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Professional Stuff
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Professional Stuff Business and Professions A Physician, an Engineer, and a Lawyer were discussing their professions. They were trying to determine which profession had been around the longest. The Doctor said "Doctors were first. In the good book, it states that Eve was created from one of Adam's ribs.....That required the first surgery. So Doctors were here first." The Engineer said, "NOPE, it also said, before Adam and Eve, that God created the heavens and the earth. That required a lot of plans and engineering work, so Engineers were here first." The Lawyer said, "Sorry Guys, lawyers were here before all that. If you read a little closer, it says that in the beginning there was confusion." ----- A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines." ----- Why I Am So Tired For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me . . . and you're sitting there reading jokes. ----- A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?" The first applicant was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two. " The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job. ----- What's the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. ----- What's the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him. ----- Two accoutancy students were walking across campus when one said "Where did you get such a great bike?" "The second student replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." ----- To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. ----- How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life examples: -> "My intensity and focus are at inordiinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable. " -> "Education: Curses in liberal arts, ccurses in computer science, curses in accounting." -> "Instrumental in ruining entire operaation for a Midwest chain store." -> "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet." "I have an excellent track record, allthough I am not a ." -> "I am a rabid typist." -> "Created a new market for pigs by proocessing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side." -> "Exposure to German for two years, buut many words are not appropriate for business." -> "Proven ability to track down and corrrect erors." -> "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far." -> "I have become completely paranoid, ttrusting completely nothing and absolutely no one." -> "References: None, I've left a path oof destruction behind me." -> "Strengths: Ability to meet deadliness while maintaining composer." -> "Don't take the comments of my formerr employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers." -> "My goal is to be a meteorologist. Buut since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." -> "I procrastinate- -especially when thee task is unpleasant." -> "I am loyal to my employer at all cossts ..Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail." -> "Qualifications: No education or expeerience. " -> "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."" -> "Accomplishments: Oversight of entiree department." -> "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!" -> Cover letter: "Thank you for your connsideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!" ----- The manager of a megastore came to check on his new salesman. "How many customers did you serve today?" the manager asked. "One," replied the new guy. "Only one?" said the boss. "How much was the sale?" The salesman answered, "$58,334." Flabbergasted, the manager asked him to explain. "First I sold a man a fishhook," the salesman said. "Then I sold him a rod and a reel. Then I asked where he was planning to fish, and he said down by the coast. So I suggested he'd need a boat - he bought that 20-foot runabout. When he said his Volkswagen might not be able to pull it, I took him to the automotive department and sold him a big SUV." The amazed boss asked, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?" "No," the new salesman replied. "He actually came in for a bottle of aspirin for his wife's migraine. I told him, "Your weekend's shot. You should probably go fishing." ----- According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of stopping. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal. ----- A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 8 bucks an hour starting today and in three months, I'll raise it to 10 bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?" "In 3 months," the employee answers. ----- My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. Then I tried to be a chef, I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next was a job in a shoe factory I tried, but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian, but there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind. SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB! ----- Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?" ----- A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long." ----- Signs and Slogans: On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business." Sign over a gynecologist' s office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." At a proctologist' s door: "To expedite your visit please back in." On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." On an electrician' s truck: "Let us remove your shorts." On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push." At an optometrist' s office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! food is expensive." In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up." In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." At a Chicago radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak." ----- Signs and Slogans: Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light. ----The Janitor ----- A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them on. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair-- try these." The speaker tried them on and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He said, "I have one more pair. Try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went to thank the man who had helped him. I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker." ----- A dad walks into a market with his young . The is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replies. "I work for the IRS." ----- There was this $20 dollar bill and a $1 dollar bill on the conveyor belt at the downtown Federal Reserve Building. As they were lying there side by side the $1 dollar bill said to the $20 dollar bill, "Hey mannnnnn, where have you been. I haven't seen you in a long time ?" The $20 dollar bill replied, "Man I have been having a ball! I been traveling to distant countries, going to the finest restaurants, to the biggest and best casinos, numerous boutiques, the mall uptown, the mall downtown, the mall across town and even a mall that I just newly built. "In fact, just this week I've been to Europe, a professional NBA game, Rodeo Drive, the all-day retreat spa, the top-notch hair salon and the new casino! I have done it all!!!" After describing his great travels, the $20 dollar bill asked the $1 dollar bill, "What about you? Where have you been?" The $1 dollar replied, "Well, I've been to the Baptist church, the Methodist church, the Presbyterian church, the Episcopalian church, the Church of God in Christ, the Catholic church, the Mormon church, the church of the Latter Day Saints, the A.M.E. church, the Disciple of Christ church, the..." "WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A MINUTE!!" shouted the $20 dollar bill to the $1 dollar bill. "What's a church?" ----- One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation. The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels..... . just lean on each other until they arrive." ----- Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle... 10. Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a freakin' box all day long. 9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you. 8. Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire. 7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese. 6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose. 5. The walls are too close together for the<b> hammock </font></b>to work right. 4. 23 power cords - 1 outlet. 3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds. 2. The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more signs of life than your co-workers. And the number 1 drawback to working in a cubicle ... 1. You can't walk out and slam the door when you quit. ----- A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials an extension and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!" The voice from the other side responded, "You fool! You've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?" "No," replied the trainee. "I'm the CEO of the company!" The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to?!" "No." replied the CEO indignantly. "Good!" replied the trainee, who put down the phone. ----- This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny. NAME: George Martin SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least, one who'll cooperate). DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday,Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? : I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - no. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely. SIGN HERE: Sagittarius ----- It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea." As soon as you idiot proof something, someone will come along with a better idiot. |
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