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The Problem With Self Sacrifice
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The Problem With Self Sacrifice Recently, I've interacted with several individuals that struggle with guilt associated with putting themselves over competing demands in their lives. In assessing risk factors for burn-out and resentment, I have found that a common denominator shared by the majority of these has been too much self-sacrifice. As a society, we have been taught that placing others needs before our own is the morally responsible thing to do. The problem with self sacrifice is when it is taken to the opposite extreme. No one wants to be labeled as "narcissistic or egotistical." A lot of people are conflicted about self-sacrifice versus taking care of themselves. Many of us have a faulty subconscious rule in our head that says, “You have to put other people’s needs before your own or you are a selfish person.” You may also have a subconscious rule that says, “Unless you are constantly working and productive, you’re lazy.” The problem is, like many other subconscious rules, these rules aren’t accurate and can cause real problems in your life. If you always put other people’s needs before your own, you will soon have nothing left to give. Unless you take some time to relax and take care of yourself, you will soon burn out. Let’s explore some principles of truth regarding self-sacrifice, which might improve our ability to have a more balanced life. 1) If you are too self-sacrificing, no one will appreciate it. Most of the time, when you sacrifice and give too much you are doing it to earn love, validation or approval from other people. The problem is, the more you sacrifice, the more these people expect you to sacrifice. They may even start to feel entitled to it and they may become abusive toward you. This happens because if you don’t value yourself, you are actually teaching the people in your life, not to value you, either. You are literally training them to take you for granted. This also makes them lose respect for you. 2) Out-of-balance "give and take" hurts your relationships. Giving too much will cause the other person to lose respect for you and take you for granted, but it will also make you resent them. When you give too much, you will eventually resent the other person for letting you do it. 3) Self-sacrifice does not always serve the other person. If you continually do everything for other people, you deny them the experience of caring for themselves. This often disrupts lessons the universe is trying to teach them. Instead, you are teaching this person that it’s OK to treat people badly and take advantage of others. They need to learn this is not true. You are in the perfect position to teach this, by refusing to do things for them anymore. 4.) The principle of self-defense trumps self-sacrifice. You most likely believe it is wrong to kill another human being. This is probably a strongly-held belief that you would never consider breaking — unless, of course, someone breaks into your home and threatens to kill your family. Then, you would feel justified killing the person because your life is just as valuable as his, and because his intentions were selfish, which gives you permission to be selfish, too. Think about what this means in the rest of your life. There are times that taking care of yourself must trump the principle of self-sacrifice. 5) We all have the same value. You are as important as everyone else. Remember the golden rule, to do unto others as you would have them do unto you? This rule works both ways. You must also do unto yourself, as you would do unto others. 6) You aren’t capable of real love until your own needs are met. If you are not getting enough of what you need (love, appreciation, validation, happiness, relaxation, etc.) then you are always coming from a needy position with an empty bucket. If you try to give from this place, you are giving with strings attached, because you are hoping that if you give to others, they will give back to you and fill your empty bucket. This doesn’t work, though, because you are giving non-existing water from your empty bucket, hoping to get real water back. This kind of giving leaves you depleted and empty, and the other person unappreciative of the gift, because it was really about you. When you take care of yourself, making sure your needs are met first, you are better equipped to give and people will appreciate your gift because it is given freely with no strings attached. This leads me to wonder, do you feel guilty for placing your needs over others? Do you struggle with finding a balance in your life? How do you cope?  |
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So true....you need to care for self first or you will not care for others! “Life is available only in the present moment.” Thich Nhat Hanh Come and read my blog! Become a watcher! veryfunnycple64 
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Good morning. Thank you for the great post. Have a great day.
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Good points. It is fairly common for me to warn friends dealing with various issues that if they don't take care of themselves first, then ultimately they'll be unable to offer support to some other person. Feeling Helpless But for Her, I Might Still Be There AT LAST A Productive HNW Theme [post 3312759] My Private Blog – Tell me All your Secrets
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My job makes sure you have life outside of work. Personally, I have a pijama day. I turn off all computers and devices and sit in front of the tv. I dont communicate with anyone, including my mom, for at least half a day. I feel better, and can still be "on" when I need to be. "To Be Consumed" Blog : I want to be your drug of painful withdrawals.
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Yes, it's understandable for people to feel guilt after acting selfishly. To cope, we need to recognize our intentions. If we are taking care of our needs, first, so we can be a better friend, partner, parent, etc., there's no need to dwell on it. When you act with integrity, you sometimes need to be selfish for the greater good.
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Agreed, I spent the majority of my adulthood being a pleaser, putting the needs of others above mine. It took a lot of meditation and work to get to the point where I realized I was just as important as everyone else. Live life to it's fullest! If you're bored, Read Hugs Gypsy
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Very interesting blog. I'd always thought that I had a responsibility to provide for my children. I see now that I didn't balance that with my own self which has led to their feelings of entitlement and their losing some respect for me.
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your blogs teach AND stimulate! 
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It's kind of different for me now that I have to care for my Mother. I have siblings close by with their own families. I am single and I'm expected to put her needs before my own.
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Wise words. I think I'll go on vacation.  Vive La Difference
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Agreed (and not greed)! And you could probably have likewise posted "The problem with Political Correctness". Sir Teezalot WAR IS ABSURD
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being made to feel guilty... giving up your physical health... losing one's sense of self worth... is some forms of self-sacrifice self destructive behavior?
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I think you nailed the self sacrifice issue with point number 1. Too many people won't make a self sacrifice. So when I do it I can see right away in many cases even with strangers that it's not recognized or appreciated. So when others don't recognize the self sacrifice we make and we stop doing that.....we all become self centered........ Click Here To Read A Hot Erotic Story: When A Woman Meets A Stranger Part 1 of 4
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Thank you for this useful information, myelin36. As a primary caregiver finding balance is a constant struggle for me. My wife has tremendous physical and emotional needs that constantly drain my self-sacrifice bucket, yet she has very little capacity to give anything back. Of course it is not her fault and there is nothing she can do about it, so talking about it just makes her feel badly. If anyone knows any good resources or strategies I would love to investigate them. My featured post this week: Pulling Fantasy Sex Out of My Ass.
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This was a huge issue for me...and holy smokes, was I resentful. I see my younger self in what you wrote - especially the part about hoping that if I gave and gave, I would get back what I needed. Oh, and the part about filling up the empty parts. And yes, people did go nuts when I stopped doing this (it didn't happen in a single moment - it took years, a little bit at a time). My sister, I think, would still tell you, if you asked, that I am the most selfish person ever who only does what she wants when she wants without regard for anyone else. The irony of this is that she has said this since I was a teenager when that was the farthest thing from the truth. I still get a lot of push back for it...and that's okay. That tells me far more about the other person than it does about me. I always use the analogy of putting the oxygen mask on yourself first before you help someone else - there is a reason why that is. Here's what I know - when I take care of myself, when I put myself first, I have so much more to give and it comes from such a purer place - I'm not looking to fill that empty place, I'm not looking to get something back, and most of all, I'm not resentful. I make a conscious choice and sometimes, at a cost to myself. That's ok too when I do it with forethought. Always tell the truth Use kind words Keep your promises Giggle and laugh Be positive Love one another Always be grateful Forgiveness is mandatory Try new things Say please and thank you Say your prayers Smile ~Author unknown
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