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What you REALLY Want
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What you REALLY Want Sometimes I find myself questioning what it is I really want, and if I can actually work that out, whether what I want is something I can decide to let myself have! I find it strange that whilst we all understand how this works with things other than sex - I want to stay in bed but I know I have to go to work, I want to have that last piece of cake but I am trying to lose weight, I want to punch that stupid guy in the face but I live in a world which frowns on that kind of thing, and I want to be civilised - when it comes to sex, we start thinking differently. We have rebelled against an age which outlawed unrestricted sexual freedom, but in doing so, have we convinced ourselves that it is always okay to have whatever you want in sexual terms? That provided no one else is harmed we can do what we like? Because I am not sure how well that idea works in practice. A recurring theme I find on these blogs is the search.........on this site remember.....for a potentially long term partner who "loves me for who I really am." At first glance this may seem unrealistic. Okay, here on the blogs we treat each other somewhat differently, but for the main part, the site sells itself as somewhere you can search for someone to have sex with. Not necessarily anything else, just the sex. I know there are acceptable and crass ways of going about this, but essentially, that is the sites unique (or nowadays not quite so unique) selling point. Of course because in theory at least, there is no judgment here, it ought to be easier to present the real you to the world. And however dark you think you may be, someone might like it. Then, maybe you can have what you really want, if you dare. I started looking at this site out of pure curiosity about ten years ago. Partly it filled a gap in my sex life, but partly, I was fascinated by the idea of women who have something of an addiction to sex, and would actively come here to search for it. I suppose in some way, I saw myself as a guy who deep down wanted to be a ruthless slutfucker, except I didn't want to be that guy, I want to be likeable, and I need to love, to commit and to keep things stable and secure. If I knew that lifestyle wouldn't work for me, might there be women who knew it wouldn't work for them either, but who wanted a man who had that inside him, but could keep it under control, who would let it out only for them, because they understood him, and they valued that darkness, as long as it didn't run riot and ruin everything? I can remember the exact words which lead me here, "Sirenity, a good girl gone bad." There was a picture of a pretty faced girl. I liked the play on words of her name, Sirenity - a cross between a dangerous siren and something gentle and serene. I suppose, knowing what I do now, she probably was not some well educated creative wordsmith with a secret desire to get properly fucked by a curious dreamer. She was probably much more likely something fictional invented to keep guys signing up. But who knows. She reminded me of a girlfriend I once had, and would like to have again. (I tried "Curious Dreamer" as a user name by the way, but the site wouldn't have it. ) But the point is what would I have done with her if she had been real? It makes me question, first, what is it I REALLY want, and then, if I was able to properly answer that question, ought I let myself have it? Because I think what I really want is best described by those lines from the song "One of these Nights" by the Eagles: "You've got your demons, you got desires, well I got a few of my own. Ooooo someone to be kind to, in between the dark and the light. I've been searching for the of the devil himself, I've been searching for an angel in white, I've been waiting for a woman who's a little of both and I can feel her but she's nowhere in sight." (Are you reading this Jo, Deme, and the other one whose name I can't remember right now.......? Do you remember? "Why can't I be both?") But the thing is, if I whenever I find someone like that, I realise this is something I ought not to allow myself to have. It's like the cake and the staying in bed. It feels good, but it isn't good for you. In my imagination, this wild but homely woman loves me so much that she only wants to be with me, and because she is so free and tame both at the same time, because she would happily let me have another lover if I wanted one, I never want one. But you can't just have this just once in a while like the other treats in life, like the cake and the staying in bed, because the desperate intensity of falling in love with this person, this ideal who gets you for who you really are, is like a drug addiction, something you can never get out of your system. I want it. But if I let myself have it, I know everything else I love about my life would fall crashing down in pieces. I know this because I did it once. I can't regret it, but I don't think I really want to do it again. It isn't that I am scared of being hurt. It isn't that I am ever scared to show my true feelings. Maybe it is more that I am aware of what I would be willing to do. Is there a safe way? Is that what we are all really looking for? And maybe the older you get, the more you realise it isn't ever going to be safe. So perhaps it takes someone absolutely amazingly perfect to make you want to take the risk. |
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If there is no risk it isn't worth it, just go for it
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Mmmm...this made me think. I joined the site to explore my sexuality....after years of being stuck in a marriage which had run its course and I did some fairly heavy exploring.  Then I found someone who understood me...and I them. Though we are not an "item" now....my exploring is over. ~~Anais Nin~~
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Hey there, It's weird, I didn't think you would be reading this, but I am glad you did, and I'm glad you liked it. I don't know if I could have written this in quite the same way if it had been an email to a friend, but because it was a blog post it came out differently. I wasn't sure exactly what I was writing about when I started - it just flowed. Although I'm not sure where you got the thought of a hermit lifestyle from - not what you think I am saying surely?! Knowing the baggage you can live with....yes, that's a good point, although perhaps you shouldn't call H a baggage. Seriously though, sometimes I wonder if my problem is living with my own baggage!
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Mmmm...this made me think. I joined the site to explore my sexuality....after years of being stuck in a marriage which had run its course and I did some fairly heavy exploring. Then I found someone who understood me...and I them. Though we are not an "item" now....my exploring is over.
