Sorry dude , but you actually CAN have sex with the butt
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Posted:Jan 5, 2013 12:36 pm
Last Updated:Jan 27, 2013 8:30 am
75392 Views
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I was out and about this morning and a fellow nearby to my proximity was loudly and vociferously (and coniferously) stating his opinion that men liking women's butts was dumb because you "Can't have sex with the butt ." I'd say this chap was in his mid forties to early sixties . It gave a little chuckle . I envision an scenario wherein his 20something gave him "the talk" as it pertains to sexxoring the butt . That's comedy gold right there .
Also even if that were true that would mean you shouldn't like boobs either which is insane .
Wait , what , you can have sex with boobs too ?! USA , USA , USA !
“With anal sex, I suggest you start gently. Find a slender midget. Or a member of Congress.”
― Jarod Kintz
“The four most over-rated things in life are champagne, lobster, anal sex, and picnics.”
― Christopher Hitchens
Yay , a short one !
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I used to love shaved pussies but Tina Fey has convinced me
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Posted:Jan 2, 2013 5:32 pm
Last Updated:May 11, 2015 4:44 pm
76657 Views
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First of all , what the hell is going on ? Sunday a lady randomly grabs my junk at the grocery store and then today I ask a co-worker a question and while she's answering me she unbuttons her pants , drops them to her knees , and scratches her thigh for a minute before pulling them back up .
What is going on ? I'm starting to wonder if I'm having a mental breakdown and not everything I see is real .
Second , Lego bricks outnumber humans 62 to one . That makes me happy . Were you the kind of person who followed the instructions for make the Lego sets or did whatever you wanted ? I always followed the instructions . I'm lame like that .
Third , whenever I post a picture of a naked lady or hardcore porny porn it gets through . Anything else Senior Sizzle cancels . Let see if this works .
Fourth , today one the dumb supervisor's dumb illegitimate brought in her dumb illegitimate baby and after she left after all the hooplah died down said dumb supervisor came and asked me why I didn't come to see the baby .
"Well , I don't really know you or your so it didn't occur to me ." I replied reasonably .
She explained to me that we're all in in the same department so we need to be involved with each other "that's what teamwork is" she sneered at me assholily .
This is why I need to have surgically implanted the venom sacks and muscular glands of the red spitting cobra in my jaws . Chemosis and corneal swelling are what you deserve for saying such things directly to my face .
I think I deserve credit for not saying what I really felt "Because I don't give a shit about you or your stupid granddaughter you drugged out disgusting old hippy ."
Fifth , Tina Fey told me on the TV women shouldn't shave their pubic hair because that way you can wear a skirt and no underwear without fear of accidentally exposing yourself . She said "even when you're showing it you're not showing it ." Sadly I have to agree .
Sixth , In Fight Club (which would be a great movie aside from the whole premise of the movie) Tyler Durden says "You are not your job" as part of his being awesome , but it turns out you are you job . Bummer right ?
Your job and your means of employment might not be the same thing but in both cases you are nothing more than the sum total of your useful skills . For instance being a good mother is a job that requires a skill . It's something a person can do that is useful to other members of society . But make no mistake : Your "job" the useful thing you do for other people is all you are .
There is a reason why surgeons get more respect than comedy writers . There is a reason mechanics get more respect than unemployed hipsters . There is a reason your job will become your label if your death makes the news ("NFL Linebacker Dies"). Tyler said "You are not your job" but he also founded and ran a successful soap company and became the head of an international social and political movement . He was totally his job .
It was the irony that many people missed from that movie .
Think of it this way: Remember when Chick-fil-A came out against gay marriage ? And how despite the protests , the company continues to sell millions of sandwiches every day ? It's not because the country agrees with them ; it's because they do their job of making delicious sandwiches well . And that's all that matters .
You don't have to like it . I don't like it when people hurl bricks at my face . They hurl them anyway . People have needs and thus assign value to the people who meet them . These are simple mechanisms of the universe and they do not respond to our wishes .
If you protest that you're not a shallow capitalist materialist and that you disagree that money is everything , I can only say: Who said anything about money ? You're missing the larger point .
Seventh , does anyone else think that movie 43 thing looks like the worst thing ever ? Like throughout time ?
Eighth , one time there was a band called Blur . They were okay , they morphed into the Gorillaz which are much better . I've been told they were big in England in their day but here in the US they're known for only one song "Song 2" which most people call "that whoo-hoo song" . The dude who wrote that song did it as a joke , he wanted to write the dumbest song ever and see if he could get it released . And that is the legacy of Blur . It kind of makes me feel bad for them .
Three of my favorite music acts of all time are Beck , Nirvana , and the Beastie Boys . They have something in common with Blur and each other (three things if you count Scientology and mouth humping Courtney Love) their big song , that put them on the map , were meant as jokes .
The first and biggest hit of Beck's life would be the result of a bored Beck and his ability to make up random bullshit on the fly .
Before he got famous , Beck played his music anywhere he could in clubs , in coffee houses and on the streets of LA usually to crowds who couldn't give less of a shit about him . Being the type of guy he is , he'd eventually break out of whatever song he was playing and start making up random lyrics instead , just to see who was paying attention .
This particular skill came into play later when Beck and Carl Stephenson , a producer for -A-Lot Records , spontaneously decided to record a song in Stephenson's kitchen . Beck started rapping , and they both got a laugh out of how terrible he sounded . As they were playing it back , Beck just started sarcastically singing "I'm a loser , baby, so why don't you kill me ." Everything else is just random nonsense Beck made up while staring at things in Stephenson's kitchen .
