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The Tarnishing of His Jewel
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The Tarnishing of His Jewel "If you read this line, remember not the hand that wrote it Remember only the verse, songmaker's cry the one without tears For I've given this its strength and it has become my only strength. Comforting home, mother's lap, chance for immortality Where being wanted became a thrill I never knew The sweet piano writing down my life" "Teach me passion for I fear it's gone Show me love, hold the lorn So much more I wanted to give to the ones who love me I'm sorry Time will tell [this bitter farewell] I live no more to shame nor me nor you And you... I wish I didn't feel for you anymore..." A lonely soul... An ocean soul... Both of these videos are the same song, Nightwish's Dead Boy's Poem. The group was given to me by one of the girls that He lied to me about. I prefer the first video.... but after seeing the video for the second, I would like to symbolize the "monster" as being the demons that He will have to face one day. I had gone out to dinner with a friend, a Rednek chick (smiles). After a wonderful meal, I made my way to Robert's, where I had agreed to meet Him. He was wonderful, charming, dark. I fell for Him quickly, as you can probably tell from previous blogs. I knew at first I was not the only one in His life, but as we progressed quickly forward, I thought that He had vanquished all others. He spent evenings with me... and I with Him. Shooting pool, taking Him to the best restaurants, like the StockYard (Nashville). We watched movies, cooked dinner for each other, and soaked up each other's company. A mutual friend who knew Him before me while He was married to Donna, asked me why I could not have been there before Donna to spare Him the pain that she had brought to Him. This person also commented that it seemed as though Sal was finding balance in His life again, and was becoming more in control of Himself. I took care of Him... bathed Him, brought comfort to His life. My domicile, my bedchamber, my bathing room... they were maintained at a high level of perfection... the fountain flowed, the music stirred, and He found satisfaction and peace in my bed. I could tell that BDSM was not really His thing, because the dominant role, despite His occupation, was not a natural one. But despite that shortcoming, I flew high, as my heart and my mind were wrapped up in this as much as my body. More times than not, a quality bottle of Scotch was on my counter, a pack of Marlboros on the microwave, and a RedBull in the refrigerator. He went through my networks, questioning the sincerity of this contact and that, and most were deleted at His wish. The alcohol melted the rigid, tough Soldier image that He portrayed to the world, and another side was exposed, like the grass and rocks peaking out from underneath the snow on a warm winter's day. I saw parts of His soul that I know He never intended to show me. And He said things that I am sure He would not have me repeat. And He breathed life into me, a rejuvenation of my soul, once thought to be dead from the passing of Master Stephen. The end of February saw a dark day for me, and little did I know it would be the beginning of the end. He received orders to go to Baumholder, Germany, and with it came His long-sought promotion. I received His tags, and wore them religiously. The Day was drawing near, and I felt the stress and strain of it, but pretended not to show it. He said that He could not collar me, because He didn't think it was fair since He would be so far away, and even wanted me to find a "special female" friend. I should have taken this as a sign, but I did not. My heart is in this, even still, and I trusted too much. I never questioned Him, ever. Joseph kept insisting that He was using me, lying to me, but I passed this off as jealous intentions. I helped Him clean His apartment out. Made sure that everything was clean. We went to the Lodge that weekend, and everybody was buying Him drinks and telling Him they would miss Him. I could tell it was hard on Him. I could tell. We spent one last time in my big ole garden tub, and we talked about things... a little of this, a little of that. Hawaii would be His next destination after Iraq, and it was mine too, for school. He was sure He would get there just fine. It would be the last time I would ever be in that tub again. As silly as it sounds, I just could not step into that tub anymore. The day He left, He told me He was heading on to Atlanta to drop His car off and fly over. I saw the tears in His eyes. They could not be fake. I didn't hear from Him for a few days. My world had sunk a little. But I was unaware of the leaks that were springing up all around me. I wrote emails, letters, sent packages and cards, and called every Thursday. I called Him. He rarely called me, despite Him making 4-5 times more than I. I accepted it. It was my part, to extend 200% to support Him. I was working hard to maintain the relationship. He called me once while Sharon and I were at Cheekwood Botanical saying He was going into the field. He would say that He was going to the field and disappear for a week. He gave me His credit card number and I was to make a payment to His attorney regarding His DUI. I would dutifully write and religiously call on Thursdays. The calls became something that I would look forward to throughout my week. I arranged for Muscle Mustangs/Fast Fords and 5.0 to send Him a subscription when He was deployed to Iraq. I also arranged through Vonage for Him to access and be able to download movies while in Iraq. Now, I know that He will not have a lot of time while there, but I was searching for anything to bring Him a moment's peace. I packed up care packages of things that I thought He would enjoy. He had said