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If By comparison with people who are broken hearted, out of work, hungry, bullied by work colleagues, stuck in a gang ruled neighbourhood, scraping a living from a rubbish dump on the outskirts of Delhi or trying to escape from some war torn country under an oppressive regime in the middle east I have had a pretty good day. By comparison with my easy happy usual life it has been miserable. I have been feeling a bit down for a few days and I'm not sure why. Then this morning I woke from a nightmare in which some guy was trying to kill me and I was hacking at his head with a machete but he wouldn't die. I have no idea where that came from - I haven't had any nightmares for ages, mostly only dreams about women who love me, which is usually quite nice, lol. Then I was clearing out a draw and found a letter from the girl who I have always called "Liz" here, who was my girlfriend from when I was sixteen until I was nineteen, and on and off for a few years after. I made the mistake of reading it. It had been written about three years after we broke up, and I don't remember reading it then although I know I must have. I don't think I can have fully understood what she was saying though, when I first read it, because if I had, I definitely would remember. But it was subtle, it wasn't spelled out. What I hadn't noticed before was how it was full of doubt in the future about her own life, and full of certainty about me. It was full of love, understanding of the things which were important to me, and contained a message which I should have noticed, but either didn't notice or didn't want to hear. It said, in a round about way, when I have finished studies and get settled into a regular life, I think I still want you and me to be together. But I didn't notice. I have looked at photographs of me back then, and I don't like the man in the picture. And I got worse. It would have been good for me to have stayed with her I think.....but it didn't happen. And now, as I have mentioned before, she is a pretty well known person, has done some amazing things, and is at the very top of her career. I am so happy for her. But it makes me sad that we are not in touch, and for a whole lot of reasons I don't think we can be. Obviously we could be, but there are lots of reason why I shouldn't get in touch with her, and I don't think I am going to. I didn't realise all this was going round in my head. Then, without knowing what it was about, I idly watched a film on TV which turned out to be one of those second chances movies, a bit like the plot of "It's a wonderful life," or "A Christmas Carol," when someone gets to find out how different life would have been if they had made different choices. I shouldn't watch those films, because for a long time now I have felt like I am stuck in one, but nobody ever gives me my second chance at having the life I should have had. If I knew what it ought to be I could try to make it happen, but of course real life isn't like that - I have had my chances, made my decisions, and I have the life that I have made for myself. That's what happens, and wondering what if, as I said to someone else yesterday, never does you any good. But it reminds me why I come here. I come here because always here there is someone who instinctively understands this part of me. Liz understood it, even though it hadn't even happened yet. The Lioness understood it. Rose did, and The Girl Who Read Everything........they get it. They are not here to get it anymore. But someone will be. Maybe Violette will get it. Wildfire gets it. And I get to think about her legs too, which is a bonus. Maybe someone else will get it. If you don't, don't worry - I don't totally get it myself, and anyway, tomorrow I will be okay. In fact you know what? Writing this, I am already okay. Or okay ish. Thanks for listening. Tomorrow I will pack up my bags and go away for Christmas and forget about that other life I never had for a while, and hopefully I will remember to make the most of this fantastic one I have got instead. I might even leave you guys some Christmas Messages. |
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Thanks Annette, I am sure I will. You too.
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Hi Dreamer....there may be a million reasons why you shouldn't contact her....but there is one very good reason why you should....you still care. Contact her....wish her Happy New Year and ask her how she is....give yourself a chance. Merry Christmas....  ~~Anais Nin~~
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I've had a few what if moments, but as you said, it doesn't do you any good. I think in your heart you'll know if you should contact her or not. Hope you do have a wonderful Christmas. 
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Hi Dreamer....there may be a million reasons why you shouldn't contact her....but there is one very good reason why you should....you still care. Contact her....wish her Happy New Year and ask her how she is....give yourself a chance. Merry Christmas....
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I've had a few what if moments, but as you said, it doesn't do you any good. I think in your heart you'll know if you should contact her or not. Hope you do have a wonderful Christmas.
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I think opening my heart is what I use my blog for, and thank you very much for appreciating that. I also occasionally do also use my blog to open my heat, but I don't think that is what you meant! (That's just a playful tease about what is obviously a simple typo, because I actually really appreciate you writing in English, as I have no Spanish at all. )
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Lol, glad you understood about the dream zombie! You could have a point about Adele - I don't know if I was listening to "Hello" but it has been played on the radio a lot so I could have been! And you are so right about the shadow cast by the fence.
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I like that - it's an interesting way of looking at it. Learning from past mistakes, even if you don't know whether it was a mistake or not!
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