions .
#6. Harry Potter and the It's the Last One ! Hooray !
Last one , baby ! One more trailer and stop and feel like a normal member of society .
What is that thing with no nose ?! You a muggle ? Are you what muggles are ? OH SHIT HE'S SHOOTING LASERS AT HARRY ! OK , alright , good . Yes . And , hey , they brought that accounting monster back from the first one ! And now he's a driving monster ! My understanding of the monster hierarchy is , at best , shaky , but I believe this is a step up .
And look at that , Ron and Girl One are all up on each other . Really blew it with that "Harry nails Girl One" prediction . Oh well . Next , several characters I've never seen before get badass close-ups , and I imagine they're all very important (or , alternatively , covered in muggles). The trailer ends with the typical explosion and "HARRY" scream montage , followed by a shot of Harry and that fella with no nose shooting magic wand bursts at each other .
What I Think It's About
Ron and Girl One are going to work through their bullshit and fall in love , and then someone will realize that their lead doesn't have a love interest , so Harry will start hooking up with some other chick , like a magic James Bond . That dude without a nose who is clearly the bad guy won't die , but neither will Harry . In fact , nothing with any kind of closure will happen at all . At the end of the day , this movie looks like an incredibly expensive trailer for another movie (Part 2). Two hours of just filler ; just a bunch of magicians and monsters blowing shit up and shooting lasers at each other and chasing ghosts and oh my God why have I not watched these movies yet ??
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Attention versus attention slut (featuring 0 nude pictues of JLH)
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Posted:Jul 11, 2012 5:14 pm
Last Updated:Aug 31, 2012 3:14 pm
66876 Views
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I was reading an article the other day about "good" blogging (not for this crummy blog , for my real one) and one thing they mentioned was (in so many words) not being an attention . Which makes no sense to me . Isn't being an attention kind of the whole point of blogging ? Otherwise you'd be writing in a diary right ? Blogging in kind of reverse voyeurism right - instead of spying on someone unbeknownsts you're tossing your life/thoughts/dumb stories/whatever out into the public for whomever wants to "enjoy" them .
Sidenote , in the book "Eating the Dinosaur" there's an interesting chapter about how the real thrill of voyeurism is not in seeing something erotic or titillating , but in seeing something unexpected . Seeing someone undress through their bedroom window isn't really what gives people a charge because that's normal - seeing them cook a nice meal and then throw it all away is what stimulates them because it makes no sense , the mind is engaged . I don't know if its true or not but its interesting . Sidenote sidenote , I had an ex who was SUPER paranoid about people peeking in her windows while we were doing "it" . I can only assume that's because SHE did that all the time .
Anyway , to avoid attention whoring the article suggests that unless you're
1. A really great storyteller
or
2. Have a really great story to tell
You shouldn't blabber on about your personal life because its boring . Which is true , so far as it goes , most people's lives are boring most of the time . But that's not really what blogging is about right ? My life is boring as all get out to me , but it might be interesting to someone else . Its all a matter of perspective yeah ? For instance , I found out today the company I work for murders horses . Doesn't do much for me , but it might intrigue some of you . By this way this is still by a wide margin the least evil place I've worked , and yes I did work for the government .
But also I don't like the term attention - its not quite apt . Whores (like my neighbor) exchange sex for money . You would think then , that attention whores trade sex for attention . But while there are definitely people who do that , that's not really what the term attention is used for . Sluts on the other hand just have a lot of sex . So someone who wants a lot of attention should be an attention slut right ? Also have you heard about my new website fuck an attention slut ? The gag is you're already on it .
Topical !
Anyway , where was I ? Oh right , lying to my co-workers . I do it a lot . Too much really . I don't want to be rude , but I don't want them to know anything about me (nor do I want to know anything about them honestly) . When someone asks (as they seem compelled to do)
"Hey 40 , what you doing this weekend ?"
I can tell the truth and say
"I don't want you to know that , please walk away from me now ."
Or I can lie and say
"Oh , nothing much , just watch the game , throw back a few brews ."
