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All Flesh Must Be Eaten - the Final Chapter (mercifully)
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All Flesh Must Be Eaten - the Final Chapter (mercifully) As they limp painfully back into the zombie-ravaged streets of Sueno Beach and away from the marina where DD has met her final reward , our three remaining heroes face a grim reality . They’re on their last legs – physically , mentally , and emotionally . They have to somehow make their way past hordes of ravenous undead fiends to reach the channel 14 television studios – and even then they’re pinning their hopes on 40Deuce for once living in the same reality as the rest of us and actually being able to fly a helicopter . 40Deuce is actually the best off of them . Aside from a bad limp resulting from having shot himself in the foot , missing an ear , and a few assorted zombie bites at various places on his body he’s physically in pretty good shape . Mentally ? Well he didn’t have anything there in the first place so nothing lost and nothing gained . Emotionally ? He seems to be doing okay there too – his mind wrapped in a protective cocoon of madness . The idea of the dead walking the streets isn’t so alien to a man with imaginary friends who thinks that the Senior Sizzle is run by the Potato King who has some personal vendetta against him . Smartass’s death doesn’t seem to have affected him too much – maybe in his insanity he doesn’t think he’s not going to see her again . Maybe in his mind she’s still right beside him ! But maybe , deep down inside , hidden away in that part of 40Deuce that’s still a rational , normal man – maybe down there he’s silently screaming his pain and anguish . In contrast , physically Sonic and Karl are fading fast – 40Deuce has to help support both of them . The body can endure a lot , and the body of a pervert even more , but it has its limits . Blood loss , exhaustion , shock , they all take their toll . Karl is the worse off of the two – and not just physically either . With Smartass’s horrible death and his perceived abandonment of her fresh in his mind he’s in a spiritual K hole of sorts . Add that to the mind-numbing horror he’s experienced and his rapidly worsening physical condition and he’s ready to just lay down and die . If 40Deuce wasn’t there carrying him forward he’d surely do just that . Sonic’s savaged arm and shoulder are dragging her down – she feels dizzy and light headed all the time – but she can still walk . Seeing DD disappear under the waves like that rent her heart in two , but its only served to strengthen her resolve to make it out of here alive . DD was nothing if not a survivor , and she’d be disgusted if Sonic even though about giving up for a split second . The memory of DD spurs Sonic onward , despite the pain , despite the horror , despite the empty feeling in her chest – she’s going to get out of here and that’s that . As they go down a street with burning cars lighting the way and assorted human body parts laying strew about and chewed on 40Deuce is singing loudly and enthusiastically . 40Deuce – A zombie’s life can be easy ! If they change all the lights ! But zombies . . (Sonic bites him on the arm) ouch ! Whadja do that for ?! Sonic – Because I didn’t want to waste any energy slapping you . Do we even know which way to go to get to this television station ? I suppose it doesn’t matter anyway since we just have to take the path of least zombie resistance . Karl (stumbling badly) – What are we going to do if we get corned anyway ? We don’t have any weapons anymore and I don’t think I could fight anyway . Sonic (shrugging) – I don’t know . . . . I guess we’ll probably get killed . 40Deuce (making a face) – That doesn’t sound like very much fun , couldn’t we do something else instead ? Sonic – Actually , now that I think about it we probably won’t get killed right away – more like we’ll be eaten alive . Eventually we’ll knock off from blood loss or something , but unless they eat the heart or brain first it could take a while . I’d wager that’s what all the screaming we’ve been hearing tonight has been about – aside from the general screaming that people would do just at seeing zombies or what have you . Karl (weakly pointing ahead of them) – Hey , there are some zombies now . 