I'm a man of my word (WARNING - contains a 100% nude picture of 40deuce)
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Posted:Mar 17, 2013 8:33 am
Last Updated:Mar 18, 2013 3:39 pm
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I like a good quote . One of my favorites is "The only sensible way to live is without rules ." People often look askance at my face because I draw inspiration , for lack of a better word , from movies and television shows . Which I find quite odd , because storytelling is the way people learn . Those just happen to be the medium most stories are told these days . I find it hard to believe those same people would say of one of the parables in the Bible "That's just a STORY ." Yep , it sure is , that's kind of the point . People (especially stupid people like me) learn by listening to stories .
Anyway , many people misinterpret that to mean that you should run around in a nihilistic orgy of doing whatever you want all the time . Which you should , IF that's what you chose to do rather than it being the result of rule . Life is about making choices , rules take away choices , ergo having rules is the same as suicide . That's a gross and hilarious exaggeration obviously , but making a choice is what makes a person who they are . I don't mess around with married people (on purpose - I've been fooled a few times) but its not because I have a rule against it . I can't think of what it might be , but I am 100% certain that there are any number of scenarios were I would totally get it on with a married lady (or dude in some of the more unlikely scenarios) . Its not about following a rule , its about deciding what I want to do .
Another one that I both love and hate is "Good things come to those who wait ." If there's one thing I could encourage modern humans in America to have more of its patience . Louis CK has a funny bit about people getting mad at their smartphones when they don't work instantly .
"You realize that's sending a beam to space right ? Space-space , where astronauts go . Can you wait ONE second for it to get back some SPACE so you can know who was in the video for Hungry Like the Wolf you fucker ?"
So while I want to encourage patience , good things really only come to those to go out and get them . If I've learned one thing in my dumb life (and I haven't) its that being passive gets you jack in this world . If you want something you have to try to get it . You'll probably fail , but that's a topic for another time .
And of course , the best quote ever ;
"See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want us to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!"
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If your morals are situational you have no morals
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Posted:Mar 16, 2013 12:01 pm
Last Updated:Mar 23, 2013 8:39 am
85884 Views
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Friday morning when I rolled into work I said "Good morning" to one of co-workers . Immediately I regretted doing so . Engaging with these circus animals just upsets me . I don't know what got into me .
"Good morning , how are you doing ?" she replied boobily
"Not bad , how about yourself ?"
Why ? Why did I do it ? Rookie mistake , I should know better by now .
"Great" she responded moronily "I've already reached incentive so I don't need to do anything the rest of the month ."
RAGE
I've worked in a lot of difference corporate hellholes and the one thing that they all have in common - the incentive program is 100% counter-productive . I know , KNOW , its not true but there's no way I can make my brain believe that the world wouldn't be a slightly better place if I could wail on people with a sock full of Canadian dimes .
In other news the History Channel sucks . I used to like it but its all "reality" garbage now . Thankfully they still have some good stuff on History International . Like the History of Sex . Last time I watched that they mentioned when they were talking about the Kama Sutra that at that time (sometime on the 4th century they think) the average man had a penis length of 4 inches , compared to the average of 6 inches now .
How they hell could they know that ?
I mean I know in modern times all doctors secretly measure your penis (which is why they have you turn your head) and record it in the International Registry of Penises but there is no way - NO WAY - they can know how big the average penis was 1600 years ago . I'm willing to put up with a lot from historians and anthropologist and archaeologists since they job is mostly to make shit up , but this time they've gone too far . If anyone can give me 1 plausible reason how they could know the penis size of a man even 200 years ago I will post a fully nude picture of myself on my next blog . Because someone said they wanted to see that one time for some reason . Probably early onset Alzheimer's .
Also , did you know that the Kama Sutra was written about the same time as the New Testament ? Think about it .
Anyway , the point of the History of Sex thing about ancient men and their tiny wangs was that you shouldn't do the 700 things in the Kama Sutra that offer the deepest penetration possible in traditional intercourse , essentially turning your penis into one of those armor piercing bullets from Lethal Weapon 3 .
Being positioned for the deepest possible penetration isn't doing anyone any favors unless you're attempting to drill your partner's uterus for oil (if you do have oil in your uterus please give me a call - I know people in the industry) The most common injury is tearing the vaginal wall , but if the guy goes in too far he could end up knocking so hard on the cervix that it ruptures . Basically , if you don't stay in constant communication with each other while attempting this position , you're basically flying blind while performing very delicate surgery with a mallet .
Also I learned a valuable lesson at work on Friday - never look someone in the eye when they're eating a banana .
Its just awkward for everyone .
I also learned that a lot of my friends hate Jimmy Johns . I guess I need new friends . Again .
Anyway , getting the thing about the morals . Its turns out that you're supposed to lie in a job interview . The whole point (apparently) is to prove to the HR person that you're smart enough to come up with a good lie instead of saying the awful , awful truth . I've been going on a lot of interviews lately and while in my mind I'm much better than I used to be , the feedback I've been getting has been mostly negative . So I turned to the HR lady I went on a few dates with many years ago for help . And she confirmed , the person interviewing you not only expects you to lie , that's what they're judging you on . If you tell you truth you are a loser .
Point is I'm never getting another job and am a loser . But on the plus side if I ever travel back in time I'll have a huge cock .
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In my defense Kevin Bacon had some pretty shapely arms 20 years ago
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Posted:Mar 13, 2013 5:10 pm
Last Updated:Jan 1, 2014 7:14 am
85564 Views
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Once a long time ago (when we were young) I blogged a blog about the idea of having sex with a freaky sex robot . At the time I was supremely disappointed because I could not find any video of a dude humping his scary sex robot . Turns out I was just looking for the wrong thing . There are TONS of videos out there of dudes fucking their "realistic" sex dolls . Highly disturbing . Of course I checked out the website where you can buy them . Highly hilarious . Some of the options you can add to your sex doll ;
Elf ears
R2-D2 "face"
REAL HAIR EYEBROWS !!!
