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A dedication to my ex-husband
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A dedication to my ex-husband My ex-husband is an alcoholic. Sober he was all that was desired or needed in a husband.More then I could have ever asked for! I have not talked about my ex husband before. On self inspection I noticed I feel like I was never married. Now that didn't strike me just right. So I got to thinking, here is an area I need to examine, an area to dive into. So......This page is dedicated to my ex husband. A truly remarkable person who has suffered and barely survived. I met my husband at a party. LOL I was actually interested in someone else and he knew it. He waited for me to get over the<b> infatuation </font></b>of the other man. Then he hung around me and one thing led to another. It wasn't a knock you off your feet kind of move. The best way I can put it is he seemed to connect and know me inside. Know the restlessness of my soul and the hurts and needs because he had been there too. On thinking back... I know in my heart I was well loved by him in every sense of the word. He loved me with all his being and our souls mingled on a level no one had been before or has since. I do think this is because of who he was but also because being married blessed us. My husband made me laugh till I wanted to pee my pants and could not breath! He was an exciting, tender lover. We would make love for hrs and he always wanted me to be throughly satisfied. He was not a selfish lover. We laughed, got silly and would make love again. We would romp around naked acting like a bunch of silly and it felt good. Maybe we were recapturing a part of our childhood we thought lost to us. Whatever you want to call it we had a lot of fun. My husband was a great Dad. So proud of his when she was born. So tender with her. He was a fun dad to be around. They would sing together on his band microphone, play his guitar and he would let her beat on his drums! They would giggle make up stories and they shared many great times. He was a tad over protective but who can fault him for that with his little princess. He cherished her! My husband was also a delight to an elder neighbor lady. I did not even know it till one day when He was playing his acoustic guitar. He was playing out on our up stairs screened in porch. The two houses were identical with just the width of a small driveway in between. she also liked to sit on her porch about the same time every evening. We had a good relationship with her and I wanted to keep it that way. I did not want to intrude on her quiet moments. Being that she was elderly I did not know if she would like our music. I told my husband maybe he should play more quietly or wait till she went in the house. She heard me say that and spoke up. She revealed to me that his playing was a joy to her and that she came out on purpose to listen to him. She was a cool old women and we were like her family from then on. She also doted on my so my husband bonded with her. Hell she liked his music and his wife and ! What was not to like? Later when we moved to our own house she died a short while later. I feel some quilt over this as she missed us so much. I should have visited her more but this is when things went bad between my husband and myself. My husband was and is a very talented musician. It comes to him honestly from heritage and natural ability without even reading a note! He could pick up most instruments and after a few moments just start playing them. On retrospect I now realize I miss the sweet tones of his acoustic guitar and those quiet evenings on the front. porch. I guess I pushed some of these fine qualities he held away from my thoughts. unacknowledged un missed right? Well now I freely say I miss a lot of what we had. But time does not reverse it's self and so.....I am on a separate path and a new journey. Evil entered in the form of alcoholism entered our realm of the world. He had always battled hurts of the past. He was never able to let it go completely. It clung to him with talons of steel. Any sign of weakness would bring it front and center. Alcohol made the demons go away and made him feel powerful and ok again. It also almost ruined him and did ruin our marriage. I had could not deal with it and compounded the problem and became a shrew. We both played parts of the drama. This being said we divorced quietly and remained friends after the dust settled. My ex is a good grandpa and a good dad. He is trying to undo the hurts my suffered. I hope they find their way back to the joy they once shared. For she will still always be his little princess. I hope she replaces bad memories with the truth of who he really was and how much he loved her. I wish my husband good health and recovery from this evil that claimed so much of his past and hope he still can hang onto his future. He has a nice girlfriend and I wish them the best of luck. I hope they can have what we did at one time and keep each other on the right path! I will walk my new path in life in self discovery and hope to once again feel this with another soul. Becca  |
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4/8/2006 2:27 pm |
I think I need to follow suit with you Becca and do the same. It's a good way to heal. ~SINgle~
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Hawk I respect you for revealing that you did walk that path. I to had to walk away from him. He just got so wacked out that I could not hide it from our daughter as she got older. He is always in a band and so he does frequently fall off the wagon. Do you ever feel like going out and having a beer? Or still have strong cravings? I hope you are out of bondage from the bottle for good and it is a distant memory. My recovering friends are so different. Some still crave drinking. Some do not miss it much just from time to time. They have been sober for over twelve yrs. SINgle I do think you need to do that as it is very helpful and closes a chapter in your life. It also frees you to open the door for new things. I know you will find happiness with a spouse one day. Just put the brakes on a little and go slower. Get your thoughts lined up better and then you will be ready. More book time. LOL Becca
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:Hawk it was nice meeting you and we will have to do it again sometime. Sin said you need to go hiking with them when your leg is better. She said a small hike would be great. You have come far in your life and I hope I will walk my journey just as well. See you again. Camping is coming! Becca
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4/11/2006 10:03 am |
Becca, I admire you for leaving. My husband was an alcoholic as well. I was married to him for 22 years and wanted to leave, but was never strong enough. Finally, when my youngest went off to college, I filed for divorce and moved out. We sold our farm and he never did find a place to live. He went to a motel and drank himself to death. It was devasting for me, and for a long time I felt so guilty I couldn't move on. This was eight years ago. I have finally put most of it behind me, but it wasn't easy. I think that maybe if I had left earlier, he would have made it, like Hawk did. But it is part of the past, and if I'm going to have any kind of happy life at all, I have to let it go. I believe I have moved on. It sounds like you have too. I admire you for that. You seem like a very strong woman.
