Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
| Blogs > steamyandsexybi > Orgasmic Distractions |
Failing In Bed!
|
Failing In Bed! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The top 40 ways men fail in bed... take notes, all you Casanovas! 1. NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay. 2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts. 3. NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance. 4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them. 5. BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't. 6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points. 7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention. 8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off. 9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it. 10. ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris. 11. STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not. 12. UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a 's toy. 13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not. 14. BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it. 15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not. 16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons. 17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first. 18. GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts. 19. GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds. 20. COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too. 21. NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man. 22. ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask. 23. PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris. 24. NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her. 25. NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary. 26. MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head. 27. TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do. 28. MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest. 29. ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse. 30. TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them. 31. NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no. 32. SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest. 33. ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings. 34. LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't. 35. GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end. 36. BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on. 37. TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know. 38. NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you. 39. SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue. 40. THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen. HEY GUYS! NEXT TIME REMEMBER THESE RULES AND THE LADY MAY INVITE YOU BACK. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
|||
9/4/2006 7:45 am |
OMG....have you been reading my sexual diary??? Many of these things have happened to me. And you all wonder why ive given up with the sex thing, roflmao
| ||
|
OMG....have you been reading my sexual diary??? Many of these things have happened to me. And you all wonder why ive given up with the sex thing, roflmao No! I SWEAR! I havent read your diary! Youre on the other side of the pond....my arms aint that long! lol YOU may have given up the sex thing...but NEVER ME! (hehe) Its bad enough I havent been getting any the last few months! UGH! lol (me thinks I'm being too picky)
| ||
9/4/2006 9:44 am |
omg im going to print that out for my husband. lol ~sexy~
| ||
|
omg im going to print that out for my husband. lol Please!!! Remind me to NEVER marry anyone who cannot comply with the simple facts of sex...ok? LOL Sex is way too important for me in any relationship....probably explains why I havent been married yet! Am I right?
| ||
9/4/2006 11:05 am |
Damn! I always thank a woman after sex, just as I always beg like a 5 year old beforehand.  Very good list though.
| ||
9/4/2006 11:11 am |
unfortuneatly you are right. my husband is one of those guys its done in 3 min or less and i nver get to finish, cause he says hes to sensitive so sad i know ~sexy~
| ||
|
Damn! I always thank a woman after sex, just as I always beg like a 5 year old beforehand. Very good list though. Nice handle, by the way! LOL I never seen a 5 yr. old beg for sex! lmao! (yuck yuck!) Well, now ya know, NOT to thank a woman afterwards! Ya learn something new everyday right?
| ||
|
unfortuneatly you are right. my husband is one of those guys its done in 3 min or less and i nver get to finish, cause he says hes to sensitive so sad i know *sigh* I feel sorry for you! 3 minutes or less? Why the heck even bother? Too sensitive?...My ass! lol Sounds like a copout from a man who has no control! Its all about STAMINA! lol
| ||
|
Looks like I've got a lot to learn lol better print it off........but don't blame me if it spoils the mood, me stopping to read up every now and again!!!!! A xxx Oh you modest one! Just from the things you've already spoken about so far, I have a feeling you wont need much learning! ....and I wont let you stop at nothing!!!!!! lol ~kisses~ steamy
| ||
|
Great List! I'm sure your doing alot of guys and girls a service by posting these tips! After reading through them and enjoying a few laughs, I'd say i'm doing pretty good! Though I must say I have been guilty of a few of these things in the past myself and it's good to hear these things coming from a woman! Guys! Pay attention to what she says here, I'll bet alot of you will be able to relate.
| ||
9/4/2006 11:49 pm |
I didn't realize so many of us needed instruction of so many of these issues. 
| ||
|
Ok ...I'll admit it I've been guilty of a few offenses. I do usually attempt to make up for it in other ways though.  Cancer6962    I  eat'n 
| ||
|
I don't think I'm guilty of anything on the list (with the possible exception of the clothing infractions......), but I want to be sure, so perhaps I should set up an "evaluation" with you so you can make sure I'm following the proper procedures  If you should die before me, ask if you can bring a friend........