40Deuce (letting go of Sonic and Karl – who both drop to a sitting position) – Yes , those certainly do seem to be zombies . (squinting) And unless I’m mistaken they’re not wearing any pants . (checking back the other way) And they’ve got us surrounded . Sonic (laboriously getting to her feet and smacking 40Deuce on the back of the head) – Shut up . 40Deuce (rubbing his head and pointing) – No , I’m serious ! Look ! Sonic takes a closer look , which isn’t easy because her vision is getting pretty blurry – but it does indeed appear that most of these zombies aren’t wearing pants – although some of them are wearing blood-spattered silken robes . Sonic (wobbling on her feet) – He’s right , they’re all at least half nude . (shaking her head) (untranslatable Canadian gibberish) . Karl (looking around) – Well , I think there’s a around here somewhere . (Sonic looks at him blankly) You know , a “” , you know ? Sonic (frowning) – Massage ? 40Deuce (nodding with a grin) – You know , the kind of massage that you take your pants off for ? (laughing) We’re under attack by zombie hookers ! And their zombie johns ! It just doesn’t get any better than this ! Sonic (shaking her head and muttering something in Canadian) – So how do you know where this place is so well ? Karl (not able to stay sitting anymore and laying down on the ground) – Oh . . . . uh . . . . I think I saw it on my paper route as a . 40Deuce – You didn’t grow up here . Karl (glibly) – It was a big route . Anyway , the zombies are getting pretty close – are you two going to do something about that or what ? I’m fine with just laying here and accepting the inevitable , but I just want to know what you’re going to do . Sonic (determined) – Nothing’s inevitable here . (looking around) We can get away in one of these (untranslatable Canadian gibberish). (dragging Karl towards a car) 40Deuce (dragging a half-eaten dead body out of the driver’s seat) – Yes , yes , a capital idea – just look how well it worked for the previous owners ! (poking his head in) And the keys are still in it , what luck ! (turning and shaking his fist at the zombies) The is a Toyota Tercel you sons of whores ! You’re all in big trouble now ! Sonic (pulling Karl up to his feet – they both lean against the car) – I don’t know how to drive . Karl (shaking his head) – I haven’t got the strength . 40Deuce (sliding smoothly into the driver’s seat) – Don’t worry , 40Deuce will take care of everything – I’m a regular driving machine , which is what car is too – that’s why we get along so well , birds of a feather you know . Get in , get in , get in , we don’t have all night ! (as Sonic and Karl spill into the back seat) You know , I won the Ah’hinei’ai time trials in Hawaii back in ought nine driving a rutabaga powered sportster . The trophy and the prize money were nice , but it was nailing Miss Australia 1993 that was really the good part . You see , she had come back in time with a talking robot squirrel that was from the year 2245 . He had come back in time to 1993 and they became good friends even though his mission was to . . . Sonic (smacking him in the back of the head) – Just shut up and drive . 40Deuce (chuckling) – Oh , you sound just like her ! That brings back memories – her accent was atrocious , but she had a killer body . Anyway , let’s get this road on the show here . Zombies are climbing onto the car as 40Deuce carefully puts his seat belt on , adjusts the mirrors , moves his seat back and forth a bit , and then finally turns the key in the ignition and starts the car up . 40Deuce (looking down at his feet) – Now which pedal is the velocitator and which is the accelaratrix ? And what the heck is this third pedal down here ? Some kind of gyomomater or something ? (a zombie punches through the window and grabs him) Oh well , I’ll figure it out as we go . He mashes his foot down on one of the pedals and they take off like a shot – zombies flying off the car as the tires squeal and throw off smoke . The zombie that grabbed 40Deuce flies off with a handful of skin and chest hair . 40Deuce (turning around and looking out the back window) – Cripes ! That hurt – and I look like a girl now ! Karl – Are we going backwards ? Sonic (nodding) – It seems so . 40Deuce (as they run over a blocking line of zombies) – Of course we’re going backwards – this is how a trained professional does it . (scornfully) Driving straight ahead is for amateurs – you get so much more control and touch this way (as they run over a mailbox) Hey , where did that come from ? (he yanks up the parking break and they some skidding and screeching to a stop) Sonic – What are you doing , get us the hell out of here ! 