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| Blogs > 80sbaby71 > Life in the Nursery~ |
Emotional....
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Emotional....   Today was an afternoon filled with emotion. And tears...and hurt. I brought up my relationship status with mini me. I asked her how she felt about me dating my courter. We have been "dating" for almost two months now. Yes she has now met him. And we have had dinner a couple times together. She likes him. This afternoon though...she spoke. She is scared of being replaced. She also is afraid I will change. This has been something from past relationships (men), wanting me to change for them. And as she put it "You've been acting different since you started seeing  "This broke my heart. I explained to her that she has been and always will be my number one. And I also reminded her that there was no way I would change for a man... likes me just the way I am by the way! And as for acting differently... well I personally thought happy was a good look!So, I took this to heart. I made the decision to stop. Let go. And let my heart be broken for the last time. I am the bad guy. To mini, to my friends...and I unfortunately broke the heart of a very special man. I took a drive to a local lake. I sat in my car and cried. I walked in the rain...and cried. I drove home...and cried. I recieved multiple texts from and cried..... I emailed and let him know what was going on. And how much he had actually come to mean to me. Then I settled in to watch a movie...and cry. My movie ended. I picked up my phone and noticed that I had several emails....And this is what I found.... "So you were raised by your Grandmother because your Mother died when you were very young. You know all about not having a Mom because that's what you lived. Although my relationship with my Mother is very complex and often troubled, I can't begin to know what its like to not have a Mother. It must have been incredibly painful for you growing up without your Mother. You must have yearned to just know your Mother and have your Mother in your life. Now that you are a Mother, you are determined to be there for your no matter what. You would sacrifice anything for her. That's normal for Mothers but it's a much stronger feeling in you because of your background. So "mini me" feels uncomfortable about our relationship. She feels threatened. She feels that you are changing for me. Does she feel that she is not receiving enough attention since we've been seeing each other? Do I understand this correctly? Is this how things are? I hope you will correct me if I'm wrong. So the killer for our relationship is that you feel so strongly about protecting "mini me" that you will sacrifice anything for her. It seems like you are sacrificing our relationship simply so she won't feel uncomfortable. I am not a threat to your relationship with "mini me". I have always tried to be very respectful of your time with "mini me". That's why I used to email you and didn't call a lot. I didn't want to even begin to encroach on your time with "mini me" and your relationship with "mini me". I know she is your first priority and that is the way I want it to be. But to throw our relationship away completely at this time seems like a major overreaction to me. Can't there be some kind of negotiation and adjustment? Does it have to be so final and fatal? It seems like all or nothing. We're just getting started "Baby". Isn't there a way that we can learn and work this out so everyone is happy? Please don't overreact because of your background. Keep in mind that "mini me" is growing up. Your relationship with her is going to change very shortly. She's going to be becoming more independent soon. She'll be going to college before long. She'll have her own family before you know it. Is it really necessary to throw away something wonderful at this point? It seems like you are breaking both of our hearts so "mini me" won't feel uncomfortable. I think that's a terrible waste. It seems very unnecessary to me. Correct me if I'm wrong. I have to fight for you "Baby". I want you in my life. My relationship with you is too good to just let go just to spare "mini me" some temporary discomfort. We can work things out. There isn't any good reason at this point for you to be heartbroken. Write about this in your blog and see what the people say. Feel free to include this message. I think they will agree with me. I want you in my life "Baby"! I have loved every second I've gotten to spend with you and I haven't been able to enjoy you nearly enough. Please don't throw me away." So now...I ask for you...My friends, followers...strangers...my family...to tell me what to do. I can honestly say that this man has actually stolen my heart. I haven't felt this kind of happiness in a very long time. And I am actually kind of tired of having lived the last 40 years in the shadows, the sunshine actually feels good!  |
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Obviously we are not there and not met everyone involved, but you have made this guy out to be the white knight. I don't think I need to tell you that doesn't come along everyday. I am all for protecting your daughter, and if he is a REAL threat, then I support your decision to remove him from your life. But if he is only a perceived threat by your daughter, then I think you need to re-evaluate and give this guy a shot. It isn't an easy road either way. But if she loves you, and he loves you, then they should both at least understand your plight and allow you an opportunity to include both of them in your life, perhaps at a slower pace until a comfort zone is better established. Good luck! Embrace the suck
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6/7/2012 3:27 am |
Having grown up without an emotional attachment to my Mother... I can certainly understand you wanting to protect your daughter. I would to! BUT He makes some valid points. As children grow older, they do become independent and foregoing your happiness for her comfort is expected but I don't see why a compromise can't be made here. See less of him, email more often, make extra time for you & your child but DON"T throw away someone who makes your heart race. In the end, you not only will lose her to growing up, him because you pushed him away but you'll also lose yourself because it will always be a what if.... Share my journey...I write when my soul cries.
