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Best of Season 2: 4 of 4: The Conclusion
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Best of Season 2: 4 of 4: The Conclusion Best of Season 2: 4 of 4: The Conclusion Here you go, the last of my posts from the past year that I would like to share with you folks  New material to begin soon. .C Holding a grudge Holding a grudge, is when you hold onto feelings of resentment against someone out of proportion to the wrong committed against you. That requires some subjective and objective evaluations. Objectively, someone knowingly causing you harm (physical, emotional, mental or otherwise) can be reasonably assessed, that is, most people unfamiliar with the parties involved, would agree there was harm committed. Then there is the subjective issue, and that is harder to assess. You can split this into the other person's perspective and your own perspective. Why do other people do things? All I can ever do is guess, but for myself, I use malice as a criteria when evaluating someone else, because for me, that covers most situations. If there was malicious intent, then that is very different than if there was an absence of malice. Which comes back to how I feel and process an incident. I had a temper in the past, but it has been many years since I have lost it. I do still get upset and angry, but not the self-destructive righteousness and rage of my past. I simply came to a conclusion one day that being angry takes energy, and that by spending my time and energy on my anger, it left with less to spend on other aspects of my life. That I was, taking away from other parts of my life where I could be more productive, and was ultimately hurting myself in the long run. Taking this to an extreme, I simple expunge people who engage in malicious behavior from my life. I don't need or want them in my life. I realize this makes me a hard person in many respects because I grant very little leeway to people I have written off, but that is who I am. On the other hand, I have been the victim, more than once, or people who have done things for the best of intentions, but caused me trouble. I simply shrug, call them a dumbass, and put it behind us. As far as "growing up"? In my experience, people who engage in malicious action don't stop. Whether they do it for pleasure, or "need", or because they have any number of excuses (e.g. "I was drunk") I ask why do you choose to engage in this type behavior or in placing yourself in a situation where you might commit this action (e.g. "Why do you keep getting drunk?"). The worst of these people though are "the victims" or the "why does everything happen to me?" The gossips who wonder why people don't want to talk to them, the people who get into fights because they are just exercising their "freedom of expression" or the ones who don't care how much anyone else is hurt, but always use it as an excuse to try to get sympathy for themselves. The depressing and frustrating part is that these people do not see themselves as the villain, and are more than willing to take advantage of the good nature of strangers to get sympathy, until they turn on them as well. This is not an exhaustive list of people I avoid, but are the ones that come to mind. Most times, I am a happy person and extremely thankful for what I have, and I think part of it is that I avoid these negative influences in my life. I am by no means advocating a lack of sympathy for others, but I am wary of who I trust because of my experiences in my past. Do I carry grudges? Not really, I just avoid the people who caused them, and so do other people (to varying degrees), because in the end, it's not karma that gets these people, it's their own actions that cause people to ostracize them. The best/worst part of this, is that eventually, this limits the possibilities for positive experiences in their own life as fewer and fewer people interact with them or else they are limited to interacting with people who engage in the same type of malicious behavior as them, and the lack of happiness in their life is the result of their own actions. .C Accepting Help I woke up and was lazing around in my empty bed, when I this occurred to me. Sometimes people want to help us, even when we don't need anything. A brings you a block. A neighbor makes you a cake. The klutzy in law tries to help you cut some wood when they may just amputate something of this in the process. And sometimes, the person you are seeing has this desperate need to make you happy. To do 'something' to cheer you up, even though they can't accept that they make you happy all the time just by being who they are. Accept the help, because it's not for yourself, but for them. Have you ever been mad at someone and the other person is apologizing and apologizing and yet, you can't forgive them, so it makes them feel worse and worse. Well, sometimes people feel the need to contribute or do something for you and by not accepting their help, we hurt them in much the same way as when we don't accept their apology. Some people don't see what they have to offer, and no matter how much we tell them, they can only view some of their contributions with regards to how they make others happy. So I say let them, and let them know you appreciate it. Saying thank you, is sometimes, the best thing you can do. .C Surprise I had this crush on someone for the longest time. Well not really, to be honest I lusted after them based upon the picture I saw (gee - imagine that, a man being attracted to a woman based on her picture). Add to that I would get to talk with her only occasionally and it seemed like she just wasn't ready for anything, but she was always talking about how we should meet for coffee right by where I am during the day. After a few months of this, I sorta gave up on them. After another few months, I noticed that they would show up, talk to people, and then ignore anyone who wanted to meet. I assigned a high probability to the possibility this may have been a mangina (a man pretending to be a female). Now, more than after a year and months after I talked to them last, they talked to me out of the blue and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee, because "after long consideration" they had concluded that I was "decent" and they had decided I was "eligible" to meet them for coffee. My response was literally "I am decent ?!?!?" ... I managed to luckily contain the "Wtf?" that was going through my head. I responded with: "I'm sorry, but after a year of chatting with you and constantly being ignored whenever I asked you to chat, I gave up." Okay so I exaggerated how long we had chatted and I somehow managed to refrain from mentioning that I was pretty sure that "she" was a guy because after more than a year, not a single person on the site could vouch that "she" was real. Now I am am not saying that woman who do not want to meet do not exist, or that people do not appreciate their privacy nor that it shouldn't be respected. I do however have some expectations based upon experience: 1. Anonymity is great, it allows people to be any gender, age and measurement they like. A co-worker told me how he caught his little brother pretending to be a woman online because he could get gifts from men online that way, up to and including a man flying into the city and agreeing to "meet" him at a local bar, and instead, claimed he had been sick and never showed up. To say this one example disgusted me is an understatement but it also demonstrates that there are people who will lie for personal gain. So unless people I have met can verify they have seen you on cam and talked with you, or met you in person, I reserve the right to believe you are not real. Yes this is a cynical attitude and it is mine. 2. Anyone can say and claim anything and unless someone I know and trust has vouched for this person, I reserve the right to limit the trust I place in that person. Insert any example of trust being betrayed here, everyone has them. 3. I have attended about 40-50 meets in 2 states and 2 provinces over the past 2 years. I am willing to meet, and if you are not, then don't be surprised when I wonder "why did you join this web site?" 4. Men and woman are different, to wit, men have a tendency to lack subtlety, ignore relationships and are visually oriented. The usual philosophy of most men is to brag about who they are, put themselves first, and hide/lie when they are in danger of being caught in a lie. This is a blanket generalization I realize, but in my experience, it has been sadly accurate in describing men online. I am not saying there are not exceptions, nor that women are incapable of similar behavior, but this is my rule of thumb, and (generally) it works for me. 5. I make a lot of self-deprecating jokes, and I do have issues (like everyone does), but I also have faith in myself and in some of my meager skills. Combine these facts, and you can understand why I was not surprised that this woman, somehow, "after thinking long and hard" and "finally deciding I was decent", yet again could not find a minute to send me a message. I ask the women of this site this: would you honestly ask someone out publicly in a chat-room after telling them you had spent a long time deciding they were a person you wanted to meet, and then not send them a message? That doesn't make sense to me. I do find it amusing though that after all this time, this person, who has spent probably hundreds of hours pretending to be a woman, probably thinks they are smart for fooling everyone. Sadly though, I wonder if they realize that the hundreds of hours they spent doing that, could probably have been better spent, any number of ways. And there is a third sad option that I really don't like to consider as a possibility. That behaving like this may actually be better than what their "real life" is like, in which case, they have my pity. .C Focusing I have been changing these past few months. In many ways, I have been shutting myself off, allowing fewer and fewer people "in" to my life and giving up on the people who have made me a secondary or tertiary option. I have an arrogant aspect that I try to kept in check, but I don't think that is where this change has originated. I think it's just a matter of limited time and me choosing to focus on what I have decided my priorities should be and what they shouldn't. I'm sorry the chances I was willing to take in the past, I shall not be granting to others and as a result, I will miss out on potentials and possibilities. But I am also looking forward to focusing on those that are a part of my life, and giving them more attention that I have been able to in the past. .C You are not my friend "You may forget the one with whom you have laughed, but never the one with whom you have wept." - Kahlil Gibran This is a rant. I have gotten some comments from people occasionally expressing concern for me, how I feel or the situations I have been in. Thank you for the concern, but while you may empathize, I do not accept your sympathy. I have several acquaintances, but the people I call a friend I can count on one hand. These are the people who have seen me weep. I let very few people into my inner circle and the people who have entered into it are amazing. People who have literally offered to go into debt and fly 48 hours around the world because they thought I "might" need them. I am quite angry right now because I am tired of people throwing the word "friend" around the same way some people throw the word "Love" around: "I love this pasta sauce" "I love that doggie in the window" "I love NY" Unless you have seen me weep, you are not my friend, you are an acquaintance and I am being polite. I urge you not to confuse the terms, because your shallow sympathy grates on my nerves, and unless you are willing to make the smallest bit of effort greater than typing a word or two, you cheapen the meaning of the word. You may have friends by my definition of the word, but I certainly wouldn't claim to be yours. .C The Road I noticed that the construction that they did on a section of road I drive by was completed last fall. I haven't driven that section of road since last fall since I tend to avoid some some streets and during winter time, I avoid being outside as much as possible. As I was driving along the road, I noticed that this particular section that they repaved was quite smooth, and it actually took me a minute or two to clue into it, because the sections before it and after it were still quite rough. That got me thinking, what type