40Deuce (looking around) – I’m trying to find the lights on this thing , I can’t see an ever-loving thing ! Karl (as zombies are closing in) – Who cares ?! Just go ! 40Deuce (preachy) – Oh , that’s a fine attitude for a motorist to have isn’t it ? It’s that kind of thinking that leads to dozens of automobile related deaths each year . Safety if the watchword of the day when you’re driving my friend , and that’s a fact jack . Who cares ? Just drive off into the night ? Well you’re sure as hell care when we slam into a brick wall won’t you ? You’ll care so much you’ll be dead ! (turning on the windshield wipers) Ah , there we go . (taking off again , crunching more zombies) Hmm , we seem to be getting a lot of grinding . Karl (wearily reaching up and releasing the parking break) – Is this how you fly a helicopter too ? 40Deuce (laughing) – Of course not you silly girl , a helicopter goes in the air – not on the ground ! Duh . (chuckling) So anyway folks , where to ? I’ve got the meter running so you better make up your minds . You from outta town ? Newlyweds ? (laughing) Just a little taxicab humor there . I drove a cab in New York back in the fifties you know – in fact I was cabbie of the year in 1954 . Which , coincidentally , was the year I nailed Greta Garbo in the trunk of my yellow and black . Hey , remember that show taxi cab confessions ? 40Deuce keeps up a constant chatter as he drives aimless around Sueno Beach running over zombies with gusto . In other circumstances surely Karl or Sonic would be annoyed , but they’re not even really hearing him – they’re too hurt , too tired , too mentally drained to pay any attention to his patter . It’s just like the buzzing of a fly to them – only noticeable at the very edge of their consciousness . But something snaps them out of their reverie toot sweet – namely a zombie smashing through the windshield and into 40Deuce’s lap at high speed . The car starts swerving wildly and 40Deuce is screaming his head off as the zombie bites into his stomach . Sonic and Karl and doing their best to help – which isn’t much , as the car fishtails and starts to spin wildly . Between the three of them they manage to hurl the zombie out the broken side window . It slams into a lightpost and folds over backwards – his heels slamming into the back of his head with a loud cracking noise . Seconds later the back of the car crashes into a building and they end up in the lobby of some bank . After a moment Karl and Sonic flop out of the car onto the ground moaning . A little while later 40Deuce steps out of the front of the car and looks down at them . 40Deuce (pointedly) – SEE ? That’s why you should have been wearing your seatbelts – driving is about three things people , safety , safety , safety , and safety . (looking around) A bank hmm ? I wonder if the vault’s open . You two stay here , I’ll check it out – I hear zombies are notoriously easy to bribe – just like prohibition agents . (walking off) You know you don’t see them much anymore , I wonder if their funding has been cut or something . Karl and Sonic recover enough to save 40Deuce from a zombie back teller – bashing his head in with one of them things that holds up the velvet rope , and what’s better , they take the revolver off a dead bank security guy – and for some morbid reason 40Deuce puts his uniform on too , but keeps his big puffy clown pants . 40Deuce (adjusting his new hat) – Why do you get the gun ? I’m the one wearing the uniform ? (pointing to the bloody whole in the middle of his new shirt) See ? Sonic (as she and Karl lean on each other) – You don’t get the gun because someone needs to shoot you if you can’t really fly a helicopter and I don’t trust you to do that . 40Deuce (insulted) – I’m very trustworthy ! If you wanted me to shoot myself because of something like that I would ! His word is the only thing a man’s got ! A woman has her word too , but she’s also got fun naughty bits so it’s not quite the same thing . My word is my sacred banner of trust – I’m nothing if my word isn’t good . I wouldn’t even think about it for a second , I’d blow my brains out without even stopping to . . . . wait , what were we talking about ? Karl – There’s no way we’re going to get there now anyway , the car’s trashed . 