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 I rarely comment on blogs other than people in my friends network but this has really affected me.I was married to an abusive man for 29 years. During that marriage I met and fell in love with a wonderful man. I didn't leave my husband because of my children who were young at the time. I thought they didn't know. Many many years later at this wonderful man's funeral last year...my youngest daughter whispered in my ear. "Mam...you should have left my Dad and been with him...you would have been happy" Could you take this new relationship very slowly, and see what happens with mini me? Could you include her in some joint activities? Let her get to know him...slowly and maybe there could be happiness all round? Sorry for being so long winded...  ~~Anais Nin~~
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I don't know that anyone is going to agree that you need to give up or throw this away. "Mini" is apprehensive which can be expected because she doesn't know what will happen or how things will work out. She can only see the mother/daughter dynamic from the child's perspective and doesn't understand that is exclusive and separate from any relationship you will have. I'm just throwing this out, could it be that Mini is relating her feelings to how circumstances have changed with her dad? By that I mean if he has a girlfriend and if that has altered how things are between them. It's a stretch, but maybe she is projecting that to what 'could' happen between you and her? I think all of us know that is ridiculous, but she is still a child and just doesn't have the life lessons to know differently. One other thing, which I am sure that you've considered, is that if you stay this course you have to accept not being in a continued relationship until Mini is on her own. It's neither right or wrong, but it is what you are doing. Sounds like this is unfamiliar territory for everyone involved. Take the opportunity to teach Mini what to do when faced with that. Be cautious, but go forward, don't run away. There's no guarantees, but trying is better than giving up.
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6/7/2012 8:36 am |
I agree with him. MM will adjust and grow to appreciate your happiness. It's not easy bringing someone around your kids and naturally kids are protective of parents but eventually you need to think about your happiness as well as your childs. If he's a good guy, she will get used to him and start to like having him around too. Just Another Geek on Senior Sizzle
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I wish I knew you all better. I would feel more at ease giving advice about such a deep personal event. That said, I have to agree with the other people here. From all I can tell, this guy is the real thing. I shouldn't have to tell you how rare it is to connect with someone like him. Heaven knows you have kissed enough frogs along the way. If he makes you happy and is willing to stick with you then make the most of it. Do your best, as you always do, with MM. Buster The Master Second star to the right and then straight ahead until morning...
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6/7/2012 7:45 pm |
Everyone gave excellent advice and I have to agree with them here. Right now it sounds like you have found a great guy that is willing to fight for you and go all the way there in the relationship in every aspect. From what I read, if you let him get away when I get back to the state I'll track ya down and spank ya lol 
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You totally overreacted as he said. Mini Me NEVER wanted you to break up with him. The change she was remarking on, was NOT your happiness. I think you know that if you get really honest with yourself. Look at the other ways you might act around him, that you do not do when away from him. Or ask Mini Me to be more specific. The only way she can feel replaced, is if you ignore her for him. The only way for her to love him, is to spend time with him and let the two of them forge their own relationship. Why break up? It seems the logical thing to do is discuss the issues. A lot. Daily if need be. Honestly and calmly. Nobody learns new habits or people without practice. Spend time all three of you. Let him see your life and your space. Let Mini Me see his life and his space. HELP her feel that SHE is IMPORTANT to BOTH of you. That is the big thing, HELP HER love him. Then all three of you can be happy.
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Obviously we are not there and not met everyone involved, but you have made this guy out to be the white knight. I don't think I need to tell you that doesn't come along everyday. I am all for protecting your daughter, and if he is a REAL threat, then I support your decision to remove him from your life. But if he is only a perceived threat by your daughter, then I think you need to re-evaluate and give this guy a shot. It isn't an easy road either way. But if she loves you, and he loves you, then they should both at least understand your plight and allow you an opportunity to include both of them in your life, perhaps at a slower pace until a comfort zone is better established. Good luck!
