4737 posts 10/2/2012 5:14 am
Last Read:
1/20/2014 4:31 am
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FOMOSEXUAL? There's a good chance you are one!
If you don’t know about FOMO you are so missing out!
FOMO – fear of missing out – has always been with us in the guise of Envy and her green hued sibling, Jealousy. But what makes fomo different is the fact that it describes a consequence of instant communication. The internet led to social networking sites such as Bookface, Birdsong and this one. Combine this with smartphone technology and we have instant connectivity to countless others at any time we want.
We are in a world that Alvin Toffler first described in 1970 in his book “Future Shock,” in which the accelerated rate of social and technological change leaving people suffering from anxiety, stress and disconnection. Toffler didn’t fully anticipate the technological compensation for this disconnectedness, although a number of science fiction writers such as John Brunner did. The paradox is that the rate at which the cyber-connectedness compensation is occurring has within it its own future shock.
So we have entered uncharted territory in terms of human behaviour. The relationship between we human beings and the technology we’ve created is in its infancy. There are no established behaviour patterns and certainly no social contract about how we should act towards each other. For social animals like ourselves this creates a number of problems and even possible dangers. We know how to interact interpersonally in Real Life, and even then some people make a total pig’s ear of it, and this forms the basis of interacting virtually, because we haven’t established how to do it meaningfully as a whole. One of the consequences of this you can see all too well on this site, but you can also see on Bookface – where adults revert to high school behaviour, with bids for status and storms in teacups a-plenty. This is not to say that there aren’t those who are more deft than others, more adaptive, more cyber-socially aware, but we are all on a learning curve.
I wonder if AF-F, or any other social networking site employs any psychologists, and whether they are employed because this is a key feature of the traffic here and people’s psychological and emotional safety on this site is a real responsibility for any organisation trading in this field, or whether, like the programme Big Brother, their primary role is how to manipulate the membership into behaviours that stimulate traffic and profit, largely irrespective of consequence. Certainly the hyperbole-laden emails I get from AF-F suggest that. I wouldn’t want to jump to any conclusions, but it’s an important question to ask.
I suspect there are very few of us leading high octane lives, yet through instant connectivity we now have immediate exposure to hundreds of other people’s lives. Probability alone dictates that at any point in time someone is doing something that is more interesting, more exciting, better than our current simple domestic pleasure ...... in this case reading a blog on-screen.
Our exposure to marketing culture (that reminds me – iPhone4 is sooo yesterday, I simply MUST buy an iPhone5!) means that we have been conditioned to believe that certain behavioural or material rewards will bring happiness. The reverse side of the coin is that failure to gain such rewards brings a sense of deficit.
Percentage in the UK and US who would feel very or somewhat left out on social media in the following situations:
Situation 1: “When I see some of my friends or peers are doing something and I am not.”
Teens (13-17): 60%
Young Adults (18-33): 65%
Generation X (34-46): 39%
Boomers (47-66): 18%
Situation 2: “When I see that my friends are buying something and I am not.”
Teens (13-17): 52%
Young Adults (18-33): 41%
Generation X (34-46): 26%
Boomers (47-66): 10%
Situation 3: “When I see that my peers or friends find out about something before I do.”
Teens (13-17): 58%
Young Adults (18-33): 46%
Generation X (34-46): 30%
Boomers (47-66): 17%
The behavioural deficits have more psychological impact than the material ones. Another study found that 62% of all adults who engaged with social media were fomo, with the figure rising to 74% with adults who were single. This by any measure is a large feeling of deficit within our culture. The other clear trend is a decrease with age. There are two underlying causes here. The first is the natural consequence of juvenile behaviour, always more impulsive, enthusiastic, less reflective. The second is that the younger the person is the more deeply they have been immersed in ever-increasing expectations of over-choice and instant gratification and where older people see the outcomes of historical change, younger people see current normality.
It would be oversimplistic to reduce human social behaviour to that of other social mammals, but it would be equally foolish to ignore evidence that might suggest some of the roots and biological heritage of why we might interact the way we do. In social primates high status is demonstrated by ease of access to rewarding those most fundamental desires – food and sex. This is a sexually explicit adult dating site. You don’t have to look far on AF-F to see the sex status game being played out.
