Broke or made better ?
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Posted:Dec 4, 2012 6:57 pm
Last Updated:Feb 12, 2013 12:45 pm
73392 Views
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Sometimes people tell me I ruined their life . Which I don't believe , but if true kudos to me . Because adversity is the only way people grow right ? I did them a favor .
The other day at work someone was cussing because their had found their Christmas presents . When I was a sometimes I'd unwrap my presents , take them out of the box and then wrap up the empty box so I could enjoy them before Christmas . Also when I was in 5th grade I ran a gambling ring on the playground . I was kind of a screwed up in retrospect .
I think the straw of the camel back has been broken . The culprit an article on A Gals Guide to Love and Life (why was I reading it ?) the five mistakes women make in bed . RE DIC ULOUS . The gist of the entire thing was that men's ego is all tied up in their skill at lovemaking so you need to flatter them and cater to their needs and whatnot . A direct quote ;
"Nothing will turn off your partner faster than you telling him what you DON'T like and what you don't want taking place"
Yes , because the key to great sex is NOT communicating right ? Just hope for the best and try not to cry while he jams his big toe in your butthole right ?
I officially hate everything and everyone . Thanks A Gals Guide to Love and Life . I will say their article , the 7 pieces of lingerie every woman should have was pretty solid .
There are 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 sea worms in the oceans - if they came onto land every square mile would be buried 28 feet deep with them
In January 10.5 billion hours were spent on facebook - the equivalent of 887 thousand years
If you could fold a piece of paper 42 times it would reach the moon
Open a new deck of cards . Shuffle it seven times . No deck that has ever existed has the same order of the cards you're holding .
The great pyramid of giza less than 500 feet tall was the tallest man made structure for over 4000 years
Every second the sun creates more energy than 200 million times all the atomic weapons every created . Nearly ever single joule of it is wasted .
Half the population of Uganda is under 15 years old
If every single person in the world moved to South Africa tomorrow the population density would still be less than Tokyo right now
93 times more people die from contact with hot tap water than shark bites
Diabetic's urine can be turned into whiskey due to the high sugar content
If the earth was shrunk down to size , even with all the mountains and valleys it would be smoother than a billiard ball
On an analog TV set tuned to a dead channel 1% of the static is radiation left over from the big bang
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Someone set up us the bomb (make your time)
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Posted:Nov 29, 2012 5:30 pm
Last Updated:Dec 3, 2012 4:10 pm
73872 Views
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When I got into the office today I had 73 e-mails in my inbox from one of our friendly fellows in India . The subject line seemed to be saying there was something wrong with a pending timecard , which didn't seem to have anything to do with me , but I took a look . The body of the e-mail was simple an image of a pornographic nature .
Here's what porn looks like if you're not familiar , and assuming I'm allowed to post images today (I think I;m starting to understand the pattern of what they will and will not let me post)
Turns out this gentleman had sent these messages to everyone in the global address book - about 15 million people . I believe this is known as a "porn bomb" (which is what Clinton staffers allegedly did to George W) . I'm guessing his dumb social media website status at the time was "disgruntled" . Possibly because he lives in India , which I've heard is not so great for most of society . Now sending out porn to a bunch of people doesn't seem like a great way to get revenge to me . Its kind of funny I guess but everyone just deletes it and goes on with their day right ? No harm done . Turns out I was way wrong . About 2 million people replied "to all" saying "ew gross" or whatever - which is 60 trillion e-mails . Which means servers exploding . Which means for about an hour the whole system went down . Which means the company lost millions of dollars . So good work on the revenge guy who will never work in an office again .
It got me to thinking , the pictures were of white people - if you're a dude in India and you search for porn is it Indian porn or the porn I see when I search ? Did he have to get white people porn specifically or is that just what he gets ? When I want to see Indian ladies getting blasted in the ass (as I almost always do) I have to specify that . Does the dude in India ? That would really annoy me if I was an Indian dude in India and I had to specifically look for Indian porn .
Speaking of workplace follies , as I've mentioned before (not because its all that interesting but because I'm fascinated by it) in the bathroom closest to me at work the stall is very large - easily 4 times the size of a normal handicap stall . Also the door is in the middle of the stall rather than on the end so I'm always worried when I go in there someone's laying in wait to jack me with a sock full of pennies . I was in there today (damn Canjun meatloaf) and I realized that while I had changed in there many times when I had an interview or someone spilled Yagermeister on me or my pants ripped out at the crotch for no reason (I assume a ghost was trying to me) I had never been fully nude . I took the opportunity to rectify that .
I have to say even though no one could see me (except whoever monitors the secret security cameras) being completed nude in the building where I work felt very empowering . That must be why all strippers have such high self-esteem . Did I ever mention I saw a lady masturbating at work once while she was on a conference call ? She was pretty good looking but it wasn't arousing at all - it grossed me out . I don't know why exactly . She wasn't even wasting company time , she was leading the call . Its probably pretty empowering to jack off while you're on a call also .
In other news my co-workers don't know what words mean . I called someone mademoiselle (also my new name is MC Made Moi Selle) and she got all pissy with me because according to her that means "" . No , no it doesn't . Someone else flipped out because I said "Man , Jim-Jam was really giving Bliz-Blaz the business in that meeting " and she though that meant having sex . Sometimes I don't know why I bother ever saying anything .
Another thing I say at work a lot is "Oh well , its nothing a lawsuit won't fix ." I shouldn't say that . It upset management types a lot . Its just a habit . That will probably get my fired one day .
And finally , I leave you with this . Today someone at work said to me "Hey 40 , I hear you're the best person around here to confide in , why is that ?"
Its funny really . You see I'm widely know as an inveterate liar , and rightly so . So even if I blab your secret to everyone (which I will) it won't matter because no one would believe me . You can literally tell me anything and I cannot betray your confidence in any meaningful way because everything I say is assumed to be a complete fabrication . Its really quite something .
"Wow" they said "so you're completely trustworthy because you can't be trusted ?"
