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No spend January
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No spend January The uber-trendy lady at work was telling everyone today that we all need to 'challenge ourselves" with this new fad of not spending any money in January . At first I was excited because I wanted to see how all these sheeple were going to survive 30 days without spending any money but as per usual the whole thing is a filthy LIE . You can spend money on food and gas and rent and stuff you're just not supposed to "waste" money . Boo . Not spending money for a month is supposed to catapult you into financial security and make you a better person and blah , blah , blah yak , yak , yak . I actually do agree with what this is trying to accomplish but as you all know I am the kind of jerk who hates anything that's in vogue . As opposed to the kind of jerk that's loves anything that's in vogue . Because as you know the jerk doesn't fall far from the jerktree . Hmm the jerktree sounds like a sexual thing . The kind of sexual thing I don't want to know what it is . Although it's probably just a bunch of dudes jerking each other off in the shape of a Christmas tree . Anyway since this trend is dumb I am going to do something fantastic and awesome to blow it out of the water and get everyone to be my friend on social media . I am going to spend ALL my money in January . And I mean all of it , I'm going to liquidate everything I own and then spend that massive fortune all in one month . "Wasting" it if you will . And that's just phase one ! I will then live AT MY CURRENT STANDARD OF LIVING until 2020 without spending a single penny . That is two solid years people (minus one month) where I will not give anyone a single red cent . And yet I will want for nothing . Well nothing that I don't already want for you see ? How will I do it ? Follow me on Trendysnap to find out ! Hourly updates ! BTW these no spend January people are in for a world of hurt . Because , as we all know . . . There's the television . It's all right there - all right there . Look , listen , kneel , pray . Commercials ! We're not productive anymore . We don't make things anymore . It's all automated . What are we for then ? We're consumers . Yeah . Okay , okay . Buy a lot of stuff , you're a good citizen . But if you don't buy a lot of stuff , if you don't , what are you then , I ask you ? What ? Mentally ill . Fact , Jim , fact - if you don't buy things : toilet paper , new cars , computerized yo-yos , electrically-operated sexual devices , stereo systems with brain-implanted headphones , screwdrivers with miniature built-in radar devices , voice-activated computers . . .  Speaking of I figured out why I couldn't upgrade a while ago - Senior Sizzle no longer takes paypal , they want your CC number . Yeah right like I'm going to trust these bozos . They do have a pretty nice scam where you can trade in gift cards for days of gold membership - at like 30 cents on the dollar . But I guess if your granny gives you a dumb gift card to the cheesecake factory and you want to use it to whine about how the 4 actual women on here aren't blowing you on command might as well right ? Quick wrestling note , neck injuries are becoming an epidemic in these modern times so here's the<b> skinny </font></b>- when you become a wrestler (and you probably will) DO NOT agree to any spot where you get hit in the back of the neck . If you can't see it coming you can't react property if they're coming in heavy . Dropkick to the face ? Thumbs up . Dropkick to the back of the head ? No thank you sir . I found out today that if our society seems more nihilistic than that of previous eras , this is simply a sign of our maturity as a sentient species . As our collective consciousness expands beyond a crucial point , we are at last ready to accept life's fundamental truth : that life's only purpose is life itself . And now some practical advice . The key to creating a corporate fad on which you can cash in is to state the blindingly obvious in an appealing way . The end . Corporate fad s, like Six Sigma or Agile Processing , are like viruses - invisible and intangible things , and then before you can say "to more with less" WHAM , everyone is infected . And the result is very similar to an actual flu : for a while you won't shut up about it and then you get nauseous and everything you do is crap . These things are developed by (dirty liberal) academics who have nothing to do all day but think of topics for research papers . This is what you'd do , too , if you were an academic and not allowed to sleep with students . Some fad developers have become so famous that they need never work again , which is pretty handy since they don't actually know how to do anything . Here's how to create your own corporate management fad : Step one . Come up with a slick name , like "metamanagment" . Admit it , that sounds so awesome you already want to go out and hire a whole bunch of consultants . According to the US Central Business Research Bureau , a good name is primarily responsible for just over half of all successful product launches . I just made that up , but see how plausible it sounded coming out of something called the ‘US Central Business Research Bureau' ? BAM ! Some people (aka morons) think the theory should come before the name , but this is classic old person thinking . These are the suckers who believe customers buy the technically best product - as if ! The only way to deal with these idiots is to ignore everything they say while thinking about how much more money you make than them . Step two . There is no step two . You'd know that if you were paying attention from before . Once you've got the cool name , the theory underneath is largely irrelevant : just take something everyone knows to be true and paraphrase it ; Metamanging : gaining customer loyalty by satisfying key consumer needs . It's not like this is hard ; they're all just : "Do stuff better" . If you get stuck , just talk about replacing things with other things ; One key to metamanagin is replacing customers with . If you've done your job right soon companies will have a Metamanagement Taskforce , a VP of Metamanaging and a special section in the annual report on the company's Metamanging initiatives. Of course , by then , you'll be earning $5700 an hour to speak to halls full of executives , have your name prefaced with "guru" and never have to do anything accountable ever again . And that's the secret of Metamanagment ! Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
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Now that jerktree has been established as a thing I want to work on "the asstree of woe" Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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I guess I already blew it on No Spend January, I ordered a new vacuum cleaner the other day. Your description of management fads is so spot-on that it's scary. Add that to the list of things I DON'T miss in retirement.   
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