Shemale attachment
Tan lines
Pubic hair
Freckles
Extra or Replacement Tongue
Labia Repair Kit (of course)
and the clincher
Second-hand Doll Cleaning Kit
I don't like to judge (I'm lying , I love it) but if you're in the market for a second hand sex doll you have made poor life choices . Would I ever buy a sex doll ? No , and not just because they're 6 grand . Would I try one out if the company gave me one for free ? Probably . I'm a much bigger scumbag than I realize sometimes .
The website makes a BIG deal out of how their dolls can fit in a suitcase . At first I thought this was insane because I can't imagine anyone needing their sex doll so much they'd travel with it . But then I realized that's probably just for keeping it around at home . I mean even if you don't care about people knowing you hump a fake lady you still probably don't want it just sitting around .
In other news , I think its time for a new sex/baseball metaphor - the bases thing is a little timeworn . I introduce to you "the cycle" . Which is penetrating the mouth , then the vagina , then the ass , then ejaculating on the boobs . Probably won't be used much outside of porn , but still - start using it . Cycle .
The other day my gal pal told me she uses the terms "rag" and "washcloth" interchangeably . I was flabbergasted . I am now glad I've never taken a shower at her house/scary hoarder nest . Also for some reason I told her the story about how one time when I was a and my buddies and I were watching Skinemax in the wee hours of the morn and I made a lewd comment about what I thought was a lady's leg but was actually Kevin Bacon's arm when they panned out . It is kind of funny .
In other news every year where I work they bring in what I assume are homeless people given the lack of medical professionals in this country , put lab coats on them , and then we can get poked and proded by them in return for $500 . Despite my fatness I've never had any problems with my tests before , but this year while my total cholesterol was "fine" my HDL levels were way low . probably because I stopped working out back in September .
I asked the lady/possible hobo what I could do to increase these levels aside from exercise .
"Stop eating red meat every day ." She remarked hoboily
"I hardly ever eat red meat ." I said boobily
"Stop smoking ." She said crossly
"I don't smoke , never have ." I commented truthfully
"15 minute of prayer a day can help ."
Wha ? Conversation over . I believe in God . I am at least nominally a Christian . But prayer is not going to do anything about my Cholesterol . The internet says one thing that can help is 'Mild to moderate alcohol intake' . Why is everything and everyone trying to get me to drink the booze ?
Speaking of people saying weird things , a lady commented the other day "We should get rid of money and just barter because capitalism is bad ."
I understand what she was trying to say , but I really wish people would think about the meaning of what they're actually saying before they say it . As long as I'm complaining I wish even more that people would STOP translating my words into something else . I know its rare for a human , but I mean exactly what I say .
And finally , manatees are cool , and if you don't think so you aren't my friend .
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This is not a dildo
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Posted:Mar 9, 2013 11:46 am
Last Updated:Jul 29, 2013 4:30 pm
85210 Views
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Its a bullet . A bullet so big you can't even fire it out of a gun . I guess its just for show . Normally I roll my eyes when people snidely suggest that someone is compensating for something when they have a big car or a boat or what have you , but the dude that designed this ? Probably a small penis .
In other news you should read this [post 3109650] its pretty good even though I wanted to entitle a post never give up and never surrender and now I can't . Thanks a lot SBJ .
And now , because its been a while since I posted something truly nerdishly , I present the Justice League of Insanity .
Cutey Honey debuted in 1973 and is notable for being the first Japanese manga heroine . However, no one would mistake Honey for a feminist icon , as her ridiculous superpowers are right out of an anime nerd's wettest of dreams .
But first things first - the origin story , which reads like the plot of Terminator Salvation mixed with Are You There God ? It's Me Margaret . Honey Kisaragi thought she was an ordinary until she discovered that she was a super-powered android version of her dead human self (as happens at a certain time in a girl's life) . She then realized that upon shouting "Honey Flash !" her clothes would self-destruct and she would turn into a busty redheaded crime fighter (the best kind) .
The most ridiculous part of all this is that Cutey Honey's garments have exploded in every damn adventure for the past 30+ years . Heck , even Bruce Banner finally learned to buy purple chinos in bulk , but,all these years later Cutey Honey is still streaking for justice .
Flash Bomba is the creation of famed Filipino graphic novelist Mars Ravelo . Because an accident crippled his legs , Flash trained the rest of his body to become super strong . After overcoming his handicap in a Lifetime-afternoon-movie-worthy fashion , Flash did what any plucky paraplegic would do : beat up a Tikbalang (a mythic beast with a man's body and 's head) to try and steal its magic powers .
What amazing abilities did this reverse centaur give Flash Bomba ? He bestowed Flash with freakishly swollen hands and feet . Score ? Not just a little swollen ; "Dom DeLuise drunk in an apiary" swollen. In addition to being able to palm a dozen basketballs , Flash Bomba's hands have other "helpful" super-human applications . He can summon demon horses (of course) and clap loud enough to stop tornadoes which would actually be really helpful here in Tornado Alley .
When Flash Bamba saves the day the crowd is appreciative but only lukewarmly so . I believe they're thinking, "America gets Superman . Japan gets that girl whose clothes blow up . We get Hamburglar at the Manila Gay Pride Parade ."
Splatter is an ally of Captain Canuck , a Canadian version of Captain America who is frequently mistaken for Guardian (and Vindicator) Marvel Comics' own Canadian Captain America . As the sidekick of a Z-list rip-off , Splatter is just about the saddest hero alive .
His "powers" are even more depressing . Splatter carries a special paintball gun and travels around the urban jungle via trapeze ropes . When he sees criminal activity , he marks the offender with a paintball splat so Captain Canuck knows whom to punch . Imagine if Robin did nothing except scream "LOOK ! CRIME !" and you'll get a sense of Splatter's worthlessness . Also it doesn't say a lot about Captain Canuck either that he needs to be pointed in the right direction before fighting crime .
Splatter's alter ego is Manuel Ferrara , which is incidentally also the name of an award-winning French porn director . It's more plausible that Splatter is Manuel Ferrara's secret identity rather than vice versa .
