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A Mariah Carey Christmas
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A Mariah Carey Christmas A while back I mentioned that Guinness had declared Mariah Carey to be the Songbird Supreme . Y'all acted like that was no big deal . You brought this on yourselves . The Songbird Supreme came out with an album called E=MC2 in 2008 . She claims it stands for (E) Emancipation (=) equals (MC) Mariah Carey to the second power . For purposes of this discussion it is assumed she meant to call it E=(MC) squared , since squaring just the Carey part would be silly . Without knowing the quantitative value of Mariah Carey (Q) we cannot know what her bringing herself to the second power accomplished . Did it increase her , decrease her , or have no change ? The question has now become a vital key to understanding the consequences of her changed Q-value and navigating past the resulting singularity . The most likely hypothesized outcome is that there was no change in her value due to Q-values of 1 or 0 . 1 is thought to be a likely Q-value due to Mariah Carey being , based on all known evidence, a single person . The result Q=0 is supported by two arguments , one , put forward by the irrelevantist school is that assigning numeric values to human beings is irrelevant and/or stupid so 0 is the only coherent solution . The othe r, favored by the Mariah Sucks school , is that Q=0 on the grounds that she has 0 talent . While Q values of 1 and 0 are interchangeable here , they become distinct if Mariah Carey is able to perform some other function on herself such as multiplication or a logarithm where the distinction is non-trivial . 0<Q<1 is in many ways the least frightening Q-value as it leads to a contraction of Mariah Carey . Sadly , hypotheses for this outcome are sketchy at best . The best being that Mariah Carey's career , especially its amazing ability to rebound from such debacles as Glitter , imply she has made some sort of deal with a satanic power or possibly a member of the House of The 1000 Year Night for a portion of her soul , thus lowering her Q-value . Most who deal with this problem think this is patently ridiculous and it is most strongly opposed by those in the Dualist school . Q>1 is the most frightening of all solutions as it implies that Mariah Carey has increased her Q-value and those unknown consequences (known as the Mariah Carey Singularity) are completely unpredictable . The main hypotheses for this solution are as follows . The Talent school suggest that because Mariah Carey is so awesome , she must have a Q-value higher than those of regular people . This presupposes that people normally have a Q-value of 1 , but this is not necessary , as the next hypothesis shows . Supporters of this hypothesis in general fervently oppose the Mariah Sucks camp . The Fanboy school has a similar argument but based on hotness instead of talent . Supporters of this hypothesis in general watch her music videos over and over , so don't have time to oppose anyone . The Dualist school believe all people have Q-values greater than 1 due to the human soul having its own additional Q-value . Generally assumed to be equal to the personal Q-value leading to an aggregated Q-value (AQ-value) of 2 , though AQ-values of 3 or greater are not ruled out . The Autoquantizing school believe that one's Q-value is directly related to what one thinks their own Q-value should be , thus those with high self- worth would have higher Q-values than those who don't . The Celebrity Corollary states that Mariah Carey , as a famous person would thus have a higher than average Q-value , which presumably would lead to the solution Q>1 . The Fictionalist school believes that Q-values are made up values and thus Q=bi . What a transition from a complex number to a negative number means is best left up to other mathematicians , philosophers , or FanGirls and is not germane to this discussion . The Economist train of thought sets the value of MC according to her net worth , around 250 million . If we square her value, we learn that emancipation's value is set at $262,500,000,000,000,000 . What exactly a square-dollar actually might be is still up to debate . While there is some validity behind this system , there are quirks to using it . First of all , the system would mean that everyone's value was a constantly changing variable , and thus any attempts to put a value on Mariah are immediately discredited . Secondly , it defines that all people's values are defined by money , which means that Mariah Carey's value is significantly higher than anyone else's , which isn't necessarily true . Thirdly , if the value of emancipation is equal to Mariah Carey's net worth squared, adjusted for inflation , emancipating the slaves in 1863 would have cost around $3,628,700,543,322,582.00 at the time, and with the currency at the time being backed by the gold standard , adjusted for the price of gold of the time , it would have taken about 7,509,727,945,618 pounds of gold to emancipate the slaves . If we put stock in this view , one must wonder how Lincoln managed to pay to emancipate the slaves . Although it can also be argued that since Mariah Carey did not exist in 1863 she also did not have a net worth . This would mean that emancipating the slaves should have been free . Since history books everywhere tell us this is not the case this leads to a few interpretations . Firstly , instead of an ever-changing variable , her net worth should be chosen from a specific point in time ; which point is not known . Secondly , there were other factors in play during the civil war , which would imply that E=MC^2 is a simplification of another more complex equation . Lastly , it could mean some kind of cover-up by the House of The 1000 Year Night . Of course , this all implies that for the purposes of dimensional analysis and natural units, $1=1 at both the present time and the Civil War era ; if this is different or changing , even the simple E=MC2 becomes much more complicated due to the effects of special relativity and time dilation . The very small Negativist school hypothesizes that the Q-value must be negative , because pop culture has such a negative effect . That would suggest that squaring it would make it become positive , thus -1<Q<0 has the same net effect as 0<Q<1; Q<-1, 1<Q . The even smaller Elvis Costello school shares this belief , but for the reason that they believe everything to be "Less than Zero" (Costello 1977) Finally the Strangist school believe that due to the weird behavior of Mariah Carey , the Q-value must be irrational . This school does not actually have a particular position on what it is per se , just that it must be irrational . Strangist Dualists tend to favor a value of root 2 or root 3 , Fictionalist Strangists tend to advocate ei , while Strangist Fanboys tend to advocate "THE ROOT OF A GOOGELPLEX +1" which