You can't give people freedom , they do weird stuff
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Posted:Aug 25, 2012 4:08 pm
Last Updated:Sep 1, 2012 6:55 pm
71791 Views
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My boss said that the other day . Internally I chuckled and thought to myself "I feel sorry for the poor fools that report to THAT guy ." Then I was sad because I remembered I was one of said fools . He's 100% right though . You never know what someones going to do .
Local music song of the day -MUMFORDS "FATHER IN THE SKY"
It drives me insane when people say "assless chaps" . I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure all chaps are assless , or at least the normal version of chaps . I admit its fun to say ass .
Ass , ass , ass , ass , ass
Woo !
And now , with apologies to my married readers , a story . Once in a great while a woman on this website contacts me completely unsolicited . And once in and even greater while they're not a robot or in some other way trying to scam me . This happened a while ago , and I was chatting away with said woman . I had read the profile part of her profile but didn't look at her "stats" until we had exchanged a few messages . I found out she was married and next time we talked I told her "I'm sorry , but I don't mess around with married ladies - its not a moral judgment its just not something I want to get involved with ."
That's my one rule . And according to the best movie ever the one rule I'll have to break to know the truth (that the only sensible way to live is without rules) .
Fun fact , that "its not a moral judgment" disclaimer does not help at all . They always get offended and yell at you . Anyway , she said her husband knew about what she was doing and was okay with it . For some reason I continued the conversation instead of just bailing - I'll call it stupidity . I told her that it didn't matter to me if he husband was okay with it , its not my cup of tea . She wanted to know why , there was a lot of yakking back and forth , and eventually I trotted out this old gem .
"Let no man rend asunder what god has brought together ."
Which I don't really cotton to , but she claimed that her Christianity was important to her so I thought that might bring things to a close . At which time she was heard to remark (well not really because it was typing but you know)
"We didn't get married by a priest or anything ."
To which I said (without thinking , I really wasn't trying to be an asshole)
"Oh , so you weren't really married then ."
She didn't like that .
Not
One
Bit
I will say , it was kind of funny for a lady trying really hard to screw around on her husband (who's okay with it) to talk about the "sanctity of marriage" . If you're reading this post lady , to answer your question - the shower is where I get off usually .
In other news True Companion now has a sex robot for only $7000 that has realistic sex seizures and everything . The funny thing is you have to plug it into the USB port on your computer for it to work . That amused me to no end for some reason . The robot is called Roxxxy and you can find videos of one of the guys that designed her talking about all the "upgrades" they've made its pretty hilarious . I have to admit I want to see a video of a dude humping one of those things and trying to pretend to enjoy it . And only sort of in a gay way .
Anyway , long story short once I save up 7Gs I am out of here .
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I want your sympathy - NOW
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Posted:Aug 21, 2012 4:02 pm
Last Updated:Aug 25, 2012 4:09 pm
72417 Views
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I got some really horrible news Sunday night and its kind of fucking with my head right now . I thought about blogging about it a couple times , but no one wants to hear about my dumb life and the bottom line is I just want people to feel sorry for me . So you know , do that . And if you condolences take the form of a lap dance I'm okay with that .
Local music song of the day - IRA GRACE AND THE BIBLE BELT PROPHETS "HOME"
I used to watch David Letterman all the time (Jay Leno blows) apparently he's kind of a sleazebag but I guess I kind of always knew that . Anyway one time Dustin Hoffman was on and he told the story about the first time he had sex . Which was essentially he was at a party and his brother put the moves on this girl and told her to wait in the bedroom for him with the lights off . Then he told Dustin to go in and have sex with her , which he did . He mentioned that later she found out they pulled the old switcheroo on her and she was super pissed . So basically Rainman someone I guess ? And then told the story on TV and everyone laughed . Which is a bit odd .
This weekend I was ditching several tons of old comics from my personal collection (don't worry I still have 19 tons of excess inventory from when my shop went belly up anyone need 22 copies of Dazzler #33 ?) when I came across an issue of Spiderman that was made in conjunction with Planned Parenthood . Which in retrospect makes sense that Spidey would be telling to wear condoms because Mary Jane died because of all the radioactive spunk he was shooting into her sniz (for real) . Sidenote when I mentioned that to someone they asked ;
"So was is mouth cancer ? Or butt cancer ?"
Which is kind of funny . Anyway , at the end they had sex tips - two of which where ;
"Masturbation won't make you insane"
"Being attracted to someone who's of the same sex doesn't mean you're homosexual"
First of all , I bet masturbation could absolutely make you go insane . You can't tell me that if you jacked it every 7 minutes that something in your brain wouldn't break . But I guess if you did that maybe you'd already be insane . Its kind of a chicken and egg situation .
The second thing seems awfully progressive for a comic from the 70's . That was back in the days of the Comic Code , I'm surprised they were even allowed to print the word homosexual . Also if you're attracted to people of the same same that is a pretty good indication that you ARE a homosexual right ? I'm not sure what point they're trying to get across there . Hopefully that its okay to be attracted to whomever .
Anyway , I guess that's it .
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Its time to set the record straight
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Posted:Aug 19, 2012 8:40 am
Last Updated:Aug 20, 2012 12:29 pm
72333 Views
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A lot of accusations have been leveled at me lately that are only partially true . Rather than respond to them individually I will address these subjects as an open letter to the general universe .
I am not a boob man
I grant you , I did one time post "I'm More Of A Breast Man And Completely Worthless Human Being , Myself" but that was a "hilarious" send up of the kind of stuff you read some many of my fellow male bloggers for "humor" and/or "humour" . I was recently accused to being a boob man , but while I love boobs (who doesn't ?) I will always remain loyal to my cheeky master , the butt (or ass if you will) . I am like Sir Mix-A-Lot in the sense that I like big butts (also we both starred in short lived drama series on UPN) but however I am unlike Sir Mix-A-Lot in the sense that I can lie about if (if need be) . To put it simply the butt is where its at . Also , where its at I have two turn tables and a microphone .