40Deuce (twirling his nightstick) – It shouldn’t be too hard (jerking his thumb over his shoulder) the TV station’s just across the street . Luck ? Or is there a method to 40Deuce’ madness ? The world will probably never know – Karl and Sonic don’t really care either – against all odds it looks like they just might get out of this alive . If 40Deuce can really fly a helicopter that is – and let’s face it , that’s a big if . They wait until the street is free of zombies and then make a mad dash across to the TV station – home of WSBF channel 14 , the local NBC affiliate . In the lobby there’s a couple of zombies , but Sonic seems to have picked up target shooting pretty quickly because she takes them all out with shots to the head . Sonic (tossing the empty revolver aside) – Well that’s the end of that . Karl (pointing to a TV on the wall , amazed) – Look , they’re still broadcasting . The TV shows a commercial for some kind of fat-free muffin mix and then it switches to some news program with the bold words “Zombiestorm 2012” on the screen , followed by a cartoon graphic of a zombie chasing someone . The three of them watch in total disbelief as an anchorwoman in a red suit reports from behind a blood-spattered desk . Behind her a guy with a headset is struggling with a zombie , fighting for his life . Anchorwoman – Welcome to our continuing coverage of the on-going zombie crisis here in Sueno Beach (smiling brightly) a channel 14 news exclusive . (behind her the struggling man goes down and blood sprays up in the air) There seems to be no end to the zombie hordes that began attacking our fair city several hours ago . Estimates put the arrival of the first zombies at sometime between the hours of eleven and midnight . There is no way to know for sure how many zombies there are , but one reliable source has told us , and I quote “there sure seems to be a whole lot of them .” (behind her three guys with makeshift weapons run on and start<b> clubbing </font></b>the zombie) We go now live to reporter Marcus Robinson at the governor’s mansion . Cut to a black man with a microphone clinging tightly yet impassively to a chandelier . Underneath him zombies stand on an extravagant diner table heedlessly stepping on an impressive diner spread as they reach for him and groan hungrily . Marcus (holding his earpiece) – Thank you Susan . Here at the governor’s mansion things are not going well . The governor was hosting a charity diner , attended by some of Sueno Beach’s most outstanding citizens when uninvited guests arrived around eleven thirty – zombies . And unlike their other guest they weren’t hungry for crab cakes or shrimp cocktails – they had another menu item on their minds , human flesh . Susan – How is the mayor holding up ? Marcus (peering down below him) – Well , right now he seems to be doing as well as you could expect . A zombie is chewing on his thigh right now and most of his leg is gone , but despite that he told me he still thinks he has a good chance of getting away . Susan – What’s the general mood down there Marcus ? Marcus – Well , I’d have to say it’s pretty somber her Susan – not the night of merriment and networking that we all thought it would be . People were especially disheartened when just moments ago the mayor’s much-loved wife was eaten before their very eyes . She had climbed the drapes to escape the zombies but then the zombies pulled the drapes down . Truly a tragic end to such a respected member of the community . Susan – Yes , she was a great lady and will be sorely missed – especially in a time of crisis like this . Marcus , can you tell me . . . Marcus – I’m sorry to interrupt you Susan , but the zombies seem to be forming a human pyramid of sorts to try and reach me . I’ll have to get back to you . That shot fades away . Susan – Marcus Robinson , live at the governor’s mansion . And now we’d like to take you to Professor Ramonovich from nearby Coral Gables University , a foremost scholar of the occult and . . . . oh , I’m sorry , I’ve just been informed that Professor Ramonovich is dead . Instead let’s take a look at a map of the city and where zombies have been reported as being sighted . (a map of the city comes up with zombies all over it) As you can see the reported incidents of zombie activity are quite widespread and . . . 