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| Blogs > whoisagentj > The Dossier of Agent J |
Things off the top of my head I'm thinking about
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Things off the top of my head I'm thinking about Mom just informed us that she's goin to have to go back in for more surgery possibly right around Thanksgiving. They discovered that the blood clot in her neck is blocking blood flow to her brain, so they'll have to set up a time soon for her to go in for surgery to remove the clot and her out. Once again, I'm scared for her and I hope she's going to pull through it. The thing that's scary is the doctors are dragging their feet on the surgery. She goes in tomorrow for an exam to check out the clot in her neck. ************* I need to start saving to get enough for an apartment. However Christmas is coming, so I don't know how that's going to work out. All I can hope for is my work coming through with another sizable Christmas bonus like last year. ************* Work has been really rough lately. I've got a project manager making my life pretty fucked up and he's been bugging the shit out of me every day to work on his project first before anyone else's shit, when I have 20 other people hitting me up to work on their items. I've had to bite my lip several times to keep myself from exploding at this project manager and put him in his place, because if I do lash out, then it can me my job. So for now...I'm trying my damn hardest to keep my cool, because this project manager is absolutely terrible at his job. I just have to weather the storm so that I don't have to deal with him for too much longer and finish his project. ************** My SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is starting to get closer and I can feel it building. The good news is I've been taking off every other Monday at work, in order to burn off vacation days, and it's helping me cope. Having to work 4 days one week and 5 the next, and then back to 4 days, it's really helped with the stress. ************** I have no clue what to get people for Christmas this year. I think this year...it's going to be a gift card Christmas. Less stress for me, and I can let people figure out what they want for Christmas instead of me trying to guess horribly at it. ************** I'm debating on if I am going to subject myself to the madness that is Black Friday<b> shopping. </font></b>Still haven't decided, but I was thinking maybe I could myself a new 4K TV as my own gift? I dunno, though, because I still have a perfectly good working tv in my room, it's just a older 1080p TV. Which isn't that old. ************** I've pretty much almost given up on online dating now. I recently had someone on Bumble that chose me, and then seconds later, unmatched with me after I saw the notification. Now it's just turned into a time-wasting thing with me because no matter who I like or chose, I'll never see them anyway. I've gotten a bit depressed over it all. ************** I noticed that a new person here has taken over the Chicago area blogging and she's taken my title I once had. Not that I care, but she's resorted to posting porn picts and commenting on it like some of the others do here in order to inflate her profile and then all of the thirsty guys then go there to post comments. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Eh, I guess it irks me a tiny bit, but I've moved on. I got more important things to worry about than being at the top of the blogging community. Like my folks, getting a new place in the coming months, getting my bills in order, and figuring out what to do for Christmas stuff. ************* I sometimes think...is this all I am? Work, , sitting at home taking care of my folks...I don't have much of a life. It's like a lot of shit is on hold. I don't know if I'm ready for someone in my life at the moment, and at other times, I'm desperate. I feel lonely at times. ************* I wanted to type something funny just now after typing the paragraph above to mask the loneliness that I'm feeling at this moment, in an attempt to hide my pain and play it off as that I'm happy. Even though I am not. I sometimes do that, apply some self-depreciating humor in order to throw people off into thinking, "I'm ok", when in fact I'm not. I had to delete it, because I told myself I would be honest and not try to lie about how I'm feeling. It's not easy doing this. It's hard to admit when you're in pain, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. ************* Going to end this here. Not my life, but the post. Don't panic, I'm not wanting to hurt myself. Sometimes its easy talking about this, and other times, I just want to curl into a ball and just stop everything. Even though things don't stop. It's just me that stops. And that's not good for me. I know things are not healthy right now, but I'm trying to fix stuff. It's just not easy. Who can you call on to save the day? Why none other than... Agent  |
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I hope one day things will be better. That's what keeps me going. The hope that tomorrow will be better. Thanks for reading. Who can you call on to save the day? Why none other than... Agent
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