I am a satanist
Not the kind that poses as an easy listen Nazi rock band trying to lure intellectuals into believing what they already know to be true , or the kind the worships satan , but you know the other kind . I have been accused of being a nihilist (and not the Big Lebowski kind which weren't so bad really) which is not the case at all . I believe in satan . One time someone asked me why I believed in satan and I said "Because its the opposite of what I want to be true ." Its surprising to me when you look at the statistics of how many alleged Christians don't believe in the devil . I'll grant you the story doesn't make a lot of sense - how can you rebel against an omniscient and omnipotent being ? But its still a pretty important cornerstone of the whole Christ thing .
I have saved millions of lives
Well , not millions , but you know what I'm saying yeah ? I often (sometimes) say that proof that this is not a just universe is that the # of people I've had sex with is lower than the # of people who's lives I've saved . Recently someone suggested I've never saved anyone's life . False . When I was a lifeguard I saved dumb all the time . You what what are good at ? Fucking downing . YOu know what they're bad at ? Having parents who give a shit . I assume (hope) they were too busy giving each other handjobs and posting the videos on the internet . Also one time I pulled an old man out of the burning car . In slightly related news , I run in the Race for the Cure every year (none of my friends will ever do it with me so I guess they love breast cancer) but it turns out the whole thing is kind of a waste of time .
An awareness campaign for breast cancer was vital in , say , the '60s and '70s , when words like "breast cancer" were never even uttered in public (let alone plugged during an NFL game) . Today , however , everyone is aware of its existence , and there are maybe three women in America who don't know that they should be checking their breasts every once in a while . This means that all those campaigns are telling you things you already know full well , to the point that your brain is just starting to tune them out .
Not only are most awareness campaigns useless , they often actually harm their cause by misrepresenting the very problem they're trying to fight . Many breast cancer campaigns focus on how sexy boobs are , with clever slogans like "I grab a feel so cancer can't steal." Ignoring how weird it is that a bunch of men clearly sat around a board room and brainstormed ways to make their anti-cancer campaign sexy ("I want our audience to be like 'Finally, a cancer I can fuck'") it's also not helping . The young , perky women wearing a "save second base" shirt who are often closely associated with these campaigns are in fact among the least likely to get cancer . The more probable victims are in fact their grandmas , who tend to be pretty much ignored in these campaigns for the very simple reason of , well , granny boobs . The real tragedy is glossed over , which you may recognize as being the exact opposite of awareness .
So now when Breast Cancer Awareness month rolls around , we're thinking about pink shoes in the NFL , or pink buckets of KFC chicken , or hot college chicks with boob-related T-shirts, but never are we thinking about actual cancer victims .
The third, and by far the worst , issue is that participation in awareness campaigns makes people less likely to give actual money . Studies have found that people who do a good deed will use that as an excuse to cut back on other good behavior , so if you go out and get wasted on breast cancer vodka , you won't feel obligated to donate cold , hard cash . Why should you? You've already done your part .
I'm dumb as hell
My best friend is a guy called Squeezebox ? You know what out of all my friends he's the BEST ? Because he doesn't think I'm smart . I like that . I respect that . Lot of people seem to think I'm smart for some reason . I'm not . Excuse my French but I'm borderline retarded . I assume because I read a lot , I'm generally pretty quiet , I can do EXTREMELY simple math in my head , and I can form a complete sentence people think I'm smart . But I'm not . I incurred a ton of debt to go to a college I didn't like to get a degree in something I didn't care about . I turned down my first job offer after college because it wasn't enough money (it only took me 7 years to get another) . I watched every episode of Newlyweds : Nick & Jessica . I buy clothes without trying them on and then when they don't fit I don't return them . Plus you know , I'm on this website (no offense) .
I did too have an orgasm
I'll admit it , I've faked a couple times . I never understood why a woman would fake an orgasm until I was in a long term relationship . Then I figured it out . If its not going to happen and you're bored and just want to watch the Office its your best bet really . Which is horrible , but sadly its true . As a dude if you say "Hey , you know , its just not going to happen right now - I'm pushing rope here" no matter how solid your relationship is be prepared for the shitstorm of the century . Sometimes I think we men did ourselves a disservice by beating women down so much (metaphorically) in this country that all their self worth comes from their value as sex objects . You blew it 10,000 generations of men before me (especially you Ben Franklin) . Anyway , the point is , when I pop off (as the says) I don't make a big production about it . That's just the way I am . When I tell you I had an orgasm you can believe me , 97% of the time its true .
Sidenote , my first real girlfriend (i.e we had tons of sex) complained about that a lot . She once said "When I cum the whole apartment building knows about it !" Which is true , but why that's a good thing I don't know .
Anyway , thank you for your time . Consider the record straighten .
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Magic mole wrestling - catch the fever !
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Posted:Aug 16, 2012 4:40 pm
Last Updated:Aug 19, 2012 8:01 am
71985 Views
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This morning I was thoroughly examining my naked form in the mirror as I do every morning ,in the hopes that I've magically spontaneously turned into this dude overnight ;
The thing I hate about my body that I decided to obsess about today is all my moles . I have a big one on my neck I call Cuerno De La Pierna Del Cuerno De La Niebla . I like to imagine that when I'm asleep he assumes a humanoid form and fights crime . When I was a I had 0 moles . Then one time my bladder exploded (or so I remember) and after they did the surgery on me I developed tons of moles everywhere . What's the deal with that ?