40Deuce – Man , that’s one good-looking anchor woman . Sonic (gaping at the TV) – Am I seeing this ? Karl (shaking his head) – Let’s just go . They get on the elevator and push the button for the roof , but between the fifth and sixth floor it grinds to a halt . 40Deuce manages to pry the doors open and Karl and Sonic use him as a stepping stool to crawl out onto the sixth floor . He climbs up after them and they look for the stairs , but they have to duck into a room to avoid a few zombies shuffling down the hallway . That room just happens to be the studio where Susan is broadcasting from – all around her hapless interns are struggling with zombies . Susan – The word we’ve been getting from the national wires is (as 40Deuce , Sonic , and Karl rush onto the set) hey ! We’re doing a newscast here ! Sonic – How do we get to the roof ?! Susan (leaning way over) – You’re blocking my shot , get out of the way ! We’re the only local station covering this crisis and I’m not going to let you ruin our exclusive coverage . (shooing them away) Go on , get ! Sonic (slamming her hands down on the newsdesk) – You’re the only station covering it because everyone at all the other stations is dead ! And your exclusive doesn’t mean much because no one is watching it – THEY’RE ALL DEAD ! She starts shouting in Canadian and walks off waving her arms , Karl stepping up to take her place . Karl – Just tell us how to get to the newscopter and we can all get out of here together – we’ll take you with us , just tell us how to get there . We can all get away ! 40Deuce – Yeah , if there’s not enough room you can sit on my lap . (laughing crudely) Even if there is a enough room you can sit on my lap . You can sit on my lap right now if you want ! Susan – Look , this is the news story of a lifetime , I’m not about to . . . A with a nose ring holding a clipboard wanders onto the set behind her , drinking a cup of coffee – totally nonplussed . – Hey Susan , we just lost the broadcast . Susan (turning to him) – What ?! What’s wrong , why . . . (taking a sip of coffee) – Well , the camera guy is dead , the people in the control room are dead , pretty much everyone is dead now except for me and you . (pointing) And that guy over there . (screaming coming from the direction he pointed) Okay , now it’s just me and you . Karl – So now how about that helicopter ? As the last of the interns is overwhelmed by the wave after wave of zombies , Karl , 40Deuce , Sonic , Eric Callahan (channel 14 technician) , and Susan Krotz (who coincidentally enough was Miss Australia 1993) hustle it up to the roof and the channel 14 newscopter . When they run out onto the windy rooftop , they’re confronted by a mangled wreck of metal and zombies that used to be a helicopter . 40Deuce (biting his lip) – Hmm , that’s not what the army helicopters looked like – it may take me a while to familiarize myself with this one . Who knew civilian machines could be so different ? Sonic (smacking him on the back of the head) – Its wrecked you idiot ! Eric (drinking the last of his coffee and tossing the cup away) – Looks like someone already tried to get away this way and zombie’s got caught up in the propeller . 40Deuce (laughing uproariously) – Propeller ?! Planes have propellers , not helicopters ! Susan – What about that big thing on top ? 40Deuce (stopping laughing) – Oh yeah , I forgot about that . (Sonic grabs him) Hey , I know there’s always been some sexual tension between us lady , but this isn’t really the time or place . Oh , what the hell , I guess we can do it now . (looking at Susan) You want to get in on this ? Karl – What are you doing ? Sonic (dragging 40Deuce towards the edge) – Oh nothing , I’m just going to throw this (untranslatable Canadian gibberish) over the side . Unfortunately perhaps she doesn’t have the strength anymore and 40Deuce wriggles away from her without too much trouble . 40Deuce (laughing) – You’re a feisty one aren’t you ?! Susan – So what are we going to do now ? Eric – Isn’t there a heliport over by the runways at the airport ? Susan (nodding) – He’s right , there is – they have a place out there that takes tourists out over the Gulf – a whale watch or dolphins or something . Karl – Yeah , but how are we going to get there ? 