No , I am completely trustworthy because I have a REPUTATION for being completed untrustworthy . And that has made all the difference .
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Would the world be a better place if everyone was born with Wolverine claws ? (yes)
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Posted:Nov 27, 2012 6:08 pm
Last Updated:Dec 3, 2012 4:11 pm
74376 Views
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"Its the so called normal guys that always let you down . I'm not afraid of sickos , at least they're committed ."
- Selina Kyle aka Catwoman
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I know no one cares but complaining is supposed to be cathartic to some measure so here is a short parable that illustrates how I feel at work 97.3% of the time . Enjoy .
Someone - Hey 40 , why isn't my Blu-Ray player working ?
40deuce - Well , this is a pogo stick you have here , not a Blu-Ray player .
Someone - I keep jamming Blu-Rays into it but I can't get it to play .
40deuce - Yes , that's because pogo sticks don't play Blu-Rays , and this is a pogo stick .
Someone - Anyway , someone said you could help me get this to play right .
40deuce - I could if it was a Blu-Ray player , but its not - its a pogo stick , and pogo sticks don't do anything like what you're trying to do .
Someone - It always played Blu-Rays before . ALWAYS .
40deuce - No it didn't because this is a pogo stick it it cannot possibly do that . Maybe you had something else before .
Someone - NO , I didn't . You haven't been very helpful .
40deuce - I'm sorry , but I can help you do something that's quite literally impossible .
Someone - Thanks for nothing jerk .
40deuce - You're welcome .
Someone - Hey 40 , why isn't my Blu-Ray player working ?
40deuce - Please refer to our prior conversation , what you have here is still a pogo stick .
Someone - Fine , what do I need to do to watch these Blu-Rays ?
40deuce - Buy a Blu-Ray player .
Someone - I already BOUGHT this .
40deuce - Indeed , but that is a pogo stick , which I think we previously covered pretty well does not do what you want to do .
Someone - But I bought THIS to play Blu-Rays .
40deuce - That was perhaps a poor choice because it is very literally not capable of doing exactly that . If you want to watch Blu-Ray your only choice is to buy a Blu-Ray player .
Someone - Fine then , buy one and give it to me .
40deuce - I guess if you give me the money I could buy one for you .
Someone - Why should I have to pay for it when YOU screwed up ?
40deuce - How on earth did I screw up anything in this scenario ?
Someone - You told me I can't play Blu-Ray on my pogo stick or whatever you said it is .
40deuce - Yes I did , but that's just a fact . If you wanted to play Blu-Ray you would not have purchased that , you should have gotten a Blu-Ray player .
Someone - Well what are you going to do to make this right ?
40deuce - Nothing I'm afraid , if you want to watch a Blu-Ray you're going to have to buy a Blu-Ray player .
Someone - The contract says you have to buy it for me .
40deuce - No it doesn't .
Someone - I'll sue you asshole !
40deuce - For what ?
(Enter stage left via zipline - a team of lawyers)
Lawyers - Do whatever he says !
40deuce - Why ?
Lawyers - He threatened to sue us !
40deuce - What he wants doesn't make any sense , legally or otherwise .
Lawyers - Just do it , cave in , bend over backwards , suck his dick , do whatever you have to keep him from suing us - we can't afford the negative publicity !
40deuce - Everyone already hates us , what possible difference can it make ?
Lawyers - Please for the love of god just do whatever he wants ! We're begging you , please !
40deuce - Alright , but you realize every time we back down in these situations that just emboldens people to take advantage of us more right ?
Lawyers - Yes , but what else can we do ?
40deuce - Your job maybe ?
Lawyers - We are , give the man his Blu-Ray player or you're fired .
40deuce - Alright sir , I've found a Blu-Ray player that will fit your needs .
Someone - No , I don't want it anymore , its too late , just give me the money you would have spent on it .
40deuce - Alright here's your $60 .
Someone - That's not nearly enough , a Blu-Ray player costs at least 2 billion dollars .
40deuce - No , I just bought you one for $60 , here's the receipt .
Someone - No , I want 2 billion or I sue .
(Enter stage left via zipline - a team of lawyers)
The end
In other news I was reading recently about what the world might be like if Neanderthals survived instead of us filthy Cro-Mags and one thing the author suggested is that because they were so strong and could easily kill each other with a single blow they would have been totally peaceful peace-loving , peacnik peaceful hippies and they would have no war or weapons or anything like that . In general the whole thing was how everything would be better if they survived instead of us , so I'm not sure it was supposed to be serious or just social commentary with cavemen .
Anyway , I find this particular contention to be fairly silly since the same thing has been said many times in our history and has been wrong . Pretty much any time a new weapon has been created people said "Well , we're never going to have a war again , this thing kills people too effectually . You'd have to be crazy to start a war now ." And the next day a war broke out . The contention that a increased ability to cause harm would make people less violent makes no sense to me .
But I ask you , if humans were born with machine guns for nipples or laser beam eyes , or some other kind of deadly natural weapon do you think there would be LESS violence in society ? Seems unlikely to me . Not that it wouldn't be awesome , it just wouldn't make everyone a pacifist I don't think .
Oh , and I have to say something about sex according to the terms of use , so , you know , boobs .
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40Deuce - paranormal love machine
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Posted:Nov 25, 2012 9:48 am
Last Updated:Nov 26, 2012 3:37 pm
73534 Views
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A thing that used to only happen half the time now happens all the time . In a place . You know what I'm talking about .
Pictured below - another absurdly hot world class athlete
Per Capita Iowa is the state that has the most "ghost hunters" . Some would say this is probably because Iowa is boring and there's nothing else to do besides chase pretend supernatural creatures , which is both hurtful and true . However there's plenty of other states that are equally as boring (and moreso at least we have strip clubs) so there must be some other factor at play here .
I have two problems with these ghost hunter types (while I do have to give them credit to making money literally for nothing) the first being of course that there is no such thing as ghosts . Why are they wasted time with this tomfoolery when they could be out trapping Chupacabras ? Probably because a Chupacabra will bite your face off without even thinking about it . The second issue I have though is that when I think of ghost hunting I think of people who are tracking down and killing ghosts , not people who just want to see them . That's ghost watching .
