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My first orgy triggers an existential crisis (as usual)
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My first orgy triggers an existential crisis (as usual) “You know Chuck , we’d be willing to do a lot of really sickening things with you two monsters but I have to tell you , this place is just not up to our very discerning swinging specifications .” Marshal Chris Monsanto (undercover) "I can't. I'm not an orgy guy . . . . . Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy ? It changes everything . I'd have to dress different . I'd have to act different . I'd have to grow a moustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting . I'd have to get new friends . I'd have to get orgy friends . . . . Naw , I'm not ready for it .” Jerry Seinfeld Suggested Listening ; “Ty Cobb” Soundgarden Suggested Cocktail ; Fog Cutter  This is a nude lady in a cowboy hat . Which has nothing to do with anything . I wish I looked good in hats . As I’ve said many , many , many times before I’m pretty boring when it comes to the sexy funtimes . Some would call me “vanilla” but those people are dumb and I hate them – boring the correct term . I’m not into judging people (but really I totally am) I just don’t want to get involved in their freaky freakerton sexfreaks . Which makes it hard since every woman every everywhere wants to get weird with it – probably because they don’t really like sex . What I do find intriguing though is how often people assume the bizarre stuff they like is normal . It’s not , you’re a weirdo . And all your friends are weirdoes too . Anyway , the other day my gal pal was regaling me with a tale of some grongy fiveway bondage sexspectular she was involved with back in the day which was a segue from some boring story about a friend of hers buying a ping pong table (or something I wasn’t really listening) and she ended the soliloquy by saying “He invited me to a sex party on Tuesday” . “We should go” I said wondering what the difference was between an orgy and a “sex party” . She was utterly gobsmacked , and I can’t blame her really – that’s not the kind of thing I ever expected to say , let alone mean . Also I asked her what the difference was between an orgy and a sex party and she explained for 7 minutes . I still have no idea , sounds like the same thing to me . Now I know what I sound like when I’m trying to explain why the White and Black Lanterns “aren’t really lanterns” like the Green and Red ones are . Point is we went to a sex party last night , which I will probably call an orgy sometimes . First let me say , I did not go into this thing with unrealistic expectations – I didn’t think I was going to a place where beautiful nubile women and handsome well hung young studs were going to be making breathtakingly artistic sex on satin sheets , I knew what I was going to be seeing was most likely a bunch of fatties grinding each other on a ratty futon . But I was still not prepared for what I saw . What I didn’t factor in is that I really haven’t seen that many fully naked people in really real life – probably not even a dozen . Maybe not even ten . Then BAM ! All of a sudden in one fell swoop that number tripled . My Ifirst impression ? The human form is a lot more varied and weird then I ever thought . I’m no prize , I get that , if a woman is with me it’s because or something other than my looks , I don’t know what (low standards) but something else . But that being said there’s some very unattractive people out there . And I saw several of them stark raving nude . And it’s not even that they were ugly really , just non-standard . I remember thinking “What is that ? Do I have that ?” several times . But you know , it’s an orgy , not a beauty contest right ? So why not dive right in ? The couple that was hosting this event (they had a really nice house by the way – which somehow made things weirder , orgies should be in some kind of smelly , dirty pit) welcomed us in and started talking about “the rules” because of course there’s rules this is an orgy damn it not a undocumented Mexican rodeo ! Which probably still has some rules but you know what I mean . Right around the time lady host was saying that a lot of dudes get “shy penis” the first time (or first few times) I happened to be sporting (this is not a humble brag I swear) the biggest hardest erection I’ve ever had in my life . She grabbed it and laughed saying (weirdly) “I guess you don’t have any issues getting hard with another man in the room .” She wasn’t even really attractive (but kind of) but she was naked , and I guess that’s all it takes for me . And just like that my gal pal wonders off and lady host is on her hands and knees sucking my dick and her hand is wandering dangerously close to my butthole . Just like that , she leaves me alone at my first sex party , what kind of a gal pal is that ? Just was I was about to tell lady host the dick sucking doesn’t usually “work” for me I sprayed like 50 gallons of semen in her mouth . Best orgasm ever ? No , but close . After that it was like a normal party for a while , only naked . Awkwardly trying to make small talk with strangers while secretly wondering what the