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Feed the Wolf
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Feed the Wolf Do you ever have that feeling where you don't quite feel yourself....when you're not even completely sure who you are any more, or who you want to be? I'm not used to it. I have always had a pretty clear idea of who I was, what was right and what was wrong. I knew what I ought to be thinking and doing, even if I sometimes broke my own rules. But quite a long time ago, for a while there was a time when I started turning into a man I know I never wanted to be. I don't think I realised it was happening. Then something happened which turned my life completely upside down, and when the fallout all settled years later, I was different. Part of me had gone. But then end product was somehow right again, if a little older and sadder. For a little while now I think maybe I have been wondering if I was somehow wandering off track again. It's so hard to tell when you are in the middle of it. I don't even know exactly what the track is meant to be. You know how people always say "Be true to yourself, follow your heart, you'll know deep down what is right." Well I don't. Not that I really have any decisions to make. It's just I keep feeling as if I haven't quite acted like me. Maybe it is just that I have been spending a lot of time recently helping a friend who is going through a really awful patch in life, and well, it makes you question how you spend what's left of it doesn't it? The tonight there was a TV program on in which someone told that old story about the wolves. You know the one - there's an old man telling a boy a story of how all of us have two ravenous wolves inside us. One represents fear and hate and greed and envy and all that stuff, and the other is love and kindness, generosity and hope. And they are always fighting. And the boy asks, "if they are always fighting, which one wins?" And the old man says, "The one you feed." Sometimes I feel as if I have a whole pack of wolves living inside me, and I am never quite sure which ones to feed. |
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Interesting post Dreamer. I like how you describe the ambiguity of who you think you are in this moment. Some days I have that moment several times. Lol. I think when we are spending time with someone who's life makes us re-evaluate our own will tend to make us wonder if we've strayed from what we thought was our path in this life. Or maybe what we had hoped our path would be in this life. It can be unsettling. And sometimes being true to yourself means that you won't follow your heart. But I do believe that we will know deep down inside what is right. But that doesn't make the choice for change any easier. I know...I'm rambling. See what you did to me??? 
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I have been feeling a bit lost for a while now....this getting old thing takes a lot of getting used to.  ~~Anais Nin~~
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I have been feeling a bit lost for a while now....this getting old thing takes a lot of getting used to.
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Interesting post Dreamer. I like how you describe the ambiguity of who you think you are in this moment. Some days I have that moment several times. Lol. I think when we are spending time with someone who's life makes us re-evaluate our own will tend to make us wonder if we've strayed from what we thought was our path in this life. Or maybe what we had hoped our path would be in this life. It can be unsettling. And sometimes being true to yourself means that you won't follow your heart. But I do believe that we will know deep down inside what is right. But that doesn't make the choice for change any easier. I know...I'm rambling. See what you did to me??? I definitely jumped the tracks onto a parallel life one time. There is no way I can cross back over, but I could bend the rails so as to take me nearer what would have been that destination, I'm not sure I want to though, or even if these tracks could ever lead there. Maybe I need to change trains, lol! Tricky business this life thing isn't it!
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Thanks Lala, I appreciate it. I don't know if I would call it self doubt, (though I feel for you if you have it often - it isn't a pleasant state of mind, and yes I totally understand the point that it can be exhausting making the effort to really be yourself.) In this case though it is more a kind of loss of sense of character. A kind of what is the real me sort of thinking.
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I've felt this way for so long now, I don't know anything else. Going through the motions of life while showing off that bright sunshiney outlook on life to the world at large. but hey!.. there is always tomorrow.  Respond to every call that excites Your Spirit ~Rumi  ..
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I've felt this way for so long now, I don't know anything else. Going through the motions of life while showing off that bright sunshiney outlook on life to the world at large. but hey!.. there is always tomorrow.
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