The track took six and a half hours to record and produce from start to finish . Beck wasn't happy with the song , it being something he slapped together as a demonstration of how bad he was at rapping , and only agreed to release it under pressure from his label at the time , Bong Load . Because who wouldn't recognize the wisdom of every business decision made by an organization with such a name .
"Loser" got Beck the attention he needed, and he soon got picked up by a real label , Geffen Records , which reissued the song in 1994 . It peaked at 10 on the Billboard Hot 100 , made Beck a star and was ultimately ranked #203 in Rolling Stone's "The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time". Not bad for a bunch of gibberish made up in a kitchen .
Featured on the Beastie Boys' debut album , Licensed to Ill "Fight for Your Right" was the group's first hit and helped establish the persona of the badass , take-no-shit , hard-rocking party boys that they totally weren't , at all .
In fact , the Beasties hated the whole rocker scene , feeling it was populated by obnoxious , testosterone-laden douchebags . They wanted to poke fun at mindless party anthems like "Smoking in the Boys Room" so they cut the lyrics to "Fight for Your Right" as an in-joke before going on tour . Their producer, Rick Rubin , added some drums and a blaring guitar riff and released the track , which soon became a big hit . Thinking the song's success was hilarious , the Beasties made what they assumed was an equally ridiculous video to go along with it .
Slowly, they began to realize that the whole "parody" part was lost on most of the listening public , and the majority of their newfound fan base was now made up of the same tools they were trying to make fun of .
Despite being the song that put them on MTV , the Beastie Boys publicly denounced "Fight for Your Right" and haven't performed it live since 1987 . They would not be the first or the last band to find out that the whole "make an intentionally stupid song mocking other bands" thing can come back to bite you . . .
When "Smells Like Spirit" was released in August of 1991 it virtually changed mainstream music overnight , allowing us to finally forget about the horrible popular music of the 1980s . Nirvana would go on to inspire a whole new generation of artists with their breakout single eventually ranking in the top 10 of Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Songs of All Time list .
The name of the song came about when Cobain walked into his bedroom one day to see that his friend Kathleen Hanna had spray-painted "Kurt Smells Like Spirit" on the wall . Being somehow totally unaware of Spirit deodorant , the brand that his then-girlfriend Tobi Vail wore , he thought it was some kind of badass revolutionary slogan and didn't realize that Hanna was actually making fun of him .
When he finally found out , Cobain didn't care , because he felt the song had been a joke from the start . He said in a Rolling Stone interview that he was trying to rip off the Pixies and write the ultimate pop song , and came up with his version of the riff from Boston's "More Than a Feeling". Then he started writing the lyrics , which may sound deep and full of imagery but according to him were "just making fun of the thought of having a revolution" .
When " Spirit" became a hit , Cobain resented having to play it all the time , and would sometimes lead into it with "More Than a Feeling" just to tell everyone exactly how much of his ass they could kiss . The dangers of sarcastic music .
Ninth , this blog is way too long , if you're still reading this you're a better man than I .
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Its easier to ask forgiveness than permission
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Posted:Jan 1, 2013 8:28 am
Last Updated:Jan 1, 2014 7:07 am
74685 Views
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People say that sometimes . It makes me want to hit them in the belly and groin with a morning star . Here's another way to say that same thing ;
"I'm going to fuck you over , even though I know its wrong , because hey fuck you buddy ."
Maybe there should be another fuck in there , I'm not sure . I'm not a fuck specialist . Or so my girlfriend said !
BURN
So its a new year , and I'd like to think things are looking up for me , 40deuce . But the fact remains that people are still the same , and I think I have something to encapsulate the entire human experience right here .
With all the things we have to helplessly wait for in our daily lives - traffic lights , customer service , the so called female orgasm , old people in line - it's nice to know there are some things we have some control over , like closing the elevator door faster with the handy "door close" button .
Unfortunately this is a lie from the Man to appease the you , the filthy masses . In most cases , elevator "door close" buttons do nothing . According to 47-year elevator maintenance veteran John Menville , the "door close" button is just there to give people the illusion of control . It's a release valve so that after you have to wait for a million stupid things during the course of the morning , this isn't the straw that breaks the camel's back and causes you to go postal on the elevator and maybe break something . Because elevators are expensive bro .
Crosswalk buttons are the same deal , at least at timed traffic lights like the ones in busy downtown areas . The light was going to change every two minutes anyway , and you pushing the button doesn't hurry it along any faster , although it does stop you from spazzing out about how long it's going to take . "I've given the order" you think to yourself boobily . "My will is being carried out as we speak ."
The world is full of people pushing buttons that do nothing , and feeling very satisfied about it .
I think that sums things up pretty nicely .
In other news I re-took the purity test for the first time since I joined this site several decades ago . I'm much less pure now . Thank you Senior Sizzle ? Also for the record it freaks me out when the ladyfolk say stuff like "we need to get your purity score down" . I guess most guys would find that erotic . Anyway , I found a lot of the questions to be semi-disturbing (actually I find almost everything in life semi-disturbing , maybe I need to lighten up a little). Aside from the 20 different questions about doing illegal stuff , these in particular caught my attention .
(arranged, had) an abortion
used alcohol to lower an MOS's resistance
had sex with an unconscious person
First of all who would even answer those questions truthfully if the answer was yes ? Secondly the implication on such a test on a site like this is that the less pure you are the better , so in theory the perfect person is someone who answers yes to all these questions . So I guess if you're a convict who's used heroin and poured booze into someone until they passed out and then you had sex with them (also called sometimes) and they got pregnant and then you arranged for them to have an abortion you're golden .
I do need to lighten up I guess .
