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| Blogs > rm_esseneff1000 > Esse's House |
Long day, long night
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Long day, long night I'm sitting here watching the clock, remembering where I was a year ago, and getting depressed again. One year ago my ex was alive. He was here. There was drama. He left, and he died in a single vehicle accident. I thank God he didn't hurt anyone other than himself. I miss his friendship, but not the drama, and unfortunately the two went together. I'm angry that he did something so stupid. I'm pissed he's not here to see his first grandchild. To know that his finally forgave him. To see her doing so well. To see his becoming a man. This day has been hell. I was fortunate enough to have friends who distracted me for a while. But now I'm here with my own thoughts and I can't escape. In 30 minutes it will be one year exactly. I can still hear many of the last things he said to me. The tapes replay in my head as if the voicemail could still be played. Ugly hateful things. Angry words, and hurt feelings. The sound of his voice as he became more and more intoxicated. And one of the last ones...about how much he loved me, his , his . Then of course I wonder what if??? What if I hadn't... What if I had... I know I know. I had no control over his actions. I have no responsibility for his choices. And tomorrow the sun will rise and I will go on. But tonight sucks. And I'm gonna take some drugs and sleep through the rest of this crap. |
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9/28/2007 11:49 pm |
I'd agree life can sure suck at times. But I personally believe he's in a better place then those of us left behind who continue to suffer until we meet again. I too have nights like yours and unfortunately there are many. I have many regrets as I believe most who stop long enough to reflect upon their lives do wish we could do things a bit differently. I lost a brother to drugs after his wife died leaving us the kids to deal with. I look back and only wish I had half the brains and open eyes to see how to deal with the pain openly and get the help needed, but I too was way too messed up. Today I choose to remember our good times together and still I get angry and miss him, I get pissed off that he left us. when my depression comes over this I realize it's just my rage and anger about things and the way they are without showing the enthusiasm... so that is depression to me. Yep, sometimes self medication can help however it's only temporary; also it can become the habit to escape dealing with things. So that too can suck. in all honesty we just have to feel the pain, learn from it and move on.... trying only to focus on the good memories. Sure as shit the crappy ones will creep back, well I didn't say it would be easy. My Father served in WWII and went through amazing hell, yes it indeed damaged him. whenever our talking got serious, he said, 'I only try to remember the good times' even though there were very few of them, he's right... that's the positive spin on living through hellish times... then we can turn to the kids and others and tell them how to learn from these crappy things in life and be honest with others and ourselves about the feelings and how it truly sucks sometimes when you miss those who have hone before us. BUT things can still get better or at least different... for the time being. Our turn will come soon enough and I look forward to it because in all honesty that’s when the pain of this life will stop. For now we got to try and hold are heads up and tell others not to take the little things for granted, like each other, even the arguments that one will inevitably regret, these to can be silly and funny when we look at how screwed up our own behavior can be at times. No one is perfect. forgive yourself as he already has. Like my dear brother he only drank to escape the pain of not being able to deal with certain things or the pain of the past. I too recall every word and action leading up to that day, that moment. I have spent a lot of time hating myself for how I behaved towards him. Rather than hug him and say hey we'll get through things together, I instead kicked him (literally) to get his shit together... tough love.... it didn't work, but that is all I knew back then as to how to deal with things. Now yesterday...I only wish I had my eyes open like I do now. It would have been different. I do hate myself for how I once acted but I look back at the fool I was and can also forgive myself, because I was blind and unhealthy. It’s that mourning crap... you are still going through it and that’s ok. At least you have others that love you, stay close when you go through these times as you are not alone. You are not alone in your misery so don't hide away. get out there, when people ask how you are, don't lie and tell them it's really difficult. YOU need someone to talk to. I assume there are others who also miss him and are probably just as angry about it, they may show it differently but that crap is there alright. Just appreciate the ones here, as they are reminders of that love. This was my 1st time ever to respond to someone on this site, so I hope it works as I have rambled on a lot tonight. Take care of yourself. Don’t punish yourself. Look up and talk to him. Then focus on those remaining as they need you. You need each other. This is why I am still breathing even though I can not wait to leave this earth. There’s too much loving to do to leave half way through. Enjoy what we can.
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9/29/2007 12:08 am |
hey it will get better, and you'll even laugh at things. I wish you the best as you likely have past out by now. take care
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9/29/2007 3:31 pm |
hey esse i am with you on this one...only it wasnt mine who said the harsh things it was me...i have to live with it every day.. on the date of his death i relive those words more than any other...daily i have to look into my childrens faces and see who they have become in all of this...and wishing he could have been a part of their teen and adult lives...some say it gets easier i disagree it is never easy to lose a loved one no matter the situation or circumstances surrounding the loss...though we do move on because life goes on for us...and remembering is important because hopefully we have a lesson learned from it...and can use it in our lives today... *huggles*
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ESSE I hope you slept well, luv. I am very glad you realize that there are things YOU can not control. Sometimes one of those things are your feelings and emotions. They just get the best of you. But, I am sure in time (and with the day behind) you will be fine. I feel the same like you and ONEFINEDAI with my mama. She was a GREAT yaya (Greek for grandmother) and passed when my daugher was 5 and my son was less than a year. I wish she could have hung on a bit longer and enjoyed her grandchildren as well as they better know her. My daughter has very faded memories and my son none other than a few pics. I make me sad and teary-eyed to think about it. Oddly, my dad passed when I was just short of 6 and my brother 8 months old. That hurts as well. I know I would have been a better man if he had lived. I think I was left to my own devices in developing my male persona and failed miserably. Now, this late in life I am beginning to learn some with much more to learn. chat/c-ya soon
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I first have to say I'm sorry for not taking the time to make sure you were taking things OK. I didn't really want to bring it up because you were doing so well. If you were having a hard time you should have shared it with me I feel like an insensitive jerk for not making sure, I'm sorry but my radar is not working well at the moment & I'm pissed at myself for letting you hide it. Secondly I'm so very proud of the way the day went & how you handled yourself. More important I need to thank you for all that you have done over the past couple of months you have been a pillar of strength even when you were hurting & there is no way that I could ever repay you or thank you enough. I still have a long way to go in dealing with my situation but want you to know how much I really truly appreciate you. I don't know what I would have done without you. LOVE ALWAYS Cliff
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Thank you for the note. You are a blessing! I enjoyed getting to sit with you and watch life play its wonderful song. Yes the entertainment was fun! Deanna and her Hubby are so FUN!
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