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Royal Horticultural Society's Victoria Medal of Honour
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Royal Horticultural Society's Victoria Medal of Honour Thanksgiving is coming up and I recall back in the day that my grandma used to make us go around the table and say what we're thankful for and I could never come up with anything because I was an ungrateful little bastard and then she'd ask me uncomfortable questions like "Aren't you thankful for your family ?" . We don't do that anymore but I am thankful for one thing - that I live in live in a post-agrarian society where I am not dependent on my gardening skills to survive . Sometimes people ask me "40 have you ever been in love ?" and I always say "Who are you ! Get out of my house !" I was in love once back in 2002 . It was a crazy time . The Euro had just been invented , Kmart filed for bankruptcy , there was a sniper in DC , a horrible Star Wars movie came out , My Night Shymalanamana made a kind of okay movie that had a shitty ending , Michelle Branch was a thing . And I was in love . Madly in love with the funniest , sweetest girl in the world . And you shoulda seen her tits ! They were like softballs they were - and I mean the 16 inchers like they use in clincher AKA mushball AKA] cabbageball AKA blooperball . We both worked in a factory that made the tops of shampoo bottles . The problem , because there's always a problem when it comes to love , is that she didn't love me back . In fact she loved some other dude ! The nerve of some people . It was one of the few things I didn't love about her . I had this pal at the factory , James Spader (not that one) and no one knew more about matters of the heart then him so I asked his advice . "Just ask her out buddy" he said . Just ask her out . So simple and yet to incredibly complex . No wonder he was so good with the ladies . We were pulling an all-nighter trying to get a shipment out for Pert Plus when I decided to make my intentions know . I said ; "You're dreadfully pretty Sara and I'd be honored if you would lay down with me . And not in the restroom either like people do around here - I will take you out to a restaurant and you can order beefsteak that I will pay for . We will coo and whisper and smile meaningful smiles and we will reduce the whole world and all its people to our little table and the two of us . And then afterwards I will take you to my bed and we will be like swine ." She ran away . Literally , she ran . Didn't say anything , just took off like Usain Bolt - or some female runner who's name I don't know . I realized that I had made a big mistake . Sara was a liberated woman and she didn't need any man to buy her a beefsteak . She made the same salary that I did , less the 33% they take off on account of her gender . The next day I was served a restraining order that said I could not come within 100 feet or her , which made working on the line difficult - it annoyed our boss to no end . I feel into a deep depression . Then one night I walked into the Regal Beagle and I see Sara and her man kissing at a corner table . I saw red I did . I went over to another guy from the factory named Grimy Lou (no relation) he was the smartest guy I knew and a great man to boot (this was before he destroyed my life) . "Where does one go to hire a hitman ? I asked him . He laughed and asked why I needed to know "Can you keep a secret Lou ? I plan to have Dan murdered and then once he's out of the picture convince Sara to lay down with me ." As it turned out Lou was a huge blabbermouth who wound up prattling like a magpie about the entire murder plot as soon as he got the chance but I didn't know that at the time . He was beating around the bush so I said "No offense Lou but the longer it takes for me to listen to your yapping the longer it will take to have Dan murdered and that very night lay down with Sara" . He was very nervous but eventually told me that he knew a guy and told me I would meet with him the next day for lunch at Macabee's Deli . I asked him if he could change it to the Manhattan Deli which is a far superior deli but he said it was already set up . I was bitterly disappointed - if you're going to meet a hitman at a deli why would you choose Macabee's and not the Manhattan Deli ? The next day the hitman was late so I sat in the Macabee deli thinking about the delicious pastrami they had at the Manhattan deli and how I would not be eating it when a police officer comes in . I got real nervous , especially when he sat down in the booth across from me ! He asked me if I was the guy and I go "I ain't talking to no coppers !" and when he asked why I thought he was a cop I pointed out he was in uniform . After a long silence he said "I just got promoted to undercover , old habits die hard I guess" and I said "So , you're still a cop" and then after another long silence he said "I'm a dirty cop . Yes , of course I am , a dirty cop - that's what makes me such a good hitman . I have my own gun ." So we got down to business . He took out a tape recorder and we went over the whole plan . We hammered out a deal where he would murder Dan for $355 , we haggled over the price for almost an hour . This made me very mad later when I found out that he wasn't a dirty cop and the whole thing was a set-up - why couldn't he have accepted my first offer and saved us both a lot of time ? When I was arrested my first call was to Lou to see if he know a good lawyer . A month later I was in court in a ridiculous orange suit that did nothing for my eyes , found guilty by a jury of my peers about to be sentenced and wondering how it had all come to this . And maybe I was guilty but of what really ? Attempting to hire a hitman to kill a close friend of mine ? Well if they convicted everyone who was guilty of that they'd have to build a lot more prisons brother . And what I had I done anyway ? I never actually met a hitman . All I really did was eat a Cuban with a policeman . My lawyer tried to get the charges reduced to eating a Cuban with a policeman but the judge wouldn't go for it . I thought we had a pretty good defense - we pointed out that tons of people die every day , that it wasn't really a big deal . We showed the jury a picture of Sara and they agreed her tits were the bomb . We tried to get them to believe my evil twin had done it but it turned out my evil twin had an airtight alibi . Even though I was found guilty I never blamed my lawyer , he did his best , I was just too guilty . At that point I started thinking I should have taken the plea deal they offered . My lawyer was good friend with the DA and he had worked out a deal where if I pled guilty and apologized to Dan I would have had a reduced sentence of one afternoon in prison . But at the time I said I would never apologize to Dan "He's the guy I want to murder ! Why would I apologize to him ! I said . In hindsight I probably should have taken the deal . When the judge announced my sentence he asked if I had anything do say . Boy did I ! "Your Honor you have sentenced me to prison but let me say this - the real prisons are the classrooms and the cubicles . The real prisons are the mausoleums we call homes and the life sentences we are given are the jobs where we have to wear a tie that slowly strangles us and the boss who finds us full and leaves us empty . I will go to your prison , it is true . But there is something honest and true about the prison to which I go . You give up one kind of freedom yes , but you are given another kind . A roof over your head , 3 squares a day and all the women you want - I guess that's good enough for me ." "There's no women in prison " said the judge . I had clearly been misinformed . In other news at work today I went up to this broad selling chocolate chip cookies and I say "I'll take a chocolate chip cookie please" and she goes "A chocolate chip what ?" And I very much wanted to kick her in the chest because first of all she was only selling one thing , even if she didn't hear ANY of the world I said she very reasonably could have handed me a cookie . But she heard chocolate chip - what did she think was coming next ? Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
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I thought you were doing really good with the cooing and the whispering and the meaningful smiles .... and then came the swine thing. *sigh* Goats are much cuddlier. Sheep much cuter. Both much cleaner. Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation bangs on the door forever!
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Very, very good read! I would have been dripping with sarcasm and very slowly repeated "chocolate... chip... cookie... please"
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Did you fry, or opt for lethal injection?
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