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Its hard to tell you because I'm trembling still
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Posted:Dec 30, 2012 9:20 am
Last Updated:Jan 27, 2013 8:32 am
74214 Views
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Only moments ago while I was in the grocery store , in the pasta and olive oil isle , a lady molested me . I was just walking along minding my own business looking for the extra-virgin olive oil when a lady coming the other way reached out and gave my junk a good honking . I was agog . It happened so fast I wasn't sure it was real at first but then I checked my inseam pants black box - confirmed contact at 10:42 AM , arousal level Premium Midnight Fifty . My first thought was it had to be an accident - she was reaching for something and my dick and balls got in the way .
But this was no accident .
My second thought was that this was a woman who was going to get what she wanted and that was that . Why she wanted to touch my groin I don't know . I mean when I was a it made sense when I got molested , I was adorable . But adult 40deuce is a monster of Quasimodo proportions . I mean if I was walking around looking like Michael Fassbender (I actually have no idea who that is but I heard some ladies talking about wanting to shove his cock in their mouth and suck on it until their cheeks were full of semen so I assume he's a dashingly handsome celebrity of some kind ; or his cock is magic and grants wishes when its in your mouth [like mine does]) I could see women grabbing all up on my junk . But this was inexplicable .
She was pretty cute , aside from being tiny (what's the deal women seem to be getting shorter) maybe I was supposed to follow here and we were going to get it on on top of the produce . I was so startled I just got the hell out of there . Fun fact I was once molested by a professional wrestler who was so drunk he thought I was a chick . It was a proud day for us all .
In other news I've been home the last few Saturday nights , which is unusual for a fellow with a busy social calender like myself , and I've naturally been stopping on the soft core porn channel when flipping around . What I realized last night is there's not a lot of racial diversity in soft core porn . In hardcore porn even if you're not watching some genre specific ethnicity deal they usually throw in a woman of color or two , but in softcore its all white people . Which is lame . White people are boring . What I've been searching for all my porn life is a scene with a Native American dude and an Asian lady . That's gold right there .
While we're on the subject where is there such a dearth of Indian ladies in porn ? Come on , there's like a billion people in India and some of them are probably women ; get with the program porn industry .
Instapol #1
Who's hotter ?
Aarti Mann
Hannah Simone
Janina Gavankar
Instapol #2
If there was a dude with a magic cock that granted wishes , would you suck it ?
I would . And then I'd wish that I hadn't sucked that guys cocks . Bam , paradox , world unraveled , I win . One time I posted a real poll on here and it got 500 views and only 3 people voted . Lazy bastards . Voting is what America is all about you scumbags . Vote or die that's my motto .
Actually my motto is ladies drink free . I think we all knew that .
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Ewoks vs. zombies
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Posted:Dec 29, 2012 10:03 am
Last Updated:Dec 7, 2018 6:43 pm
74662 Views
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First things first , I just did my 5 day liquid diet . It was the worst thing ever . But I survived . I am the greatest hero this world had ever seen . The gorging and vomiting that followed was less heroic , but you can't have everything . Point is I'm starting to wonder if my doctor doesn't know what she's doing . Everything I've read on the internet (always a reliable source) says you shouldn't do a liquid diet for more than 2-3 days . Towards the end I'm pretty sure I was blacking out like a lot . Also one of the times I was in before she had me give her a semen sample . I didn't think anything of it at the time , but afterwards that seems very strange .
I was running low on reading material so I made a visit to the half price book store (one of these days I am going to open up the quarter price book store and drive them out of business) and it was packed to the gills . Turns out they're having a 20% off sale . I always have to shake my head ruefully when this happens . The books also already half off , another 20% doesn't make that much difference - but still people come in droves . And my rueful head shaking turns to angry scowling when I hear this ;
"Awesome the books are 70% off !"
No . No they're not . Remember a few months ago when everything was 50% off ? Were the books free ? That's right , they weren't . What can you extrapolate from this ?
I wish I wasn't a jerk like that but I am . And I've made my peace with that (unfortunately) .
The other days I was chatting with one of candidates for a new work wife (my work divorce was almost 2 years ago , its time to move on right ?) and we were talking about if there was any team of 5 x-men that would lose a fight to the original five X-men . It was decided that Dazzler , Jubilee , Pixie , Ariel & Hepzibah is the worst team we could come up with . Anyway , that's neither here nor there , this gave way (naturally) to a discussion of how Rik James and Randy "Macho Man" Savage would have fared in a zombie apocalypse (this was a split decision) which lead us right into a debate about zombies against ewoks .
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Like most I hated the ewoks - they're basically teddy bears right ? Give me Jawas any day . But looking back on it as an adult (of sorts) I realize the ewoks for all their furry cuteness were pretty vicious little bastards . Right off the bat they're going to eat people - just for the hell of it . They had plenty of other food but if you get caught in their net you're going to be eaten (unless you're a god) . Not only that , but they don't even kill you before they start cooking you . That is pretty hardcore right there .
But they weren't going to cook Princess Leia were they ? No sir . They gave her a pretty dress and did her hair . Why ? They had plans for her . PLANS. You know what I'm saying ? I think Han and Luke being burned alive and devoured would have been the lucky ones in the long run .
And then there's the fact they had no problem with going to war with the Empire for no god damn reason at all - they just felt like getting involved in a war with a hugely superior and technologically advanced force . Clearly ewoks do not give a fuck . They will throw down at any time for any reason .
So zombies ? Please . The real threat of the zombie invasion is the loss of technology . How many people could survive truly on their own ? Like 8 , in the whole world . Even if the zombies don't get you (which they will) you'll starve or die of diphtheria or something lame . You suck is the point . But the ewoks are stone age screwheads anyway - their swinging logs and hang gliders are going to work just fine while they're foraging through the forest for food which is what they do all the time anyway . And you know when spears run out of ammo ? Never . Ewoks would own zombies .