that He was not really enjoying Germany that much, and that there weren't many English speaking channels on His dish. So I sent Him good healthy snacks and DVDs. My friends and acquaintances really embraced our relationship and wanted to include things in His care packages, too. (laughs softly) I would send Him pressed flowers from the grounds outside my chamber window in His cards. He commented that He had flowers all over His floor. He would respond to my emails, and even leave comments on various blogs, but He never wrote me through the post. I have every email ever sent or received, and every IM saved. I would read them over and over again during our blackout times to bring me peace. I have several special text messages locked in my phone, though His voicemails are long gone, thanks to the mail expiration processes on cell phones. I could be having the crappiest day, and hearing His voice just made things seem a little brighter. I kept Him abreast of my days, trying to make sure that He was still a part of them, always informed, and aware that He was the only One in my life. I NEVER cheated on Him, and thwarted all attempts of anyone trying to get close to me for that purpose. I asked him about one of his MySpace friends "Shawn", that would it be all right if I contacted her, because I was<b> seeking friends </font></b>that knew Him, but He said that she was crazy and wanted more than friendship, and it wouldn't be a good idea to talk to her. So I let it slide. Joseph kept pushing me, calling me, emailing me, following me... still insisting that Kenny was using me, but I pushed him away. Sal said that He had visited France with Dan, and got into a scuffle with a about how he was treating his . When all was said and done, Kenny said He had been maced, and was badly beaten the head and face. He said that He looked horrible, but was all right. I started a rigorous workout program and started running every day. I know that He prefers athletic women, and I was to be visiting Him in Germany before He deployed to Iraq. I wanted Him to be the envy of all His Joes. Sal/Kenny got assigned ANOC at Ft. Benning, which was 5 hours away. The class was condensed down to 2 months, instead of the longer length of before. He came to see me every other weekend, and training took Him on those opposite weekends, he told me. Friends who had been to ANOC at Benning said that didn't seem right, but I brushed it aside. I relished Him as He came up. Made sure that everything was perfect for Him. I was His Designated Driver, since He has a DUI pending in Clarksville. And I made sure that He wanted for nothing, or so I thought. Sally J. http://Senior Sizzle.com from MySpace had left a comment on His page on August 22nd stating, "R u ready for another night of Jello and Johnny Walker? Or can you handle it?? See you tonight babe". He merely brushed it off saying that He didn't like jello, and that this girl was crazy. And I believed Him. He found out that His deployment was changed from October '07 to March '08. He had already gained the mindset of deployment, and this really mentally screwed with Him. He was quite enraged, but justifiably so. He had said that He detaches from everyone, including His when He prepares for deployment, so don't get my feelings hurt. It's nothing personal. Joseph had made an appearance at my job, throwing a stack of emails at me, stating that this should be all the proof that I needed. I threw them onto the ground and walked back inside, but one of my co-workers went outside and picked them all up. I just stashed them, intending to show them all to Sal. I called Him, but He said not to worry, that you can create anything the web. So I let it slide. The last weekend we spent together we shot pool at the Lodge, and ended up playing pool against 2 fellows who were contractors for the military, one of which was Richard. Sal was getting pretty hammered. I attributed it to stress. He would brag on my former military experiences to them. "She was E.O.D. She played with explosives!" I've gone up to the Lodge a few times since that time, and Richard said that Kenny said that He loved me. (sighs) That night, after an entertaining time at the Waffle House, we got home and hit the shower. As He rinsed the conditioner from my hair, He whispered that He wasn't ready to leave Stateside yet... that He didn't want to leave me yet. My heart melted, but I stayed quiet. You see, when He is drunk, there are other sides to Him that come out. He says a lot of things that He has hidden deep inside. I just soak them in, process them, and keep them in mind when I interact with Him. I watched Him in the shower, and my thoughts were that He doesn't look happy... He looks so sad... so very sad. Little did I know. He said His flight would be out of Atlanta on the 24th. I so much wanted to go to His graduation ceremony, but He said it would be a waste of time and money and that I would only see Him for maybe an hour. I obeyed His wishes and did not go. It tore my heart not to, but His will be done. After He left, I joined a gym and got a personal trainer. I wanted to look spectacular in December-January when I could come to Germany to spend Christmas and His birthday and mine with Him. September was a rough month. I found out that I would be forced to move early, despite previous agreements. My truck broke down, and my finances were diverted to fixing my truck and moving. My time was also occupied in the move... while maintaining a job and a half work schedule and school. I called like clockwork, and sent Him emails as always. Just my care packages and postals slowed down. He called and said there was some good news that He would be coming to Texas in December for Christmas. He was going to see Sydney, but I could fly out and be with Him too. When I could not get a hold of Him, I did my best to keep