So I can either be an asshole or a liar . I choose liar . Because I'm an attention slut probably . I was wearing my totally rad "Browncoat" shirt today and one of my co-workers (who doesn't wear a bra) asked me what that was . Now , you and I both know its a reference to one of the greatest TV shows ever "Firefly" . But what I said was this ;
"Its a reference to the Revolutionary War . You know for quite a while before war was officially declared there was fighting going on between the colonists and the British . And since there was no militia really at that point or any sort of army the fighting was done by rough and tumble criminal types - poachers and smugglers and various roughnecks of that type . The British hated them because they didn't follow the gentlemanly rules of warfare at the time , they fought dirty - attacking supply depots and skirmishing and picking the low hanging fruit and avoiding real massed battles as much as they could . It pretty much set the blueprint for American victory . Since they were poor folks mostly , and outlaws , they wore shabby brown clothes - and since they were fighting the Redcoats people called them the Browncoats . I admire them because I think that shows what's great about America - a lot of people here are basically assholes but they're willing to die for what they believe in ."
What the hell is wrong with me ?
And finally , I was playing basketball on lunch break with some of my fellow broke down fat old men , when the exchange that has happened in every pick-up game of basketball since the dawn of time bubbled up .
"Hey ! That's a foul !"
"Come on man , that was all ball !"
I've probably heard that 10,000 times in my life . And I always think to myself "there's an oral sex joke in there somewhere" but I've never come up with anything .
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Puttin' it on wax
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Posted:Jul 10, 2012 4:38 pm
Last Updated:Jul 11, 2012 4:44 pm
64858 Views
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As I was walking into the building where I work today I notice a surprisingly high number of non-ugly people milling around . I am a firm believer in the Seinfeld quotient ; 4-6 % of people are attractive , which is still better than the % of people who aren't totally incompetent (around 3) . My first thought was they were letting one of the poonhound managers hire temps again , but then I noticed by the elevator a sign that stated boldly
QUIET PLEASE VIDEO TAPING IN PROGRESS
Although I'm sure it was digital and not video at all . They were filming some sort of training video there . I don't see what was wrong with the one I saw when I was hired that was filmed in 1974 . I learned some valuable lessons about women and how they need to be given special consideration because of their smaller brain capacity . Also that 4-5 cocktails at lunch is fine , but don't go overboard . Good work 70's .
It also explains why all the good parking spaces were taken . Stupid actors taking my parking spot . I had to walk like 50 extra feet ! Anyway , point is if you're an actor I now hate you - sorry . On the plus side the lady who sits across from me was wearing perfume that actually smelled good - which is rare . Why is most perfume so rank ?
The book I'm reading right now is historical fiction about a woman who dresses up like a man in order to join the army and fight in the Civil War . Its pretty good , but the reoccurring joke is starting to wear a bit thin for me . You see every couple of chapters someone starts to suspect she might be a woman but then she does something completely stupid and/or revolting and then their suspicions are allayed . It was kind of funny the first few times , but come on . Its kind of symptomatic I feel of an exaggeration of male stupidity that seems to be "in" right now . Don't get me wrong , dudes are dumb as hell , I know because I am one .
But I feel like most male characters are not so much characters as they are caricatures in a lot of media these days . I think maybe the only thing more overblown that male stupidity is the complexity of females . Oh , women are so impossible to ever understand , they're all crazy , they make no sense , etc. Give me a break . But there's nothing I love more then reinforcing a stereotype so here goes .
One thing that confuses me is the ladies who spend all sorts of time and money plucking/waxing/shaving/whatever their eyebrows , eye lashes , underarms , legs , bikini zone , mega bikini zone , etc. but walk around with very obvious whiskers on their chin and/or a mustache any 13 year old boy would be proud to display . I dated a lady for a couple years who was religious about waxing her eyebrows (which is like $40 a pop apparently) but never did anything about her soul patch . I guess maybe its too embarrassing to do anything about it ? I don't know . I also dated a lady who got Ye Olde Brazilian wax (and whatever they call it when they wax your asshole) but she was okay with having sideburns .
And finally , my buddy who works for the DNR mentioned they identified a fish captured in Illinois as a pacu , a type of piranha known for biting ff human testicles . So , you know , watch out for that if you''re in the Land of Lincoln . Speaking of which has anyone seen Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter ? I liked the book but the movie seemed kind of lame from the previews .
And because I'm kind of OCD
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To link to this blog (40Deuce) use [blog 40Deuce] in your messages.
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