And even if there were too many zombies for them to easily handle so what ? They're safe in their tree villages . Zombies can't climb . That is fact . When I mentioned this the lady I was talking to said she didn't know the ewoks lived in tree villages . I almost smacked her in the face right there . Some other dude who felt the need to butt into our very engrossing conversation said ewoks live on Endor .
THEY LIVE ON A MOON OF ENDOR YOU MORON ! GO DIE IN FIRE !
Anyway , speaking of zombies , I haven't read the Walking Dead graphic novels in years so I've re-read the first few volumes . I didn't realize how much the show strayed from the comics . Which usually would annoy me but I don't mind - I think the show is better actually . The comic does have a lot more black characters though , which since its supposed to be set in Atlanta makes a lot more sense .
In other news before I found out that I didn't have the ass cancer I had the very strong urge to have some anal sex . Weird huh ?
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If there's one lesson I can impart to you , its don't get your hopes up
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Posted:Dec 23, 2012 8:02 am
Last Updated:Feb 12, 2013 12:46 pm
74458 Views
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There's a couple ladies on this here website that look at my profile almost every day . Once upon a time I used to think to myself "Hey , that probably means they're interested in me they just can't contact me ." Thankfully I have been disabused of that notion (with extreme prejudice) . I'm sure I just show up in the "dudes online recently" and they think to themself "This picture it totally hot , why haven't I contacted this fat guy already?" And then they re-read my profile and remember why .
By the way , when is one of you lazy bastards going to re-write my profile for me ?
One of them I don't get at all because her profile is all about her "craving black cock" and has tons of pictures of her expressing her love for black cock with her sumptuous mouth . I have been mistaken for Asian once , and Hispanic (or is it Latino ?) a couple times based on my picture ; which I don't get because I'm white as newly driven snow , but no one could ever mistake me for being black .
Speaking of which when I was getting groceriers today some hot young thing was ranting to her hot young friend about how she "doesn't believe in diversity and doesn't support it ." Even after 35 years of life on this planet it still takes me aback when ladies are prejudice . I don't know why but on a core level that I can't seem to change I think women are nicer and more accepting than men , which is funny because my mom is totally a racist and kind of mean .
I would like to point out though that saying you don't believe in diversity doesn't make grammatical sense . You could say I don't believe in diversity in hiring practices or something like that , but diversity as a concept is something that is - not something you choose to believe or not .
Also the other day the guy who's exploded from the downed power line called me a "Gay impotent homo molester" which if both redundant and contradictory . I guess if you're impotent you could still want to molest childs .
In other news I've recently become too fat for XL shirts so I bought some XXL . They're WAY too big . Honest to Grod I could wear them as a minidress . I'm alwaysed preplexed by how hard it is to find clothes that fit my fat belly . As the media loves to point out every single person in America is overweight . Why aren't corporations cashing in on this ?
And now , because I always make fun of other people when they do it , I post song lyrics at you
This is a song for the ladies
But fellas listen closely
You don't always have to fuck her hard
In fact sometimes that's not right to do
Sometimes you've got to make some love
And fucking give her some smoochies too
Sometimes ya got to squeeze
Sometimes you've got to say please
Sometime you've got to say hey
I'm gonna Fuck you softly
I'm gonna screw you gently
I'm gonna hump you sweetly
I'm gonna ball you discreetly
And then you say hey I bought you flowers
And then you say wait a minute sally
I think I got somethin in my teeth
Could you get it out for me
That's fucking teamwork
What's your fave posish?
That's cool with me
It's not my favorite
But I'll do it for you
What's your favorite dish?
I'm not gonna cook it
But I'll order it from Zanzibar
And then I'm gonna love you completely
And then I'll fucking fuck you discreetly
And then I'll fucking bone you completely
But then I'm gonna fuck you hard
Hard
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We did it ! (mostly me)
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Posted:Dec 22, 2012 9:50 am
Last Updated:Jul 7, 2016 5:09 pm
74462 Views
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I talked to my dumb doctor last night and the good new is that I do not , repeat do not , have the cancer of the asshole . The bad news is I will need to go on a liquid diet for 5 days so I'll probably die anyway . Nevertheless I feel this calls for a celebration . Did someone say pizza party ?
Alright , I had an awesome(ly disturbing) pizza party picture I wanted to post but I couldn't get it to work . That image above comes up when you search for pizza party - which I find intriguing . I see nothing that makes me think of anything that has anything to do with a pizza party . Also that chick doesn't seem particularly fat . But hey , who I am to judge ? Sometimes people tell me that I'm not fat and it infuriates me because I am . Although 5 days on all liquids the pounds will just melt off right ? Right ?
As I'm sure you all remember I mentioned her had a Medium sized snowstorm here in the great state of Iowa and one of my friends has been without power since Wednesday night (which is strange because he lives in the rich people zone) . I was talking to him last night and he said he's starting to get worried his is going to cut him open an climb in to stay warm like a "smaller better smelling tauntaun ." Which is one of the better things I've heard in a while .
I had the tauntaun toy when I was a - its was the balls . I loved that thing . I used to put Starbursts in its belly - that way I always had Starbursts . I could also post a picture I found of a dude humping a lady tauntaun but I'm not going to as my gift to you . You are welcome .
Anyway this post was mostly about the non-cancer thing , but I feel the need to pad it as I get paid by the word and I'm kind of flat ass broke right now . So , I present to you ; a guide to the high five .