There are few, as I've said, who live high octane lives. I suspect there are very few who live high octane sex lives. There’s a lot of mundane living inbetween. It’s called normality, and if we can’t find happiness there then it’s unlikely that social networking will necessarily compensate. Quite the reverse, in fact. Our fear of missing out means that we don’t want to present ourselves as humdrum, middle of the road, two-a-penny individuals. So we portray ourselves in what we see as being an acceptable light – anything from a slight bias to total fake. Something cool we’ve done, or an appealing photo, or a demonstration of how urbane and witty we can be. It is possible to intermix a small amount of personal misery, and some do, “to keep it real,” but it’s a fine balancing act. Many will choose best foot forward, on profiles and in blogs.
I’m not seeking to criticise particular individuals, because I’d have to count myself among them, but trying to make sense of what fomosexuality is, in terms of human experience, because there are powerful forces at work. Fomo is so driving that it has been known to override personal online privacy, have a degree of addiction exceeding tobacco and alcohol and generate cravings of being in the loop that compromises individual willpower. How many times do you check your emails, your social networking sites, your blog to see how many viewers and comments? Does getting more reduce or increase this checking behaviour?
So we become keen to find out. Like an overfed pet with excessive food available to it we consume information voraciously to see what’s available, and in a culture that communicates in all sorts of ways that it is possible to have it all it becomes harder to be happy with the life choices we have made. So for gratification, where possible, many will disclose. The disclosure part of the Fomo Loop is as interesting as the drive to watch what’s going on. In May this year Harvard psychologists Tamir and Mitchell published a paper showing that disclosing information about oneself is intrinsically rewarding, resulting in similar physiological and chemical changes in the mesolimbic region of the brain as in sexual attraction. Disclosure is a turn-on.
I quite like their concluding statement:
“In an ultimate sense, the tendency to broadcast one’s thoughts and beliefs may confer an adaptive advantage in individuals in a number of ways: by engendering bonds and social alliances between people; by eliciting feedback from others to attain self-knowledge; by taking advantage of performance advantages that result from sharing sensory experience; or by obviating the need to discover firsthand what others already know, thus expanding the amount of know-how an individual can gain in a lifetime. As such, the proximate motivation to disclose our internal thoughts and knowledge to others around us may serve to sustain the behaviours that underlie the extreme sociality of our species.”
So in being seekers and providers, voyeurs and exhibitionists, and all explorers of our own sexuality through the many virtual encounters we have on this site, to a lesser or greater degree we are all fomosexuals, don't you think?
After all, what brought you here in the first place, to a sexually charged adult dating site? Surely you felt at the time you were missing out on something?
Postscript:
Another definition of Fomosexual is "Fake Homosexual." Now, open-minded as I am, if you think I’m going to mince my way into a Greenwich gay bar with a handkerchief swaying from my jeans back pocket, you’re quite mistaken!  |
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13158 posts 10/22/2012 4:32 am |
Quoting wickedeasy:
i came to hang out in the basement with the bdsm-ers. then a few of them started blogging so i did too. a lot of the origianl chatters from there stopped chatting and i drifted away as well and just blogged. i've never dated from here but i've made a few friends and even had a short term roomate who needed a place tolive for a while.
i don't venture into the rest of the site much.
To be honest, dear WE, this is by far the best part of the whole site.
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32404 posts 10/19/2012 12:31 pm |
i came to hang out in the basement with the bdsm-ers. then a few of them started blogging so i did too. a lot of the origianl chatters from there stopped chatting and i drifted away as well and just blogged. i've never dated from here but i've made a few friends and even had a short term roomate who needed a place tolive for a while.
i don't venture into the rest of the site much.
You cannot conceive the many without the one.
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13158 posts 10/11/2012 4:59 pm |
Me too!
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218 posts 10/11/2012 12:03 pm |
i love music
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13158 posts 10/7/2012 4:12 pm |
Quoting smartasswoman:
Very thought provoking. I often feel that I'm too over-connected, but don't seem able to break the addiction of jumping around between blog commenting on this site (and checking comments left on my blog), participating in group posts on Fetlife, answering mail on OKCupid...gah, where's the time for real life?