I was pretty young , my only clear memory of that event is being in a wheelchair being taken to recovery . They gave me a tiny little dish that might hold half an ounce of liquid on a good day . I asked what it was for and they said in case I had to throw up . In case I have to throw up I'm supposed to do what with this ridiculously small thing ? That scared me as a . These people can't get me something bigger to puke into and they just cut me open ?
Last night a comely young lass accused me of being a "fake nerd" and that really I was a cool guy . I assume none of you share this delusion , but if you do let me disabuse you of that notion right now .
These are facts , about me , 40Deuce - the man .
From the years 1996 to roughly 2003 I wrote wrestling fan fiction . A lot . Almost every day . For hours on end . Let me repeat that .
Wrestling
Fan
Fiction
If I still had my old computer I would have literally thousands of pages of the stuff . Sidenote , the wrestling fan fiction community online is (or was anyway) shocking and disturbingly vast . And I was a part of it ladies and gentlemen ? Ever wonder what if would have been like if Raven won the TV title in 1997 ? Or if Hulk Hogan fell off a cliff and died on impact (like he so richly deserves) ? Or if Greg "the Hammer" Valentine was Stacy Valentine's real dad ? If so there's a story somewhere on the internet about it and I wrote it .
I play D & D on a regular basis . A lot of people like to say they're nerds because they played D & D in high school . I laugh derisively at them . I played D & D last week . I've played it pretty much every week since 1988 . That's 24 years folks . And god willing I'll be an old man playing D & D in a retirement home , accusing the robo-nurses of stealing my dice . I could tell you all about my 8th level Halfling Spellthief . He's in a bit of a pickle right now you see . He was trying to infiltrate a Graz'zt cult in the city of Mure and he was captured (after a ferocious battle of course) . The bad news is he was quickly transferred to a torture chamber that's protected again Scrying so my fellow party members can't find him with magic . What will become of Wex Redwand ? I already lost a human Paladin on this campaign , but I have a Half-Ogre Barbarian ready to go if Wex bites the dust too .
In other news I've come up with a sweet plan to get rich . You see movies and TV often use the same fake product names to avoid copyright issues . You've probably seen Oceanic Airlines , Finder-Spider search engine , Morley cigarettes , and F-mail many times without even realizing it . So what we need to do is start a real brand or company with these names - there's so much crap in production right now that the studios won't have time to change some of it . Then , we either get a sweet payout so they can release it or we hit them up with the business end of a lawsuit .
Hello , I'm 40Deuce and I'm the CEO of Oceanic Airlines .
And check this shit out Jeepers ;
According to Forbes 19 percent of Americans are happy with their jobs
Compare this to say , the number of people that believe earth has been visited by extraterrestrial biological entities ; 23%
And the number of people who think the moon landing was fake ; 26%
And the number of dudes who think they can fuck like a porn star ; 100%
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I guess people do read this blog (Holy hellbox !)
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Posted:Aug 15, 2012 4:23 pm
Last Updated:Aug 19, 2012 8:42 am
72127 Views
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I've never deleted a post before , but I took down the one I wrote on Monday . I'm not even sure why I posted it , it was pretty dumb . No one commented on it , but I did get a couple "Dude , what the shit" e-mails . Normally I leave up whatever dumb things spews out of my brain no matter what people think of it , but this time felt different . I've been in a weird mood lately . Maybe I'm getting my period .
Anyway , I will now return to traditional comedy .
Q. How do you get out of a headlock ?
A. With a headkey !
Ba-dum-dum
In other news the big boss lady of my department said this the other day ;
"I was held back in school a year because my teeth were in such bad shape ."
No , no you weren't . I'm sure that's what your parents told you , and god bless you for still buying that in your mid fifties , but you were held back because you sucked at school . It did make my wonder how much stuff I still believe that my parents told me is total BS . My mom mostly , my dad is a pretty straight shooter - I think if I was fed any lies they came from my mom . She does tell a lot of stories about stuff me or my sisters did that are 100% false , but they are good stories . Sometime I wonder if she really believes them .
I sent an e-mail earlier today about Hellboy Animated and the spellchecker wanted to change it to Hellbox . So I learned that hellbox is a word . Who knew ?
Hellbox - a receptacle where broken type letters are thrown after block style printing (or other various broken cast metals)
I think I might change the name of my blog to "From the Hellbox"
I've been thinking about this a lot - its from a pretty good book that's being made into a most likely crappy movie .
Let’s say you have an ax . Just a cheap one , from Home Depot . On one bitter winter day , you use said ax to behead a man . Don’t worry , the man was already dead . Or maybe you should worry , because you’re the one who shot him .
He had been a big , twitchy guy with veiny skin stretched over swollen biceps , a tattoo of a swastika on his tongue . Teeth filed into razor-sharp fangs , you know the type . And you’re chopping off his head because , even with eight bullet holes in him , you’re pretty sure he’s about to spring back to his feet and eat the look of terror right off your face .
On the follow-through of the last swing , though , the handle of the ax snaps in a spray of splinters . You now have a broken ax . So , after a long night of looking for a place to dump the man and his head , you take a trip into town with your ax. You go to the hardware store , explaining away the dark reddish stains on the broken handle as barbecue sauce . You walk out with a brand new handle for your ax .
The repaired ax sits undisturbed in your garage until the next spring when , on one rainy morning , you find in your kitchen a creature that appears to be a foot-long slug with a bulging egg sac on its tail . Its jaws bite one of your forks in half with what seems like very little effort . You grab your trusty ax and
chop the thing into several pieces . On the last blow , however , the ax strikes a metal leg of the overturned kitchen table and chips out a notch right in the middle of the blade .