There are plenty of Superman clones around the world , but few are as curious as Super Shamou . The first Inuit superhero (probably) Shamou receives his powers not from another planet or genetic mutation , but from a shaman's amulet of caribou teeth .
In 1987 , creator Barney Pattunguyak oversaw the production of a Super Shamou program for the Inuit Broadcasting Corporation . The show featured Shamou patrolling Canada's Northwest Territories , saving uncoordinated from falling off of boats and cliffs . Sadly , his exploits lasted only three episodes and one comic book . Why ? The Northwest Territories have a population of around 43k , I'm pretty sure Super Shamou simply ran out of clumsy to rescue .
In 1996 , Akihito Yoshitomi and his Japanese pals all sat down and decided that they wanted to create a new badass manga hero - so badass , that his power didn't make any god damn sense . Thus, Eat-Man was born .
What were his powers you ask ? Well , Eat-Man (also known as Bolt Crank) could eat virtually anything that he could shove into his mouth and regurgitate back as a useful object , usually through his arm . Here's the standard trajectory of an Eat-Man episode :
#1. Eat-Man consumes something lethally inedible (like gunpowder)
#2. One of Eat-Man's appendages becomes a ludicrous weapon(because why not ?)
#3. The monster soils itself out of sheer befuddlement
#4. Eat-Man blows his enemy away . Our hero silently hoping that no one notices that his power is a magical form of bulimia .
In our Justice League of Insanity , Super Shamou is Superman, Eat-Man is Green Lantern with an eating disorder , so Zsazsa Zaturnnah must be Wonder Woman , right ? Well , this Filipino Amazon has a certain something in common with Aquaman , and that thing is a penis . Somewhere , a very confused soul is wanking off .
It's actually a little more complex than that . Zsazsa doesn't have a cock - Ada, her homosexual male alter ego , does . For those of you who aren't completely insane by now , let me clarify . Our story begins when Ada , a small town beautician , discovers a stereotypically pink meteorite .
Ada then does what any normal gay man would do when faced with a large , potentially toxic space rock : Hork the whole thing down in one gulp (somewhat derivative of Eat-Man right ?).
After devouring the cosmic mineral for no good reason , Ada screams the magic word "Zaturnnah !" and transforms into ZsaZsa , supermanwoman extraordinaire ! Before you scoff at the total weirdness of Zsazsa's gender-bending escapades , know that the comic is extremely popular in the Philippines and has even been adapted into an award-winning musical . A superhero musical! Who'd be crazy enough to do that ?
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Honey you got real ugly
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Posted:Mar 7, 2013 3:48 pm
Last Updated:May 27, 2024 10:52 pm
84990 Views
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First things first - the self castigation . The other day I went crying to one of my fake internet friends about how no one had posted any comments on my last few blogs . I am deeply ashamed . I can thing of nothing more inconsequential for a person to worry about . I am disappointed in myself (and in you a little just because) and sincerely apologize to myself . And I accept my apology . And I thank myself for accepting my apology so graciously .
In other news this morning I heard someone say "Who played Keanu Reeves in the sequel to the Bus ?" Which aside from being delightfully silly gave me the best idea for a movie ever .
Remakes are totally "in" right now so I suggest a remake of Speed where Keanu and Dennis Hopper play themselves . The premise would be that Keanu is actually on an LA bus with a camera crew filming something for a new release of Speed on Blu-Ray and then Dennis Hopper hijacks the bus with explosives because he's mad he got screwed out of his fair share on the profits from some re-release . The whole thing would come to a dramatic conclusion where Jeff Daniels (played by Jeff Bridges) is blown up , ruining any possibility of a rumored sequel to Dumb and Dumber .
THEN , after the credits - the secret ending , where they show the filming of a remake of Dumb and Dumber with Keanu as Lloyd and . . . . you guessed it , Dennis Hopper as Harry .
This is my best idea ever . The hard part will be getting Dennis Hopper to sign on . On account of he's dead .
Recently American Apparel began selling some of their clothes in the image-shattering size of XL , a decision that certainly had nothing to do with having narrowly avoided bankruptcy .
To commemorate this historic event , American Apparel launched a contest called "The Next BIG Thing" because "Fatty Patty's Boulder Holders" would've been a little too on the nose. Size 12 women (provided they were "booty-ful" and had "full size fannies") were invited to upload photos of themselves for the Internet consumption .
Nancy Upton , taking umbrage at the contest's incredibly offensive verbiage , decided to submit a picture of herself holding a pie over her vagina .
I don't really get it . I like it sure , but how is this a protest exactly ? Aside from referencing a horrible Warrant song (as if there's any other kind , BAM !) I'm not sure what she was going for . Whatever kind of satire this is supposed to be it didn't really land for me .
Its kind of like when women get "revenge" on a dude who cheated on them by slutting around for a few months . I like it , it just makes no sense . Kind of like women overall . BAM !
Speaking of sizes I must have been messed up on cold medicine when I ordered some stuff on Amazon because I have a size "S" Batman shirt if anyone wants it .
In other other news I live in a state called Iowa . It has been listed as one of the safest states to live in . Our official language is English . Our motto is "Our liberties we prize and our rights we will maintain" which is mostly true . It is also home of Iowa University . Which is part of the Big Ten . This morning as I was walking into work I spied with my little eye a lady with very ample bosoms wearing an Iowa Big Ten shirt . The shirt and boobs interplayed in such a way that all you could really see if the word BIG stretched across her jiggling melons . It was quite apropos .
And finally , I met a lady today who I talk to on the phone all the time for the first time in real life . At first she was confused because "I thought you were a woman ."
Come again ?
I'm no Barry White (because I'm alive) but I do have a pretty deep voice . Also my name is not one I've ever heard of being applied to a lady . There's a lot of crossover these days , but still .
You just never know what's going to come out of someone's mouth do you ?
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You found me beautiful once
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Posted:Mar 5, 2013 6:03 pm
Last Updated:Mar 16, 2013 8:02 pm
85176 Views
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As I was coughing myself inside out today I was reminded of a time some years ago when I was having intercourse with a lady and she started coughing violently . Being the class act that I am I stopped the coitaling and waited until her a forced exhalation against a closed glottis was complete .
