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Godot's Delivery Service
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Godot's Delivery Service It's spring clean-up week next week which I hate because junk people block the roads with their fatass truckmobiles while they molest piles of garbage looking for treasures but I love because it's a chance to watch couples disintegrate right before your eyes . Ikea may be where relationships go to die , but trying to carry out a mattress together is where they suffer the ultimately fatal wounds . "Turn left , LEFT god damn it ! Is that fucking left Luanne ? Your end is slipping ! Fucking left ! Watch the god damn step ! Luanne ! LUANNE ! What the fuck ? Do you know what left is ? Do you know how to FUCKING LIFT THINGS ?!?! Luanne ! I said left ! Why are you taking your gloves off ? Where are you going ? I AM NOT YELLING !!!!!!" It's funny because their love has turned to hate . In other news I've decided to quit my job and make my money by lurking at the amusement park and collecting the change that falls out of people's pockets while they're on the roller-coaster . It will be a simple life but a gross one . People often complain that I don't share anything about myself , funnily enough other people say that I share too much . This is another way in which the golden rule as ruined my life - I don't want to hear other people's dumb life stories so why would I share mine ? I shake my fist at your Sunday School Teacher ! So anyway here's some of my personal history . When I was 24 , after my business failed but before I was a corporate drone I was married for a time and I toured the country with a family band . I was on vocals , my wife Francine played the guitar , her sister Joy had a real Mama Cass<b> vibe </font></b>going on , and we were joined by her niece Betty . She wanted to be a model and she kept the boys interested in the band if you know what I mean . We played good old fashioned wholesome music that I feel like could have restored a bit of the luster that his country had lost if people had gotten behind it . Basically we were leading an adult singalong and it was all about community and feeling good and the old days when people knew right from wrong and would sing about it . So one day we got in the old van that we toured in to head down to a gig in Higginsville Missouri . Well we ran into just the worst traffic on I-35 and after 45 minutes of bumper to bumper nonsense my wife Francine suggested one of her famous shortcuts . Some of you know where this is going . So we turn off into a sideroad and pretty much instantly we got good and lost . This was back in the days before GPS and whatnot so when you got lost you were lost . It was a very rural area and there was really no place to ask for directions . So we're driving around and around and getting nowhere when I spy a whole world of motorcycles by the side of the road . And about 100 years into a field some young people were having a party . They were setting off amateur fireworks so I knew they were good patriotic folk getting ready for the 4th of July . So I pulled over and said to Francine "you got us into this mess lady , you go ask for directions" . I didn't see what could go wrong . Well , if any of your are married you know that the last thing you ever want to see is some long-haired shirtless fellow with a beer-bellying getting your wife in a headlock which his compatriots try to shoot her in the face with a bottle rocket . She was not down there 30 seconds when this nonsense started . They came up with this plan and executed it in no time flat ! What kind of a devious mind comes up with that so quickly ? Of course I was scandalized so I jumped out of the van and ran down there and said "get your hands off my wife !" Now I suppose these fellows had been playing softball earlier in the day because they had a dufflebag full of softballs and they invented a new game right there on the spot which was how many times can we hit 40Deuce with a softball . Quite a lot it turns out . Also softballs are not very aptly aimed , they're very hard you see . The game quickly advanced as two gentlemen grabs my arms and held them out to the side and they challenged themselves to see if they could hit me with the softballs in my genitals . And so they just wailed away on my genitals . Meanwhile poor Francine after several near misses with these bottle rockets one of them hits her square in the face . And it's just screaming and hair aflame , terrible , and in the midst of that chaos I managed to break free of my tormenters and run for the van thinking there's nothing I can do for Francine now . But the van was not where I parked it . I scanned the horizon and I saw the van spinning in tight circles in a muddy area - one of these degenerates , one of these animals was behind the wheel ! So I run over and I can hear Betty and Joy just screaming in terror as the van careens around and around . I don't get anywhere near it though before I see Joy and Betty jump out the side door into the mud , yelping in terror , followed moments late by one of these animals - after which the van sloughs into a ditch and bursts into flames . There does all of our sheet music and all of our instruments and everything . And folks it just got worse from there . Betty and Joy were given some kind of drug that only intensified their panic . We were forced to watch these animals toast marshmallows on the fiery carcass of the van and then they made some extremely irreverent smores . And then I was forced to eat something called a shit sandwich . Which is ten times more disgusting than what you're probably imagining due to reasons I won't go into . And it was at that point that one of these people got the idea that we should be made to fuck each other . And when I explained to them that we simply were not that kind of family out came the hot pokers - jabbing , jabbing , jabbing . And so yes , I was forced to fuck my sister in law and her and my wife and her own sister had to engage in some heavy petting and a make-out session . None of us will ever forget that . I don't know why any of this happened . I don't know what the point of any of it was really . I only knew what it was getting more and more creative and it showed no signs of slowing down and that there was a record executive in Higginsville waiting to hear a performance of some good old fashioned wholesome music . And so I decided to make a barter for my release . I knew it was going to have to be something that these animals would really appreciate . And so I suggested that I would burn an X into Betty's forehead and that I would cut off my wife's thumbs and feed them to Joy . And that is why I made it to the gig . I did my best but without the rest of the band , without any sheet