Of course, a chipped head means yet another trip to the hardware store . They sell you a brand new head for your ax . As soon as you get home with your newly-headed ax , though , you meet the reAnimated body of the guy you beheaded last year . He’s also got a new head , stitched on with what looks like plastic weed trimmer line , and it’s wearing that unique expression of “you’re the man who killed me last winter” resentment that one so rarely encounters in everyday life .
You brandish your ax. The guy takes a long look at the weapon with his squishy , rotting eyes and in a gargly voice he screams , “That’s the same ax that beheaded me !”
Is he right ?
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Its an honor just to lose
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Posted:Aug 12, 2012 10:02 am
Last Updated:Jul 25, 2015 11:09 am
75053 Views
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This morning as I as walking about Home Depot looking for weed killer (hint its not in the lawn and garden section) some dude wearing a Pharaoh Randal t-shirt did some kind of gang sign at me and shouted "Karl wupped your ass !" At first I didn't know what he was talking about - I thought he was talking about George Karl , who I am still pissed at because the Sonics lost to the Bulls in 96 . But even if I did black out , get on a plane and fly to Denver , somehow find George Karl and fight him I may not win but I don't think I would get me ass whupped . I'll grant you he was an athlete in this youth and he's probably in better shape than me right now , but he's a 61 year old man with a heart condition . I think I could take him . If anyone wants to set up a UFC fight between myself and George Karl for charity I'm in . I know he's a big supporter of St. Jude's so you could probably get him to do it .
Anyway , then I figured out he was probably talking about the Perv Olympics . I checked out the results and I did indeed get crushed . I find it slightly amusing I got more nominations than votes . Also , while we're talking about voting how many people who hate Mitt Romney would vote for him anyway if he had announced that his VP candidate was Launchpad McQuack ? I would .
So yeah , I lost , but Karl has a mustache . You can't compete with that . Plus I heard one time he saw a real live naked lady , so he's kind of my hero .
So that's the good news . The bad news is that apparently I'm a homophobe and a racist , and I hate women . Which is a bummer , but I've always kind of suspected as much . I know this because I was told this morning - before I went to Home Depot (also the weed killer I bought leaked all over the trunk - can I sue someone ?) Yesterday the dude who left his pregnant girlfriend and young in the car on a 100 degree day for hours while he screwed my neighbor was back . Again , preggo and left in the car while he went inside - it was a nice day yesterday though so I didn't feel as bad about it .
I don't know what happened , but the end result was a couple hours later the dude drives off and leaves the lady and there . What little bit of altruism I have left kicked in and I went out and offered to drive them wherever . She declined , but did ask to use my phone so she could call someone to pick her up . No problem . She calls and we sit around making awkward small talk for a while . She was even nice enough to pretend I had Star Wars toys around for my nieces to play with and not because I'm a huge nerd . The broke my lightsaber , but hey , it wasn't one of my GOOD lightsabers anyway .
Eventually I run out of things to say and we just stare at each other for a while until she lets me off the hook and says I can go back to doing whatever it was I was doing . Doing laundry and cleaning up around the house is weird when there's a pregnant lady sitting on your couch watching Spanish language soap operas . Actually its probably not weird at all if that lady is your wife , but you know . A few hours later I wonder what the deal is here . Turns out the dude coming to get her doesn't get off work until 5 . She could have mentioned that , but then again I guess I didn't ask .
Seven o'clock rolls around and again , I'm wondering what the deal is . Also I'm fucking starving because I didn't want to make something for myself and not offer them anything . I ask her about and she she says "Oh (name removed) isn't very reliable , he'll be here though ." Awesome . Just as I'm working up a stroke about that he dude shows up . Cool , I was getting all worked up over nothing . He brought food too , I like this guy already . I like him a little less an hour later when they're still there chatting away . He starts talking about some great sex he had with his boyfriend last night and I excuse myself . I guess in retrospect I should have said "Excuse me for a minute" rather than "I don't want to hear this , I'm going in the other room" .
Eventually they all get into the car . Which doesn't start . Of course it doesn't . Long story short , YAY my first houseguests ! I sleep on the floor with a pillow and a sheet while a pregnant lady and a gay dude sleep in my bed - just as I imagined when I became a homeowner . I actually got the best night sleep I've had in a while so maybe floor+pregnant lady+gay dude is the winning combination . I'll spare you the gory details , but they did a lot of stuff this morning that pissed me off . #1 on the list I will mention . The kept coming into the bathroom while I was in the shower and pulling back the curtain and looking at me . And not in a ha-ha are stupid way , this really wanted to see my penis .
Some other dude is coming to get the car running again , but I've had enough of this nonsense and I ask them to wait outside . They didn't like that .
Not
One
Bit
And they weren't shy about letting me know what they thought about me . It was not complimentary . Honestly though , if they had been white I probably would have kicked them out a lot sooner because if they were speaking English the whole time I would have understood their dumb conversations and reached maximum annoyance a lot sooner .
On the plus side now I can say I've had a girl in my bed at my house .
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I like to be the heiny because that's where the booty shakin happens
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Posted:Aug 11, 2012 7:38 am
Last Updated:Aug 13, 2012 6:31 pm
71378 Views
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Friday was Janmashtami in some parts of India (apparently the Hindu calender is kind of complicated) , which at the risk of being culturally insensitive is not one of the better Indian holidays . Many of them are celebrations of some bad ass king or whatnot wailing on various demons - most of which have 17 boobies (and you can extrapolate how many vaginas) . But this is just an observance of the birth of the 8th avatar of Vishnu , which sure is important , but it doesn't have a lot of cache you know ? By the way if I was going to choose one avatar of Vishnu to be my roommate it would be the 4th - that dude was pretty much the same as Lion-o from the Thundercats , which would be cool .