And yes, as a single person, seeing the Fb posts - for example where my best friend describes the delicious dinner that her husband just cooked for her - definite FOMO moment. Maybe I'd be happier not even knowing about that?
I find it a real addiction too, and isn't there that feeling of obligation that you simply must respond? Real life then needs to be deliberately sought out. It's almost as if it's an option. Which makes me wonder where all of this leads .....
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35813 posts 10/7/2012 3:39 pm |
Very thought provoking. I often feel that I'm too over-connected, but don't seem able to break the addiction of jumping around between blog commenting on this site (and checking comments left on my blog), participating in group posts on Fetlife, answering mail on OKCupid...gah, where's the time for real life?
And yes, as a single person, seeing the Fb posts - for example where my best friend describes the delicious dinner that her husband just cooked for her - definite FOMO moment. Maybe I'd be happier not even knowing about that?
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13158 posts 10/5/2012 7:51 am |
Quoting moonfire2u:
Like sexysixties2, I too have learned a lot since I started blogging...I joined this site because I believed it was open and honest about sex something that wasn't allowed in my real life...but I since learned that there is as much deception here as anywhere...the blogs are what kept me staying...and the friends I have made a long the way...
I think the site only offers the structure within which people behave. I don't think it changes all the weaknesses of human behaviour at all. It might even add a few.
Like you, I find Blogland the most likely place to find people as they are, and all friends over the years have come from here. It's not perfect, but it largely lacks the hype and pretence so obvious elsewhere.
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2601 posts 10/4/2012 5:50 am |
Like sexysixties2, I too have learned a lot since I started blogging...I joined this site because I believed it was open and honest about sex something that wasn't allowed in my real life...but I since learned that there is as much deception here as anywhere...the blogs are what kept me staying...and the friends I have made a long the way...
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13158 posts 10/3/2012 2:38 am |
Quoting goodatpoetry2:
There was a time that I spent way too much time here and cared way too much about what others thought about me. But that has changed quite a bit.
Sometimes I don't come here for weeks. And then when I do, I often only spend a few minutes.
Things change... 
Now that I'm back I'm always conscious of the time that I'm spending here when I should be doing "proper" writing. It's a great distraction! But I agree about worrying about what others think. That has got less with me too, although it's good to make friends.
If there was no fun in the blogging I wouldn't be here.
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13158 posts 10/3/2012 2:34 am |
Quoting sexysixties2:
I have learned a lot since I started blogging here about not giving out too much personal information to people who are really strangers. I have made good friends here and those would know more about me from contact off site. I often wonder about the members who post naked or near naked photos of themselves. Do they care that these photos oould end up anywhere? But that's up to them I suppose.
I like to get comments on my blog but would never go as far as some of the comment chasers I see here....that just seems sad to me....but again that's their business.
I joined the site to meet people...men of course...now I meet rarely but I blog so I reckon it's the social interaction with adults I was missing.
I have known one or two cases when inadvertent disclosure of identity in an open forum have led to problems and I do think it is wise to be reasonably discreet - the better you get to know someone, the more you disclose.
Although in some ways there is always a kind of artificiality about remote communication it's also good to remember that real people have created the content - and actively respond to it. I often use the maxim of treating people in RL as a good starting point for treating others here. However, this site does lend itself to opportunities to be flirtatious, sexual and just plain naughty ..... and there's a fun in that that simply can't be easily found elsewhere.
warm xx
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16552 posts 10/2/2012 2:57 pm |
There was a time that I spent way too much time here and cared way too much about what others thought about me. But that has changed quite a bit.
Sometimes I don't come here for weeks. And then when I do, I often only spend a few minutes.
Things change...
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39750 posts 10/2/2012 9:17 am |
I have learned a lot since I started blogging here about not giving out too much personal information to people who are really strangers. I have made good friends here and those would know more about me from contact off site. I often wonder about the members who post naked or near naked photos of themselves. Do they care that these photos oould end up anywhere? But that's up to them I suppose.
I like to get comments on my blog but would never go as far as some of the comment chasers I see here....that just seems sad to me....but again that's their business.
I joined the site to meet people...men of course...now I meet rarely but I blog so I reckon it's the social interaction with adults I was missing.
"Age does not protect you from love, but love, to some extent, protects you from age."
~~Anais Nin~~
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