point was since you have no intention of ever seeing these people again . Eventually I was “ready” again and shortly thereafter I was plowing a red haired lady in the asshole while she licked my gal pal’s pussy . This after like 11 minutes of conversation about Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD (we both heard it wasn’t very good but liked it when we finally watched it) and the re-make of Evil Dead (loved it) and I’m balls deep in her rear end . I wondered to myself is this awesome or totally wrong ? Both of course . However shortly into the butt pounding I found myself thinking about that CNN documentary (sort of) Blackfish . Specifically the scene where they take the whale baby away from the whale moma and they cry their sad whale songs forever . I almost started to cry right there during the anal sexing . I thought to myself “What I am doing here ? How does this make any sense ?” Obviously Blackfish is manipulative and biased as almost all documentaries are but the fact remains that animals should not be in captivity – it’s not right , everyone knows it but it just keeps going on and on . And I know there are much bigger issues I should be worried about but I mostly hate people and love animals so there’s that . Filthy humans , we have our tanks and our bombs and our Tonka Trucks and our battery powered sexual devices and we think we can do whatever we want to the whales and otters and red pandas and golden marmosets of the world . In any “even” confrontation the whale moma would slaughter the entire human race like a wolf among nice – but because we learned to make cyanide and napalm somehow we’re in charge of the damn planet ? Dumb . I hate this planet . I hope a meteor hits it sooner rather than later . I mean what kind of a world is it we live in where animals and hunted and trapped and abused and I an ass fucking some random stranger who’s licking my lady’s pussy after a brief conversation ? That aint in the Bible . What am I doing with my life where baby whales are being taken away from their mothers and all I do it hump a bunch of weirdoes in a split level with a hot tub ? What kind of a man am I ? Somehow anal sex always seems to bring out the metaphysical part of my brain . Thankfully at some point I got off that dark train of thought and started thinking about an article I had read about the Permian extinction and how sharks had survived it by diving into the deep ocean which seemed like it made sense at the time but after some thought raises more questions than answers . Then I remembered I was at an orgy and should probably pay attention to what I was doing . At some point I “busted a nut in that butt” and I guess technically I had my first threesomeway although since the whole thing took place at a sex party orgy I’m not sure that counts . Asterisk on that in the sexord books . I won’t bore you with all the other hot/increasingly apathetic sex I had that night . Here are my general thoughts . Parking was a nightmare . My gal pal kept saying “there’s a spot !” and instead there was always a car there . I remarked to her “are there lenses in those frames ?” which she found highly insulting . Also why do people never pull forward far enough for two cars to park between driveways when they clearly could ? Why ? There was a dude there with a Snoopy tattoo that had the biggest penis ever . He didn’t seem to be getting any action which seemed odd so I went over to talk to him . Seven feet and nine inches away I got the message – this dude reeked something awful . It was palpable , you could feel the stench . This fellow must have had some kind of medical condition because I don’t think a healthy person can make a smell like that . It got me to thinking , wanting to have sex and not getting to have it bums you out of course – but is it worse when you have a huge cock ? Do you think “this suck , my huge cock is going to waste” ? Or do you not feel as bad because you can say “Hey , I may not being<b> getting laid </font></b>but at least I have a huge cock” ? I could have asked him, but instead we just talked about the Amazing Race for a while and then I got hell away from him . One time when I was laying down the white man’s jackhammer on someone I happened to see my eyes in a mirror . I’ve sadly see myself in a mirror having sex before (pukatronic) but not a close up of my eyes like that – and it was just my eyes . I always thought my eyes were pretty much empty and devoid like a shark (or a supermodel) but apparently when I’m “on the job” they’re totally intense . It was a little scary . They seemed to be saying “You are mine and I do with you what I please” which is semi-disturbing . I always thought my partners sometimes put a pillow over their faces during missionary because they didn’t want to look at my ugly mug , but maybe it was my weird rapey eyes . Overall is was okay . I wouldn’t do it again . Too much downtime . Which is why I came up with a great idea – Magic Tournament AND orgy . While you’re recovering from the sex you can play Magic , and while you’re waiting for the next round of Magic you can have sex . It’s the perfect plan . Aside from the fact that 99.7% of Magic players are dudes . Magic Tournament and