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I've had a bit of fun since joining here, but I now want the LTR thing.  
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Always glad to have made someone think.......I think. How come if you are not an item any more, you don't want to go back to exploring? What changed?  ~~Anais Nin~~
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Ah yes, imperfections can be very attractive can't they? I like the sound of your inner peace and confidence. That is attractive too.
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Simple....my health changed.
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I've had a bit of fun since joining here, but I now want the LTR thing.
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Anyone on the agenda? The site's not what it used to be, so I guess............. I'm just here to blog., and keep up with the friends I've met on here.
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What a difference a day makes...from not having anything to write to...pow...this! When I joined the site, I absolutely didn't want anything except to have some long overdue fun. And I did for a couple of years until having what I wanted in the moment became old and somewhat painfully empty. Having what I wanted in the moment kept me from having what I desired more deeply. I still don't have what I desire these days, and the fun has dwindled to rare occasion due to circumstance. But I can't give up on the Hope that I will someday find a nice happy medium of what I desire in more of a long term thing from who has become my moment of satisfaction. (Goodness I hope that made sense.)
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Not for a very long time. Haven't even bothered to change my profile back from just here to blog, to looking. The site's not what it used to be, so I guess............. I'm just here to blog., and keep up with the friends I've met on here. I think the site works the same if you throw yourself into searching blogs or contacting profiles or whatever you are into with the addictive zeal which most people feel when they first find the site. But then that wears off and we all settle into whatever suits us easily, and that's when we start thinking things have changed. It isn't things....it's us!
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What a difference a day makes...from not having anything to write to...pow...this! When I joined the site, I absolutely didn't want anything except to have some long overdue fun. And I did for a couple of years until having what I wanted in the moment became old and somewhat painfully empty. Having what I wanted in the moment kept me from having what I desired more deeply. I still don't have what I desire these days, and the fun has dwindled to rare occasion due to circumstance. But I can't give up on the Hope that I will someday find a nice happy medium of what I desire in more of a long term thing from who has become my moment of satisfaction. (Goodness I hope that made sense.)
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I looooove this post! I don't remember how I ended up here, but when I found the blogs, about a year after I found Mr. Thursday, it felt like being home in a way. So many like minded people.. especially You. So staying here even with all the crap in my head about Mr. Moonlight, it was people like you that I needed most. and I never said Thank You. Thank You, Dreemy... from the bottom to the tip of my Heart  Respond to every call that excites Your Spirit ~Rumi  ..
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I looooove this post! I don't remember how I ended up here, but when I found the blogs, about a year after I found Mr. Thursday, it felt like being home in a way. So many like minded people.. especially You. So staying here even with all the crap in my head about Mr. Moonlight, it was people like you that I needed most. and I never said Thank You. Thank You, Dreemy... from the bottom to the tip of my Heart
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I spent a very long time putting up a brave front and denying what was really going on in my head. And in my world. I became active here a few years ago when I was interested in learning the unfiltered version of how people really see me, and paying attention to how that made me feel. Since then, it's been a series of experiments - asking the universe for different stuff, seeing how I feel when I get it, and perhaps changing what I want as a result. This isn't easy. I often feel like the act of chasing my emotions, as read through body responses and other mysterious clues, is like chasing a Ouija board. But I try, and over the past 3.5 years, I've redefined my sense of purpose, I've both strengthened and redefined my relationship at home, I've had two beautiful children, and I've tried to learn how to live and love; all starting from what felt like nothing. My exposure to Senior Sizzle has run in parallel to all of this. Sometimes it's an outlet where I can try out new personae; posting photos and blog posts where the stakes are low. Once in awhile, I have positive experiences and connections, but - good or bad - all experiences and connections make me notice how I feel so that I can figure out what is/isn't working. It's all a work in progress. But I'm finding that the more I try to define what I want, the less opportunity I have to experience what I'm actually getting.
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I spent a very long time putting up a brave front and denying what was really going on in my head. And in my world. I became active here a few years ago when I was interested in learning the unfiltered version of how people really see me, and paying attention to how that made me feel. Since then, it's been a series of experiments - asking the universe for different stuff, seeing how I feel when I get it, and perhaps changing what I want as a result. This isn't easy. I often feel like the act of chasing my emotions, as read through body responses and other mysterious clues, is like chasing a Ouija board. But I try, and over the past 3.5 years, I've redefined my sense of purpose, I've both strengthened and redefined my relationship at home, I've had two beautiful children, and I've tried to learn how to live and love; all starting from what felt like nothing. My exposure to Senior Sizzle has run in parallel to all of this. Sometimes it's an outlet where I can try out new personae; posting photos and blog posts where the stakes are low. Once in awhile, I have positive experiences and connections, but - good or bad - all experiences and connections make me notice how I feel so that I can figure out what is/isn't working. It's all a work in progress. But I'm finding that the more I try to define what I want, the less opportunity I have to experience what I'm actually getting. That is so true. But "redefining my sense of purpose, strengthening and redefining relationship at home....." Well if you have managed to do those things, that's a massive success. I think I am stuck with my existing sense of purpose, if I have one, lol.
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