of road would you rather drive along, one that's level and everyone knows is level, but is rough, or would you like a road that's smooth, but not quite on the level? Think about your answer, I'll wait for you. Now I wonder what you would say if you were asked the same thing about people in your life? I get the feeling I could turn this into some piece of folk wisdom and year from now, I'll get that advice from someone who read it somewhere who heard from a neighbor who etc etc ... But this is something I'm just hoping to use someday on someone, just because to me, it has the ring of sage wisdom behind it, and not the usual wise-ass I usually sound like .C Mistaken Desire What's wrong with me? Why do I keep making you sad? Why can't I be the person you want me to be? That's because I'm happy being me, and don't see any reason to change. You don't really want me, you want some fantasy version of me that wants the same things you do, and the sad truth is, I don't. .C Just some words "there is always another girl" that's what you said to me when you decided that I wasn't right for you. perhaps you're right. it's not like I work up with a literal pain under my ribs, 7 hours after you said that. not as though you were the first thought that entered my mind. not as though i don't feel like crap right now, still thinking over what I said wrong. maybe I'm foolish for thinking there's a connection you feel sometimes, and it's never the same with anyone else. maybe i'm not smart enough to let go of how happy and giddy i felt talking to you. and maybe i'm a fool for even putting these words down when i should be doing something "more productive" with my time. maybe there is another girl, and i'm sure that there are people out there who can let go and move on with their lives with that bit of advice, just like there are people who can lose their job, or possessions in a fire, and just walk away without a look back. thank you for that advice for telling me what to do, but i have some words for you. "i can't" .C Comparing apples and oranges The other day I was having a conversation with someone when I had an interesting insight. That is one of the reasons I enjoy conversations, because it's the difference between standing in a pool in a backyard somewhere and standing in a creek with the water rushing by. In the pool, it's just you, standing in the middle of what is the same thing, akin to being with your own thoughts, but with the river, you have all bits of mental flotsam and jetsam flowing by and sometimes, they are enough for us to discover something valuable. Maybe it's not important enough to make a distinction between the two, but I came to the conclusion that when we think about how we enjoy the company of other people, "we don't compare people, we compare the experience we have with them". I think it's important because it recognizes that we don't judge the worth of the individual or any material possessions they have, but how they choose to engage with us, and more specifically, the experience it generates. How many times have you enjoyed the company of someone and there wasn't anything fancy involved, just a simple conversation with very few words, yet there was a powerful feeling of connection. Then there are times when you have the fancy clothes, the preparations, the running around and at the end of it all, you just feel tired and you look back at it and it's all just a great big blur. I've let this percolate in my head for a few days now and I'm convinced this is one of those notions that will stick around in my head for a while. For me, it's like finding the focus button on a camera and while I could make out the picture before, this brings my understanding of how I value relationships, more into focus. Then again this may be something obvious to you folks out there, and it's not a great insight, just this slow boy finally catching up with you and realizing something that you have all known for a while. Which leads me to question, have you ever shared this with anyone? I ask because what is obvious to ourselves, is not always obvious to others, and in my opinion, the easiest way to improve the world, is to share what we know with others. .C Not quite It's so amazing when you are with someone new. You want to keep your hopes low and hope that your expectations don't get too high, but they slowly start to climb, in spite of what common sense tells you, and then you meet... . . . ... and you realize that this is not quite what you are looking for. But as the evening progresses, you decide to give the other person a chance, after all, there was a connection of some sort wasn't there? And it would be a shame to go out and miss out on something great because of a bad attitude, so you persevere... . . . ... as you leave them, you realize, you did your best, you tried to keep an open attitude, but somewhere along the line, it didn't work out. We can only control our own actions, and the other person can control theirs, but sometimes, in spite of the best intentions of the both of you, the connection is not quite there. Such is life folks, but without rain, we can't have rainbows. It may not have been there this time, but I'm still hopeful that some day, it will be. .C Why write? I looked at a blog tonight, and it was different from I usually read. This was a blog about serious posts, on serious subjects, and yet, I didn't feel any sense of connection with the author's point of view. I'm not saying they didn't take the time to write at length about a topic they had looked into, cited information that was relevant, all supporting and building toward a conclusion, but it didn't come across that way to me. It sounded like an educated person, using their skills (in whatever, preparing business cases, executive summaries, etc), to rant about what they believed in. The difference between their posts and the basic three line rants you read was that this person had well prepared arguments, sources backing their viewpoints, and a network of several thousand people to post it to. I understand people feel strongly about their beliefs and want to express themselves, that's what a blog is for. I understand wanting to present a strong argument for what you believe and wanting to convince your audience. But theirs something that