| ||
|
Great List! I'm sure your doing alot of guys and girls a service by posting these tips! After reading through them and enjoying a few laughs, I'd say i'm doing pretty good! Though I must say I have been guilty of a few of these things in the past myself and it's good to hear these things coming from a woman! Guys! Pay attention to what she says here, I'll bet alot of you will be able to relate. Thanks! I just love a man who I dont need to argue my point to...or point(s)! Thanks for visiting! And good luck to you!
| ||
|
I didn't realize so many of us needed instruction of so many of these issues. Yes but ONLY some of ya's....not everyone! Thanks for the visit!
| ||
|
naughty, (I got a gut buster for ya....lol)~wink "TSWP"...agh! thats never gonna wear off, is it? lol Yes! I think I've been a bit too picky lately but! considering the few men I've met already, I have every right to be! I dont really have specifics as far as qualifications go. Each man is different so I dont like to pin certain things on them. Know what I mean? (the only thing I really am concerned about is....please dont be shorter than me...please be clean and honest and respectful) Is that too much to ask for? lol
| ||
|
Ok ...I'll admit it I've been guilty of a few offenses. I do usually attempt to make up for it in other ways though. Cancer6962 How nice it is to see you here! Long time- no talk! First step is to admit it...good! I am curious to know how it is you make up for it in other ways,though....~devilish grin~
| ||
|
I don't think I'm guilty of anything on the list (with the possible exception of the clothing infractions......), but I want to be sure, so perhaps I should set up an "evaluation" with you so you can make sure I'm following the proper procedures LOL! Of course you want to be sure! And, exactly how would you like to go about this "evaluation?" and what happens if ya 'flunk?' Then what? lol Thanks for the visit!
| ||
|
steamy, I made a comment a few weeks ago but I do stop in. Busted you on the "Buffalo" wings .... aaauuugh. It's not like I'm difficult to contact. Well, how I make up for any infractions that would be kissing and telling I'll save that for other places. Check my blog and some of my posts in groups I'm sure you can figure it out. I eat'n
| ||
9/6/2006 4:33 am |
I found your "40 sex sins" for us fella absolutely hilarious - like all good pieces, because so many are true. I think I am guilty of three for sure and another couple on occasion - but that aside the style of writing and the humour was suprb - sorry you are so far away although I do get to NYC occasionally! Us UK males are little different I fear, from what i have been told (Lol).
| ||
|
Storm, LOL! Of course you want to be sure! And, exactly how would you like to go about this "evaluation?" and what happens if ya 'flunk?' Then what? lol Thanks for the visit! And I guess if I flunk I'll just have to sign up for some practice and private instruction with you! If you should die before me, ask if you can bring a friend........
| ||
9/6/2006 6:23 pm |
Great post. Like someone else said, I know I've been guilty of at least one of these in the past  Blah blah blog
| ||
|
Well, I'm sure I'll get by.............always up for learning a few new tricks mind due, sweet kisses baby A xxxxx Well, of course you'd get by and YOU KNOW that I'm dying to show ya more than just a few new tricks! ~muah~
| ||
|
steamy, I made a comment a few weeks ago but I do stop in. Busted you on the "Buffalo" wings .... aaauuugh. It's not like I'm difficult to contact. Well, how I make up for any infractions that would be kissing and telling I'll save that for other places. Check my blog and some of my posts in groups I'm sure you can figure it out. Aaaah! Yeeeess! Ya did bust me on those Buffalo wings, didnt ya? lol (I stand corrected!) I'll be sure to check out your blog as well! Sorry I havent yet- I've been super busy lately;away from the pc alot.
| ||
|
I found your "40 sex sins" for us fella absolutely hilarious - like all good pieces, because so many are true. I think I am guilty of three for sure and another couple on occasion - but that aside the style of writing and the humour was suprb - sorry you are so far away although I do get to NYC occasionally! Us UK males are little different I fear, from what i have been told (Lol). Hmmmm. interesting- how often do ya get to NYC? I'm approximately 6 hrs away from NYC...I'm in a town right outside the city of Buffalo called Cheektowaga.- a little suburban town. Thank you! and I'm glad you enjoyed this! Its always nice to see/hear someone smile and laugh! I do have a question out of curiosity......how are UK males a little different? lol Would that be a good different OR a bad different? (scared....biting my nails, waiting for answer.....) lol
|
Become a member to create a blog