The Standard Five ; Use then you agree on something trivial (tacos are delicious)
The Grab and Shake ; Use when you do something that mutually benefits both parties (buying condoms)
The Grab and Shake with Muscle Flex ; Use to express and extra level of bromanship (let's make our biceps wink at each other)
The Fist Bump ; Use when you don't want to look like a real estate agent (used to add a level or hipness , now has become lame ; thanks white people)
The Painful Slap ; Use when you're required to congratulate someone but resent their accomplishment (my specialty)
The Trick ; Use when you want to get your ass kicked (okay if you're 5 or under)
The Chest Bump ; Use when you observe or take part of a victory (ladies can bump stomachs if they want but I encourage them to jump into the air and smash their nipples together)
The High Ten ; Use when you've done something truly impressive (losing your virginity)
The Jumping High Ten ; ONLY use when you've done something cosmically amazing (defeating the Kraken , growing a second penis ; or first if you're a lady)
One time many years ago a lady high fived me after sex . It was one of the better moments of my life because you can fake an orgasm (and I do , all the time) but you can't fake a high five .
I should put that on a t-shirt . That's a goldmine right there .
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I think we can all agree the most important part of an orgy is the hats
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Posted:Dec 20, 2012 5:16 pm
Last Updated:Dec 30, 2012 9:25 am
74620 Views
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I had composed (in my MIND) a long and vitriolic (yet hilarious) "open letter" to the dude who's died outside my house this morning after it stupidly jumped on a downed power line . But I've decided not to post it , not just because of legal reasons , not just because I might lose some of the 4 watchers I have left because people like dogs and I blasted them pretty good , but mostly because I'm having kind of a rough time right now and maybe hatred and bile isn't what I need to be spewing right now . A positive attitude cures all ills right ? I totally just coined an expression .
So instead of verbally (and not to his face) raking this moron and his moronic dead over the coals I'm going to . . . . not do that . So this is one of those posts that just a post for the sake of posting . Which are dumb but it makes me feel slightly better . But I'm going to do it without shooting hate rays everywhere , which is hard for me ; doubly so because we had a snowstorm here and like magic everyone forgot how to drive in snow (like they do every damn year) .
I watched a video on this here website where a handsome young lady was giving a skinny dude sex de oral . He popped off in approximately 30 seconds . Which made me feel better because I didn't know there was anyone out there over the age of 18 that ejaculated faster than me .
Turning to the professionals , I was perusing the scenes in an adult film wherein the theme was orgies (having them) . In almost every one most of the people were wearing pirates hats or feather headdresses or some kind of non-standard headgear . Its was intriguing . I never knew unique haberdashery was such an important part of group sex . I got so caught up in checking out the hats I didn't even porn out like I had planned . Also it got me off on a tangent thinking of when the British army first started wearing red coats (1645) and when the New Model Army was abolished (1660) . Then I got distracted thinking about the time I lost a trivia contest because I forgot the inscription on the One Ring was in the dark language of Mordor and not Elvish .
Anyway , I never saw how the orgy turned out . My guess
99% chance a bunch of dudes jack off on a bunch of lady faces
1% chance Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just finished re-reading "Crimes Against Logic" , here's what I learned ;
1.Logic is the study of the principles of valid inference and sound reasoning .
2.Logic is archaic , which is why many people in today's world simply choose to ignore it .
3.Logic is that thing that has to do with the guy that time in the place with the thing over there . You know ?
4.It's heavier so it goes up . Apparently , being able to prove that means I can be a physics major .
5.No , really , I'm a physics major and it happened once . Don't ask , just listen to what the scientists tell you .
Logic was discovered by someone living in a cave a really long time ago because he was sick of everyone doing stupid things like dying and other mundane daily occurrences . Much later , a few thousand years actually , some ancient Greek guys decided logic was pretty awesome and wrote a bunch of books about it . Unfortunately , no one except those with already-superior logic skills understand their roundabout , ass-backwards writing style that clearly was not meant for average mortals .
Then logic disappeared for a while and there were some corrupt popes , some feudalism , some feudal lords , some corrupt popes who were feudal lords , some corrupt popes' sons who were feudal lords and became popes ; you get the idea . Apparently , they didn't get the idea and they had silly things like crusades to find some cup and take some land and self-flagellation to repent for whatever sins might have infected them with that plague that nearly destroyed Europe . Of course this was a more innocent time when hacking up Muslims in the Holy Land was a pretty cool idea and being bled with leeches was the only way to cure a cold .
Some years later , some crazy people decided it would probably suck if the Turks got hold of all that random junk Constantine had dumped in Constantinople a thousand years before and the Renaissance began . Suddenly , there was logic again . All sorts of shenanigans ensued , such as : some guy thinking people might be able to fly , Turks not taking over the Western world , Spain thinking they were awesome , America telling the Brits to get back on their boats , and French people chopping off heads by the dozen .
Logic is not to be found in modern society . Due to our lack of logic as a species , we should expect more crusades soon and probably bleeding with leeches to drain evil fluids . Additionally , we may see feudalism become the common socioeconomic system and self-flagellation might be the new cool thing to do in a few years .
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones ."
- Albert Einstein
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40deuce - married man without wife
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Posted:Dec 19, 2012 4:53 pm
Last Updated:Jan 28, 2015 5:35 am
73570 Views
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I'm not sure how it happened , but I found myself in a casual conversation with on of my co-workers - I must have gotten distracted . I mentioned my sister lives near Omaha and she said "I grew up on Omaha , do you and your wife go out that way a lot ?" I explained to her that I'm not married (and I'm basically a shut in so no , I don't go out that way a lot) and she looked somewhat dismayed . She told me that "everyone" in the office thinks I'm married ; which is a exaggeration surely , but still kind of weird . I was somewhat offended at first because obviously that's the reason why I'm not plowing all the office hotties , but when I thought about it more closely I can see why people might think that .