"Are you okay ?" I inquired boobily .
"Why did you stop ?" She countered incredulously .
Why indeed ? I think what we need instead of sex ed (which is worthless at best and frightening at worst) what we need is sex etiquette . What do you do if you partner starts coughing ? is it ever okay to look at your watch during sex ? If you lick someone's asshole one time and they like it does that give you carte blanche in the whole asshole area ? These are the questions we need answered . I mean honestly sex ed teachers , what good do you think showing a picture of untreated gonorrhea does anyone ?
I find it interesting that most sex etiquette "articles" you find the internet are specifically either for dudes or ladies - isn't it all kind of universal ? I thought this was the 20th century , or at least the 19th . Here's one I found really weird ;
8. Not offering sleepwear. If we’ve learned anything positive from The Situation, it’s that a woman likes to be offered something comfortable to wear while sleeping over. An old — but laundered! — T-shirt is much appreciated.
Really ? Is this a thing ? I'm supposed to keep clothes around for a woman who may or may not appear in my bed some day ? Seems odd to me , but then what the hell do I know ?
In other news as I'm sure you've all heard they're removing wrestling from the Olympics - which is a shame because I like wrestling but I get it , its not the most popular sport . The other day when we were chatting about his one of my co-workers said "At least they don't do it in the nude anymore , that shows progress ."
WRONG . That's the problem . If wrestling was still done in the nude it would totally not only be in the Olympics but be incredible popular . Especially if they brought in women's wrestling . Am I right or am I right ?
And finally , I keep getting e-mails about how 40 horny milfs are waiting for me . That's honestly too many horny milfs . Way to many . Cut back on the milfs and then give me a call .
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How do you catch a dick ? With Annette
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Posted:Mar 4, 2013 10:39 am
Last Updated:Mar 13, 2013 5:13 pm
85392 Views
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I love that joke . That's probably why Annette doesn't hang out with me anymore .
Remember when Evangeline Lilly was a thing ? I do .
This is supposed to be sexy right ? It kind of freaks me out though . I'm not entirely sure why .
In other news I think my gal pal is mad at me . Probably because the last time we chatted I was gently and humorously chiding her about sleeping with a married dude . Which you know if you really don't care if someone is married or not when you're deciding if you want to hump someone I would think you also wouldn't care what someone else thought about it . But then again the human brain is mystery . For some strange reason people don't like being judged .
Speaking of which I had my 2012 performance review on Friday , If there's one thing I hate (and there's not there's lots) its undeserved praise (I also hate deserved praise) . The gods honest truth is that I am okay at my job . Anyone with 3/4ths of a brain could do my job (like most jobs) . I only seem great because everyone else sucks . I'd like some day to be held to a higher standard but its not going to happen .
In other other news I have bronchitis or some nonsense like that . If you believe my sperm-thieving doctor . As I sit here wheezing and whoozing I realize that respiratory ailments are the Hollywood go-to ailment for bad guys .
Partially this is probably because it's an affliction we can hear . Partially it's probably because it usually requires a breathing apparatus that obscures their faces and dehumanizes them . But the main reason is probably that there's symbolism in breath . If you've got air in your lungs , you're alive (spoiler alert) . You have animus - a soul . And when a character has audible lung problems , he's inevitably a villain , because his lungs (where his soul lives)are a corrupt environment . It's a great image , which is why Hollywood saves it for the big names like Darth Vader , Cobra Commander , General Grievous , Bane , and Le Chiffre .
Even the platinum inhaler that sustains little Frenchie DuCowardice has a purpose . See , breathing problems also plague another class of film character : frail little . Want to show an overprotective parent ? Justify their woes by giving the asthma . And then show that all the needed was the courage to face the world and he'll grow out of it . Or maybe grow superpowers and murder a man , same thing .
Now consider a guy like Le Chiffre , who's designed by a team of screenwriting engineers to be the most punchable twerp in Western civilization - he's just begging Bond to take his lunch money as he does complex math in his head , weeps blood onto his pouty little lip , and refuses to fill his lungs with a noble gulp of air like any real man would do . Obviously , the problem is that he's a wimp who refuses to will his terrifying disease out of existence .
Final note : The world's asthmatics want you to know that nobody ever uses an inhaler correctly in films . That said , you ever watch somebody hold their breath for 10 seconds ? That's a lot of time in a movie . In that amount of time , Michael Bay can stage 17 different set pieces featuring no fewer than three offensive stereotypes . Two of them explode .
Speaking of General Grievous (did you know there's also a General Loathsome ? Way to think outside the box guy who comes up with names for Star Wars bad guys) originally Grievous was all coughy and messed up because Mace Windu messed him up when he kidnapped the Chancellor . Now they've reconned on that so he's just like that for no reason . Lame .
Anyone recognize this quote ?
"You can’t have anything valuable to say until you’ve suffered , at least a little bit , the outrages of the world ."
I can't remember where I heard it .
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Remember when this blog was called the Spines ?
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Posted:Feb 28, 2013 4:40 pm
Last Updated:May 27, 2024 10:52 pm
83692 Views
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I do . And when it was called the Showroom of Compassion . And when it was briefly called 2 Minutes for Roughing as a non-violent protest against one of my fellow blogholes . I like Showroom of Compassion the best but Drums in the Deep seems more fitting somehow . I think it may have also been called the Motorcade of Generosity briefly .
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31 days and its on ! The other day one of my chums said if he was in Westeros he'd want to be a Maester because they never get killed . "What about Maester Luwin ?" I said . Then we both cried . God damn you Theon , why are you so stupid ? Although Rob turned out to be pretty stupid too . Rob makes me so angry .
I try not to ever give people advice because ;
1. I have no idea what I'm doing
2. I really don't want anyone else to succeed deep down inside , I'm not proud of it , but its true
But one piece of advice that I do give is that if you ever see sad stop feeling sad and feel awesome instead . Sometimes they ask me how to do that , which is their own damn problem of course . But I will share one thing that works for me . Sometimes when I feel a little blue I go use my web browsers to look at something called the internet . On this internet there is something called 'fan fiction' . It always cheers me up because it is either completely insane or horribly awful or both . This makes me happy . Because I am a bad person .