my chin up. "Maybe He is just training, preparing for His deployment," Bob suggested. I sat down and wrote an email to Shawn on MySpace http://Senior Sizzle.com merely introducing myself and telling her that I was glad that she came back to Kenny's friends list. I told her that He needed all the real friends He could get and I would not ever step between Him and His friends. I hoped that we could be friends, as well. Soon after, I was deleted off of Kenny's MySpace account. I found that out when I was posting my weekly greetings to my friends, and it wouldn't let me post anything on His account. Saturday night (10/06/2007) I received an email from someone. This person stated that I was both beautiful and intelligent. Then asked if I was sure that this Soldier I was waiting for was worth it. This person suggested that I look at the identification of FiddlersCav. He mentioned that this profile was similar to my InsomniacInIraq. I was floored! This ID was created June 17th... and had at one time maintained an Atlanta area location for nearly 59 days. I used a D.O.A. program and found more information on His activities through it. I started searching through the emails that Joseph had given me and started sending emails to these people. It turns out that soon after He landed in Germany, He was on the prowl. He had a relationship with one girl, was even cheating on her with others, and I'm sure that she never knew. Always goes and sees this girl, Dawn http://Senior Sizzle.com=user.viewprofile&friendID=46322158 who lives near the hospital that He claims to go to all the time. And recall Sally, the Jello girl? Well, that's another notch in His belt. Most of the responses have been quite amiable, and a few were a little shocked. I cannot list the really damaging ones, as they are from a site that is not socially acceptable, and because they have been so kind to me, I cannot imagine to taint their image at my expense. A few have had quite lengthy conversations, and I am finding out that He has used the same lines on them as He has on me. He also did not use a condom very often. He tells people that I am some mad woman … and that he can't control what is posted on the web, or my actions. Well, if any of this is true, it was that I was madly in love and devoted to Him. And it is completely true that He was not in control of my actions or postings. I emailed Him on all His accounts, and although He has read the emails, He has not responded to me. All I get is silence. As a side note, there are grave discrepancies between His version of the France brawl and accounts of His tale to other people, including his "friend" Dan. Monday morning was the first day that I did not wear His tags. They are in a dish on the bathroom sink. All His pictures and things are in a box on the floor of my closet. I called my physician Monday morning to double check the coverage and results of my quarterly health tests that I endure for my cancer because He often failed to use a condom during His activities. I am clean, thank the gods! My friends have been quite supportive, but most of the people that knew Kenny or are military, knew that He was going to do it. It was just a matter of time. I have used up my $30-international calling card, and have left messages… but He never answers. Silence is all I get. So what do you do? First of all, I want to say that I am very worried about Him as He continues along this downward spiral. He is burned out, and has been for a long time. He drinks too much, and looks at women as something to conquer because that is the training of a warrior… and is His mind is not right. This does not make Him someone to be angry at, but rather someone to be pitied. I spoke with someone who extended her hand in friendship who is involved with Military Psychiatry. She says these are classic symptoms of Soldier or NCO burnout. And I worry that before He hits rock bottom, He will seriously hurt some people along the way, like one of His Joes. And I know that He cannot live with Himself if that should ever happen. I wanted people to know the truth about what happened, because despite what He has told you, I am not a mad woman. I was a woman in love with someone who could not be respectful nor honest with me. I do not feel anger, I feel pain. I did not expect fidelity, but I did expect respect and honesty. And that is where I am at. … and I am stepping back.  |
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1 post 10/10/2007 5:02 pm |
Warm hugs and my best wishes. Healing will take a long time after such a violation of trust. It's hard to get through the day when there's a hole in your heart and when everything reminds you of it, when you flash with rage at being used and cheated, then feel stupid or blind for the same reasons, and all because you thought the man you were dealing with was a normal, honest, and caring individual. When I was in college I lived for two years with a person who had antisocial behavioral disorder, previously called a "sociopath" in the psychology literature and termed "psychopath" before that. He'd been in the seminary and Marine Corps and taken lots of psychology classes, all of which helped him exploit some and frame others. He would even steal things from himself to make it appear that my friends were thieves. To keep me from spending money on girls he would destroy anyone who got close to me, while convincing them that I was crazy. When they reacted strangely he would explain that they had serious psychological problems and that I shouldn't say anything to them because he was "counseling them." It took many, many years for the wounds he inflicted on me to heal. I know you'll spend a while on a journey filled with painful memories, but please cling to hope and remember that life presents us with few problems that can't be solved by a sufficient amount of RDX.