I want some real ghost hunters . Granted killing a ghost is probably pretty hard , but if its not hard its not worth doing right (like my dick) ? And honestly what I really want is not for the ghosts to be killed , but for them to be restrained in some kind of device where their ghost orifices are available for my sexual penetration .
"But 40 , that sounds non-consensual , isn't that kind of rapey ?"
Only morally . As mentioned in the New Yorker ghosts have no rights in this country (I think they can vote in Japan) so you can do whatever perverted sexual acts you want to them and its all cool . It even says in the Bible that you can hump ghosts all you want .
In 1 Samuel 28: 7-20. King Saul was preparing to do battle against the dirty Philistines but god had left him high and dry . Saul wanted to get a prediction on the outcome of the battle so he consulted the witch of Endor (not the Ewok one , although that would have been cool - also did you know that the death star blowing up pretty much ruined Endor and killed all the ewoks ?) . He ordered her to call up the spirit of Samuel the prophet .
A ghost turned up and the medium was startled (I guess even back then mediums were frauds) . The ghost scolded Saul , then told him he would not only lose the battle , but also his life and the lives of his sons .
Which is a dick move , I think we can infer from that that its okay to force yourself on ghost . People have inferred a lot more from a lot less Biblically speaking .
One time on the comedy show Sara Silverman called some ghost hunter hotline about how her house was haunted and she wanted some tips on how to "get the ghost to poke her in the butt" . It was pretty funny . Apparently the key is to pose in provocative ways , take pictures , and send them tot he guy on the other end of the call . Seems about right .
Anyway , the balls in your court ghost hunters - make it happen .
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Softcore porn , hardcore violence
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Posted:Nov 24, 2012 8:09 am
Last Updated:Nov 27, 2012 6:14 pm
74484 Views
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Test to see if my picture capabilities have been renewed . Also that chick (if you can see her) is an Olympic athlete . I don't think its fair that someone should get to be sexually appealing AND a world class athlete .
Speaking of fairness , in the book I'm reading it mentioned casually that the best way to shape human behavior is with inconsistent rewards . What the what ? That didn't sound right to me at all , so I set that aside and did some research . That seems to be the accepted psychological principal - you get better results with inconsistent rewards than you do with always rewarding the behavior you're trying to encourage . I had a hard time wrapping my feeble little mind around this , but the more I mull it over the more it seems like maybe that's right .
For instance , if I got to ass fuck Priya Anjali Rai every time I took out the recycling eventually my brain would come to the conclusion that I should only take out the recycling when I wanted to ass fuck Priya Anjali Rai - which is not all the time . However if I had a 3% chance of getting to ass fuck Priya Anjali Rai every time I took out the recycling in long run the behavior is what is being reinforced , rather than the reward . Seems insane , but then again most things about human psychology are .
I mentioned this to one of my friend's wives last night (especially the part about ass fucking Priya Anjali Rai) because she's one of them armchair psychologists , and she was surprised because apparently every book about raising says that consistency is the key shaping good behavior . Which is true , but that's consistent PUNISHMENT . Its awful and I'm not saying you should do it , but the best way to make someone exhibit any particular behavior is to ALWAYS punish them when they don't do it , but only randomly (and rarely) reward them when they do . Stupid humans .
Anyway , the book I mentioned is actually about how all religion (and other phenomena like UFO sightings) is just a scam caused by brain chemistry . So you know , there is no god , there is no afterlife , there is nothing but rotting in the ground after death . Which is a bummer .
The other day I turned on the TV while I was making dinner and I saw vampires playing baseball . I thought to myself "this must be one of those dumb Twilight parodies" but as I watched it for a little while I realized this wasn't a parody , this was Twilight . The series that made BILLIONS of dollars worldwide . And there are vampires playing baseball . And then the mean bully vampires showed up and they ran off ! This is the world I live in .
Speaking of the TV there's a free preview of Cinemax going on right now so the other night (even though there's tera-flops of real porn free on the internet) I stayed up to watch some good old fashioned softcore porn . I am surprised (and pleased) to report that softcore porn can still make me "aroused" (sexually) . Which is good because although I don't watch the porn too often , I do fear desensitization .
The brain adapts to the things that give you pleasure (stupid brain) causing you to seek out more extreme versions of that thing . Overstimulation is indulging in so much of that thing that your brain becomes desensitized to it , and you lose the ability to get excited about it . It's gotten so bad with Internet porn that recent studies are showing that men in their 20s consider erectile dysfunction completely normal for their age group .
You start out watching normal people having normal sex , and it's pretty damn cool . But the more you watch , the more your brain gets used to it . So you start watching more specific videos. Student/teacher sex , bondage , MILFs fucking the vacuum cleaner . When that gets old , you up the ante again and the cycle continues until one day you find that you're unable to get a boner unless you're watching East Brazilian mink farmers having sex with pregnant servants dressed in latex astronaut costumes (which is totally hot by the way) .
Now that's not saying that one porn video is going to take away your dragon slayer . Pretty much every sex expert in the world says that watching a porno together is a good way to add some excitement back into a stagnating sex life . It's the habitual use that's bad . That's when regular everyday sex starts to feel bland , and you find yourself asking your partner if she could put on this plastic elephant trunk while you go to your stereo and put "The Humpty Dance" on a loop . And the more you expect her to conform to your every desire , the less you're involving her in the act . You've inadvertently turned her into a warm sack of meat that's only there to facilitate your orgasm .
Her needs and desires get put on the back burner because she's too busy trying to be the impossible fantasy taking place inside your head . No , unlike the porn videos show , not many women were built to handle the 14-inch dildo that's as big around as your forearm . Nor do most of them have a desire to have a cock jammed into the back of their throat until they convulse and try not to puke on your pelvis . That's why the women in those videos get paid to do what they're doing . And it's why many of their moans in those kinds of extreme scenes aren't ones of pleasure .