My favorite is called "Who Killed Santa ?" his story unites the female characters from Law & Order , Law & Order: SVU , Law & Order: Trial by Jury (remember that one ?) CSI , CSI: New York (screw you Miami) Charlie's Angels , The Division, Cagney & Lacey , Murder She Wrote , Nancy Drew , Cold Case , DEBS , Crossing Jordan , The X-Files , and Scooby-Doo . That's 15 shows people .
In the story , our many , many heroines visit the National Women in Law Enforcement Conference to get their crime education , and also their dildos , on . Things take a turn for the weird when they come across Santa's corpse (as they usually do when that happens)
Santa was slumped down in his chair, arms hanging limply at his sides, white gloves dragging the floor. His eyes were closed, his head lolled to one side. He looked as if he was sleeping or passed out -- except for the trail of white foam coming from his mouth.
This is just a mall Santa , but still , a crime is a crime . Everyone investigates while swapping painfully awkward banter. Here's a character from Law & Order: SVU hitting on one of Charlie's Angels ;
She flashed a mischievous smile. "I believe elves only come out at Christmas, detective. But, fairies are known to be out all year long." She batted her eyes, exaggerated her southern drawl even more. "Why, I'd dare say I would know a fairy when I see one."
Detective Benson's eyebrow arched. With a slight smile, she tilted her head at Kelly. "I take it you like fairies, Ms. Garrett?"
Oh Mariska Hargitay , you had had me at fairies .
Soon they realize that Santa Claus isn't a Mr. Claus at all . He's a Mrs. Claus . When they stripped the red suit off (because why wouldn't they ?) they discovered Santa had a 12-inch purple strap-on hidden beneath the pillows that made his belly shake like a bowl full of jelly . The detectives determine that Santa wasn't murdered - she choked to death on a nut . Everyone celebrates , and two Law & Order ladies start cross-examining each other's privates . Because how else should you react when you discover a transvestite dildo-sporting Santa tragically asphyxiated in your hotel ?
There's probably also fanfic somewhere that isn't porn but I've never found it .
The other day I saw a fellow shoveling his sidewalk . He was under a large conifer which had a lot of snow on its evergreen branches . After a while he stopped and looked up at the branches directly above his head for a good 20 seconds . Then he poked the branches with his shovel , which of course sent a cascade of snow trumbling down upon him (mostly the face) . He threw this shovel down , kicked angrily , and stomped inside .
Seeing things like this fascinate me because it makes absolutely no sense . He had to know what was going to happen if he disturbed those branches so why did he do it ? And why did he get mad ? Was it all an act for some reason ? If so why for heaven's sake ? It boggles the mind , and I for one need the occasional boggling .
Now for everyone's favorite part - me complaining .
This morning in a meeting someone said "Wayne Gretzky is the best hockey player ever but in his career he accidentally scored against his own team 300 times . You can't achieve greatness if you're afraid of making mistakes ." Typical "inspirational" nonsense . I didn't think much of it at the time , but as I was walking back to my desk I realized that had to be total bullshit . He played 20 seasons in the NHL - that's 15 own goals a season . There aren't that many own goals in the whole NHL in a season , not even close . So of course I looked it up , you know how many own goals Wayne Gretzky "scored" in his career ?
Zero
Because he the greatest hockey player ever and not an idiot . And the worst part to me is that Wayne Gretzky is a great source of inspirational nonsense if you're into that malarkey . Here's some stuff he said ;
I think that from the time you start playing sports as a you see that your responsibility to your team is to play the best that you can play as an individual and yet, not take anything away from being part of a team.
Procrastination is one of the most common and deadliest of diseases and its toll on success and happiness is heavy.
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
The highest compliment that you can pay me is to say that I work hard every day, that I never it.
I couldn't beat people with my strength; I don't have a hard shot; I couldn't beat people with my speed ; I'm not the quickest skater in the league. My eyes and my mind have to do the work.
Stupid meetings .
My newest pet peeve at work is the management types allowing people to volunteer for critically important tasks that they KNOW they can't accomplish . Lets imagine President Obama wanted volunteers to build him a rocketship to go to Mars . If he wants to get to Mars he shouldn't let me volunteer to build it . Because I can't . Ever . Not ever .
Stupid Mars
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Look out Hamlet its a vampire !
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Posted:Feb 26, 2013 6:42 pm
Last Updated:Feb 28, 2013 4:03 pm
84165 Views
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I'll admit , I liked Pride and Prejudice and Zombies a lot (it reminded me Pride and Prejudice was pretty good itself) and Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters was good too . Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter was a disappointment but worth reading . But the so called Quirk Classics (if they can so be called) must be stopped . Like all good ideas its being driven into the ground . Especially with the damn vampires . I blame Twilight for this . I don't need to re-read every literary classic with the main character as a vampire . Now make Sydney Carton a yeti I might be interested . I guess I'm kind of going through one of those phases where I'm kind of sick of reading . The last three books I've read have all kind of been duds . I need a new hobby .
In other news it is not possible to observe a system without changing the system , so the observer must be considered part of the system being observed . So I'm part of everything . Wrap your mind around that . I can't .
In other other news I always thought Fenrir was going to eat the sun and bring about the eternal winter , but I was wrong - its actually going to be his sons Sköll and Hati Hróðvitnisson . This will necessitate an entire change in my worldview . And I knew that Fenrir was going to kill Odin , but I didn't know that Odin's Víðarr was going to kill him . I didn't even know Odin had a . I don't know what to believe anymore .
This is one of my shorter posts ever . You're welcome .
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If aliens aren't going to have boobs , do we even want to meet them ?
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Posted:Feb 24, 2013 9:08 am
Last Updated:Mar 4, 2013 12:52 pm
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This is an adult film actress I like - because I'm one of those sickos who likes floppy real boobs over the concrete ones that don't move no matter how wild the action gets . The internet says those as "I" boobs . First of all I didn't know boobs went past E . Also they don't look that big . Thoughts ?