doesn't feel right to me, about pushing your perspective on people with an almost righteous (note, not self-righteous) zeal. To me, I question whether it is done for the sake of belief and trying convince others to follow these beliefs (why? because you know better, or don't think just presenting the information in a rational tone is as effective?), or is being done for another reason? And I can't help but feel suspicious because when someone tries to convince me about something based on something other than the merits, and instead resorts to using values and perspectives, then I get the impression they are trying to change my mind by manipulating my emotional state. I don't trust arguments that adopt this philosophy, call it my cynical nature. The trouble with arguing with a post like this though, is that it contains citations sprinkled through out the argument, os if you disagree with something, they can toss a number at you to support for their case. However, that does not make their case true, as for years, every time the government went after the tobacco companies, they had a number or study to support their case. Unless there is someone presenting an unbiased case with independent numbers, I find myself reluctant to agree with someone, not because I disagree with with the values they are expressing, but because it is so heavily biased towards a particular perspective. Without a balanced perspective, I think we run the risk of becoming people who make decisions driven by our emotions, but justified by a cherry picking of facts. It doesn't matter if the facts overwhelmingly support one perspective, just by ignoring evidence we don't agree with, it will invalidate the entire process or notion of being balanced and fair. The sad thing at the end of this is that I agree with the person's perspective, I just think I have to play devil's advocate here because without addressing the alternate perspective, there is a risk of slowly becoming someone who ignores that which is the alternative perspective, and closing my mind to others simply because I don't agree with them. That by doing so, I would limit how much I can grow and learn about the world, and that is path I have no wish to tread. .C Getting it right Years ago I worked at a job where I would speak with people over the phone. We would identify them via their phone number and and some other information, so it was possible than a call could go from start to end without once using the customer's name. I do remember one call though that was funny, but because of what went right, not wrong. I correctly pronounced the lady's last name, and she paused when I said it, but resumed the conversation. About ten minutes later during a lull in the call, I gave her my full first name (indicating we shared some ethnicity), and her response was hilarious; "That's It! No wonder you could pronounce my name correctly!", and later on, mentioned how if I had not told her my full name, there's no way she would have ever known my heritage. There's so many things I can discuss at this point, it's almost boggling. Having an ethnic name, does not mean someone has an accent. Who someone is does not affect the skills they possess. And yes, my tongue is quite skilled when it comes to certain matters. I do think though, that it's interesting, that the best way to throw some people off, is to do everything right, such as saying their name, spelling their name correctly or not getting lost when giving them a ride. It's another sad sign of life in today's world, where people have become so used to compensating for the mistakes of others, that they are thrown off or surprised, when someone comes along and does things correctly. .C A Sound I often write about scents, and it's no surprise that men are pretty easy to stimulate visually, but a sense that gets ignored is sound. Everyone has sounds that they love: * the first moan of a lover * realizing that you have excited the other person enough that they are breathing heavily enough for you hear them * the exasperated pleading voice asking you to stop teasing them and to just (*censored*)them I think those are all common sounds, and I know I have my favorite sounds as well (no I'm not sharing them at this time) Do you have a favorite sound you would like to share? .C What do you like? I have a few things that I enjoy in life, and good conversation and passion would near the top of the list. I don't understand how people can go through life without wanting to savoring all that it has to offer. When people say they are bored, that just makes me sad, because there are books to read, shows and movies to watch, wine to savor, movies to see, concerts to enjoy, hobbies to learn, and a little thing called the internet to help you find out details about all of them. *sigh* What do you like? .C sit with me... ... and tell me how your day was. Was it good or bad? Why? was there anything special about it? Did you do anything or was there anything that made it that way? Do you think it may happen again? How do you feel right now? Forgive my manners, can I get you something to drink? . . . That's all a conversation should take to start, a simple interest in the other person and yet, I can't find anyone who's interested in having a conversation, or else school and work don't leave me the time. Some people miss the soul-baring<b> confessions </font></b>and deep intimate moments, but I miss the simple openness, of hearing about the traffic, the coffee fund, and the paper running out. Time to go back to sitting alone here, and working on yet another assignment. My break is over. .C Make it stop the hunger the pain the emptiness . . . I ache for you. .C "Maybe..." "Maybe all we can do is hope to end up with the right regrets." - Arthur Miller Think back on someone who is a part of your life who you met accidentally? Maybe at a temp agency? At a party? Standing in line to register for classes? Think back to all the fun times you have had with them in the past and how lucky you are today to know them. That's the right type of regret, because somewhere along the way, you took a chance, and it all worked out. Maybe remember that the next time you bump into someone, and don't say "hi, my name is ..." .C |
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