I'm in horrible shape
I dress like a slob
I shuffle around with a kind of sad mopey demeanor
I have no remaining hopes or dreams or aspirations
I rarely have sexual intercourse
I never have any plans for the weekend
I randomly break down sobbing and fondle myself
I show little to no hope for the future
These are all signs of a married dude . Looking at it now I have no idea why someone WOULDN'T think I was married , ring or no ring .
You know , its funny , I get tons of complains about my blog (WAY out of proportion to the # of people that read it) but its never about the stuff I think it will be (like hating on marriage) its usually for something weird .
Speaking of which a fancy sophisticated lady took exception to my blog yesterday wherein I stated that most women are not turned on by being spanked . After a lively debate I conceded the point that neither one of us was really in any position to say what most women think about spanking one way or the other . A classy move on my part right ?
Not good enough . She insisted that because she and "all her friends" like being spanked that meant that most other women did to . I pointed out that its was foolhardy to extrapolate anything from such a small and homogeneous sample size . After I explained to her what homogeneous meant she pressed on stating that all the women on Senior Sizzle like being spanked . Besides not being true (probably - all the women except one maybe I've met on here were hankering for a spankering) that's still not a sample you can extrapolate from and expect meaningful result .
"Why not ?" she demanded boobily .
"Because all the women on Senior Sizzle are deviant sex freaks" I replied , humorously .
She didn't care for that . That was a hilarious joke of course , but the underlying premise is pretty much true . A random sample of women is going to give you more plausible results than a sample of women on Senior Sizzle ; or any kind of "club" revolving around a specific interest . Plus people seem to have trouble with the word deviant . It doesn't mean bad right ?
de·vi·ant (de've-ent)
adj.
Differing from the norm
Most women are not on Senior Sizzle so those that are are deviants . Its not a moral judgment (not literally anyway , improper usage is another matter of course) . Conversely since 99% of the men in the world are on Senior Sizzle the few who aren't are deviants .
Anyway , here's a picture of something
[image]
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40deuce faces his deadliest opponent yet - his own ass !
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Posted:Dec 17, 2012 6:14 pm
Last Updated:Dec 18, 2012 4:52 pm
71649 Views
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I tend not to reveal too much about myself online/here in this bloghole (on account of the Slender Man) , sidenote that's apparently the reason a lot of people stop reading my blog , but its been brought to my attention that by whining about your problems people will pretend to feel sorry for you - its something called sympathy and I'm told it might get you something called laid .
I went to the doctor Friday on account of various "symptoms" (hint I thought about writing a blog entitled 'how much blood in your stool is too much blood' a while ago) to get some blood work and various other things done . Given my family history in my "expert" medical opinion the likely culprit is Diverticulitis however as the doctor was eager to point out I could also have polyps in my anus which is a good indicator of what is known in technical terms as ass cancer . I was hoping the answer would be aggressive ass play , but it turns out I've never done that . Who knew ?
Anyway , I get the result in a couple days - which I'm sure will be "well we can rule out some stuff but we need to do more tests - how much cash have you got on you ?" I'm a little worried about it honestly but as we all learned from South Park there are plenty of reasons blood might be springing forth bountifully from you butthole . PLENTY .
I promise you this readers - no matter what the prognosis (diagnosis ?) is , I will not be defeated by my own ass . Not again .
If however I drop dead tomorrow , here are things I was going to blog about in the near future that you need to take up in memory of me . Carry on my legacy of mildly interest non sequiters .
"Swingle" , I met a dude and this was his last name - this needs to be a new term for a person who's single but likes to swing
A while ago I heard one lady say "Becky , it was ALL over my THIGHs" ; I was going to speculate about that , and also mention the intro to "Baby Got Back" .
Post title "Beard Boots Belt Butt Beard" - I had no content in mind for this
I was going to regale everyone with a humorous and greatly embellished re-telling of the first time I made sweet sweet love to a lady's asshole - there was going to be a bit where I threw down the condom and it turned into a snake and we both laughed (like in the Bible , except of the laughter [probably])
In other news my cat has a tumor on his leg and I'm taking him to the vet for a biopsy tomorrow (more happy news) which just confirms my hated for love . If I didn't love this stupid cat I would spend another billion dollars on a creature that's already lived 60 times longer than a cat should .
Sidenote - Can I have some money ?
Anyway , enough stupid stuff about my stupid self - on with the blog !
There's apparently a condom company called Durex that makes super huge condoms for super huge cocks . Above is an ad they ran a while ago . I don't get it . The message appears to be "Dude your dick his so huge it will totally bust a woman's jaw !" Which makes you want to buy condoms why ? I guess that's how those Joker chicks on Halloween got their scars .
Also I never understood what the deal was with Magnums and other "big" condoms - a condom can fit over your head , why would it matter ? But my gal pal said her ex couldn't wear normal condoms without them breaking so it must be a real thing . She also said he was a lousy lay but I think that was mostly for my benefit . She's nicely misguided like that .
Anyway , protect your mouths ladies - apparently there's some monster cocks out there that want to tear you up . Although it makes sense that you'd want to wear a condom for oral if you were going to make your partner bleed , so maybe its a better ad than I thought .
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Survival of the blowjobiest
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Posted:Dec 14, 2012 12:12 pm
Last Updated:Dec 16, 2012 3:34 pm
73495 Views
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The book I'm reading currently is about the Hyksos invasion of Egypt that's (allegedly) most actual historical accounts from the time . I have my doubts about that personally , but lets go with it . There's many amusing parts , such as when one of the Pharaoh's scribes first saw the Hyksos riding around on their chariots and he essentially said "Wow , our civilization is retarded - we've been moving huge blocks with rollers for centuries and the wheel never occurred to us ?"