First things first though (our second I guess) my ears feel all wonked up like they do when you fly (or ride in a submarine) what could be causing that ?
I ran into an ex (or X) of mine at the grocery story this morning . Maybe . She has a twin sister so I'm not 100% sure . Dating someone with a twin was kind of a nightmare , you never knew if they pulled the old switcheroo on you . Speaking of which , one time on the TV Dustin Hoffman told the story of the time he lost his virginity . Basically his brother got a woman all ready to go in dark room and then secretly tagged him in . Is this Senior Sizzle ? Did Dustin Hoffman Senior Sizzle someone ?
Also , I don't mind that Senior Sizzle censors their blogs - good for them I say . But what I don't get is that plenty of people post all about their Senior Sizzle fantasies in vivid detail all the time and they gets through but I make one joke about Valentine's day prison Senior Sizzle and I get censored ? Doesn't seem fair is all I'm saying . Of course I'm a dude on a sex site so I should feel lucky they even allow me to blog at all .
Anyway , I realized the other day that I have a lot "bits" that I do at work . I think I have an easier time interacting with those circus animals I work with if I takes on a ritualistic demeanor rather perceiving it as actual interaction . Here's the top three .
I'll get onto the elevator and some kindly person (usually a lady) will say "what floor ?" and I'll say "Oh , I don't work here ." To sidetrack things for a second I'm glad I'm so fat and revolting now that I have to take the elevator , because that's where I see the most interesting human behaviors . I think on an elevator (like when the Joker is about to kill you) you reveal your truth self . You show people who you really are on an elevator .
Anyway , bit #2 . When I stand at a meeting instead of sitting someone (usually a lady) invariably asks "Why don't you sit down ?" and I say "Oh , I broke my coccyx ." Then if they say "what ?" I repeat it again , saying COCC really loud . Speaking of embarrassing people there's a lady at work who is always trying to host one of those dildo parties (True Romance ?) and she often has a catalog to show people . A lady was complaining about this to me and I gave her a surefire way to fight back - making catalog lady feel uncomfortable by saying something like "Now which one of these things can I shove WAY up my asshole without hurting myself ?"
Bit #3 . When it snows and I come into the office someone (usually a lady) often says "Wow , you made it in ?" and I say "Oh , I grew up in Oslo so this was nothing ." Often the follow up with "really ?" and I say "no" . Classic .
In other other news I don't really like Subway but its close to work so I go there sometimes . Friday afternoon while I was shoveling a gross sub in my fat face a lady came in and order 4 of the same kind of sandwich so they started making them all at the same time . She had very specific instructions about what was supposed to go on each one . As they got towards the end she said "I'm sorry , that's not the right thing , I meant sandwich Y not sandwich X ." So they threw those all away and started over . They didn't get as far this time , but still most of the way , when she said "Oh god , I am so sorry , I had it right the first time ." So they throw those away and start again . They got it right the third time , but I have to wonder .
How many times would they have done that ?
Was that lady a total bitch or is that okay ?
Why did they keep making all four sandwiches at once ?
Its probably not even that big of a deal . I've never worked at a sandwich place but I think they throw away a ton of food every day anyway . Suck it poor people .
I started reading another (allegedly) true crime novel about a hitman in New York in the 80's . One time he killed a lady's husband in return for sex . Specifically they had sex 16 times in return for killing a man . Normally he charged 50 grand (he claims) . That kind of weirds me out . Sex is all well and good , but killing someone just for sex ? Lame . Super lame . Plus even if this lady is the best sexxor every that seems pretty pricey . I think everything is overpriced though .
There was one more thing I wanted to blog about but I can't remember what my note is supposed to mean . It says "Knees TOG" . For those people track at home I never remembered what I meant by "Lesbian Fist" either . The tog is a measure of thermal resistance of a unit area , also known as thermal insulance , but I don't think that's what I was thinking about . Oh well .
Did you know that if you search for "Lesbian Butthole Dance Party Extreme" you'll get three exact matches ?
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I'm a fat man in a polo shirt with a full pubis , what more do you want ?
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Posted:Feb 20, 2013 5:20 pm
Last Updated:Feb 22, 2013 3:18 pm
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Sure I shave it , but its still "there" . The other day at work I was accused of being in a state of arrested development (not the show which was awesome) as in being a boy who never grew up . Like most insults its probably somewhat true (he said sipping out of a Clone Wars water bottle) but like most everything its meaningless . What does it mean to grow up ? I have a job . I own a home . I go to meetings . I wear a necktie .
Seems pretty grown up to me . But what does it really mean ? Nothing . Not a damn thing . Am I a thirteen year old boy trapped in a fat man's body ? Literally sure , but figuratively ? No . Because it figuratively means not real right ?
I guess what I'm trying to say is everyone is stupid but me .
Speaking of work the other day (again) my elbow was making a weird clicking noise so obviously I kept moving it back and forth to make the noise so I could use my vast medical experience to diagnose the problem . A lady walking by glanced at me and got a completely scandalized look on her face and hurried past . I realize now it probably looked like I was making an obscene gesture . If this was a sitcom I would have spent 17 minutes trying to convince her I wasn't making that gesture . She wouldn't believe me but then on the advice of the wacky neighbor I'd try one last time to convince her ; and I'd walk in on her masturbating . This show would probably be on FOX what with the masturbation and all .
When I was a there was a wonky version of Roller Derby with ramps and hugh walls and whatnot called RollerGames that I loved . Like most things I loved as a it was dumb as hell . However , if they want Roller Derby to me popular again (and it seems like they do) there is one thing they need to steal from RollerGames . Alligators .
You see as a tiebreaker , two skaters in shark-suit chainmail (or probably a cardboard prop make to look like it) would skate around a pit full of alligators (of course) . The first skater to skate around the pit five times or to throw his or her opponent into the alligator pit was declared the winner (in life) . Needless to say as a youth I was praying to every match to be a tie . There's really nothing more satisfying than seeing an out of work porn star on roller skates being bumped into a tank full of alligators . Really .
Needless to say this still appeals to me as an adult . Ball's in your court Roller Derby .