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Sally you cannot stop or make anyone do anything! They make their own way. It may seem like we make them stay dry or make them drink but it is not us at all. Alcohol is a pain killer just like drugs or anything else that is done to excess. We all have something. I hide behind my weight or maybe just don't care enough to change it besides the medical side of it. Your husband needed to confront his pain. He did not. That is not your fault. It may be he could just not deal with it and took his life another way. The pain is deep and often unknown to the person themselves and so the dance with the bottle. You were never to blame only had the misfortune to get caught up in the mess of it all. Be very picky next time. See any red flags run like hell! LOL Know what you want in a person and then settle for 90% and 10% of what you can live with. Single is not bad. I actually have been for many yrs. No constant gut wrenching anger, bitterness or crying. Now if things are messed up it is mostly me. No one is doing it to me but myself. Kinda makes you get stronger going it on your own. No one to fall back on, if somethings need fixing go for it. One thing I do know is that Alcoholics feel very guilty when they let people down. When they said they wanted to quite or said they had they really thought so. It is they never got to the core of the pain. It is also 50% hereditary if one parent drinks. Higher if two do. They teach what they know. Also tested their children's brain waves. Two out of the four children had the abnormal brain pattern of the drinking parent. Only way not to become one is never to drink or you take a risk. Tell your children about that just in case. It was a study I read when hubby was in rehab. So I guess this being said you had no control of another persons life whether you stayed with him or not. People make their own choices and have to live with the consequences. Maybe now he is finally at peace. I think God makes allowances for illnesses. Hope he is there smelling the roses and basking in the light of God. I know for sure he is no longer in pain. Write a tribute to what was good. Kris said it was very freeing also! There for you Becca
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4/12/2006 6:24 am |
Wow, thank you so much for the kind words. It honestly brought tears to my eyes. I know that all you say is true, it's just a matter of convincing myself. You are right about the heredity part. His dad was an alcoholic too. He recovered however, and died at 81. My husband was only 59 when he died. I agree that being single isn't bad at all. I like having my own home, and being able to do what I want when I want. I like being able to hang my underwear up to dry in the bathroom and leaving the top off the toothpaste. I always find things to do if I am alone. Since I travel for my job, I have learned how to do many things alone, eat out, go to movies, or whatever. I have become very independent. I now have a special person in my life, and I am just starting to learn how to share my space. It's different after so many years of being alone, but a good different. I know that I don't want to remarry, but I am finding that being close to someone is a good thing. It wasn't just the last 8 years that I have been alone. My husband and I were not close at all the last years of our marriage, so it has really been a long time for me. Everyday is a learning experience. I try to take one day at a time, and enjoy what we have. Looking forward is just too scary. Thank you again, I really do hope to meet you soon.
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Sally just keep telling yourself you are not God and could maybe have done this or that different but in the end the results would be the same. He had a choice and he made it. But you know what? You can still keep the good memories and love him for who he would have been. Most drunks are the nicest people when sober!When the thoughts start just tell yourself loudstop! I am not God and then get busy on something. Glad you have someone with you. I had a few long terms after my X but I don't make good girlfriend material or I pick the wrong guys. Who know? Plus I never go out so ......
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