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40deuce Paranormal Investigator
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40deuce Paranormal Investigator Football season is upon us once more . I am what's known as a "casual" fan in the sense that I am only interested in the games whereupon I have laid down massive wagers . If the Browns score 6 safetys in their game I am going to be swimming in cash guys . But there are some people who don't like sports atall . Which is fine . But there are some people that don't even comprehend why anyone would like sports . Which isn't fine because it's very simple . You see people spend their days at jobs they hate , go home to family they resent and their only relief is the promise of the weekend where they can get together with their friends , numb themselves with enough vodka to kill a and watch an athlete do the physically impossible or horribly injure themselves in the attempt . Who can't understand that ? You know what the least realistic thing is about horror movies ? That for the first hour everyone refuses to believe that something supernatural is going on . People are not that skeptical . In real life is someone see something red running down their wall they immediately run out of the house screaming because they think it's blood - only in movies to people say "oh , it's just a rusty pipe leaking" . I would like a horror movie that skips the traditional "everyone tries to convince the protagonist they're boyfriend is not the antichrist" and has a plot where everyone is onboard right away . People WANT to believe in this shit you know ? The point is before you call me to investigate your she-shed that you think is the portal to Hades keep a few things in mind . Here's a fun fact about hallucinations - they can be either visual or auditory but not both . People can hear voices , they can see things that aren't "really" there , but not at the same time . If a clown with a shark-head came up to you and said that it was going to eat your uterus in 8 days that was not a hallucination because you both saw and heard it and that doesn't happen . If you think you've been abducted by aliens it's almost always a case of sleep paralysis - which is often accompanied by a form of wakeful dreaming in which it is common to feel like someone is intruding on you . You know the "grey" aliens that people often describe ? That didn't start happening until after a 1964 episode of the Outer Limits aired that featured aliens that looked like that . And anal probes ? People didn't start "experiencing" that until colonoscopies became common . Aliens that visit you in the night are usually your anxieties making themselves manifest . But if you ARE legitimately being harassed by aliens don't call me anyway because I deal with the supernatural not extraterrestrial . Sorry . After the movie Paranormal Activity came out tons of people started saying they had stuff moving in their house by itself . People are very worried by this . It's no big deal though . Angry spirits are not any more of a problem that having a rambunctious cat - sometimes a glass gets knocked over . Deal with it . If you don't have a cat get one , then you can blame the cat . They don't mind . As you all know I have a ghost in my attic - and I know it's a ghost because it is not a shadowy spirit . Why would a ghost be translucent ? Smoke and fog look like that because they're particles suspended in the air . Do you think a soul is tiny physical particles ? Think about a hologram - is has to be projected onto something to be seen . Is that what you think a ghost is ? Ghosts just look like people - you've probably seen tons of them walking around without even realizing it . You know what the kicker is ? Most ghosts don't even realize that they're ghosts . Dying is a confusing experiencing - a lot of them don't have any clue what's happened . The one way you can tell is that you can't take a picture of a ghost , because you don't see them your eyes you know ? If you're visited by a creature that's telling you a prophecy there's an easy way to tell if it's legit - ask it a question that you don't know the answer to but can be verified later . People always make the mistake of asking about things only they know - but if this is a manifestation of your brain it knows what you know savvy ? Ask it something like "how many safetys will the Browns score this weekend ?" and then you know what the deal is . But here's the other piece - use your own judgement . People seem to think if someone displays knowledge of the future they should listen to them . Why ? You think people in the future aren't assholes ? There are people right now that if they could travel through time would try to help the Confederacy win the civil war , should old timey people listen to them ? No . So if someone asks you to kidnap , strangle and dismember Scarlet Johansen otherwise the wrong dude will become president in 4379 ask yourself - why would I care about that ? Now let's talk about monsters . If you always heard that grandpa died by falling into a grain elevator and you find out instead that he was smothered by a snake-beast from the 8th dimension does it really make a difference ? Dead is dead right ? What's the use of pulling on that thread ? If there are snake-beasts from the 8th dimension why would you want them to know about you ? Let sleeping snake-beasts lie you know ? Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
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If you ever seen a thing that looks like the smoke monster from Lost congratulations you've seen a real cosmic horror , also you're totally screwed . Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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What about dreams where you think there's a window peeper looking in on you and you're trying to yell at them to go away? (but of course nothing is coming out but hoarse little squeaks) Asking for a friend.   
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