I was going to make this blog short because I've posted some long ones recently , but screw that .
I have bad news . Iowa , former known as the great state of Iowa , will now be known as the crummy state of Iowa . Why ? I'm glad you asked . Iowa's greatness has been eclipsed by the horrible act of one deviant slimesham who happens to hail from this formerly great state . You know how they have those dolphin encounters ? And how 11% of the time those encounters turn into a dolphin sexually assaulting someone ? There was a woman , from the formerly great state of Iowa , who was at one of these deals and it turns out she was totally into it . Point is she gave a dolphin a blowjob (if witnesses are to be believed) . Iowa is now officially the worst state ever .
Now back to work hijinks . There's a fellow in our office that seems to have no purpose in life than upsetting the ladyfolk , particularly one said folk who sits by me . Recently he was regaling her with his "hilarious" repertoire of abortion jokes and when she didn't have the courtesy to get upset he resorted to the more subtle "Nice tits fatty" (for a second I thought he was talking about me) .
I was thinking about this dude the other day , and even if I waited outside his house after work and bashed him in the head with a shovel and then kicked him in the jaw 77 times it wouldn't matter . Because once he got out of the hospital he wouldn't stop being a douchenozzle , he wouldn't even realize that's what happened . He would not think "Wow , I was being an asshole and I got me ass kicked for it" , he would think "I was just minding my own business and some psycho attack me for NO reason , I wonder if there's a good abortion joke in there somewhere ." Why does my brain always think violence is the way to make people better when it KNOWS that's never the case ? Stupid brain .
I had some other stuff to say , but eh , that's enough rambling . Get ready though , next time I'll be talking about a GI Joe Toy I had , people freaking out about snow in a place where it snows all the time , and how I heart Canada .
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Unspoken Sodomy vs. Fruit Emperor
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Posted:Feb 15, 2013 5:18 pm
Last Updated:Feb 18, 2013 5:22 pm
85376 Views
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I used a random blog title generator today
Last blog I tried to post a picture of a glasswing butterfly . As usual because it wasn't an obscene close up of big dick penetrations it didn't show up . I try again because the glasswing butterfly is awesome god damn it .
The book I'm reading right now (allegedly) is an autobiography about a dude who was a career criminal in Miami in the 70s and 80s (now in prison) . He was mostly a burglar , but he was also wanted for pretty much every crime out there aside from drug charges - murder , sexual assault , assault assault , etc. At some point he decided a good way to avoid the police would be to get a sex change - probably because he was also crunked in the head . Once he had a sex change he started banging dudes and he mentioned that a lot of them complained about how "shallow" his vagina was . Which makes me wonder if that's the way it goes with vaginoplasty . I mean there's stuff in there right ? How much room can they really make ?
I don't think the book talks about his prison life at all , but it makes me wonder is he in a men or women's prison ? I can't imagine they putting anyone with a vagina in a men's prison , but he's basically just a huge strong dude with big fake boobs who also happens to be violent and loco in la cara so a women's prison seems like a bad idea too .
Furthermore , I wonder why he started having sex with men - in the book he makes it sound like the ONLY reason he had the operation was to avoid the police . I guess the early eighties weren't very gay friendly maybe . Also I need to keep in mind this dude is crazy so maybe I shouldn't think too hard about his motivation .
In other news did you know that bats are basically the mammalian version of a butterfly ? When a mouse reaches a certain age , it spins itself a cocoon , and several days later , a bat emerges . Also you know what's a cool word ? Chrysalis .
The other day I read an article about the top 10 sex myths . I'm too lazy for originality today so lets talk about that .
"You can avoid pregnancy by jumping up and down after sex."
FALSE: Once sperm gets inside you, it spreads and lubricates the entire area. “You can’t bounce it out of you. In fact, if your partner sees you bouncing around like that, it might just excite him more".
This is utterly ridiculous . If anyone over the age of 12 believes this I think you might have developmental problems . jumping up and down before and after sex is a good idea though , just for the sake of a little exercise .
Men think about sex every seven seconds."
FALSE: “Men do think about sex a lot, but so do women." "Most won’t admit it because it doesn’t seem ladylike." But as for the frequency of male thoughts about sex? “That wouldn’t give you time to think about anything else. Whoever that man is, he needs to get a job and make some money.”
I first heard this in grade school I think . I knew it to be total BS then . No sane person thinks about ANYTHING every seven seconds . On a related note it drives me bonkers when the "news" reports that the average attention span is now 3 seconds . What the crunk does that even mean ? Every single person every single days pays attention to things for more than 3 seconds 100% of the time . I think the people in these "studies" must all be on mushrooms .
A cold shower can douse libido."
TRUE: “If you are on trajectory to being aroused, you are getting warm, and your heart is pumping more” . “When you take a cold shower you slow the process down. If you don’t want to be aroused, it's the right thing to do!”
I found this surprising .
"You can’t get pregnant during that time of the month."
FALSE: If your menstrual cycle is normal, it’s highly unlikely you’ll get pregnant during your period. But sometimes your period is not your period — it’s intermenstrual spotting, and you may well be ovulating at the same time, says Dr. Kolb.
I'm always surprised by how many people believe this . If you ever have sex you either are or got someone pregnant . If you're a woman you're probably pregnant right now . Nothing can stop it . Not even anal .
"If you have sexual thoughts about someone of the same gender, you’re bisexual."
FALSE: "[Being] aroused by thinking about somebody of your own sex does not necessarily mean that’s your sexual orientation”. “That’s fantasy. That’s arousal. That’s what’s on TV. And those things can be separate from sexual orientation."
Seems reasonable . I didn't really know this was something people said - outside of a Seinfeld episode anyway . I'd totally bang Brad Pitt in "Troy" and I'm straight as something that's renowned for being straight . Me I guess . At that level its art you philistines .
"If your husband watches porn that means he’s not satisfied with you."
FALSE: “Your husband is trying to get aroused but maybe he wants to transfer that arousal to you”. “Maybe it signals you need to work harder at arousing your partner. In any case, this begs a conversation with your partner!”