Also amusing if how hypocritical and self-aggrandizing the Egyptians are (the Hyksos despite crushing the most awesome kingdom in the world at the time were illiterate losers so is all from the Egyptian point of view) there's a bunch of times where they say stuff like "The Hyksos are evil because they are enslaving people , I asked my slaves about it and they all agreed ."
About half the writing is the from the same dude (who was a slave) who claims to have invented pretty much everything in the whole empire , designed all the palaces and pyramids , and put Wilt Chamberlain to shame with the ladies . Other parts I like a lot ; the Egyptians trying to tame hippos to pull chariots , the Egyptians attacking elephants because they though they looked "weak and docile" , the Egyptians believing their queen in exile had been impregnated by the ghost of the Pharaoh 6 times (because what other explanation could there be ?) .
But one of the most interesting parts to me is an account from a soldier who was in one the first cities overrun by the Hyksos . The Hyksos set about killing all the men over the age of 6 (as was the custom at the time) and this dude decided it would be a good idea to disguise himself as a woman . Apparently he had the figure to pull it off . Now like any good soldier his duty was to get the hell out of there , hook back up with the army and tell them what happened . Which he did . By way of sucking a lot of Hyksos' dicks . For those of you not familiar with the concept it looks something like this (I think)
He made it back to the Egyptian lines and delivered them all sorts of useful intelligence about the Hyksos that some would say allowed them to eventually defeat them and reclaim their kingdom . He was probably about to get the medal or something when someone said ;
"So how did you get away anyway ?"
Needless to say his story didn't go over very well - despite the fact that homosexuality (for dudes anyway) was all the range with the upper class at the time . He got the shit kicked out of him , his balls cut off , and he was exiled (which didn't stop him from reenlisting in the army under an assumed name) . Which is pretty silly . If you're willing to suck a few dicks in the service of your country isn't that a good thing ?
And I bet today would be no different . You think if a US soldier was captured , escaped , and came back with the details of a plot to say - murder the president - and he did it with a few well timed blowjobs , that people would think he was a hero ? Doubtful . People are weird like that .
So , my question to you , would you suck dick to survive ? I would . I'll do anything to cling to life for even a few more seconds . And I mean ANYTHING . Survive at all costs is one of my many mottos . I don't understand these people with DNR orders . Sure you'll probably live out the rest of your life as a mindless vegetable but what about the .00000000000000001% chance of something insane happening ? Like the second coming of Jesus ? Or the arrival of aliens with the cure for everything ever ? Or leprechauns ? Don't rule out the chance of the impossible . My orders to my people are to keep me plugged into whatever machines I need for as long as they can - going into financial and personal ruin to do if need be .
Sidenote , how many aliens dicks would you suck for the cure to cancer ? If you said anything other than "as many as it takes" you are worse than Hitler .
In a somewhat related story , the other day my gal pal and I were talking about being trapped in an avalanche and I did admit that if I NEEDED to I would have no compunction about resorting to cannibalism . However I did promise that I would "eat her" before I ate her which I feel is a pretty classy move . Don't get me wrong , I'm not one of those people who resorts to cannibalism way too quickly - but if push comes to shove I will devour you and everyone you love .
Merry Christmas readers
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Play dirty
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Posted:Dec 11, 2012 5:27 pm
Last Updated:Dec 14, 2012 11:11 am
74030 Views
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A few years back when poker was briefly popular I played a lot (LOT) of Texas Hold 'Em , I probably still would if you legally play online in Iowa . It got the point where I gave some semi-serious consideration to quitting my job and playing full time - and then I playing 11 games in a row without winning a single hand . Thanks god , that would have been a horrible decision .
One time for "fun" my regular group of suckers played most of the night with one of them dirty packs of cards . And I mean really dirty , these weren't just naked ladies nakeding it up , this was full on porno action . The funny thing is after a few hands you could kind of tell what cards someone had by the way they were looking at them . Hmm he's tilting that card halfway to the left - that's the jack of spades . It was slightly amusing .
Also Rounders is a great movie . One quote I throw out all the time when people say poker is all luck ;
"Then why are the same five guys at the final table at the world series of poker every year ? They're the luckiest guys in the world ?"
Also as long I'm throwing down quotes here's one I like from a show nobody watched ;
"So that's the secret to Girls Gone Wild - hypnosis . "
"What did you think ? TV turned a whole generation of girls into sleazy whores ? That we normalized promiscuous behavior to the point where college chicks would get naked for millions of masturbating men for the price of a trucker's hat ?"
We Americans love to talk about our wars . We love learning about them , we love making movies about them and we really , really love pretending to punch Hitler in the face . It's why we spend half our time claiming that our political opponents are Nazis ; our generation missed out on the chance to go after the real thing .
Unfortunately , war is an incredibly complex , ever-changing topic , and understanding military history is both time-consuming and very , very hard work . So I'm going to explain it in terms most anyone can understand: ex-girlfriends .
The American Revolution
The First One . It wasn't that great , you had no idea what you were doing and the sex was clumsy and awkward , but in your mind it will live on in legend . But you're ready for the next one . You need the next one . In fact , you're so desperate for another chance to touch real , actual boobs that you wind up with . . .
The War of 1812
The Forgettable One . She just kind of happened . You guess . Really , you don't remember much aside from a few evenings spent groping around and an utterly disappointing trip to the Olive Garden . If you had to make a list of your former lovers , she would rank as "Included" . Some people claim that she's the one who burn down your last apartment , but whatever . You wanted to move anyway . It didn't last very long , and you were glad when it was over , but at least she helped prepare you for . . .