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10/25/2007 9:54 pm |
I have walked a part of this path and my heart goes out to you. It is always difficult to understand how someone can connect to you so well and speak all the right words. I remember endless nights of chats and sharing of dreams, then she just turned away to another. I still don't understand it, but I know my life must go on. And yours will too. I just wish it wasn't so painful for you. But I appreciate you sharing.
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11/26/2007 12:07 pm |
I read your story. Pretty tough to have to go through that. I do have some comments that you need to wrangle with. Thinking that this activity of conquering women has something to do with his military training is hogwash. I am a retired Military officer. I was with the Rangers in Fort Benning for 15 years. The NCO burnout is again hogwash. We have have several programs that we go though that make those issues irrelevant. And if he had real issues his commander would have him re assigned and maybe even reclassified. He is living a life that he choses and he treats women the way he wants to. His disregard for your feelings is not a symptom of anything other than being a jerk. The result of being in the Military and traveling constantly has real issues. I never thought of being married and even now I am not happy in the one I am in. I have thought about ending it, but the issues I have are for things not needing to go into here. All I am saying is. Don't give him an excuse such as the military life style etc.. for treating you this way. There are a lot more stressful professions that do just fine..and there are a lot of military personnel who adapt fine and don't have to treat women this way. ArmyRanger
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Simply put, he has lost a far greater treasure than he could ever imagine. He has lost you. I pity him.
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3/6/2008 10:50 am |
For a man to discard such a lovely woman a this is just wrong.
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5/7/2008 4:37 pm |
Regarding ArmyRanger's comments about NCO burnout - I have to disagree that it's a b.s. statement. Just because the Army has "programs...make those issues irrelevant" doesn't mean that a soldier who is in denial would attend those programs. If he was required as part of a group to attend, he still might not recognize himself in the profile due to his own denial. I was that NCO in burnout - even though my service was in peacetime (thank God). I was in a troubled marriage, working my way into an enormous debt through my own misdeeds, and ceased serving "to serve and protect" but rather to pay my bills. That is a textbook definition of the difference between a Sergeant and a Noncommissioned Officer. The Noncommissioned Officer never ceases SERVING. But just because we wear the rank doesn't mean that we continue to earn the title. In my case, I was offered, and took early retirement before I was put in a position where I could have hurt my soldiers. I was lucky. Not all are, especially in wartime. Sweetheart, I feel for you and the situation you've described. I've been (in parts) on both sides of this situation - as the cheater and as the cheated. But life does indeed go on. You wake up, read the paper, thank God that your name isn't in the obituaries, and realize its a very good day. By the way, has anyone ever told you that you look like Lori Singer (the leading lady in Footloose)? Just my opinion - but it's a good likeness. Best wishes, Jason
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7/15/2008 11:09 pm |
I WENT THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILAR, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP. I SORTA KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE LIED TO, AND FIND OUT THAT THE PERSON YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH, HAS OTHERS. NO ONE SHOULD EVER HAVE TO GO THROUGH WHAT YOU DID AND ITS A SHAME THAT YOU HAD TO ENDURE THAT PAIN AND HEARTACHE. IT IS BEST TO FIND OUT THE TRUTH OTHER THAN FINDING OUT TOO LATE. SOMEONE THAT WOULD LEAVE A WOMAN THAT IS AS DEDICATED AND LOYAL AS YOU WERE TO HIM, IT IS TRULY HIS LOSS. HE USED YOUR SUBMISSIVENESS AGAINST YOU, IT SHOULD NEVER BE USED AS SUCH. I KNOW THAT YOU WILL RISE ABOVE THIS, AS YOU ARE A STRONG WILLED AND INTELLIGENT WOMAN, THAT WILL NOT LET THIS STOP YOU FROM YOUR GOALS.
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9/14/2008 8:03 pm |
War creates countless periphial casualties.
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11/5/2008 7:15 am |
You are online and just wanted to drop you a note to see if you get it. Chris
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4/12/2011 12:18 pm |
Let me fix my comment, I read your some of your work and its pretty good, I believe you are local to the same area that I am in, and we may have met before. But no worries and I hope all is well with you!! Take care!!
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