is strange not because of the value itself , but both because Googol is misspelled and because the square root of a googolplex , plus one or no , is rationa l. "THE ROOT OF IN PARENTHESES A GOOGELPLEX +1" however , is perfectly irrational . Of course, some people say simply that the amount of letters in her name (squared) is the answer . It is possible that squaring only the C is correct , if she secretly married someone else named Carey and became Mariah Carey-Carey . If that is the case , then the rest of this article is meaningless mathematical gibberish . However, the equation becomes E=M(C2)? E=MC^2 in turn means Emancipation= Mariah Carey CArey CaRey CarEy CareY (that's just representative , since you can't properly write in acrostic here) . Unless it's like squaring a fraction, where the MC is to be taken as two parts of a whole . . . lets just burn the album covers and rewrite all the labels . It would be easier and less mentally torturous . In Matlab syntax and probably in a whole bunch of other mathematical software , any string of letters and certain other characters counts as a single variable . If you type "mc^2" in Matlab , they will assume you mean exactly what Mariah Carey intended : mc to the second power . Unless you write it out properly , since MC is a shorthand notation of (M×C) . This of course raises the question - is Mariah Carey equal to the multiplication of her two names ? To solve this problem, the value of E (Emancipation) must first be analyzed . Wikipedia defines emancipation as "a term used to describe various efforts to obtain equality" Which means that emancipation is not so much a number , as it is an operation . There are two fairly simple operations which will always produce the same result regardless of the input value: x*0 and x^0 . To begin, let's assume that E=(x*0), then E=0 and so either (MC)^2=0 or M(C^2)=0 1 2 3 Next , let's assume that E=(x^0), then E=1 , meaning either (MC)^2=1 or M(C^2)=1 . In the first case , that means that MC=1 . However , since E=1 for all x, that means that (Mariah Carey)=(Anything Else). This supports a very Egalitarian point of view . The first case could also mean that MC=-1 . Would that make her a Nobody or just evil ? If the latter , this leads to the theory that a person can be either entirely good or entirely evil . In the second case, that means that M(C^2)=1 , therefore , Mariah=1/(Carey^2) suggesting she is the inverse of her family raised to the second power . What exactly this means is open to interpretation . Since emancipation was proclaimed true on Jan 1, 1863 , we can apply Boolean logic to get MC^2 == true != 0 . Thus, E == (MC)^2 != 0 . But since the entire world exists inside Instrumentality, we know that Mariah Carey is imaginary . So (MC)^2 < 0 , which means that we have negative emancipation . Is this bad or good ? Must Mariah Carey exist for us to have an egalitarian society ? Truly a disturbing philosophical question . Previous investigations have limited themselves to the case of MC being a real or complex number : however empirical examinations suggest that MC (like most pop stars) is not nearly as real or complex as often thought , and may in fact be simple . There is abundant evidence that MC is a member of the Tits group . A subgroup , some would say cult , of the Mariah Sucks school calling themselves "Physicists" refuse to accept that Mariah came up with the formula E=MC2 . Their hatred and loathing runs so deep that they have instigated a worldwide conspiracy to hide the truth , a conspiracy that reaches deep into our society and to the highest echelons of power . The Physicists proclaim that E=MC2 was not the product of Mariah's deep intellectual insight but was instead developed by their leader , Albert Einstein , allegedly deceased . Their frankly preposterous view is that in the formula E represents energy, M represents mass and C represents the speed of light . Simple inspection of this view reveals how preposterous it is , only the truly mental would use C for the speed of light , as any sane person would obviously use L . Unfortunately the Physicists have been phenomenally successful in spreading their lies . However , they have created a momentous problem for themselves . Since so many now believe in the Physicists' twisted version of the formula the Physicists are now required to prove their deluded rantings are true . As this would require demonstrating some form of Mass - Energy equivalency it is clearly impossible . The Physicists' desire to prove their version of the formula to be true has resulted in them developing ever more monstrous machines in their drive to square the circle . The latest risks ripping holes in the very fabric of space and time and spewing forth the demons of hell onto the Franco-Swiss border . The Physicists try to gloss over these risks and claim that even if it did occur the French military is fully up to the job of handling the situation , which is absurd in its own right . With each passing generation the Physicists' lies become more and more ingrained . A few of us continue to preserve the true meaning of The Formula and seek out the value of Q . Our numbers continue to dwindle . Some have said that only the discovery of Q is capable of demonstrating to the masses the wool the Physicists have pulled over their eyes and freeing them from the tyranny . They state that this is the true Emancipation that Mariah foresaw . A radical new approach is to separate the "squared" from the equation . It's an album and therefore comes in a squared case . Then , realize that , counting the space between her first name and surname , there are twelve characters . There are twelve characters in emancipation , as well . Hence we have solved the cipher . A little simple algebraic manipulation reveals the truth - namely that the root of emancipation is , in fact , Mariah Carey . Its current formulation is to rule out the possibility of negative Mariah Carey being the root of emancipation . This could mean that Abraham Lincoln is Mariah Carey . This research is still ongoing and any who have additional new information about Mariah Carey or relating to general human Q-value knowledge are encouraged to post it here . Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
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Another question - do you think Madonna is still waiting for us to Justify her love ? Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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All I can say is wow
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Sorry, I totally skimmed this one...  
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i believe i subscribe to the...fqu system..quantitatively and qualitatively..and i think madonna has already received her justifications..they are called..ta-dum..royalty checks.. woop woop
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