Anyway , the movie in question was Emanuelle's Travels Through Time , which contained exactly 0 travels through time . As far as I could tell it was a parody of Paranormal Activity . Except with a magic blimp full of Parisian whores . Which I think we can all agree makes everything better . Not as good as an enchanted zeppelin of Prussian whores , but still a nice addition .
I think I was going to write something about violence also but this blog is already 500% longer than people's attention span so I leave you with this .
A recent study alleges that most people who look at porn do it at work . There's no way that's true is it ? Unless your job is editing porn I guess .
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Resentgiving
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Posted:Nov 22, 2012 3:03 pm
Last Updated:Nov 26, 2012 3:35 pm
73432 Views
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First things , first , some people complained that my wookie picture from my last post wasn't "porny" enough . So ;
[image]
Shut up
Abraham Lincoln was a pretty good president (although somewhat overrated in my opinion) what with the freeing of the slaves (sort of) and killing all those vampires . But he did have one total flub - Thanksgiving . Don't get me wrong , I am always in favor of shoveling foods into your face until you wish you were dead (and will be a lot sooner than if you didn't) but the whole concept is flawed . A day to give thanks ? Seems like a good idea but it makes people think that's a thing you only need to do once a year (like showering) and its okay to be a resentful jerkass the rest of the year . Lincoln really blew it with that one .
Instead I say we do away with Thanksgiving and have Resentgiving - one day a year to be a bitter hateful misanthrope , in the hopes that the rest of the year people will be thankful . I don't think we really need to change any of the traditions either . People hate themselves after they gorge themselves . Most people are resentful of their families . The parade ? That pisses people off like no other . We just need to change the reason behind it from giving thanks to being an asshole . Then any other day of the year is someone is being an asshole you can say
"Hey , this isn't Resentgiving , stop it ."
And if they don't you're not only allowed , but obligated to pepper spray them and follow up with a typhoon elbow to the boggin . Which is like a noggin , but you know what I'm talking about . Its the law . So come on Obama , overturn the mistake that President Lincoln made and cement your legacy with Resentgiving .
In other news the other day I heard this exchange ;
Dude (smarmily) - You look like you could use a drink .
Lady (concerned) - Why ? Do I have something on my face ?
What the hell ? In what universe does that conversation make sense ? Was she just screwing around with him because she didn't like being hit on ? What does that mean ? What is going on ?
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What kind of psychopath DOESN'T wear Chewbacca legs all the time ?
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Posted:Nov 13, 2012 4:23 pm
Last Updated:Jan 9, 2016 7:10 pm
75940 Views
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Today at work some of the knife and spoon operators were talking about how at the end of Empire Strikes Back (the best Star Wars movie by far) Lando is wearing Han's clothes (probably because they mentioned it on a rerun of Family Guy last night) . Which has never been explained adequately to my satisfaction . But there's another clothing issue in Star Wars I find much more intriguing . In the final scene of New Hope if go through frame by frame (IE are crazy) you can see a shot where the dude who plays Chewbacca didn't bother to put on the bottom of his costume and was just wearing normal pants .
Which is weird because if I had access to a Chewbacca costume I would wear the bottom half instead of pants ALL THE TIME . I'd never take it off , not one time . And trust me ladies , being a wookie from the waist down is where its at .
Speaking of which (and I've probably talked about this before) one of my friends who works for an insurance company had a chance to buy a smoke damaged wookie costume from Return of the Jedi . And he didn't do it . That's why we're friends now instead of best friends like we used to be .
In other news the other day I was at a symposium (I love symposia) about how women are sexualized in comic books (surprise) and one lady asked "Why doesn't anyone ever talk about men being sexualized in comic books ?" And I thought to myself "Because no one gives a shit ." The I realized I said it out loud . Audibly . I felt bad because its not like me to say anything to anyone ever . Plus I don't swear in really real life hardly ever . But that's is why . Do a lot of young dudes have shitty body images ? Absolutely . But it has nothing to do with Wolverine or Batman . As usual people are mixing up the cause and the effect .
People aren't douchebags because of the way cpmic book characters are drawn , comic books characters are drawn the way they are because people are douchebags . Much the same way violent video games don't make people murderers , but if you're a murderer you surely like violent video games .
I didn't really have much to say today , I just wanted to get my feelings on Wookie legs out there . So I leave you with this so its not a total waste you clicked on this thing .
There's a common assumption that all quiet people really want to be talkative , but can't be . They just lack confidence , or are really bad with words , but if you just reached out a helping hand and gave them a gentle push , you could rescue them from their silent prison , from which they must constantly look out in misery at normal people talking and enjoying themselves .
First , many people are pretty comfortable with not talking very much , for various reasons other than having low self-confidence or bad social skills . Or at least they are comfortable until someone makes a point of how little they are talking and tries to awkwardly force them into spitting out more words for the sake of words .
Even the people who do just lack confidence and wish they could be more chatty don't usually appreciate the kind of "help" usually offered , which might involve suddenly putting them on the spot in a group conversation , or pretending one of the few things you know about them is suddenly a very interesting subject to you .
Other well-meaning tactics involve pushing them into some embarrassing party participation role , like forcing them onstage for karaoke , making them chug something , pushing a stripper on them , or whispering to the waiter at TGI Friday's (who's not above a little stripping) on their birthday so the whole staff will come over and sing one of those humiliating songs , all in the name of getting the person to "loosen up" and "come out of their shell ."
Even worse , when they do gamely participate , the horribly awkward results are often applauded with extremely fake and over-the-top enthusiasm , as if the person's budding confidence is extremely fragile and every sign of progress must be heavily nurtured .
The root problem is projection . A lot of people just think "if I wasn't talking , that would mean something was wrong , and I would want someone to pay attention to me , put me on the spot , and push me into something crazy . That would snap me out of it !" Which is probably true for them , but different people have different personalities (spoiler alert) and for some people, that's the wrong cure entirely , while for some other people , it's not even a problem that needs a "cure ."