So , in the interest of cultural diversity , in honor of our Indian co-workers across the sea we had a dance off between a 4 people in 2 person costumes and a team in a dragon costume - I believe it was the Supreme Business Opening and Happy Event Celebrations (which was the one that was on sale when we went to the store) . Now last year I wasn't allowed to participate because I had competed in two personal dance challenges (I was robbed the second time , I should be undefeated) but this time I got in - which is pretty sweet .
Now the problem is that everyone wants to be in the dragon , because lets face it , dragons are way cooler than horses , unless you're a preteen girl . (Disturbing sidenote many psychologists believe that interest in horses is because riding a is a safe way to begin to explore sexuality) And the other issue is if you don't get to be the dragon then there's the dispute about who has to be the ass end . Its usually pretty acrimonious - which is not a good way to start a team based dance routine .
So I volunteer to be on Team Alpha , and further , I volunteer to be the "back" . And I'll tell you why . The dragon may look cooler sure , but its actually very limited when it comes to showing off your dance moves . If you're in the middle you pretty much can't do jack other than follow along - its only the person up front and to a lesser extent at the back that get to get their swerve on (if I can coin a phrase) . And honestly , even they are somewhat limited because they're got a congo line going on really - there's no a terribly lot you can do with that .
But the has two things going for it . First there's two horses , so right off the bat you can do some formation work . Sure the dragon can do some tight spiralation and some pretty cool serpentine stuff if you know what you're doing , but is it better than side by side synchronized horsework ? Doubtful . That's for the judges to decide really , but the point is you have a lot more options with two horses over a single dragon . I mean if you can do a tours chaînés déboulés in a 4 person dragon costume you're a better man than I .
But secondly with the you also have the option to briefly detach (I checked the rules , you can do it as long as its not "excessive") which gives you a 4 person dance crew to work with . Not for long , but hey , you don't need long with 4 people to work with right ? That's the standard crew size for the love of Zod . Its not a lot of time like I said , but its plenty to get crunk - especially because two of these people are going to have heads . That makes a difference .
Now , I volunteered to be the behindus partially to be nice - its basically a human centipede(note to self - new idea for a superhero Centi-Pete and this wife Milly-pede) type situation and no one wants that (if you do please see a mental health professional ASAP) and you know , I'm nice . But also I like to be the one backing that stuff up for Santa (if I can coin a phrase) . I have "Shake yo rumpha" tattooed on my lower back for a reason - and that reason is not that I passed out from huffing paint fumes at my buddy Squeezebox's house and he took me to a tattoo parlor .
Anyway , a good time was had by all , and I like to think its the kind of thing the 8th avatar of Vishnu would have enjoyed - I hear he was a bit of mischievous sort . And really , the whole point of this exercise , aside from cultural inclusivity (if I can make up a word) is to show that there's no hard feelings to our Indian brothers and sisters . Is our site going to be closed down and all our jobs moved to India in the next five years ? Yes (but its not outsourcing - we had a big meeting explaining how it was not outsourcing - meetings about how your job is going to go away and why that's a good thing are the best) Is this happening essentially for no good reason and will provide no benefit to the company ? Yes . But that's no reason to be a jerk about it right ?
I've been interviewing for jobs left and right - if I was offered a great job and someone came up to me and said "You know , they closed an office in India and moved that job here" that wouldn't stop me from taking it . Would I feel bad ? A little . But business is business right ? I mean what kind of world would this be if we didn't allow corporations to restlessly and ruthlessly pursue the bottom line without any regard for human life ? A better one maybe , but a bag of Doritos would cost $14 . So I think we're even really , in the final analysis .
Also battement tendu derrière is what we should call anal sex from now on - it sounds better .
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40Deuce vs. Liberace's Ghost
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Posted:Aug 6, 2012 3:47 pm
Last Updated:Aug 9, 2012 4:07 pm
71697 Views
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There's not much I'm sure of in this life , but thing I do know is that ladies love getting it on with gay dudes . Why I don't know exactly . I presume they just like the idea of being with someone who listens to them - I'm sure the grooming and wearing nice clothes doesn't hurt either .
Human sexuality can be a mysterious thing . How do we fall in love ? What fans our desire ? Should it always hurt this much when urinating ? I don't pretend to have the answers to any of these questions . I hold no special insight or sexuality degree , but I didn't let that stop me from writing an article about gay dudes who've had sex with a bunch of ladies . When you have an idea this important , you can't let gross incompetence or abject sexual stupidity stand in your way .
I decided early on I'd need some sort of criteria for fitting people into the categories of "straight" "gay" or "other". For the most part (with exception) I've tried to include only men here who've seen themselves as gay . For example , you won't see David Bowie on this list . Has he had a bunch of gay sex ? Surely . But he's also had so much straight sex that if you put his men over his women in a sexual fraction , the numerator would pretty much drop to zero . He's also been married to supermodel Iman for like 20 years . What I'm saying is , to make this list it takes more than some gay sex . You either had to declare your gayness at some point or - and this is the tricky part - I had to insist that you were gay solely for the purposes of this post. That's right . Sometimes I use my power as a blogger to overrule a celebrity's claims of bisexuality and shove him forcibly into the gay category . Yep , I said it . I like to force things onto bisexual celebrities . Maybe I'm just jealous of their ability to land high quality female tail .
Little Richard's musical significance cannot be overstated . As a singer , songwriter and pianist , he is a towering figure , helping define both rock and soul music with hits like "Tutti Frutti" and "Good Golly , Miss Molly". He is a member of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the Songwriter's Hall of Fame , and he's the winner of the Rhythm and Blues Foundation's Pioneer Lifetime Achievement Award .
There's no debate that Little Richard has had all sorts of gay sex , and in 1995 , he told Penthouse magazine that he was gay . If there were any doubt, there's also 60 years of rock-and-roll fabulousness supporting the orientation . Sometimes , he's called himself "omnisexual" and at other times - like when he became a born-again Christian - he's claimed to be heterosexual . But if you read some of his authorized biographies there's plenty of gayness to be had.