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Having grown up without an emotional attachment to my Mother... I can certainly understand you wanting to protect your daughter. I would to! BUT He makes some valid points. As children grow older, they do become independent and foregoing your happiness for her comfort is expected but I don't see why a compromise can't be made here. See less of him, email more often, make extra time for you & your child but DON"T throw away someone who makes your heart race. In the end, you not only will lose her to growing up, him because you pushed him away but you'll also lose yourself because it will always be a what if....
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I rarely comment on blogs other than people in my friends network but this has really affected me.I was married to an abusive man for 29 years. During that marriage I met and fell in love with a wonderful man. I didn't leave my husband because of my children who were young at the time. I thought they didn't know. Many many years later at this wonderful man's funeral last year...my youngest daughter whispered in my ear. "Mam...you should have left my Dad and been with him...you would have been happy" Could you take this new relationship very slowly, and see what happens with mini me? Could you include her in some joint activities? Let her get to know him...slowly and maybe there could be happiness all round? Sorry for being so long winded...
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So maybe I needed the shake!!!! Thank you. He is a real man. He is a sweetheart. And he is exactly what mini me and I need in our lives.
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I know your views. And honestly...I was scared. Nuff said?
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I don't know that anyone is going to agree that you need to give up or throw this away. "Mini" is apprehensive which can be expected because she doesn't know what will happen or how things will work out. She can only see the mother/daughter dynamic from the child's perspective and doesn't understand that is exclusive and separate from any relationship you will have. I'm just throwing this out, could it be that Mini is relating her feelings to how circumstances have changed with her dad? By that I mean if he has a girlfriend and if that has altered how things are between them. It's a stretch, but maybe she is projecting that to what 'could' happen between you and her? I think all of us know that is ridiculous, but she is still a child and just doesn't have the life lessons to know differently. One other thing, which I am sure that you've considered, is that if you stay this course you have to accept not being in a continued relationship until Mini is on her own. It's neither right or wrong, but it is what you are doing. Sounds like this is unfamiliar territory for everyone involved. Take the opportunity to teach Mini what to do when faced with that. Be cautious, but go forward, don't run away. There's no guarantees, but trying is better than giving up. I tend to be very honest and open with my daughter. If a man comes into my life...someone who has possability I tell her. When it starts to get serious (and when she asks) I introduce them. Then I let her tell me her views...so far she hasn't been wrong yet! BTW...like I said before...she likes him
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I agree with him. MM will adjust and grow to appreciate your happiness. It's not easy bringing someone around your kids and naturally kids are protective of parents but eventually you need to think about your happiness as well as your childs. If he's a good guy, she will get used to him and start to like having him around too.
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I wish I knew you all better. I would feel more at ease giving advice about such a deep personal event. That said, I have to agree with the other people here. From all I can tell, this guy is the real thing. I shouldn't have to tell you how rare it is to connect with someone like him. Heaven knows you have kissed enough frogs along the way. If he makes you happy and is willing to stick with you then make the most of it. Do your best, as you always do, with MM.
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Everyone gave excellent advice and I have to agree with them here. Right now it sounds like you have found a great guy that is willing to fight for you and go all the way there in the relationship in every aspect. From what I read, if you let him get away when I get back to the state I'll track ya down and spank ya lol
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You totally overreacted as he said. Mini Me NEVER wanted you to break up with him. The change she was remarking on, was NOT your happiness. I think you know that if you get really honest with yourself. Look at the other ways you might act around him, that you do not do when away from him. Or ask Mini Me to be more specific. The only way she can feel replaced, is if you ignore her for him. The only way for her to love him, is to spend time with him and let the two of them forge their own relationship. Why break up? It seems the logical thing to do is discuss the issues. A lot. Daily if need be. Honestly and calmly. Nobody learns new habits or people without practice. Spend time all three of you. Let him see your life and your space. Let Mini Me see his life and his space. HELP her feel that SHE is IMPORTANT to BOTH of you. That is the big thing, HELP HER love him. Then all three of you can be happy. I did what you recommended. I asked specific questions, SHE got upset with me. Told me that there wasn't anything specific to say. She liked him. She doesn't want me to change. But in someways isn't that what life is doing to us every day? Changing us for the better?
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Thank you AO. But in the end...if mini isn't happy, I won't be.
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