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What is BDSM?
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What is BDSM? "BDSM" is an acronym of B&D or Bondage & Discipline, D/s" Dominance & Submission, and S&M sadomasochism. BDSM refers to any or all of these things, and a lot of stuff besides. Tying up your lover is BDSM; so is flogging that person, or bossing that person around, or any of a thousand other things. BDSM is highly erotic, usually, though not always, involves sex or sexual tension; and is highly psychologically charged. One person, the submissive or sub agrees to submit to another person, the "dominant"; or, alternately, one person agrees to receive some sort of sensation, such as spanking, from another. Some people like to be submissive all the time, some people like to be dominant all the time; some people like to switch, being submissive one day and dominant the next. Many people practice some element of BDSM in their sexual lives without even being aware of it. They may think of S&M as "that sick stuff that people do with whips and cattle prods and stuff," yet still blindfold one another from time to time, or tie one another down and break out the whipped cream. All of these things are BDSM. BDSM is not necessarily hardcore sadomasochism; it can be remarkably subtle and sensual and soft. Pinning your partner to the bed and running silk or ice cubes or rabbit fur over your lover's body qualifies as BDSM specifically, of a variety called "sensation play". There are many people involved in BDSM who enjoy tying others up, or being tied up themselves, but who do not enjoy S&M that is, they aren't interested in inflicting or receiving pain. Sometimes, one partner just ties up the other, as a form of foreplay. Similarly, there are many people who may like the psychological control they get from ordering their lovers to do things, but do not care for being physically restrained or tied, or for tying up their lovers. Some people, myself included, love the aesthetic of an elaborate rope harness, a<b> suspension </font></b>system for pictures witch is my preferred play, or an elaborate form of bondage; others simply aren't interested in the bondage elements at all. The key to all these different forms of BDSM, though, is the exchange of power. One person, the "bottom" or "submissive" is choosing to allow the other person, the "top" or "dominant" to have control over him or her in some way. Maybe allowing the dominant to tie them up, or by allowing the dominant to spank them, even simply by doing whatever the dominant instructs them to. People who are practicing BDSM in any of its forms are doing it voluntarily, for fun. It's a way to explore. Everything that happens in a BDSM relationship is consensual; and believe it or not, it's not just about the dominant getting what he or she wants--it's more about the submissive getting what he or she wants. An abuser has no regard for the feelings, needs, or limits of the victim. A BDSM dominant is concerned above all else with the needs and desires of the submissive. Pretty straightforward, really. The image of BDSM that is portrayed in many materials of this sort has about as much to do with BDSM as the tabloids have to do with factual new. This shit shows nothing more than women being used in various unoriginal ways for men's enjoyment, usually by force. The reality is that there are actually more male submissive than female submissive; and that BDSM is a mutual activity that is driven more by the needs of the submissive than by the needs of the dominant. I happen to be one of the minorities a man who is a Dom. While that may seem like it makes sense on the surface, that the Dom is an abusive control freak. The truth is just the opposite. People who are good at dominating or inflicting pain are, in general, less likely than many other people to be jerks or assholes. Why? Because in order to be good at doing it, you need to be highly in tune with your submissive. People who are self centered generally make poor dominants, because they lack the empathy required to be able to read and judge their partner's reactions, and bring their partner where that person wants to go. Assholes quickly find that nobody wants to play with them; and people who are empathic tend not to be assholes. All of the real top notch dominants I've ever met, without exception, are incredibly cool people. I know its sounds very hypocritical to here that from a man whose wife left him. Believe it or not, the dynamics of a BDSM relationship are often driven by the submissive, not by the dominant. The submissive sets the limits; the submissive decides what places can and can not be explored; the submissive has the ability to call a halt to the scene. The dominant, in many ways, is simply a facilitator. It's the dominant's job to create a setting where the people involved can explore the submissive's fantasies. Dominating your partners does not mean that you don't want to please them. It is not always, or even usually, true that a dominant is interested in his own gratification rather than his submissive's. In fact, many dominants are driven as much by their desire to please their partner as by anything else; the psychology of a healthy BDSM relationship is driven by the submissive as well as by the dominant, and a dominant can take pleasure from gratifying the needs of the submissive just as easily as the submissive can take pleasure from gratifying the needs of the dominant. This kind of thing is not one sided. In a BDSM relationship, the submissive sets the limits. A victim of abuse doesn't get a vote; the victim can't tell the abuser what to do, or how much to do it. A submissive sets all the limits, what kinds of things can be and can't be done, how much, and for how long. And while we're on the subject of limits, there is more than one kind of limit in a BDSM relationship. Everybody has hard limits, things that they absolutely will not do, and will not even consider. Some people, for example, like to be tied up but don't like the idea of being whipped; if they won't allow themselves to be whipped, ever, that's a hard limit. There are also soft limits, things that someone won't do under ordinary circumstances, but will allow to be "forced" on him or her in the context of a particular scenario that's being acted out. Between soft limits and hard limits lies an interesting psychological territory to explore. A submissive gets a way to opt out. This may be a code word, or a sign of some sort; if the submissive uses it, he or she has had enough and the scene is over. An abuse victim doesn't tell the abuser when to stop. |
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