Maybe Richard just needed to meet the right women . . . women like his on again, off again girlfriend since 1956 , Audrey Robinson (aka Lee Angel). Ms. Robinson had a certain something the boys didn't ; Specifically, she was a 16-year-old girl with a 50-inch bust and 18-inch waist . She tells it this way in a GQ interview :
"I was not a fan," Angel tells me over lunch in a hotel near her home in West Hollywood. "I was just walking down West Broad Street, in Savannah. Richard looked out of that window, and sent for me ... I said to the person he sent down: 'Who wants me? Little Richard? Excuse me? Is he aware that I am a girl?'
She was captivated "from the second I met him. I almost fainted. I felt weak at the knees. I went through all the classic signs of falling in love. With Richard, I have had a lot of firsts."
During one of his Christian phases , he also married Ernestine Campbell for four years . Oh, and apparently , he participated in a hosts of orgies throughout the '50s where apparently some straight sex slipped in when he wasn't paying attention .
Best known for his indelible performance as Norman Bates in Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho , Anthony Perkins was an incredibly gifted actor . Aside from his critically acclaimed performance in Fear Strikes Out , I'd also encourage anyone to watch the much maligned and underrated sequels Psycho II and Psycho III solely for Perkins' unrivaled ability to convey emotion through the tiniest facial movements .
This is slightly dicey because Perkins identified himself as straight later in life , claiming to have been "cured" by psychotherapy . Still , it's hard to overlook all that sex he appears to have had with actor Tab Hunter , composer Stephen Sondheim , dancer Rudolf Nureyev and dancer-choreographer Grover Dale . And perhaps even gayer , he apparently rejected the advances of Jane Fonda and Brigitte Bardot.
I don't want to impugn his claimed heterosexuality , but I'm going to have to insist that any man who doesn't lose his straight virginity until he's 39 is either gay or me . (Hopefully , later this year . Fingers crossed !)
Perkins' long gay stretch (which sounds far more homoerotic than intended) ended in 1973 when he was 39 . Apparently, while filming The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean , he met a young co-star named Victoria Principal who managed to do what Jane Fonda and Brigitte Bardot could not . His newfound heterosexuality led him to marriage . On August 9 , 1973 , Perkins married photographer Berinthia "Berry" Berenson . The couple had two sons and remained married until his death in 1992 .
And of course , the man himself
Rock Hudson was the epitome of the straight , masculine movie star of the '50s and '60s . Urban legend holds that in his prime , Rock was so handsome that one out of every 10 American men turned gay just by looking at his movie posters . Rock was so manly that when he visited the Australian Outback as a , he devoured no fewer than five dingos . Rock had so much testosterone that once when he was playing Battleship , his aircraft carrier spontaneously grew a penis . His name was Rock for christsake . Also , Rock was super gay .
There's not much argument on this one . Rock lived most of his life as the quintessential closeted movie star . He also did it kind of badly , because according to some colleagues , Hudson's homosexuality was well known in Hollywood . Former co-stars Elizabeth Taylor , Susan Saint James and Carol Burnett all claimed they knew of his homosexual activity . Still , he maintained the public lie until his AIDS diagnosis brought public attention to the disease and his orientation . How devoted was he to being closeted ? Even in Pillow Talk where he's portraying a straight man pretending to be gay , he's super bad at it . After all , you don't want to be too convincing .
But when you look like Rock , I'm guessing it's just kind of hard to go too long without vagina finding you . Yes , there was his marriage to Phyllis Gates , which lasted three years . But by many accounts that was a publicity stunt to quell the gay rumors . Gates was Hudson's agent's secretary .
But former B-movie bombshell Mamie Van Doren also insists that Rock proved to her he was "at least bisexual" . You can read about it on her website of "bedtime stories: . Oh , apparently , Rock had pretty impressive genitalia , too . Thanks for the heads up , Mamie ! Now please play mahjong or join a book club like a normal old lady .
In other news it was 97 degrees yesterday and this morning I had to wear a coat - A COAT !
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Keep it hid
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Posted:Aug 5, 2012 9:43 am
Last Updated:Aug 7, 2012 4:05 pm
71617 Views
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I wear shorts during the summer , probably not that startling of a revelation (mostly because its not okay for dudes to wear capris for some reason) . But I always make sure my knees are covered because knees are gross . Cover up your knees people - no one wants to see that . Actually somewhere there is a guy who probably REALLY wants to see your knees . Avoid that guy . Now if you're a dude this his easy - wear pants or shorts long enough to cover your knees . Easy peasy (unless you're a basketball player in the 1970s) . For a lady though , let me say that I am in now way discouraging you from wearing short shorts and/or scandalously brief skirts (or being nude) just throw on some kneepads . Not only does it prevent people some seeing your unsightly knees , but it also gives you some protection in case you need to go into a controlled slide during intercourse .
Now then , the other day I was chatting with a young lady and she said to me "40 , why are there so many ugly people in the world ?" I of course , reminded her that we're all beautiful in the eyes of god , and then I told her why . Good looking guys have lazy sperms .
Studies have shown that there's a connection between how attractive you are and your sperm count , and it's not the one you think - unattractive males are more fertile . You might think that this makes the opposite of evolutionary sense , but evolution knows what it's doing , which is why you're not in charge of it .
Here's the deal - nature already assumes that attractive guys are getting more action , but that doesn't mean they're able to produce sperm faster than anyone else , so biology forces them to conserve their ammunition . If you're unattractive , on the other hand , your junk knows that each time it comes into contact with lady parts might be the last , so it gives it everything it's got .