Before jumping right into "helping" a quiet person , maybe it's best to figure out what's behind their lack of chattiness .
I guess what I'm saying is leave me the fuck alone Brian .
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Its probably okay to put a spreader bar in your mouth (as long as its not made of delicous lead)
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Posted:Nov 11, 2012 8:36 am
Last Updated:Nov 12, 2012 7:42 am
74470 Views
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Which is probably is since its probably made in China . Probably .
In times gone by I was fake blogfriends with a couple around these parts (although the lady did all the blogging which seems fairly common amongst couples) and one time they (she) posted a humorous deal about how since they had they never used their bondage equipment anymore (actually I think it was plagiarized from the Current but whatever) and they had re-purposed it all for domestic uses . It ended with "but the next time we're trying to get pregnant we're definitely going to use the spreader bar" and a dumb emoticon or smiley , whatever they called .
Being the naive whitebread loser that I am I had no idea what a spreader bar was - in my mind it was some kind of horrible device similar to a passive lock wood clamp designed to spread the lips of what like to call the vagina . Thankfully its something much more benign than that (although like all bondage gear I assume originally designed by a )
But while I was researching I did come across a news story (from Wyoming I think) where the got the lady and had her in his raperoom with a spreader bar and handcuffs on . He left the room (I assume to put on his mix tape) and the lady who was some kind of bondage instructor (that's a thing I guess) got lose and then when he came back in she bashed his skull in with the spreader bar . Now in 40Deuce American she would have received an ice cream cake , $5000 cash , and a thank you card . Sadly since this is America America instead she was on trial for murder . I don't know what the outcome was but based on what I know about the justice system I assume she was convicted and sentenced to 18 consecutive life terms . And in order to make room for her in our overcrowded prisons they gave 12-19 women who put their infants in the microwave early release .
Have I ever mentioned that I was on jury duty one time on a self defense case and was dismissed because (at least in this state) the self defense laws are insane in the membrane ? As far as I can tell if someone comes after you all you're allowed to do it cover your groin and eyes and let them do whatever they want . And even the eye thing is a little questionable .
While we're on the subject there's a professional wrestler who goes by the name of New Jack . He's a terrible wrestler but a lot of people like him for some reason (which is a thing that happens a lot with terrible wrestlers for reasons unknown - Hulk Hogan , the Rock) . In the really real world he's killed people and not gone to jail because it was self defense . According to the law . See the deal is New Jack likes fucking married ladies . And you know who doesn't like that ? Said ladies husbands . Eventually some of them confront Mr Jack and since he not only plays a badass on TV but is on in real life (which is true sometimes - the funny thing is its usually not the big musclebound wrestlers who are legitimately dangerous in real life) he beats the crumbcake out of them . And continues with the wife humping . Eventually some of these dudes come at New Jack (usually after he sends them pictures of him ass fucking their wife) with deadly intent and he self defenses them to death .
And that's self defense ?
One time when he was up for a movie role in a Denzel Washington piece he was being interviewed about the four (at the time) justified homicides that he'd committed and he famously said "I didn't want to do it but it was either them or me and it wasn't going to be me ."
Anyway , back to spreader bars (sort of) . One time I was making sweet , sweet love to a lady's asshole while the whole world watched on webcam (I assume) and the condom kept slipping off . Because my penis is so tiny you see . Which is a problem with the whole condom staying on thing . Since my homemade condom suspenders don't work very well if anyone has any other ideas please let me know . Anyway , afterwards while I was disengaging her ankles from the spreader bar I queried "So why is it okay for me to cum in your mouth but I have to wear a condom for anal ?" She responded that you can't get any diseases from oral .
An adult lady said this . To my face . I was staggered . I explained to her that was 100% not true but it didn't seem to have any effect on her . Eventually she said "Well maybe if you had a cut in your mouth" . Which is not correct , cut or no cut there's a risk . But more importantly there are microscopic wounds in your mouth ALL THE TIME . Now I will admit that the mouth is a less vulnerable attack vector for pathogens than any other whole you want to stick stuff in , but its still vulnerable is the point .
Which brings me to this . We all know that you should wear a condom during oral sex (or just never go down on a lady I guess) if you're practicing safe sex but does anyone actually do it ? Sounds highly unsatisfying to everyone involved if you ask me . I've never tasted a condom directly , but on account of my tiny penis (and the inability to satisfy a woman sexually that result therefrom) I often engage in the oral sex post-vag hammering and even the second hand taste is pretty gross . I can't imagine what it's like full on in your mouth . Now I heard on Mythbusters that flavor condoms exist , but I assume like most gross things that are flavor to try and make them non-gross they fail miserably . I think if we're going to (as a society) start wearing condoms during oral sex I'll just skip the whole thing . Although those boysenberry condoms do smell good - I'll give you that . I bet they still taste awful though .
Anyway while we're on vaguely bondage related issues , when a lady asks you to whomp her on the buttocks with a belt how hard should you do it ? I realize of course that every woman is different when it comes to ass whomping , but what's a good strength to start off with ? Erring on the side of caution seems like the way to go , but I don't want to be perceived as a pussy(which I am) by starting off too lightly . Is there a culturally accepted level of force to be using for a first time ass whomping ? Let me know .
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Every time I get my period I do a shot
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Posted:Nov 8, 2012 6:14 pm
Last Updated:Nov 12, 2012 7:36 am
74252 Views
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The day that I became old/fat/out of shape enough to start taking the elevator instead of walking up five flights of stairs was a sad day . But there is an upside . You overhear some pretty intriguing things . While we're on the subject what's the deal with you people with cell phones ? Do you forget there's people standing like 18 inches away from you ? Could you maybe show a little decorum ? Anyway .
