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17 ways women fail in bed
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17 ways women fail in bed 1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy’s dick don’t grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don’t use the love sword as if it’s a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down. 2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy’s dick don’t just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It’s a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle. 3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you’ve come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he’s done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. 4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don’t laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, “I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion.” Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you’ve got a guy who can speak in whole sentences. 5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don’t close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness. 6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don’t wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it. 7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done. 8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If you don’t like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away. 9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything. 10. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: “Are you going to come soon.” If you’re doing a blowie, you’d have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you’re giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he’s shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings. 11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don’t ask him if you’re the best lover he’s ever had most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don’t ask a man to lie about such an important thing. 12. PLAYING DEAD: Don’t just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don’t mind that and we’re blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation. 13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don’t sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he’s a real man he’s probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy. 14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don’t shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your snatch look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging. 15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like “I love it when you come in my mouth” makes for a happy finale to fun and games. 16. BEING UNGRATEFUL: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a)sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b)you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man’s role in sex is far more demanding than a woman’s so it is always nice when one’s prowess is appreciated. 17. SEEKING FAVORS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man’s warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, “Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?” There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - . well !! well !! well , ladies i guess u all pissed at me  but this is just a joke, so dont take it seriously,  though i think guys would love this.dont want no women hating me  have a nice day ladies   |
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10/3/2007 3:15 am |
I love it, because I'm British and can understand satire. However, I have a number of American lady friends who do not. They will be sending the FBI round to sort you out CB2 Blogito ergo sum.
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I agree with CB2.. that was excellent  [post 3969793]
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thanks a lot consideringbi2 for the post, visited ur blog too, well u one hell of a lady that needs a fingering , well dont run ur head with the word "fingering" , i meant fingering ur mind with some brainy whacky written stuff to give u a high with good brain twisting blogs.would love to chat with u someday, i bet i would enjoy every second of that time. i dont think any guy messes up with u have a nice day beautifull  , wake up to a smiling new cheerful day
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10/3/2007 4:17 am |
yeah, you better be ready for those who don't get it... sad thing is, I have known men who would have been cheering in agreement by the end of the joke... sad little creatures... Not all who wander are lost.
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Haha - you seem to have fooled the ladies Nice tactic - tell the truth, say it was a joke and hope that some of it gets absorbed...
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thanks for dropping by, really loved ur blog too , its good to know that somethings what we do makes up a good day for someone n brings them joy have a nice day n smile to a brand new smiling day bye
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You should have finished it WITHOUT the retraction at the end, just to see how many people got outraged I might have to do the reverse version of this. All great ideas deserve to be stolen!   
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10/3/2007 10:02 pm |
Well done! All important messages to get across ! My blog is a free-fire zone. Come armed with a sense of humor
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hi there smartasswoman, u r right i shouldnt have ended it with the retraction @ the end, but i didnt want to be the most sought after guy on Senior Sizzle waiting to be slaughtered by the beautiful women here, i bet most of the lovely ladies r sharpening their nails for that , OUTRAGED is just a small word for what some ladies might be feeling for me have a nice day , u too have a beautifull blogand thanks CB2 for letting everyone know for of my blog
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10/4/2007 1:29 pm |
I love the idea of being offered as a party favour because I was top tier Blogito ergo sum.
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10/5/2007 8:16 am |
Excellent - had me laughing, cringing and screwing my face up at the thought of ex-girlfriends all the way through!
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