music or instruments I never had a chance really . After that I founded a plumbing business , which was very successful but eventually my own cousin forced me out . This was a hostile takeover by my own flesh and blood . Now a lot of people in that position would have gotten into drugs , or joined a Russian roulette club or walked into a lake fully clothed - and I considered all of those things , but instead I turned adversity into opportunity and I started a brand new business . It was called Mr. Life of the Party . And what it was is you would pay me money to come to your party and make it fun . Didn't care what kind of party , a bar mitzvah , someone getting out of jail , gay wedding , I didn't care - as long as the money spent I was there . My motto was "Don't have a shitty party , hire me !" Singing , dancing , conversation , jokes , whatever - I did it all . As soon as I arrived at your I got right to it , I didn't waste any fucking time - boom , conga line right off the bat . I had to force people a dude on dude but if you berate them enough they'll do it . I was making a pretty good living as Mr. Life of the Party but I had bigger dreams . Which is why I took the bus to Hollywood . Because I have a fear of flying . And because people get sexually assaulted on trains all the time . They wait for you in the sleeper car . I had a heck of a bon voyage party at my uncle Carl's house . My dad gave me a pair of sun glasses because it's so sunny out in Tinseltown and my grandma gave me a copy of "A Star is Born" on DVD . She knew I didn't have a DVD player but she said that by Christmas I would be living in a mansion in the Hollywood Hills and I could watch it in my own personal movie theater . That bus dropped me off in the heart of Hollywood and I didn't waste a minute . I jumped in a cab and I said to the driver "Take me to the William Morris talent agency and step on it ! I've been a nobody long enough ." I march into the lobby of that famous building and I walk right up to the receptionist and I say to her "Hey , how would you like to be thanked in an Oscar acceptance speech ?" I gave her my headshot and resume . I sang to her . I chatted up that receptionist pretty good . After a little while of talking she assured me that my resume would not be passed on because I needed film and TV credits . A lot of people would have gotten down at that point but not old 40Deuce . I jumped back into the cab and I said "mister take me where they make film and TV please" . I slip 20 bucks to the audience handler of Judge Joe Brown and boom , I'm in the audience for two episodes . I hop right back in that cab , right back to William Morris and right back to that receptionist . And I say to my friend the receptionist "I just got two TV credits so fast I haven't had time to update my resume , okay of I write it in with pencil ?" She must have been part of a long hard day because she said if I didn't stop "wasting her time" she was going to call security . So I told her how much this meant to me and about Uncle Karl and the sunglasses and a star is born and how they bugger you on trains and she told me that the way I was headed I was going to end up in jail . Well at this point I did get a little down . I checked myself into a motel and I brought a couple friends with me - a can of spray paint and a paper bag . And for a while things got really funny . But just as they receptionist at the William Morris agency had foreseen I did end up in jail . Things were looking pretty bad until a kindly stranger bailed me out of jail and took me out for breakfast . And then he took me for a FREE personality test in a beautiful building . And wouldn't you know it I had a number of factors that were preventing me from moving on and becoming an operating thetan . When I asked him what an operating thetan was he told me to buy a lecture series for three thousand dollars . I said "three thousand dollars in money ? I don't have it" . And do you know he offered me a job right there on the spot ? The next day I started a new job polishing a bust of L Ron Hubbard in a beautiful building right on the walk of fame ! And all I had to do to get that job was tell him everything I had ever done that I was ashamed of . That was a hard thing to do , but it made me a better person . I confessed that one time I threw a glass bottle at a polar bear at the Omaha zoo . That I once wrote an anonymous threatening letter to my math teacher that made her pack up and leave town . That I once shot up the VFW hall to remind the old soldiers what is was like . That I once put a rattlesnake in the ballpit at Chuck-E-Cheese . That back when I was a hospital clown I tried to wake up a lady in a coma by having anal sex with her . That I once trained a stray to attack immigrants . That I once dug up a body and stuffed it with sawdust and left it on his family's porch as a warning . That my friend and I get on trains and wait in the sleeper car for people . It felt good to get that all off my chest . And the job was okay but I had to sleep on a cot in a room with 49 other dudes so I bailed . And you all know what happened after that . Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
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believe it or not this blog post was rather similar to the concert that I went to last night.  
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 Live long and prosper, some character once said.  Vive La Difference
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I've been trying different things on my blog lately ( not the last two... that's WAY different ) and I was thinking of trying to do something like yours. That's a compliment I think... I started one, but it's kinda weird and all. . Not an OK weird like yours, but a weird-weird one that might not be so acceptable to most normal type people. I guess I'll just have to keep reading yours... 
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Oh yeah... Godot's Delivery Service That some funny stuff! 
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Thats funny   Today i broke my personal record for most consecutive days alive. 
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that was like every time I took acid with people I didn't like. Vonnegut just gave you a thumbs up You cannot conceive the many without the one.
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About time you delivered ... I've been waiting! Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation bangs on the door forever!
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This is PRIME- one of your best!!! (Virtual Symposium Group) use Virtual Symposium Group
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Nope, preposterous biography.
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