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I Just Totally Outlived Jesus!
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I Just Totally Outlived Jesus! "Charlie ...ow, fucking charlie !", she said. This was what I heard this morning as I woke up cottonmouthed with the room spinning and feeling like I'm about to hurl. I couldn't remember that she had sustained some kind of injury last night...nor could I remember, for the life of me, why there was a rotting banana with a condom over it on my nightstand. What diabolical purpose could that have served? Through bleary eyes and a churning stomach, I pondered the possibilities. There was kerioke involved, that much I'm sure...the rest is a bit unclear. That comes later. Before the night had turned depraved and debaucherous my friend with benifits had cooked me a nice birthday chicken dinner at my apartment. That part is clear. We also had a bottle of fine, crisp Portuguese white wine. Ah,I guess this was the culprit to get us started on a roller coaster of sin and depravity. Doesn't it always start with something fine and seemingly innocent? Just a friend, good conversation, a great dinner, and the hair of the that bit me. After dinner we walked out to a kerioke place where this guy I like hosts. Hes a crazy brother with (usually) dyed yellow hair and has been known to tear off his shirt and roll around on the floor as he sings. He's just the kind of crazy cool cat I had wanted my friend with bennies to meet. Lets just call him V.D. Sure enough, V.D. was there. When he figured out I was there, he greeted me with a smile and a handshake and I cracked a joke or two as is tradition for me. As people filed in, the scene got as surreal and interesting as the cantina from Star Wars. Along came an unforgettable someone I had met there before...a regular, I guess. she was a...um...hermaphroditic...trans-gender with kind of a stony, angular face, wide shoulders, impossibly narrow hips, thin fingers about twice as long as mine and one hell of an adam's apple. She had high water pants and some kind of halter top that kept hidden surprisingly shapely boobs for such a strange frame. That led us to believe that maybe her bra was stuffed. She went by the name of a recently notorious hurricane but I think the time before she had the name of a prominent jewelery store. Having elements of both genders, it wasn't surprising to learn that her voice had quite the range...everything from the lowest Tom Waits growl to a high, wavery falsetto. However,to all our shock and awe, in spite of her wide vocal range, we found out soon enough that no voice in her repertoire had met any semblence of what anyone would think as good singing. Just imagine hearing Herman Munster meets Tiny Tim meets that lead singer from Pere Ubu. My friend V.D. started us off with a pretty cool song and the jewelery store turned hurricane botched up David Bowie's Space Oddity in a dull, low monotone. We've now had a first taste of her talent and it was time to drink and drink hard...for we all knew in spite of her tone defness, she was quite enthusiastic about kerioke. My friend with bennies, on the other hand, (lets just call her...friend with bennies)is a beautiful singer. She has won compititions and prizes before and dazzled this audience into clapping and cheering loudly as she finished off her signature songs that she has, by this point, finely polished to perfection. Kerioke is more her thing, not really mine, but I like to go with her to hear her perform. However, to make it a little more MY thing, I had made suggestions for her to sing thats not in her usual bag of tricks. It was my birthday, after all, and we were getting loaded by this point. You know you've achieved greatness when the host of the place reads your song suggestion and asks if you are nuts. "How the hell are you going to pull off System of a Down?", he said. "I don't know, but will you sing it with me?" she asked. "Ok, sure." Because it was my birthday, V.D. first did a funny rendition of Monty Python's "Sit on my Face", then he and my friend actually pulled of the System of a Down tune very well. I never doubted them for a second. The rest gets hazy. I don't remember walking home, but I'm sure we were relieved that we didn't drive. I do remember fleeting bits and pieces of the depravity that ensued in my bedroom shortly after. But not much. "Charlie ....ow, fucking charlie !", I heard her say this morning. The room was spinning and my mouth tasted like wide open ass. Through bleary eyes...a rotting banana in a comdom on my nightstand and no recollection of how it got there...or of its diobolical purpose. It was rotting, bruised, and full of lube, like my head, chest, and sheets respectively. Chest bruised from the<b> flogging...</font></b>the one I barely remember but surely enjoyed immensely. Like the messiah who never made it to his 34th birthday, I was flogged for all the sins of man and particularly my own. I was apparently called a bitch and a while she was on top of me riding my cock and<b> flogging </font></b>my chest. This was my own cross to bear. Apparently. It was best that she was on top and in charge because frankly, I wouldn't have been a hell of a lot of good in that state. I probably would have fell over if I already wasn't flat on my back with her vibe pushed up my ass. She said she had left it in there for about two hours. At that point, I was just a hard cock without feeling or memory for her to do her dirty bidding. Apparently I was fucked, sucked, stroked, flogged, bruised, poked, prodded, bitten, and humiliated. I loved every minute of it...at least the parts I could remember. She helped pieced together the clues and the evidence this morning as it seems her memory remained intact. A reciept found in my pocket said that between the two of us, we had consumed over $100 in booze, most of it consisted of black russians. Not bad. This could explain why we slept with the tube of lube opened all night, oozing out onto my sheets. She told me that on the way home, she had fallen off the sidewalk and this could explain her waking up with a charlie . I don't remember her falling. Sorry, honey. Hope you're feeling better. Between the dinner, the wine, kerioke, V.D.,black russians, the flogging, and the hard, depraved sex, I had the birthday weekend Jesus would have wanted had he made it to his 34th birthday...if only he didn't...you know...get all wrapped up in that crucifixion thing. I had just totally outlived Jesus...but I still don't remember what the banana was used for.  |
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9/20/2005 1:14 am |
Just call me the jigsaw puzzle master, I fill in all the missing pieces! I feel so disappointed in myself forgetting to post about Katrina the Karaoke Hurricane. Ohh well we will see what trouble ensues on Saturday when we head back. Hopefully by them we will both be over our colds otherwise I am going to have to sing "Major Tom", I'll have the range for it.
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9/25/2005 9:44 am |
It is funny thay you should say you outlived Jesus when your blog still thinks you are 33...when I know for a fact you are now 34.  Are you trying to lie about your age..I thought only women did that.
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9/25/2005 11:33 am |
Happy Birthday...or what is left of you to be happy. Glad you had a good time. And glad you are still in one piece. I know what the banana was doing there....I was the one using it. Don't ya remember me coming over...and helping you to drunken masters get more playtime in? Oh well....I'll just keep the banana fiasco to myself. KISSES~~~MANDY Always The Bitch
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Thanks...um...goddessofbitches for clearing up that mystery. For a while, I thought Jimmy Hoffa was in the room with us but I didn't want to say anything...you know...cuz I was plastered from all the booze. Now that I know it was you, thats a big relief. Though...I wish I would have remembered a threesome.
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RetroVirgin, yes, actually V.D. really is a major chick magnet. I have so many lady friends that go out there every week or so to see him...including my friend. speaking of which, she had "accidently" forgot the vibe at my place. Maybe I'll try that sleeping experiment of yours. he he
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wow. you are too funny! [image] Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale Her infinite variety. Other women cloy The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry Where most she satisfies. For vilest things Become themselves in her, that the holy priests Bless her when she is riggish. ~~ from Antony & Cleopatra
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