Which is kind of a bummer if you're a lady and you wake up next to some scumbag who seemed alright after 17 jello shots - not only did you bang the elephant man but its more likely you got knocked up by him .
Round 1 - Apethargically fight !
The word on the the street is that I've been nominated for funniest blog for the Per Olympics . I'm flattered of course , but there are two problems with this nomination .
1 - I am both juicing and doping (and crumping)
2 - My blog is not funny (nor is it intended to be)
I can see how some people might find some of the things I write funny , but they're missing the point . The key , as always , is in the subtext . My blog post "Lets Get (Meta)Physical" might seems like a humorously written piece of masturbatory fantasy about plowing Olivia Newton-John (circa 1981) but the truth is hidden in the undercurrent . Lets Get (Meta)Physical is actually saying that you , and I , and everyone we know is going to die frustrated and sad and nothing can change that fact .
The Showroom of Compassion is not humor , its a dark and dangerously thought-provoking delve into the cruel nature of the universe . The Showroom of Compassion does not try to make you laugh , it rips the blindfold off your eyes and makes you see the cosmos for what it is .
The true message of the Showroom is that from day one society is this violent , complicated dance and everybody had taken lessons but you . Knocked to the floor again , climbing to your feet each time , bloody and humiliated . Always met with disapproving faces , waiting for you to leave so you'd stop fucking up the party .
The wanting to push you outside , where the freaks huddle in the cold . Out there with the misfits , the broken , the glazed-eye types who can only watch as the normals enjoy their shiny new cars and careers and marriages and vacations with the .
The freaks spend their lives shambling around , wondering how they got left out , mumbling about conspiracy theories and bigfoot sightings . Their encounters with the world are marked by awkward conversations and stifled laughter , hidden smirks and rolled eyes . And worst of all , pity .
That piece I wrote about getting shaggy in the bathroom at the DMV ? That was actually a scathing indictment of the healthcare system in this , the wealthiest country in the world . That thing I wrote about peeping on my pregnant ex-girlfriend and getting bitten by a badger after I fell out of a tree ? If you read between the lines there , you know that the true horror of human life is not that there isn't a god - but that there IS . There is a all powerful being out there that loves and and could stop us from being horrible to each other . And every day it doesn't do it . Its lets us murder and and do awful things . It is a parent who makes no effort to stop its from mutilating each other . Especially the part about how I wanged my junk on a knot in the tree as I fell . Especially that part .
The Showroom doesn't exist to make you laugh , its not a party clown . Or maybe it is - something that should be amusing , but is really just a sad reminder of how little you've grown as a person . How irrevocable death is just around the corner . How you're just a dead person who hasn't died yet .
Except the story of the first time I had sex - that was funny .
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Its my BIRTHDAY - drop those panties !
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Posted:Aug 4, 2012 8:28 am
Last Updated:Aug 5, 2012 8:59 am
72697 Views
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I have to admit , even as I I was never into celebrating my birthday that much . I don't like cake and I never got presents I wanted . I was kind of an acquisitive jerk when I was a - I guess most of us are . The last time I had a birthday party or got presents was when I was 11 . My birthday party was a couple days before we we moving to a new town so I was kind of depressed and angry . But what really pissed me off is that all my BFFs who were at the party didn't seem to really care that I was leaving . I got mad enough I trashed the garage - which is pretty much the only time in my life I ever did anything that got me in trouble with my parents (for an acquisitive jerk I was also a goody-goody) . Anyway , after that I decided I had had enough of this whole birthday BS .
But , since it is my birthday , if you wanted to send me a totally nude picture of your naked body I wouldn't mind . A catwoman costume is also acceptable .
So I'm 35 years old now . The good news is that I don't need my fake ID to buy ultraporn anymore . The bad news is , you know what ? There is no bad news . This next year of my life I'm going to be a little bit more positive . I mean check this out , the three year anniversary of the last time I had sex came and went and I didn't even realize it (I am still going to mention that a lot - sorry) that's a step in the right direction .
I know its like an accepted thing , but I've always found the idea of "special" birthday sex to be kind of insulting . Ever woman I've dated has gone down that path , but to be its kind of like saying "You're gross and I hate touching your flabby little member but I guess its your birthday so I have no choice ." Also there's usually not anything special about it - same old sex with a stupid hat on or something . Maybe she'll turn off the gay porn for a couple minutes , you know , something like that .
I plan on living at least 7 or 8 thousand years , but statistically speaking if that doesn't pan out the way I want my life is close to being half over . I'd give the first half a solid B , maybe a B+ if you forget about the time I did a "hilarious" fake proposal - which even if I do live to be 8000 will still the most horrible thing I've ever done in my life .
The second act is probably going to be even better . I own a home now so I can wander around naked all I want - that puts me in A- territory right there . Plus I don't really care about anything anymore - people are stupid , the world is going to hell in a handbasket , things cost more than they used to , blah , blah , blah . Doesn't bother me anymore . So I'll be a lot happier , I was pretty angsty in my younger days , I guess that's normal too .
My birthday is apparently also National Underwear Day . Which is okay I guess . I hate pants (except for the part where they keep monsters from eating our legs) but I got nothing against underwear . Its also Coast Guard Day . So if you see someone in a coast guard uniform give them a high five . Or a blowjob . Your choice . Its also the Anniversary of Huancavelica in Peru , which sounds awesome but is actually just a founder's day celebration .
Billy Bob Thornton was born on the same day as me - he's been in some good movies and he nailed Angelina Jolie back when that still meant something - so that's cool . Also Jeff Gordon and Richard Belzer but its harder to get excited about that . If Louis Armstong was still alive we'd go out and get wasted together because it his birthday too . And trust me , with Louis Armstrong as your wingman you get all kind of action . Sadly he's dead , dead , dead and he's never coming back . I know what you're thinking "But 40 , couldn't you dig him up and with some Weekend at Bernie's style action get all the chicks you want ?"