The Civil War
The Crazy One . This girl was into anything . You invented new shit just to keep up with her , and it still wasn't enough . She partied harder than anyone you've ever met , invented no fewer than 14 new positions and spent half your relationship trying to convince some British guy to come over for a threesome . She openly wondered how cool it must have looked when your last apartment burned to the ground . You're hung over just thinking about her , although you still love to fantasize about the unbelievable things she let you do . You had to swear off dating for a while just to catch your breath , right up until your friends dragged you into . . .
World War I
The Setup . Your friends had this great girl , someone they knew from work . They wanted you two to get together . Really wanted you to get together . Like , desperately . It got weird . Of course , it had been a while since you'd been with anyone , and you were kind of reluctant , but your friends just wouldn't take no for an answer . Finally you gave in , if only to shut them up . You and she went out for a little while , and you had a few good times , but it wasn't that special for either of you . Frankly , it seemed to mean a lot more to your friends than to you . But at least you were back in the game , which opened the door for . . .
World War II
The One . True Love . The one by which all others will henceforth be judged . You thought you knew what love was before , but you were wrong . She was perfect . Beautiful , smart and incredibly sexy . She helped you forgive your friends for the Setup . Your parents were proud of you for dating her . Sex ? Please . She did things the Crazy One never even dreamed of . While you were with her , it felt like you could take over the world . She pushed you to become a better man , and you will always be grateful to her for it . You still carry her picture in your wallet . If it hadn't been for that time you caught her with her Russian co-worker , you would still be together . Unfortunately , you did , which led directly to . . .
The Korean War
The Rebound . What can you say ? It was short and unsatisfying for everyone involved , and by the time it ended , you were more relieved than anything else . There wasn't even that much attraction there ; she just kind of happened to be available and it seemed like a good idea at the time . It's not that anything went particularly wrong , though . At the end , things kind of returned to the status quo , unlike . . .
Vietnam
The Dirty Hook-Up . Wow, do you regret this one . Like , bone-deep shame-style regret . You wouldn't even admit that it happened at all except for your one asshole friend who absolutely had to tell the entire world . You don't remember how she got into your life . Maybe your friends might have introduced you to her ? It might be time to get new friends .
Still , it wasn't so bad at first . She was new and exotic , had a few ideas you'd never tried before and reminded you just enough of The One that you could close your eyes at night and pretend . But then things got out of control . She started calling constantly and at all hours . She spent all your money and ran up a huge credit card bill . You never knew whether she was coming over to have sex or pick a fight . You tried to call it off , you really did , but it never seemed to work . No matter how confident you were the night before , somehow you always woke up the next morning back in bed with her . She wasn't even that hot . After it was finally over , she trashed your car with a baseball bat . It took forever to get rid of her , and you swore that you would learn your lesson . Seriously . The next time will be different .
After all , there are plenty of fish in the sea .
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Attention freaks , I need your input por favor
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Posted:Dec 8, 2012 11:47 am
Last Updated:Mar 20, 2013 5:00 pm
76056 Views
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Sex is great and all but I've reached the point in my life where I really need to start making some money with it or it just not worth the time and effort and thanks to the three strikes law and the various anti-pimping and pandering bills passed recently I need to do it without resorting to (sadly) . But don't worry , I have an idea . What I've realized is that people that are into fetishes are willing (or compelled) to shell out big bucks to satisfy their non-conventional desires . I know people personally who had to choose between a new ball gag and paying the electricity - long story short its winter in Iowa but at least the ball bag keeps their teeth from chattering .
The point is making money off people with strange erotic desires is the way to go - they're a captive audience if you will (you will) . And the key to making the big bucks is to start a new trend and offer a new service or product . Which is why I've decided the hot new fetish is going to be hornet play (wasps and yellowjackets work too but that's the name - no bees) . So my questions to you freaky freaks ;
How many hornet stings do you think you'd need to achieve orgasm ?
Would you rather buy your hornets on a "as you go" basis or get them as part of a deal where they're delivered to your house each month ?
Do you have a moral objection to capturing wild hornets ?
Would you like your farm raising hornets to be free range ?
Would you be interested in a book about how to host a hornet party ?
How much would you be willing to pay for a dozen hornets ?
Really any input you have would be great . I think there's also a bug squishing fetish of some kind so I guess you could combine the two , but that thought makes me a little uneasy so keep it to yourself weird . And yes , I am judging you - now give me your money .
In other news I learned a new word the other day - which is one of my favorite things .
Concatenate - adjective , linked together ; transitive verb , to link together in a series or chain
As in "I concencated my junk to your mom's face last night bro ."
Speaking of moma's the other day as the self appointed dress code enforcer of the building I felt compelled to confront a young lady who was violating no less than FOUR strictures of the employee code of conduct ; as in
Exposed tattoo (flower of back of neck)
Skirt above the knee (WAY above)
Heels taller than 4" (they were six inches if they were a cm)
Sheer top (I saw everything)
Somehow my moralistic rant turned into a discussion of Richard Cheese and Lounge Against the Machine and she mentioned that Aperitif for Destruction was the weakest of their studio albums (which is true but its still pretty good) and then she laughed and asked "What is an aperitif anyway ? Part of a tuxedo ?"
"Well I'm no expert" I remarked , "but I believe its a libation of some kind prior to a meal ."
"And what's a libation ."
"Your momma !"
Classic .
On other other news the big boss of my department spend 4 hours trying to figure out when Scheels opens on Friday . When someone asked her "why don't you just call the store ?" I thought she was going to fire them right on the spot .
And now for a digestif and a nap - I've earned it with cromulet blogging like this .
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To link to this blog (40Deuce) use [blog 40Deuce] in your messages.
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