I think I have to disagree with this one - it can mean that based on some of the married guys I know . Some of the married dudes I know would much rather masturbate than have sex with their wives . Sad but true .
"Once you have a baby, your sex life is over."
TRUE AND FALSE: “There’s no question that having a vaginal birth will change you down there”. “But sex is much more than physical stimulation. It's also about intimacy.” Wyatt suggests this solution: “The vagina is a muscle, so you've got to work it out. Do your Kegels, ladies! Thirty at every stoplight!"
I got nothing . Although I didn't think people said that because of stretched out pussies , I thought it was because you never had time for sex on account of you had a dumb baby that needs attention all the time .
"Masturbating too much can make you go blind."
FALSE: “And it doesn’t cause hair to grow on your palms either!” “The only way masturbating can cause vision problems if you are also staring at the computer watching porn all the time.”
Again this is just silliness . It was all started by the Quaker Oates dude , I think I blogged about that before . Next .
"Celibacy can make you crazy!"
(Kind of) TRUE: “Many people who are celibate in their twenties and thirties have turned off their sexual cues so they don’t know what stimulates them,” says Wyatt. “They may be so inhibited and shut down that they become depressed. Sex is a natural drive — like a need for water or air. Everyone needs to express themselves sexually.”
I didn't know people said this either . Also no . I'm pretty confident there are plenty of people - billions throughout time- that did not need to express themselves sexually whatever . I have a hard time with any statement that involves "everyone" must do , besides the obvious of course .
"You can’t catch an STD from oral sex."
FALSE: “Oral sex doesn’t protect you from the transmission of diseases,” says Kolb, who adds that he once had a lesbian who caught gonorrhea from her female partner, who in turn had caught it when she engaged in oral sex with a man (yes, cheating!).
I wrote about this a little while ago . Its another one that stuns me when adults believe it (and a lot seem to) . I don't practice what I preach though . I have oral sex all the time (literally) without a second thought . Stupid life having consequences .
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Are you happier today than you were three years ago ?
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Posted:Feb 10, 2013 2:14 pm
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2013 4:05 pm
85142 Views
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The key is knowing which kind of vampire cult you're joining .
Also it's a trick question because science has proven happiness is made up . Which is kind of a bummer but also kind of a relief . I'll be much happier now that I'm not trying to be happy all the time .
I ask this question because on Friday I was cleaning out my old e-mails at work and I found one from a friend of mine that I thought was amusing . I responded to it and a little while later he e-mailed me back ;
"This e-mail is from three years ago , what's wrong with you ?"
It got me thinking about what my life was like three years ago (because I already know what's wrong with me) . I was happier with my job three years ago but I was making less money . I was in a relationship with a lady I liked a lot and who liked me but she couldn't have sex - which really didn't bother me that much . It was the best (and probably last) relationship I've ever been in but I was still uncomfortable a lot of the time . I was living with my parents while I saved up money for the house I live in now . It wasn't bad but it was kind of silly for lack of a better word . I got to see my friends a lot more three years ago then I do now .
Overall I'd say I'm happier now , but life , as always is a mixed bag .
Sometimes I hear people say they're "hornier than Ron Jeremy" which I think is a Sublime lyric . I'm not sure what that means . Ron Jeremy probably isn't that horny at this point - not just because he's a coma , but you know I have to imagine after the 100,000 time or so even sex kind of gets old . Which is probably why people get into freakier and freakier stuff as they get older .
I think if you get a motivational speaker to punch you you've won some kind of grand moral victory . I came close this week - not that I was trying to be a jerk , I was just being honest - always a mistake at work . One of the new supervisors in our area has a degree in employee management or some crunk like that - she's way into "motivation" and team building and all that other garbage that's a huge waste of time . She had some dude come talk to us on Wednesday .
One of the first things he said was "Now , no one in this room thinks they're stupid . . . "
I raised my hand and said "I do ."
He glanced at me and continued "And no one in this room thinks they're ugly . . ."
I raised my hand and said "I do ."
He looked at me for a second "And now one here thinks they're unpleasant to be around . . ."
I raised my hand and said "I do ."
Anyway , I was asked to leave after a few minutes . Which is not what I was trying to do , but I did get to go back to work instead of wasting an hour and getting behind like everyone else so it was kind of nice . Also if I believed in motivational nonsense at all I would have been offended , because I have to assume ugly stupid unpleasant people need motivation most of all . He probably thought I was trying to be difficult .
When a company gets to a certain size , its employee base becomes ungainly , like abnormally corpulent testicles on a little man with chubby thighs , and he's trying to run to catch that elevator , but dammit , it's not going to happen . So many low-level plebes work for them it's like a goatherd with too many damn goats in the field and they're all out there eating scrub brush and pebbles and shit and the goatherd doesn't like it . You hoary goats . So the goatherd has to think of a way to keep those goats in line . The answer is cheerleading . This no longer makes sense with the goat metaphor , which was really rickety to begin with .
Work for any major corporation on the ground floor in an environment with a fairly large number of other employees , be it a Staples or a McDonald's or whatever , and odds are you're going to be subjected to some manner of meetings in which your manager gathers the crew together to let you know how awesome you're all doing . Except for this , this and this . But otherwise awesome ! So awesome that maybe you can do better than yesterday today ! Awesome ! Go you ! I am going to throat-fist your soul every day you work here until you quit , get fired or have to be institutionalized !
HR people can't be so stupid as to believe that employees are motivated by hearing how much money the store is making , or how much more the store needs to make because of their lazy hides not working hard enough . There's no way to spin a "our success is your success" speech into something that doesn't sound like utter bullshit unless employees are getting a cut , and even when they are , it just means that they're generally forced into a position where they look at co-workers as competition rather than people in the same boat , so you're just as unhappy at work . If you are happy at work and don't feel this way at all , consider yourself lucky , and maybe also consider that everyone you work with may hate you .
Oh and here's the obligatory picture (or pic as the say)
If you think any of your beloved childhood cartoons haven't been pornificated you're wrong .
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To link to this blog (40Deuce) use [blog 40Deuce] in your messages.
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