Thing overhead in the elevator #1
"Every time I get my period I do a shot"
That's one of the more confustastic things I've heard in a while . I didn't get a chance to puzzle it out though because as the lady continued blabbing into her phone I realized she was celebrating not being pregnant because she's "catholic" and therefore doesn't believe in birth control . This kind of person has never made sense to me . I'm no Catholic (well maybe a little) but I'm pretty sure on the list of 67,892 things catholics aren't supposed to do sex is on there too . Pretty high on the list I'm betting . Probably #3 . The condom (or whatever) thing is probably WAY lower down the list than that . Probably somewhere between not wearing two different kinds of fabrics and avoiding menstruating women . I can only imagine their brain works like this .
"God doesn't want me to have sex , but I really want to have sex so I'm going to . I'll make it up to God by getting chlamydia though ."
Thing overhead in the elevator #2
"No , this is the guy THAT shot Raymond , not the guy that Raymond shot ."
This Raymond character sounds like he lives a pretty "interesting" life . In my mind Raymond is black . Do you think that's because the lady who said this was black or because I'm a racist ? A little of both probably . Whoever this guy was he was getting out of jail . I'm not sure which is worse for Raymond , the guy he shot getting out of the jail or the guy who shot him getting out of jail . Probably bad news either way .
Speaking of which I got a letter from the Federal Bureau of Prisons today about a dude who tried me kill me when I was in high school (he was in his 40s then so he must be in his sixties now) he got arrested again and they notified me because I was still on record as being one of his "victims" that wanted to be notified about parole hearings or when he was going to be released . The very comforting part of the letter was this ;
"While we will do our best to keep your participation in this program confidential the inmate you are being informed about may find out through other means and threaten or intimidate you ."
Don't threaten and intimidate mean the same thing ? Also what do you suppose 60something dude did to get 2 years in prison ? Back when I had human emotions sometimes I felt bad for that guy . Anyone who wasn't read the story in my blog the deal was I was young and stupid , he was an asshole , I sucker punched him , he tried to murder me - he went to prison , life ruined for him . I realize it was his choice to try and be a murdered and he surely had anger issues anyway , but its weird to be the catalyst of someone's life going down the tubes .
In other news I saw a dude driving a recycling truck today toss a coke bottle out the window into the street . That's surely a metaphor for something .
And finally , this whole standard members comment flap did have one good side effect for me . I commented on a lot more blogs than usual . I just need to get over it and comment even when a bunch of other people already have .
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40deuce vs Vaginal reconstructive surgery
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Posted:Nov 7, 2012 5:16 pm
Last Updated:May 18, 2014 9:16 am
76364 Views
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A while back when I was adrift in a sea of sadness I looked into the possibility of getting liposuction (because all thin people are happy right ? RIGHT ?) . And while in the end I decided I was too lazy to go through with it (turns out there's all kinds of post-op crap you have to do and who needs that hassle ?) the doctor I talked to must have sold my e-mail address to a bunch of other plastic surgeons because about once a day I get an e-mail offering me vaginoplasty . Nevermind the fact that the The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (go Badgers !) published a formal policy statement of opposition to the commercial misrepresentations of labiaplasty , and associated vaginoplastic procedures , as medically “accepted and routine surgical practices” wherein the ACOG doubted the medical safety and the therapeutic efficacy of the surgical techniques and procedures for performing labiaplasty , vaginal rejuvenation , the designer vagina , revirgination , and Gräfenberg Spot amplification (which sounds awesome) and recommended that women seeking such genitoplastic surgeries must be fully informed, with the available surgical-safety statistics , of the potential health risks of surgical-wound infection , of pudendal nerve damage (resulting in either an insensitive or an over-sensitive vulva) of dyspareunia (painful coitus) of tissue adhesions (epidermoid cysts) and of painful scars .
But also I don't need no vaginal rejuvenation suckers because my vagina is tight as HELL . Virgin tight ? You wish . You know how they have extra virgin olive oil ? Yeah , extra virgin tight here . You'd be lucky if you slip a baby carrot in their - DAMN lucky . And good lucky getting it out . Sure , most people keep their carrots int he vegetable crisper , but its my vagina and I'll do what I want with it . America !
I am intrigued by the concept of a designer vagina however . I need to start planning what I want one to look like just in case it ever comes up . Also I just had a great new business idea - vagina designer . I'll pretty up you vagina so good girlfriend . I hope you like feathers !
In other news my gal pal has starting sending me the occasional text to home phone (I ain't got no CELL phone !) which I find to be hilarious because they are read to me by a robot-lady voice (hopefully that Asian Cylon) . I very badly want to have a dirty "text" sent to me so I can hear the female Steven Hawking voice tell me how much it wants my cock . That's comedy you can't buy .
In other other news I was about to hurl an apple core at the stupid back of the stupid head of one of stupid co-workers when I was struck by a childhood memory . There was an unfortunate on my buss in middle school who people called "Plastic" because
1. He wore a plastic raincoat all the time
2. It rhymed well with "sucks dick"
At the time I though poorly of the bus driver because he did nothing as a bus full of chanted curse words at him , but later I realized that adults can do nothing and the only way to stop such a thing is a murdering rampage . Anyway , one day this brought a box of apples and gave them out to everyone on the bus (he didn't do a lot to help himself in the not drawing people's attention department) which were all promptly hurled in his face and jammed up his ass (I assume) . I wonder whatever happened to that . Every movie ever tells me since he was a nerd in school he grew up to be wealthy and handsome and have a hot double jointed wife with no gag reflex while his tormentors are all his butler and fight to the death for his amusement . Somehow I doubt that's how it really worked out .
And finally , a lady of my acquaintance mentioned the other day that she has sex dreams "all the time" . I've had three (that I remember) and I recount them now for your enjoyment .
When I was a I had a long elaborate dream where I went on an underwater adventure and fell in love with a mermaid . At the gripping conclusion of the tale after escaping an evil shark (stupid subconscious sharks aren't evil) we ended up on the beach and made sweet sweet love . I guess technically at that point it was a nightmare because I was humping a fishhole . In the words of Phillip J Fry "Why couldn't she have been the other kind of mermaid with the fish part on top and the lady part on the bottom ?"