GAY orgy would work great . And probably most orgiers don’t want to learn to play Magic , it’s basically just a math contest with pretty pictures when you get down to it . And most Magicers can’t get into an orgy because you usually need to bring a girl I understand . Another great plan ruined by reality . After the sex party we went back to my house and watched “Problem Dog” episode seven of the fourth season of Breaking Bad – my gal pal has been working through since the beginning . It’s a great episode . Anyway , there’s a part where Jesse goes to his rehab group and the dude from the old sitcom I can’t remember that now has minor roles on a bunch of dramas said ; “So the truth is , we can't change the past , what's done is done . We've gotta own our actions , but putting ourselves on trial , acting as our own judge , jury and executioner , it's not the answer . A lot of the time , all that judging does , is just ensure that we're gonna repeat the cycle . Right ? ‘I'm such an asshole . It's totally hopeless , what's the point ? I think I'll have a hit .’” And my gal pal said in that joking but really I’m being serious way “I know what you mean” not because she has a drug problem but because she used to (probably still does) feel bad about being “a slut” which would make her find some guy to fuck to make her feel better , which would make her feel like a slut again , which would make her want to fuck some guy . Sadly this is not the first woman I’ve been with that has had this issue , which means one of two very sad things . Either ; A – This is common among women B – The only women that want to be with me are fucked up in the head when it comes to sex Which is a totally selfish way to think about it I know , but it is the truth . Anyway we awkwardly talked about that for a while which really sucks . Because obviously nothing I can say or do will make any difference , and as the guy she’s currently screwing it makes me feel like an asshole . Which is why I should give up all this folderol (but won’t because of the asshole thing) . Anyway , after that the episode continued , and if you haven’t watched Breaking Bad you should , because the speech that’s next is pretty great I think . The old sitcom dude asks Jesse what he’s up to now and Jesse tells him a story about killing a dog (spoiler alert it wasn’t a dog) and a lady in the group gets on his ass about it and old sitcom dude tells her to shut it because that’s not what group therapy is about ; “Why not ? Maybe she's right . Maybe I should have put it in the paper . I should've done something different . The thing is , if you just do stuff and nothing happens . . . . what's it all mean ? What's the point ? Oh , right , this whole thing is about self-acceptance . Kicking yourself doesn't give meaning to anything . So I should stop judging . . . . and accept ? So no matter what I do . . . . hooray for me because I'm a great guy ? It's all good ? No matter how many dogs I kill , I just , what , do an inventory and accept ? I mean , you back your truck over your own and you , like , accept ? What a load of crap .” Not a great message to anyone in recovery , but you feel like that sometimes right ? We can’t just accept everything right ? Somewhere there has to be a line of some kind right ? And then to cap the night off she asked me about a rag I had accidentally left in the bathroom after cleaning “Is this your jizzrag ?” Jizzrag ? Jizzrag ? I don’t think I have ever been more insulted in my life . What kind of scuzzball has a jizzrag ? I am an adult ! I jack off in the shower like a man ! Anyway , in conclusion , blah , blah , blah complain about work . Yak , yak , yak something about Star Wars . And that my friends , is a blog . 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What I want is usually available now but not here, or here but not now.
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Very funny...
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10/31/2013 9:29 am |
nice blog
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I hope you scrubbed your cock with bleach - can't be too careful. Post-orgy hygiene is a must! You might need to rinse out your gal pal too.
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Wow, color me stunned that you actually signed on for that little adventure. I have only gone to one swinger party and the whole evening was pretty much a comedy of errors. I didn't blog about it at the time because many of the people who were there (including the hosts) were A FF'ers, and it seemed like it would be mean to make fun of the event. However, I'm thinking the statute of limitations may have finally passed and I think you have inspired me to tell the tale (and besides Stella788 has declared it 'write a memoir' month). Anyway, well done with not having a frightened penis    
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Sounds remarkably familiar to the parties I've been too. Everyone "oohs" and "aahs" and wants to know all about it, but I find there's not much to tell. I usually hope there's at least a few good books or a computer to surf in-between because I get bored easily. Elevate me... 
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