Yes , yes I could . But graverobbing and corpse puppeteering are a young man's game - being the mature 35 year old man that I am now I must leave such hijinks to those that will follow in my footsteps . Its a bittersweet moment when you realize you have to lay down your corpse digging shovel , but its a day that comes for all of us in time . But new challenges await , and I for one welcome them .
I didn't post for a few days and now more people are watching my blog , what's up with that ? This oughtta drive things back down where they belong .
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We was defrocked (Handjobs and wedding plans)
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Posted:Jul 31, 2012 4:30 pm
Last Updated:Aug 2, 2012 3:26 pm
72400 Views
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I've mentioned before that I have a childhood friend who became a priest (who's a bit of a drunk) - well now I have a childhood friend who used to be a priest (I guess we can't call him Father Jagerbomb anymore) . Turns out he had a wife and a and whatnot - I knew he had a secret girlfriend when he was in seminary school , but this secret family thing was news to everyone . Now I know why he never showed up for anything - it makes perfect sense now that I know what the deal is , married dudes are rarely allowed to leave the house unless they're fetching something .
I didn't get all the details , but even though he's not a priest anymore he's still somehow doing all the stuff a priest does . Doesn't sound very Catholic to me , I thought those types were pretty hardcore about enforcing meaningless rules (no offense , well some maybe) . I assume its all a scam and really the Vatican ninjas have been dispatched to make him "take a sabbatical" . Its all a bit weird . A lot of my friends are pissed at him for keeping the whole "I have a wife and " thing under wraps , but honestly that doesn't really bother me . Normally being lied to really aggravates me , but if I don't have to waste time making small talk with your dumb wife or playing with your stupid so much the better . That probably sounds pretty mean , and it is I guess .
In other news I had a massage yesterday - normally I go wherever they have a special but I figured I'd give the lady who keep smashing her boobs in my face another try . I mean why not ? Who doesn't like boobs in their face ? And there was much boob smashing . Also this time she kept brushing her hand across my junk too . I've never gotten aroused before during a massage , but this was an excessive amount of junk touching . I would have thought maybe she was into me if she hadn't been blabbing about her upcoming wedding the whole time . It did get me to thinking though , if somehow it was legal/moral/ethical to get a happy ending how much would I pay for that ? Maybe $10 . I think I've talked about this before - a handjob just isn't all that desirable right ?
In my experience ;
70% of masseuses tell me to keep my underwears on
20% of masseuses leave the underwears up to me
10% of masseuses tell me to take my underwears off (one got mad at me when I didn't and pretty much ripped them off)
I tend to find the competence of the masseuse follows the same way - with some exceptions . I assume the more experienced you are the more comfortable you are with a totally nude fellow like myself .
As I'm sure you all know , despite the fact that I am not a 13 year old boy or a drunken redneck I quite like professional wrestling . Once upon a time where was a wrestling promotion called ECW , which was one of the best ever . One of their yearly events was called Hardcore Heaven . The other day I decided I needed to buy Hardcore Heaven 2000 on the DVD because it has one of my favorites matches of all time (Steve Corino vs. Yoshohiro Tajiri) so I went a-shopping on my old pal the internet . Straight up search-engine wise you know how hard it is to NOT find porn when you're looking for "Hardcore Heaven" ? Fairly hard .
While we're on the subject anyone who took a couple psych classes in college riddle me this - why do I so abhor real violence (like UFC) but love fake violence ? Sometimes I wonder if I'm the same way about sex . Watching two professionals go at it on the TV ? I can get behind that . The idea of my revolting body flapping up on down on some poor lady ? Less exciting .
I feel like there was something else I was going to say but now I can't remember . Something about Superman maybe ? I don't know . It was probably pretty great whatever it was .
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You bet your ass
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Posted:Jul 29, 2012 9:04 am
Last Updated:Jul 31, 2012 4:04 pm
72171 Views
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I'm always trying to think of great ideas to make the world a better place (specifically the world would be a better place if I was rich) I'm one of those idea men you're always hearing about on the radio . I just had a flash of inspiration . An adult game show called "You Bet Your Ass" .
You see Western game shows reward knowledge . Eastern game shows punish ignorance . Why not bring the two together ? After all if you really want someone to learn you need the carrot AND the stick . (Note to self - idea for comic , Carrotman and his sidekick Stickboy)
Basic idea , you answer questions right like on Jeopardy (not the dumb questions they have on Jeopardy now but the real one's they had 10 years ago) if you get the answer right you win money . If you get the answer wrong you get fucked in the ass . If you want you can use your money to buy lube .
This is a billion dollar idea if ever there was one .
Also when I was in college I tried out for Jeopardy . I learned that the reason people buy vowels on Wheel of Fortune even when the puzzle is patently obvious is before you go on the air they pretty much tell you you have to . I also learned that I "don't have enough personality" for Jeopardy . For Jeopardy ! You know how boring and stiff those losers on Jeopardy are ? And I can't even live up to that level ? That annoyed me to no end . I did the best in the practice rounds but I didn't get on the show because I'm a black hole of charisma .
In other news I was chillin with my running crew the other day and one of them made some mention of how he was "a sex machine" which solicited the comment in reply "You're a dildo ? Good luck with that Mr. Dildo ." A pretty good burn , sure , but it would have been better with vibrator . I know intellectually that a dildo is technically a mechanically powered machine , but when most people think of machines they think of electrically powered and/or motorized . Its like knowing that an inclined plane is "technology" but come on , you know ?
And finally , I've noticed a lot of people posting pictures of porn "stars" they like so in the interest of going along with the crowd ;
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To link to this blog (40Deuce) use [blog 40Deuce] in your messages.
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