Five or six years ago I had a dream that my girlfriend took me to a family reunion . Naturally we decided it would be a good idea to hump right there in front of everyone . Her whole family crowded around and cheered us on as we did "it" . At one point her uncle handed me a meatball sub and I started eating it during the sexy fun time . My partner started complaining because the sauce was dripping on her back and it was apparently pretty hot . I had a hard time not thinking about that and laughing every time we had sex for a while after that .
A few months ago I had a dream that Susan Sarandon , having felt she had accomplished everything else an actress could accomplish , decided to star in a porn movie . Every begged her not to ruin her legacy by doing it , but she was determined . However , the porn community tried to thwart her by boycotting her - they didn't want her to do it either out of respect for her career (obviously they never saw the great waldo pepper) . So I stepped up to be her porn partner and make her dream come true . So we go at it and a couple minutes in the director shouts "You call that porning ? That's the worst porning I've ever seen !" And walked off in disgust . So Susan and I went to ice cream .
Now that's a blog !
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Who wants to see a violent battle between a SWAT team and a huge herd of gorillas ?
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Posted:Nov 4, 2012 8:32 am
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2012 3:31 pm
73762 Views
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Yes I know a group of gorillas is more appropriately called a band or a troop (troupe ?) but I like the sound of Huge Herd . I should change my screen name to that . Anyway , this has nothing to do with Gorillas or SWAT teams but someone complained my titles were misleading so I had to title this something misleading .
Like most people my sense of self-worth is tied directly to how many people watch my blog . Right now I have 27 watchers (and probably 5 of them actually read it) which means on my scale of self-esteem I am currently in the Greatest Man in the World category . Which is done a notch from the Greatest Man Who Ever Lived status I had back when I had more than 30 watchers . Those were good times . But hey , being the greatest man alive is nothing to sneeze at (metaphorically speaking of course) .
It does make we wonder how the folks with billions of watchers got to where they are . Makes sense to me once you're on the list of most watched blogs you're going to keep getting more people jumping on the bandwagon , but how do you get there in the first place ? Even if you're a hot chick who's blog is just pictures of you getting nasty with your nasty self (a sure recipe for success if ever there was one) if you created your blog today how do you reach the epic heights of the blogosphere ?
Thanks to the Big Bang Theory we all have a working knowledge of memetic theory and epidemiology but I would be interesting (to me and maybe one other dude in the world) to see the life cycle of a popular blog from inception to the day the person in question decides they hate blogging and everyone in the world and quits forever (or a couple days) . I should probably start another blog with one of my fake hot lady profiles and chart the progress . Maybe I could get some government cash for this project . At least if Obama wins . Silly democrats , they'll spend money on ANYTHING . I guess I better get out and vote if I want to get this project off the ground .
The problem is I assume part of the reason for blog growth is interacting with the Senior Sizzle population . You wanna fuck me ? Read my blog and I'll think about it (but really you have no chance) . I think that's probably a big blog growth measure . Or just befriend people and whatnot . And I'm not going to get into that even for the sake of science . Interacting with people ? Gross . I already do that way more than I want to every day (most days anyway) .
Probably the other big way to make your blog popular is to get someone who's already popular to tell their minions to read your blog too . I'm still riding the recommendation that Karl Bloggerfield made months ago . Just imagine where I would be if someone really popular recommended me ? Actually I think Gottaring listed me as a guilty pleasure once (which I found highly insulting) but there was within a list of hundreds of other blogs she was saying were worth a read so it didn't really land (or maybe her minions aren't that loyal) .
Once I get my money from the government I think I'll go that route . Anyone know MisssquirtsALOT ?(the Knight of the round table they never talked about) How much government cash would I need to buy her friendship ? Look into that and let me know - you could be a footnote in my paper .
Remember that old Nara Surf song "Popular" ? Its was a send of people caring about popularity of course , but it actually had some decent advice nestled within its satire .
Three important rules for breaking up
Don't put off breaking up when you know you want to
Prolonging the situation only makes it worse
Tell him honestly, simply, kindly, but firmly
Don't make a big production
Don't make up an elaborate story
This will help you avoid a big tear jerking scene
If you wanna date other people say so
Be prepared for the boy to feel hurt and rejected
Even if you've gone together for only a short time,
And haven't been too serious,
There's still a feeling of rejection
When someone says she prefers the company of others
To your exclusive company,
But if you're honest, and direct,
And avoid making a flowery emotional speech when you break the news,
The boy will respect you for your frankness,
And honestly he'll appreciate the kind of straight forward manner
In which you told him your decision
Unless he's a real jerk or a cry baby you'll remain friends
And finally , here's a picture from my folder of blog pictures to be used that I have no idea why I got .
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Who am I supposed to vote for ?
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Posted:Nov 1, 2012 5:33 pm
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2012 3:30 pm
74427 Views
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The Republican who's blasting me in the ass or the Democrat who's blasting me in the ass ? The whole thing is just one big ass blast .
Words of wisdom to live by from Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia .
The other day I was chatting with my gal pal about all the work I'm doing to try and get a new and better (better = more $) job and she said something about being an ass kisser . I responded that I sold out completely a long time ago and I had no convictions left to betray . Which is kind of a startling realization . Usually you have in the back of you mind the notion that hey , if things get really bad I can just sell out and turn it around . But I don't have that safety net anymore . I've sold out as much as you can possibly sell out . I have nowhere to go if I'm backed into a corner . Its a sobering thought .
How was my Halloween ? Thanks for asking . I know its a little cliche at this point , but I broke out the old Joker costume to hand out candy .
I do things a little differently than most people on the devil's birthday (that's what Halloween is right ?) when the come to the door I tell them a joke . If they laugh they get candy . If they don't laugh I take some of their candy .
"But 40" you're thinking "What if your house if the first one they visit ? Also have you lost weight ? You look great ."
If they come to my house first and therefore have no candy then I punch their parent or guardian in the dick or dicks and nab their wallet . Also remember when you were a and you could go trick or treating without fear of being molested all night ? Those were better days .
