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To answer my poll.
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To answer my poll. I use this place to explore thoughts in my head. I know very well what I do is certainly a form of cheating. My wife does not know I'm on here, she knows I like to blog and been on sites about sex but she doesn't know I'm on this site or my profile. In a strange way it's my diary. I don't poke any of my business in her diary or her phone or anything in her private life she keeps from me and likewise my wife does the same to me. This is a place for me to perv and I'll be honest even fantasizing about making hookups. I have gone as far as sending respectable emails but what turns off 99% of the women is my dorkyness, the boy next door, the good kind man however you want to say the exact opposite of a bad boy image. (I know some may say how can you be good if you are considering cheating?) The other issue for me I need to know you somewhat I like knowing likes and dislikes that leaves out a huge population who just wants to fuck. For me it doesn't work that way, if there was an opportunity for sex with a woman I don't think I would be turned on at all. I wouldn't want to show up for a gang-bang, did so once but was turned off by the greed I saw in the other men's eyes. The eyes said to me I'm getting off fucking this woman and in my pitiful little brain it's all about pleasuring the woman. Although I appear as a prick and some of my comments and statements may say I am, why would I fuck with such a good thing I have you say? If you get to know me I'm really not. I know women who were burned by cheating guys will never accept what I say because they see what I'm doing as cheating. For your sake this is a place I can write out how I feel, face those ideas in print and face what others say about it. This is my excuse I tell myself, I was a late bloomer, not having sex till I was 25, various reasons but the main one was I was teased and bullied from 7 to 16 at school and I closed down and was a loner till early 20's. The perfect type to shoot students, believe me at the time I wanted to kill them, but we were a family that didn't believe in guns and I'm so uncoordinated anyways, lol. Since my mid 20's all the hate in my body and mind is gone, heck almost nothing bothers me anymore, I just don't hold anger, revenge anymore and rarely ever get mad. I feel as if it was all burned out of me as a youth. Back to the excuse, I have been telling myself that since I have been in my early 40's I was feeling that urge to explore the experience most have in their youth but was denied. Now almost 50 that desire has waned but perving hasn't and I like to write about those desires. Yes I could update my profile to say I only blog and perv but that to is a weakness of my personality. An internal struggle that will get answered eventually. For now I will leave my weaknesses out in the open. I did meet the 1% that accepted my dorky demeanor but then so did my wife. We met her and her friend for a weekend on the coast of Oregon. This is my<b> platonic </font></b>friend and still close friend. She actually has helped me understand myself better and I have someone who I can explore any idea with. Yes, I know I am supposed to be able to do that with my wife, some subjects she refuses to discuss and I learned not to broach them. |
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Thanks for your support, I'm always questioning actions and thoughts. I know no harm in thoughts and facing them helps me. I'm a late bloomer physically and emotionally a lot of ideas I need to sort out. Allowing for what you know has kept me from exploring or going down on paths I shouldn't if I want to stay married.
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