40Deuce (singing again) – These boots were made for walking – and that’s just what they’re do . (Sonic groans) Don’t worry honey-bunny , I’ll protect you . (whirling his nightstick around and smacking himself in the face) Ow , who hit me ? So they set off for the airport , which of course is on the opposite side of town entirely . They’ve barely gotten out of the building when they suffer their first casualty . Karl is straggling behind when a manhole cover lifts up and three zombies pop out – grabbing him and pulling him down . 40Deuce and Sonic try to grab him and help him , but they’re overpowered and the zombies drag him down into the depths . 40Deuce tries to go after him , but Sonic and Eric hold him back . Sonic – Are you (untranslatable Canadian gibberish) 40Deuce ?! You can’t go down there ! That’s suicide ! Eric (patting him on the back) – She’s right dude . In a way Karl’s death saves them all , because without him to slow them down they’re fast enough to avoid any zombie encounters – until they reach the heliport anyway . They’re crouched behind a some bushes looking at the shiny helicopter with “Ocean Adventures” written on the side sitting on the port – surrounded by maybe twenty zombies , all just standing there . Susan (shaking her head) – It’s like they’re waiting for us . Eric – Is that even possible ? I didn’t think they were intelligent at all – and even if they were how . . . Sonic – Who cares ?! How are we going to get past them ? Eric (standing up) – I’ll lead them away . Sonic (grabbing for him) – No wait ! But he’s gone , he runs right up to the zombies , knocking one of them down and then turning and taking off into the night . They all go after him , groaning loudly and moving pretty fast – for zombies . Sonic – (untranslatable Canadian gibberish), we have to go after him . Susan – Why ? He made is choice didn’t he ? He wanted us to get away – who are we to take that away from him ? (putting her arm around 40Deuce) Come on , let’s get out of here (batting her eyelashes at him) can we please ? 40Deuce (running towards the copter) – Hell fuck yeah ! Sonic watches the zombies chasing Eric for a while and then follows after them , giving Susan a look that could kill lesser form of life . 40Deuce is in the helicopter pushing all kinds of buttons with Susan sitting beside him . Sonic has her hand on the door , but she’s not inside yet . Sonic – At least wait to see if he can double back or something . (as Eric is tackled and disappears under a pile of hungry zombies) Nevermind . With a sigh she gets on the copter as 40Deuce starts up it up , but before they get off the ground more zombies hurry towards them – as fast as zombies can hurry . They’re just lifting off when the zombies arrive – some of them grabbing onto the runners as it comes of the ground . The helicopter struggles and lurches forward erratically . 40Deuce (shouting over the noise) – We’re too heavy , you have to get them off ! Sonic kicks open the door , but despite her best efforts she can’t kick them off – they are zombies after all , they don’t care if you step on their hands . She sends one of them crashing to the ground by firing a signal flare in his mouth , but there’s still six or seven clinging on and trying to climb up . Sonic knows what she has to do – she grabs Susan by the hair and drags her kicking and screaming over the seat into the back with her . She shoves her out the side and dangles her in the air – the zombies all grabbing onto her . Sonic lets Susan fall and the zombies all go with her – eager for something to munch on . 40Deuce (as the helicopter gains altitude) – I suppose it’s for the best , things probably wouldn’t have worked out between us anyway – I need a really , really , REALLY good looking woman to hold me interest . Sonic (smacking him in the back of the head) – Just fly this thing . That he does – he promptly flies it right into a big tree . As he and Sonic lie in the wreckage , broken and bloody – near death – with zombies closing in to eat them 40Deuce makes an admission . 40Deuce (a twisted piece of metal through this chest) – Hmm , you know what , now that I think about it I think I drove a submarine in the army . Sonic (her body twisted in such a way that her spine is obviously broken) – I hate you 40Deuce . 40Deuce (as the zombies climb into the wreckage) – Yeah , I get that a lot . 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Dang, I missed an episode or two and now in 2nd paragraph of this post I see "Smartass's death". What's the point of reading on?  
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