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10th Anniversary Spectacular !
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10th Anniversary Spectacular ! On or about this day 10 years ago your friend and mine Smartasswoman posted her now seminal work I Can't Believe . Blogland was changed forever on that day . To honor of this legendary piece of work I humbly present my homage - I Can't Believe Part 2 So there I was pounding away on my Silicon Wives Luxury Sex Doll ‘Curvy MILF Vivian’ Model with optional Titanium skeleton and the 3-year warranty and things weren’t going well you know ? I had even turned on my boombox with “Sex Noises Vol 3” queued up to track #8 but “it” wasn’t happening you know ? But then her head fell off and “it” really started happening you know ? Don’t worry I’ll talk with my therapist Dr. Waxler about that . I’m sure it’s fine . It was at this moment I was knocked on my ass by a blinding beam of purple-pink light that hit me like a junior manager at Aldi tackling an old Tunisian lady shoplifting crab legs . After a moment of discombobulation I noticed a tall slender being with pale blue skin standing across the room holding what appeared to be a Microsoft Surface and a Livescribe 3 Smartpen . Dusting off my still erect cock I asked “Are you that guy Sialis who travels the universe perving on the sexual practices of humans under the guise of science ?” It’s hard to read the emotions of aliens but he seemed taken aback “Yes , I mean no , my name is Sialis of the AdLibitem people and I do legitimate scientific research into the sexual biologics of all sentient races throughout the universe . How did you know that ?” “Word got around , you should really erase your subject’s memories if you want to keep that kind of thing under wraps . Encounters with aliens are a big deal around here , especially if there’s banging involved ? I said as I got to my feet . “Bang . . . ing ?” “Don’t worry about it , so what are you doing here ? I thought you figured out the whole human sex thing a decade ago . What with the glowing wang and all .” He seemed aghast “You heard about that ?” “Yeah I did , we all did , that reaction seems kind of prudish for a dude that travels the galaxy humping alien women .” He drew himself up straight “Sir , I assure you that I do NOT – “ I gestured impatiently “Yeah , yeah , whatever poindexter , cut to the chase will you ? I have a lot on my plate . I mean these things aren’t easy to clean you know , you have to get the scrub brush WAAAAY up in there you know ? I mean WAAAAAAAAY up in there . And then you have to hang them upside down to dry out , it’s a whole production .” “Hmm , I was unaware that human males cleaned the female afterwards . Your companion . . . . she doesn’t seem very lively does she ?” I rolled my eyes “Clearly you didn’t learn as much about humans as I thought , she’s just tired okay ? What do you want man , I got work in the work , get to it .” “We need your help one called 40Deuce . The reason for our research is that we needed to determine who the galaxy’s greatest lover is . It’s taken us decades but we’ve finally determined that humans are the best at sex and that you are the best amongst your species .” I nodded “That checks out . So what do you need me to do ? Is your race going extinct because your men are all lame and they can’t get it up anymore and you need me to impregnate all your women ?” He almost dropped his Microsoft Surface looking thing in shock “Certainly not sir ! Our species as well as many others faces a grave threat to our very existence . You see –“ I reached for Vivian “Pass .” Sialis stopped in the midst of his explanation “Did you just say pass ?” “Yeah I did bub , I’m not interested in a grave threat to your race or any other race – unless it’s humans and even then it’s like 50-50 . I got my own problems . So you know , you can go ahead and bugger off .” He stood speechless for a moment , his a turquoise/aqua color like the Caribbean sea eyes clouded with confusion “I don’t understand , the fate of the universe hangs in the balance ! The Peculiarity , a sentient supermassive black hole at the heart of the Crab Nebula is destroying –“ I shrugged “What’s in it for me ?” His eyes darkened and his fingertips glowed a pulsated an angry green color “You mean you expect a reward for saving the lives of trillions of sentient beings ?” “I thought you were an expert in humans , why is this such a surprise to you ?” He gestured angrily with his Smartpen looking thing “I only studied human sexuality !” “And THAT didn’t tell you that humans are selfish assholes ?” “Well I only studied women .” I nodded “That explains it . Also , not for nothing , but that’s not very good sampling for research purposes you know ? Alright tell me what you need and we can figure out my fee later . If you don’t want me to bust a nut in your queen or whatever what do you want ? Also I totally know all about the left armpit so if the queen thing is still on the table . . . ” He seemed cross “It isn’t , also we don’t have a queen , we have a highly advanced form of government where –“ “Yeah , yeah , yeah , get on with it .” “According to a Dr. Trillian Slartibartfast of the Galactic Confederation the only way to defeat the Peculiarity is with the Universal Anti-Null Ray on Planet Ichnaarh in the Andromeda Galaxy , which is controlled by the the small gelatinous blobs from Planet Kepler 10-b . Due to their ancient religion they will only allow use of the Ray to those who can defeat the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal in a sex contest .” I nodded sagely “Yes I see and since I’m the greatest sex machine in the galaxy –“ Quickly he interrupted “Oh no , sex machines are strictly against the rules per the Lamentations of Bhaohbhabd in their most holy text of Xenophareope .” “It’s a figure of speech , since I am the greatest in the galaxy at sex –“ He cocked his head slightly “Well actually there’s a dolphin who’s better but he already said no .” “Hey Dr. Blueblood around these parts interrupting someone is considered to be very rude . Bottom line is you need me to out-sex this Bugbeast thing and save the universe .” “Essentially .” “And for saving your dumb race from this sentient black hole , which sounds awesome as a sidenote , I get . . .” He punched a few buttons on his Microsoft Surface looking thing and then said “How about front row tickets to the Ursa Minor Dwarf Galaxy Wrestling Federation 11-dimensional hyper-squared championship match of Max Moon against Gorshnact of Praal .” “Make those VIP tickets and I’m in .” “You do realize that upon you’re return to earth you’ll have to be hospitalized for extreme dehydration and exhaustion due to time dilation of traveling 20-billion-light-years .” I put my arm around him “Buddy you had me ‘hello’ ,” “I never said hello .” I put my fingers to his lips “You didn’t need to .” He batted them away “So are you going to put on some pants so we can go save the galaxy ?” I smiled “Pants ? Where we’re going we don’t need pants !” At that point he sighed and said something under his breath in his alien language and we were off to save the entire galaxy with my superior skills at making the sex !  Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
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The real question is how a sex doll , realistic as it may be , qualifies as a MILF ? The very idea is mind-boggling . Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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What??! We don't get to read about the sex battle between you and the Peculiarity? I want a refund! Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation bangs on the door forever!
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It is quite surreal to have my masterwork updated and expanded in patented 40Deuce style. Surreal and enjoyable. I rate this four  's.  
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Dolphins ARE very intelligent ... Amusing,, thanks 
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well bless your heart. You cannot conceive the many without the one.
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