I was also mentioning to said gal pal that I was recently poking gentle fun at someone who used to blog around here and how it was "okay" because we used to "fake internet friends" . She inquired further and I expressed my opinion that someone you only know online isn't a real friend in my book . When she inquired what it is friends do I got to drop some Flight of the Conchords on her ;
Friends sing together
La La La La
Friends do things together
La La La La
Friends laugh together
Ha Ha Ha Ha
Friends make graphs together
La La La La
Friends help you when you're in danger
Friends are people who are not strangers
Friends help you shift into a new place
Tell you if you've got food on you're face
Friends are the ones, on who you can depend
He's my friend, He's not my friend
Friends are the ones who are there at the end
He's my friend, They're not my friends
If you trip over I'll catch you're fall
If you break my dick, I won't break you're balls
If you get drunk and vomit on me
I'll make sure you get home safely
If you cross the road and a drunk struck you
And scrape you up and reconstruct you
I'll cheer you up if you're depressed
If you get murdered I'll avenge you're death
Friends walk together
La La La La
Pop and lock together
(Zzi zzu Zzi Zzu)
Me and him together
La La La La
Me and Jim forever
Friends go jogging at the track
Friends borrow money never pay It back
Friends do not let friends do crack
Friends go out and grab a snack
Friends drink beer in the sun
Unlike girlfriends they don't mind if you have more than one
Friends tell you when you're flys undone
My Uncle John had a special friend
They dressed a like, his name was Ben
I've never seen two friends like them
They we're very very friendly men
La La La La
Friends, Friends, Friends
La La La La
Friends, Friends, Friends, Friends
La La La La
Friends, Friends, Friends, Friends
La La La La
Friends
La La La La
Ping
I was directed to a website recently that had naked pictures of Playboy Playmates from the 70's and 80' . Some of those old ladies still got it going on I tell you what . Speaking of somewhat unsightly pornography , they told me on the radio that 85% of homemade porn ends up on the internet without all the people involved being aware of it . This sounds like a 100% made up "statistic" to me but that probably does happen a lot . It always kind of amuses them when ladies who post all kinds of nasty pictures on this website say they don't "sext" because they don't want to end up on the internet .
Now as we all know the two most common names in the world are Mohamed and Maria , but what are the most common nicknames do you think ? I would guess for guys a tie between Boner Champ and Broccoli Rob and for the ladies probably El Tigre Mariposa .
And finally , I think banks should be allowed to take organs in lieu of mortgage payments . Helps keep people in their homes , helps people who need organs , helps the banks . Its perfect .
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The only perfect sport - Being fired from a canon to engage in aerial melee combat with sharks
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Posted:Oct 30, 2012 4:36 pm
Last Updated:Jul 6, 2013 1:22 pm
75790 Views
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"Its just straw , pile it on !"
The camel
Today I was reading about a lawsuit (in Washington state I think) wherein a fella was suing a lady . What happened was this particular lady was way into licking hallucinogenic toad mucus . There is a rumor that if you do that enough your tongue will dissolve (It's the kind of idea that makes perfect sense after a lifetime of hallucinogen abuse) so she hit upon a genius idea . Rather than licking these toads she simply rub them on her pussy (because who cares if that dissolves right ?) . One night after a vigorous bout of toad-pussy rubbing (animal abuse ?) she met up with this fellow , and well , you know how it is when you're tripping on toad mucus ; one thing led to another . So then the dude starts hallucinating , on account of all the collateral toad mucus ingesting from going "south of the border" as the say .
Anyway , he flips out and wrecks his car and smashes up his apartment and he wants the lady who pay for it (and emotion damages of course) . I have two questions ;
Ladies - which would you rather lose , tongue or clit ?
All - Do you feel this fellow is due compensatory damages or is this just the kind of thing you have to expect when you hook up with a stranger ?
I'm reading a book right now about a dude who was an Olympic runner who was a bombardier during WWII and his plane crashed in the Pacific (fun fact for every plan shot down in combat 34 planes crashed without being anywhere near the enemy) . He and a couple other crewmen were at sea in liferafts for a couple months before they got picked up by the Japanese (not so fun fact , almost dying at sea was apparently WAY better than being a POW to the Japanese) . Its pretty good (in a horrific kind of way) but the dudes claim that when they were adrift sharks "constantly" attacked them and they had to fight them off with oars .
Far be it for me to call a war hero (and a dude who ran a 4 minute mile) a liar , but I call BS on that . Based on watching 2 decades of Shark Week I don't find that plausible at all . I will stipulate that they probably remember being attacked by sharks all the time but they were starving to death , dehydrated , injured , traumatized , and by their own admission losing their minds . I'm pretty sure most of these "attacks" were just a shark bumping their raft and them flipping the hell out - and who wouldn't ?
Its a "fact" that some oceanic sharks will absolutely attack people in the water if given a chance (there's not a lot of food out there you know , they'll take anything - I saw a an oceanic whitetip shark eat a mango once ; a shark ate a MANGO !) but the odds of a shark trying to jump onto a raft and grab someone even once seems to be pretty astronomically low , let alone "constantly" . It reminds me of the forward to another war book I read (the Things They Carried maybe ?) where the author said "Anyone who write about their experience in wartime doesn't tell the whole story . You leave out a lot of true stuff because no one who wasn't there would believe it - and you put in a lot of stuff that isn't true because people wouldn't believe your story without it ." I think that's probably true .
Anyway , when I was discussing this with the braintrust , one of my pals sent me all kinds of links to reports of sharks jumping into boats . One of them claimed the mako can jump 30 feet into the air . I say BS to that claim too . Anyway , this naturally lead to a discussion of shooting people out of cannons to fight airborne sharks .
In other news, I've decided the world would be a better place without banks (like the one I work for) and for loan sharks just to handle everything . Because people don't really take their financial obligations to a bank seriously at all . But if you owe money to a shylock ? Yeah , people take that real serious . People need to know their dumb actions have consequences and I think organized crime is better for that kind of thing .
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To link to this blog (40Deuce) use [blog 40Deuce] in your messages.
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